After everything that happened, Kristoph had given her some time off. Along with everything, her period was late and she was forced to be alone with herself. Bella was emotional by nature, it was what caused the fire in the first place but lately, Bella had worn herself out so much that she just felt numb.
Gone were the days of the wild ride, left in place was a wax statue. At the end of the day she found solace sitting alone in the communal tents, reading whatever books she could find. The words didn’t pierce her numbness but at least it was something to do.
She heard a rustle in front of her and when she looked up, she saw Paul. She hadn’t talked to him since the fire and she was sure he’d had enough of her by that point. “Hey.” She said softly to him, unsure of what else to say.
“Hey,” came the reply.
Without waiting for an invitation he moved to sit down next to Bella. A hand slid over, taking one of hers. “I needed to make sure you were okay.” He’d been staying away out of respect, trying to give her space and time without letting her feel as if everyone had given up on her. But he also wasn’t the best at admitting what he was feeling or showing emotion when it was the right time.
“Bells,” Paul started, looking at her with those blue eyes. “You are okay, right?” Something was different about her, but he didn’t want to overstep her privacy.
She allowed him to take her hand even if she didn’t think it was at all helpful. “I don’t know, Paul. My whole life has turned completely upside down. I haven’t been able to sleep, my period is two months late and I can’t even take solace in my kids cause I’m too dangerous.” The last part she added air quotes too but it wasn’t like it was totally untrue.
In truth, it was sort of Paul’s fault. She wouldn’t have hurt the Reverend or anyone in that tent if she hadn’t been interrupted, but his intentions were good so she wouldn’t start blaming him.
“Okay is the understatement of the year. I’d say the best I can give you is numb.”
At the revelation that her monthly problem had vanished for that long, his eyebrows arched. He didn’t know much about that but something sounded problematic. “You have people who care about you. It doesn’t fix a broken heart or what happened with the Rev, but the days are only as dark as you make them.” People would come to trust her again in time. He never lost that trust.
“And you aren’t dangerous. People make mistakes all the time. The fire was an accident. I am dangerous.” He wasn’t setting things on fire but then that wasn’t the point. He could snap a person in half if he wanted to. “Sometimes bad things happen to good people.”
Paul nodded. “I feel that way sometimes, too. Numb. When I think about my family I left behind, all of the people who cared about me because of Ilyana and the wolves.” He’d gone a long time hating himself and being down on himself, and that feeling came back more often than he liked.
She looked over to him with pain in her eyes though the rest of her expression remained blank. “Does it ever get better? The numbness?” She asked him, squeezing his hand in hers. Paul had always been a good friend to Bella and she was glad he’d been there for her.
Lately she couldn’t even keep her food down and so when she felt her lunch bubble up in her stomach she reached for a pail she’d been using to get sick in. Retching into the bucket she felt her insides purge and for what reason? She hadn’t been drinking. Maybe it was from the stress.
Wiping her mouth with a tissue she put the bucket aside and looked over at Paul. “Sorry.”
“It does sometimes,” he sighed. His hand squeezed here very gently. “And other days it’s all you feel.” Honesty was always the best course of action, even if it wasn’t always received the way he hoped. Few people knew him as well as Bella did and he wasn’t afraid to let her see more of the inside and not the brick wall most people got to see.
He let her pull back when she turned to scramble for the pail, hand moving to the small of her back in comfort. Paul frowned slightly. “Are you okay? You smell different.” It wasn’t the scent of her regurgitated lunch or the atmosphere outside, she smelled unlike her usual self.
She put a hand over her mouth as he talked about her smell and shook her head. “I’m sorry, I’ll brush my teeth.” It wasn’t as if she was in the dark about Paul but it didn’t occur to her that her vomit wasn’t the scent he was referring to. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, this stress is turning me into someone who can’t even function.”
It would have angered her how her body was rejecting her so wildly but it honestly just felt like something she deserved. She put all those people’s lives in danger, and she’d fallen in love with a demon. This must have been God punishing her.
“No,” he laughed, shaking his head. “Not that kind of smell. Everyone has a scent that’s unique to them, like I could probably find you in a crowd just based on the way you smell to me. It’s not a bad scent, it’s a natural aroma.”
He tipped his head a bit in thought. “Have you thought about going to the medical tent for a physical?” Beth and Keiran would take good care of her. “Maybe they can do some tests to see why you’re not feeling like yourself.” He didn’t want to come out and say that maybe she was pregnant, he didn’t care who she was sleeping with, but neither of them had a good track record. At least not until recently.
The thought occurred to her after he’d talked about her scent. What if she was pregnant? Could she keep the baby? A spawn of a demon? It didn’t seem right or natural and she didn’t know how the kid might grow up. “Yeah, yeah you’re right.” She said, lost in her own thoughts about what could possibly be.
“Thank you Paul. I’m sure you can tell I haven’t quite been myself.” Or rather she might be herself plus one.
Her face contorted. Paul tipped his head and tried to decipher what she was thinking about. The idea that she was with child didn’t even occur to him. Illness went around and could get anyone down. “Yeah, you haven’t. Maybe you should go see Beth and be sure.”
“I will.” She replied and wrapped her arms around him to give him a friendly hug. She had to figure out a way to get rid of this baby if it was Wills, if she was even pregnant because there was no way she was giving birth to a demon spawn.