|Simon will just LIVE in this booth forever. (magienoir) wrote in yegods,|
@ 2012-03-24 12:57:00
WHO Daisuke Tendo & Simon Renaud
WHERE Daisuke's Apartment
WHEN March 24th, Early Morning
SUMMARY It's all about timing.
Most of the time, when Simon dreams of Hecate, he knows that it's only a dream. There's no lucidity. It's all just the usual mash of confusing sounds and images. And often these dreams that are really dreams fall into two forms: she is solace, or she is torment.
She's the monster that won't stop hounding him. She's the bitter, derisive laughter he can't drown out. She's disappearing, abandoning him. He'll awake from these feeling like he's been punched - the sensation of misery lasting for most of the morning. On the other hand, in the nicer ones, she's being the mother he always felt she should be - petting his hair and telling him how clever he is. There are swing sets and beaches and fireworks and bedtime stories and Christmas mornings and fairs and kindness. Memories of her that he wished had a foundation in reality. But there's no control over these dreams, and the stories race on, crisscrossing and scattering. He awakes feeling muddled and lost.
It's different when she's actually popping into his mind for a visit. There's a sharp clarity to those dreams. They are controlled. Not by him, but by her divine magic. Whilst he recognizes that he is aware he's dreaming and that it is his dream, he can't control his surrounds or dictate anything else about the dream except to be able to think as logically and clearly as he would were he awake. And when he does wake up, he feels like he hasn't been dreaming at all. His mind is crisp and ready - busy and unrested.
When he wakes up on Saturday, in the grey hours of the morning, it is from a visit - not a dream - and his heart is racing. For a long moment, he doesn't know where he is, and he panics, abruptly sitting up in bed and displacing Mandarine. She lets out a sleepy mumble of a meow and rights herself, searching out a spot in the crook of Daisuke's neck to fall back asleep. A grey, almost light is starting to creep in around the outsides of the window, drowning out Daisuke's nightlight. Simon runs his hands over his sweaty face and takes deep breaths, telling himself that there is no one else in this room except himself and Mandarine and Daisuke.
Still, he looks again even after he's already checked, searching out that hidden threat that isn't there, but which he is sure must be somewhere. He gets up, sliding from the bed, skirting the outsides of the room, one hand to the wall, as he inspects every nook and cranny - opening the closet and closing it - pulling back anything that might obscure his view. He does this twice... and Mandarine stretches, not settling in, but meows, wanting to know what game the human is playing. She crawls over Daisuke's head, trying to follow Simon around without jumping from the bed.
. . .
Daisuke was glad to have Simon back. He didn't think he could miss anyone so much. He also was getting used to the extra company in his bed and the nights when Simon did not sleep over, Daisuke wondered how he did without the company of another warm body nearby. Of course, in Japan it was common with some families to all sleep together in the same bed. Daisuke's upbringing was not like that. The big house he grew up in felt so cold, including his room, where he had few friends over. The only warm part was the kitchen where his mother or one of the maids made food. It was hard to realize how cold he was until lately. Mandarine helped a little bit of course. Then again, the kitten was another demanding voice in his life. Sometimes she did wake him up with a demanding meow, but he knew cats must be like that.
Friday night, it was nice to have company. He made dinner, they watched a foreign movie or two and they headed to bed when Daisuke's eyes were slowly shutting. Daisuke did often dream of Hahaue. Usually monthly and she always appeared to him in a sunny forest path near a waterfall, in a very zen way. They had discussions like where Daisuke should be headed in life and how he could help her mission. She hadn't brought up Simon at all, which surprised him. He figured Amaterasu may have taken the route his father would have taken which was, 'It's a phase. Let him get it out of his system.' That night, he did not have dreams about Hahaue. He did dream about the sun, lying in a warm meadow laying on his side looking over at Simon. Then, the redhead he brawled with at the Gym came out of nowhere and jumped on his head.
That was what woke him up, or the pressure of paws on his head. The dream was gone because a kitten seemed to forget he was a person. There was little sunlight so Daisuke took it as before such so still felt muzzily. He moaned as he gently pushed Mandarine away. The movement of Simon walking around the room, caused him to jerk a little, but then he noticed just who it was and felt a little calmer.
"Si..." he mumbled. "What's... going on?"
. . .
Simon stops near Daisuke's side of the bed, his hand still on the wall, and looks down at him. There is, at least, recognition in his eyes, departing from the possibility that this might be another episode. However, there's also a very harrowed pinch to his expression. There's that sort of pale, tightness to his face that comes with a sleepless night. He looks around the room again. The light is grey, but it's bright enough that it illuminates the corners, leaving very little to the imagination. Slowly, his hand slides from the wall, and he shakes his head, his hair - getting a little longer - falling into his eyes. After moment, he climbs over Daisuke back to his side of the bed. The bed is a better place to sleep than the futon or the couch. He likes sharing it with Daisuke. When he climbs back under the covers, he stays close, lying face down with his face smashed into the pillows, and Mandarine a safe 'barrier' between them.
"She's not happy," he mumbles into the fabric. "I think she knows about Jack, and apparently my cousin has a particular issue with... someone else? She said the pervert's son should watch himself. Sometimes, I don't know what she's talking about." He shakes his head a little, one hand moving up to clutch the pillow, contorting it to fit around his head. Mandarine meows plaintively, searching for a hand that might pet her between them. Simon doesn't offer it, though. He's too busy thinking about the fact that Hecate most likely knows about Leonard, which means she most likely knows that he's the one who defied her to break Daisuke's and Luz's curse. She didn't act that angry, but maybe she only did that because she knew how terrified he'd be thinking that she might secretly be furious with him. "I don't know," he mumbles, shaking his head again. But he can't shake the feeling that he is in severe, immediate danger. That Nico is going to come kicking down the door any minute.
"She just talks nonsense... It's nothing," he says, but the tension of the line of his shoulders under his white t-shirt says otherwise.
. . .
Daisuke for a moment looked over to his window. No, it couldn't be the moon because the moon is not out and being drowned out by the coming sun. Daisuke moaned to himself the thought that soon he will want to get up. Sometimes he does like sleeping, but it was always difficult when the sun came out in the morning. It like reenergized him somehow.
Now, Simon got back into bed and Daisuke pulled his blanket over his shoulders as he turned on the side. He normally didn't sleep like that, liking his back or his stomach, usually his back but Simon had some sort of issue so he wanted to be attentive. He throws the blanket over Simon as well as his muzzily eyes slowly grew a tiny bit alert. His hair stuck up on end in a clear case of bedhead. When Simon mentioned her, Daisuke knew who he spoke about. He felt irritation rise through his body for a moment, only physically showing by a brief shutter. Is Hecate playing with Simon's mind again?
He reached out to scratch Mandy's head with his index finger, "It has you vexed. So I doubt it was nothing..." He averted his eyes as Simon talked about the pervert's son. Who pervert? Was it Rick? Zeus? "Did she... ask you to do anything?" he asked, clearly a bit more blunt in the early, early morning.
. . .
Simon turns his head so that he is not being completely smothered by the pillow. He watches Daisuke for a moment. Daisuke looks as tired as he feels, and he feels sorry for having woken him. He reaches out with one hand (spurring Mandarine to some hope that she will be the center of attention), but bypasses the kitten to put a hand on Daisuke's mussy head. He closes his eyes, sighing through his nose into the pillow and shakes his head. "Be a good boy, maybe? Stay out of her way? Don't cross her?" His hand returns to his side of the bed. "She didn't tell me to do anything, but I knew what she wanted me to not do without her saying..." He realizes that he must be particularly discreet. Most likely, though it actually is nicer talking to Jack each week than his university-sponsored therapist, he will have to cut that soon, or risk provoking her. He can't risk that right now. Not when he's actually thinking of doing something about her.
He wonders - feeling very cold for a moment - if she bought his act... The good, doting son act. He wonders if it is entirely an act. He doesn't know if he loves or hates her. He presses his face back into the pillow, swallowing and stifling a yawn. "Daisuke... she..." She's his mother, but he doesn't doubt she would do something horrible to him, or arrange something horrible to happen to him, if he pushed her. That's always been the way with her - the way it was with Nico, too - 'if it's you or me, the answer is you.' He suppresses a shudder and sits up, unable to resist the need to look once more for the shadows of monsters in the corners and around the feet of the furniture. "Remember... when I asked if you really wanted to talk 'timing'?"
. . .
Daisuke lidded his eyes a moment when Simon touches him on his head. It probably made him feel more excited than he was willing to admit to himself at the moment, something he no doubt felt slightly guilty as a result because of the seriousness of the conversation. As Simon answered vaguely what Hecate said, Daisuke lidded his eyes in a slightly different way. The same ole, same ole. Daisuke didn't like to hate people, but he pretty much was there with Hecate. "I see..." he said rather darkly after a moment. He knew Simon loved his mom, Daisuke certainly didn't want to get in between that, only if it hurt Simon.
As Simon hesitated, it became Daisuke's turn to provide comfort. He reached over to lay his hand on Simon's head and began to brush lightly with his thumb. Then the question about timing came up. Daisuke responded dryly, "Talk about timing at 5 a.m. on a Saturday?" Then he turned to his regular tone. "Yes, I know. I was waiting for you to come to talk to me about this. Although the state I was in then compared to now is only marginally better, but I will do my best..." He let his hand drop and return to petting the kitten.
"Mandy doesn't know what timing is either..." he said slightly affectionately to the cat before he shook his head, "No, I will focus."
. . .
"I don't really want to involve you," Simon admits. "If things go poorly..." He pauses, turning his face away, which makes him a little easier to understand at least. His draws his arms under him, hands balling under his chest as he considers the morning light on the bedroom walls. "If things go poorly... It will be as bad as you can imagine and worse, but..." He has a plan b. He'll summon Jack and tell him to destroy his soul and then kill him. At least, in that way, none of them will benefit from him in any fashion. He won't submit to the punishments of mercurial, hypocritical parental figures either. Who knows? Maybe it would wake them up - make them realize that their children are sick of being used like dogs. If they wanted adoring servants of that nature, then perhaps they should have made humans only capable of a dog's level of intelligence.
"But I and a few others have been discussing things..." He just has to bring them all together. "Things about... locking them away, so that we can finally be free to live our lives on our own terms. So that we won't be used by them anymore." He says these words very quietly. They are damning words. For some gods, just this intent would be enough for them to want to curse Simon into oblivion. "So it means that anyone who becomes involved must be absolutely committed to this goal. They must not swerve in any fashion. Think of how the old kings and emperors dealt with perceived traitors. Now imagine how they would react... So anyone who chooses to become involved must be single-minded in their dedication to the cause and to keeping our secrets."
He sits up a little, or rather, pushes himself up on his forearms to turn to Daisuke, his face looking shadowed by the poor light of the room - the curve of his cheek particularly white, his mouth swollen but pale, his eyes dark with sleepless bruises under the curtain of lashes. His pupils spread across the pale blue, deepening the darkness of his eyes. His mouth twitches just a little in a mirthless would-be smile that's meant to be somewhat comforting.
"Because I truly believe there is a way to imprison them. I don't know if we would lose our powers or not, but it is possible. Mankind would be equal, and our fortunes decided by our merits. So if you chose to join with me, you could possibly save all the Milos of the world from cruel fates, but you could never change your mind. You could never back out. There can only be two endings... and one way or the other, it will be decided at the same time."
. . .
Daisuke quickly wished he had a cup of tea to take this all in. Wait, what? Was Simon really talking about imprisoning the gods? For a moment, he leered at Simon in such a way as if Simon had told him he was breaking up with him (a bit ironic since they weren't really together). It seemed unreal. Was it even possible? Daisuke's first instinct was to scold Simon over such an impossible idea, but they had just made up and Daisuke didn't want to lose Simon again. Then the way it made him sound, Simon already began to plan.
His eyes drifted to the window as the sun slowly came up. He hoped Hahaue was getting her cup of tea, picturing her in hair rollers or some such as she wandered around her palace attempting to wake up. Maybe she wouldn't be listening. This was the best time to talk about this, he thinks to himself. Hecate was getting ready to sleep. Amaterasu was getting up.
He lowered his voice just in case, "Is this just the evil gods?" He wasn't sure if he could do something like this to Hahaue. He still loved his mother.
. . .
Simon is silent a moment too long perhaps, watching Daisuke from eyes swallowed up by pupil. His face and neck and shoulders are very still when he finally replies. "That's the thing about power. Let's not chalk this up to good and evil. I think they are like us in that even the best of them still has some propensity to do wrong. We were made in their image, were we not? Instead, let us say that it is a matter of those who have greater tendency to do harm or be cruel to their children, or to humanity as a whole. Imagine if we took those who had that greater tendency in them and locked only them away, leaving the world to be run by the remainder. They'd begin subsuming the territories of those that had been put away. There would be fewer around, and those few would see their powers greatly amplified. At first, perhaps they would be fine about it, but power corrupts."
He looks down at the pillow, hair falling over his face. "Do you not notice how I am not suggesting that - were we to keep our powers - we take their places as rulers of men? Certainly, I am sure we could become the new pantheon, but I don't think that we should. I think that we should quietly let this power slip out of our hands and draw back into the human population. I truly believe in the freedom of mankind. Jack told me once that there is a difference between angels and demons and humans within his pantheon. He told me that humans were created with the intent that they would be free to love God or not of their own volition. Obviously, those that love Him are rewarded, but it is their choice. The rest - which we may as well just refer to as angels, as they mainly were at one point - were created to absolutely love and serve Him. They are servants, who were not meant to have will, but only devotion.
"Obviously, that didn't entirely work out, but perhaps even demons love Him still. Who knows? I asked him what the difference was, then, between angels and humans and us, and he said that we are the unfortunate in between - servants with wills. We were created with the intent to serve our parents, and yet given wills and intelligence and emotions that could, would, do conflict with that. There was a measure of sadism in our creation. But they won't release us to be just as regular humans, because they are too weak without us. Yet instead of honoring that fact, they abuse us and treat us this way..." He shakes his head. "All I want is to live free and happy whilst I still have the chance."
. . .
Daisuke wasn't sure if he could talk ill about Hahaue. Yeah, she wasn't there there. Not like Mika was. Mika was the woman he considered to be mom more so. She was there for him. She cleaned up his scrapes. She still called him every week. But still, maybe it was like being adopted. There was still that curiosity and devotion to the woman who actually gave birth to him. That was the complicated feelings there. Daisuke didn't care so much about his supernatural abilities.
His eyes looked a little bit watery as Simon talked and he looked vulnerable, a rare occasion. Then his eyes averted for a moment, "Simon... what if there is some sort of law in this case. What if... you are able to encase the gods, but the powers would transfer to you and you could not relinquish them? What if you became dominant over the moon? That became your domain. And if I helped you, I would become the sun? I understand what you're trying to do and it's admirable, but I think there are still some unknowns."
Daisuke's hand went back to petting his kitten. Yeah, he really wished sometimes he could be normal. That there would be no more Milos, but perhaps it was his upbringing to accept how things were that sort of stuck deeply with him.
. . .
"If that were the case, then we would go away, like the Nameless. We would disappear from the human world and free them from ourselves," Simon replies in an oddly adamant tone. He turns to Daisuke, frowning, and though the light is still poor, his pupils shrink just a little, letting the blue come through. "Maybe we would find some node-" Like Malsumis. "-and we would go to sleep, and if someone woke us, we would go somewhere else. I think as long as we were cognizant of the damage we might do were we to let our will power slip, we could contain this evil, because this subjugation and manipulation - that's the real evil, Daisuke."
He draws his lower lip between his teeth, rolling onto his side, so that he can look Daisuke in the face. "Maybe it doesn't matter what happens to me. Most likely, one way or the other, I will eventually lose my mind. Even if I were to live a normal life, I would only end up in Tartarus or Hell or the Void when I died. So that is why I know this is a harder choice for you or the others to make. Maybe if I were able to do this, I could, at least for some short time, be truly free and truly happy... like I was when I was a child.
"Since no matter what, the future is grim... It's not so much of a choice for me. It's something that I will do - that I must do. But it isn't the same for you. I don't want you to be hurt, so I have not involved you before this, but I think it would be inevitable that were I not telling you right now, you would find out, so I am telling you. I won't go back on this. I will do it, even if I must do it alone."
. . .
Daisuke looked into Simon's eyes as this is explained to him. It was a lot to take in this early in the morning. But he tried to see where Simon went with this. Then he looked away again. As he measured his response. There was a lot he wanted to address.
"Si... there must be some way to save your mind," He said simply. "Perhaps talk to Jack about it." Seeing Simon in pain really bothered him, more than he wanted to admit. He didn't know how to handle that although he knew that he would visit Simon in an asylum if it came to that. Play him violin music. Still watch foreign films with him even if Simon wouldn't respond how he did now. Daisuke didn't want to think of that time.
"I'm... not sure how I feel," Daisuke bit his lip after a moment. "There are some gods I don't think deserve power. That manipulate it. Pit their children against each other..." he gave Simon a pointed look. "But I do think there are some who want to genuinely help their children and humans. Like Prometheus. He gave humans fire. I think... sometimes it is not the power itself that makes them bad, but it is how they use them. My abilities, I can hurt people... but I can also save people too."
He reached out to Simon's shoulder and gave it a small squeeze, "I won't stop you unless you hurt someone I deeply care about. And that includes you..." He gave Simon a pointed look.
. . .
Simon stares at Daisuke for a long moment without blinking. He wonders how it is that Daisuke is missing the fact that Prometheus may have been responsible for Milo's death. Assuming that the reason Daisuke was taking an interest in missing livers had to do with Milo, and knowing that it was Prometheus's punishment, of course. He considers the strange conversation he's just had with his mother about a new addition, who has an issue with 'the pervert,' who is most likely an Olympian, as a great number of them are perverts, even by Simon's standards.
His lips slowly curve, though without a hint of amusement. "I like Jack," he replies quietly. "In a fashion, I almost feel like we are friends... even though he kept putting those stupid pies in my refrigerator and made me clean up after his son's party. He is insightful and appears to have a great fondness for humans. However, he is also a demon. It could all be a mask that he's had thousands of years to perfect. Asking him how to protect myself from the curse... And even if it's not all lies, he's still a demon. The temptation of human souls is no doubt a very strong one for any devil. The only way I'd let him near my soul is on the basis that he would destroy it. No, better madness than Hell."
He rolls onto his back, putting his forearm over his eyes and smiles again with the same lack of mirth. Daisuke may try. Simon would hate for him to try, but if he is intent on trying, he supposes there's nothing that can be done about it. He reaches out with his free hand to scratch Mandarine's bottom, saying nothing else for the moment... He wants to go to sleep, but is somewhat worried that Hecate may come back again, even though it's nearly been a year since she last visited him - the longest period she's ever taken since she first began to drop in in his early adolescence.
. . .
Oh Daisuke was aware of that connection, but he also believes it was Prometheus who had been imprisoned for centuries. He could have become demented and his beef was with the gods not humans. Daisuke somehow got the look from Simon wasn't a happy one so Daisuke said, "What?"
Then Simon went on to another topic. Yes, Jack was a demon. Daisuke knew that, but that didn't mean there had to be something he could take from it. It crossed Daisuke's mind if he could make a deal with Jack. To help back with Simon's derangement in the moonlight. However, Daisuke figured he couldn't do that. It was somehow dishonest.
"I don't want your soul to be destroyed..." Daisuke said matter-of-fact. "I'd become some sort of folk tale of a soul who is reincarnated over and over for eternity looking for that one person..." his tone was such it was hard to tell if it was a joke or not. "Don't make a silly sacrifice... okay? At least, not without my permission..." He quirked an eyebrow there.
His eyes adverted down to his sheets as he began to think about the stupid red string again. Was that even real? Was it even capable of stretching between pantheons? "God, Si, I guess I won't need my tea this morning because this has more than enough wakened me up..."
. . .
Simon doesn't reply to Daisuke's 'what,' only shrugs, his wrist still over his eyes. He continues to say nothing as Daisuke chides him for talking about destroying his soul. He does, however, risk a glance at Daisuke when he's finished, catching the raised brow, and he smiles just a little. "When you say things like that, it's..." Suggestive. Deceptive. Painful. He sighs softly through his nose, gaze sliding away. He feels like he hasn't slept at all, and though he knows this is earlier than usual for Daisuke, soon there will be light out, and he'll be wide awake. Mandarine already is, purring like a little motor against Daisuke.
"Never mind," he finally mumbles. "I don't want to get up yet. I feel like I haven't slept any," he says, closing his eyes and rolling onto his side - back to Daisuke. "And I'm not telling you that you have to join me. I'd prefer that you didn't, in case it all goes wrong. I'm only asking that you don't say anything about it, because if anyone is too careless, she will kill me and probably take my soul for her own and you won't really have much of a choice about my part in your folk tale."
. . .
Now Simon was being moody. Daisuke wondered if he said something off. He felt his heart drop when Simon turned his back to him. Daisuke stared at it for a moment. The more Simon played this push away, push away game, the more Daisuke wanted to reach out and grab him and hold him close. Tell him everything will be okay, and he won't be alone. Just like that night when he saw Simon have a harsh reaction to the moon.
"I wouldn't do that..." Daisuke said with a sigh. And if that did happen, Daisuke would probably ask to be with Simon somehow, because he knew if he offered to trade places, Simon would turn back and it would be an endless loop. You are sounding like some pathetic girl in love, Daisuke thought darkly.
He reached out to run his hand down Simon's spine gently before he figured that was too stupid. It was to lull Simon to sleep, "Okay, you know you are free to stay here as long as you need to."
. . .
He shivers a little a the touch, trying to look over his shoulder. The light catches in his eyes enough that they look the usual blue. The corner of his mouth twitches. Goosebumps are spreading down his spine and the tops of his arms, and he would like Daisuke to keep doing that. Doing that. Maybe doing something more to alleviate the sensation that there is some kind of cold, hard barrier between them. Because he doesn't want Daisuke to be hurt or killed or end up tortured for all eternity. He just also is a little afraid that at some juncture, everyone who is with him will turn against him, and he will be alone against the gods - against his mother. At least, he does have Jack as an ace card. He won't let them take him that easily. He doesn't want to think about that right now, though, with the terror of his mother's growing suspicions still lingering in his mind.
He rolls onto his back and then onto his side, shooing Mandarine out of the way, so that he can draw a little closer to Daisuke. He lowers his eyes, hiding behind his lashes as he draws his chin inwards. "Stay here. A little longer," he says very quietly, his fingers slipping to Daisuke's shoulder. "Stay with me... just for now."
. . .
Daisuke swallowed hard when Simon turned back to face him. Part of him wanted to lean in closer and ... no, that ended horribly last time. Was this wrong? He and Simon just spoke about overthrowing the gods, and now Daisuke wanted to be close to him. That was an honest consideration. No, parts of it did make sense, he thought. Some gods should be pushed into nodes to sleep forever. Hecate being one of them. But Simon was talking about all of them. Even Hahaue. It was a curious relationship. Daisuke wondered if this is how his mother felt with Tsukiyomi. There was feelings there... dangerous feelings and disapproval of how they chose to express their beliefs. There must still be love, because eclipses existed for a reason.
Right now was dangerously close to an eclipse when Simon moved closer to him and asked him to stay. Daisuke, of course, would, like an idiot, he thought. He brought Simon a little closer to him and stroked his hair. Daisuke knew Simon's mother made him feel unsafe and jumpy. "Sure, I'll stay as long as you need me to..." he said quietly. He hoped Simon couldn't hear his heart, and he carefully guarded himself against the lower part of his body, because Simon definitely didn't need to know about that right now.
. . .
There may be awkward considerations on both sides, but Mandarine refuses to leave, so though Simon does gravitate closer until his head his against Daisuke's throat, his brow to his chest, and his arm loosely looped over his shoulder, she forces herself into the nook between their stomachs, curling into a ball. It seems kittens have a short memory for offense, because though her stubby little tail does flick once in annoyance, she seems to fall asleep almost immediately.
Simon ends up not being far behind her, with the smell of Daisuke's skin so close at hand and the warmth of his body taking off the bite of the morning and nothing but the sound of even breathing between the three of them and the occasional car passing far below to break the silence. Exhausted and anxious and a little upset, the little piece of comfort offered here is solace enough that soon the weight of his arm turns to dead weight, and the depth of his breathing takes on an evenness that can only happen in unconsciousness.