Ye Gods!

CENTRAL PARK, MANHATTAN--Residents of New York City's Upper East Side awoke this morning to an unpleasant sight: hundreds of dead pigeons littered the streets along Fifth Avenue. City officials have blocked off all traffic from 79 St. to 59th St. in an effort to remove the birds. Residents are advised not to touch any of the dead avians, as officials have not ruled out disease as the cause of death.

Some have theorized that the birds were caught up in a water spout, as sometimes occurs with toads and fish, but one resident quickly corrected that with the statement: "If those aren't your average rats with wings, I've gone blind. These are pedigree, first-class . . . New York pigeons."

Test results will return in a couple of weeks. The mayor promises to have the birds safely removed as quickly as possible, but asks that citizens avoid inhibiting the clean up crews by seeking alternative routes.

BROOKLYN -- Milo Canonici, age 44, was found dead in Brooklyn, NY, on March 16th, 2012. Police presently believe the cause of death was due to an animal attack, but are still investigating. Anyone with information pertaining to his death is encouraged to call the anonymous tip line at 1-800-555-9191. A memorial service was held on March 23rd.

He was born in Texas to Teresa Salvo Canonici and lived in California before moving to New York. Milo was a talented architect with a "MacGyver"-like ability to build things. He was known as an activist and a devoted father.

He is survived by his daughter, Anya Canonici, and his mother, Teresa Canonici.

Donations may be sent to the Paracelsus Foundation.

CITYWIDE -- Police are still investigating a collision between trains on the L track that occured in the early hours Monday morning, causing massive delays. At 6:20 A.M., a train leaving the De Kalb Avenue station was suddenly struck behind. Investigators are baffled, as witnesses claim to have seen the offending train leaving Wilson Avenue only moments before.

The conductor of the offending train was taken to the hospital for minor head wounds and unavailable for comment. However, we caught up with one of the passengers who told us, "I have no idea what happened. One minute, I'm getting on at Wilson, the next, I'm on the floor, and there's just this loud sound, you know?"

The accident has revealed other oddities in the MTA schedule in the last few days. Near crashes and inexplicable delays have been occurring across the board with equally surprising accounts. One N train conductor tells us that he he never stopped between Queensboro Plaza and Lexington Avenue, but by the time he arrived at the Lexington Avenue stop, two hours had passed.

MTA officials assure passengers that the matter will soon be settled and that trains should be back to their regular schedules in the next few days.

CITYWIDE -- The New York State Department of Health has reported a sudden increase in cases of narcolepsy throughout the city. Narcolepsy—a disorder that causes the patient to be excessively drowsy and to even fall asleep at random—is caused by low levels of hypocretin in the brain and typically hereditary, which has officials stumped. Fewer than 10% of the newest cases have reported having a family member with the disorder, which has led officials to question the presence of a toxin in the air or water.

Health and safety officers have been testing for any harmful elements in the areas most strongly affected, but as of yet, report no dangerous chemicals in the water, air, or soil. Further tests are being conducted to make certain, and specialists are advising citizens to buy bottled water and take note of their environment. Should one feel any kind of dizziness, lethargy, or nausea without cause, they advise the patient to seek medical help immediately.

While Narcolepsy itself is not a life-threatening disorder, depending on the time and place of drowsiness, it can become very dangerous. Citizens who believe they may be suffering from symptoms of this disorder should contact their doctor or the Narcolepsy Institute of Bronx, NY. More information may be obtained from their website at http://www.narcolepsyinstitute.org/.

CITYWIDE -- In the past two weeks, police have received reports of several missing persons from various walks of life. The spike has raised concerns about human trafficking and other illegal behavior, but the nature of the disappearances have left law enforcement puzzled.

Daniel Abruzzo, age 17, disappeared on October 14th while making a delivery for his family's pizzeria. After not returning from his last delivery (made at about 11:30 P.M.), his car was found abandoned near Battery Park on the morning of the 15th. The money from the deliveries was reportedly still in the car.

Ethan Stone, a 19-year-old freshman at Columbia University, was last seen by his roommate on October 17th, who reported Stone seemed “on edge” before leaving their room. His parents are urging people to keep on the look-out for their son, who they describe as a “bright and thoughtful” young man.

Alexis Gabriel, a 25-year-old saleswoman at Abercrombie & Fitch, disappeared from the emergency room after claiming to be attacked at a Goth Club. She had no wounds indicating assault, but had been reportedly running a high fever. Her family has also been tirelessly searching for her.

Police ask that anyone who might have information regarding these individuals contact them immediately.

MANHATTAN -- Manhattan residents are baffled by the appearance of a mysterious message written in stones in Battery Park in the early hours Monday morning. A helicopter reporting traffic for a nearby TV station noticed that the 200-year-old park's stones had, “The Gates Are Closed” written on them. Residents are baffled as to who wrote the message and why.

On Twitter, some people using the hashtag #occupywallstreet claimed that protesters wrote the message Sunday night as a form of demonstration. They explained the message meant that the gates are closed to normal everyday Americans. However, other members, including a user who is identified as a leader, tweeted that the demonstrators did not write such a message.

Some residents claim the rocks reminded them of a New York City style “crop circle,” or some sort of prank. Police in the area are baffled by where the rocks came from, but indicated that they may be from the bay. This reporter spoke to a homeless man who claimed he saw the rocks rolling into position the night before, however, no one else can recall seeing anyone moving the rocks.

A real mystery in the city that never sleeps, just in time for Halloween.

NEW YORK CITY -- On September 20th, the Susskind Foundation is hosting a children's symphony and choir in Central Park to raise money for a new Youth Group Home for abandoned children.

Merriworth Academy and PS29 Symphony and choir will be performing a selection of music with a "Fall Flavor". Refreshments will be sold with all funds proceeding to the Susskind Foundation. The Foundation's owner, Gerald Albert Susskind IV, is the eldest son of his family's billion dollar fortune and along with his family, a well known philanthropist. "Children are the best investment for the future," he told the Times. "By showing people that hope exists as children, they can grow up to be successful adults." This is not the first youth charity Susskind has given to, having given a "generous amount" to UNICEF last winter.

This will be his first public appearance since the tragic death of his older sister, Matilda, back in May.