Welcome to Night Vale: In Character

This again, is it?

I'M GOING TO BURN THIS WHOLE TOWN DOWN.

BYE.

Considering I am a lowly stand-up comedian with a bachelor's degree in Broadcast Journalism, this is all above my paygrade.

Like, seriously. A dog park that is actually a gateway to Hell? I mean, if you want to get technical I guess I have experience with gateways to Hell and maybe child-eating monsters but otherwise. I don't know what to put on my résumé here.





All of the above was just a clever cover for how I am about to absolutely lose my shit though, I have to admit.

Citizens of Night Vale and...new citizens of Night Vale who have been brought here by the cold and unfeeling universe! Cecil Palmer here with an update.

Good news, everyone! Or really, it's probably better not to ascribe a morality to any sort of news. That never ends well for anyone. So...news, everybody! After several months of quiet, in which the City Council declared that the whole "portals that seem to bring people from other worlds and times and realities" debacle was "over and done with" and "not a thing we'll ever have to worry about again" and "please stop asking, seriously, nobody's seen a portal in ages and also there were never any portals, what are you talking about, who are you", it seems that they have issued a retraction.

As it turns out, the portals very much do still exist and are spitting out more people and we once again have to acknowledge that they are a thing. City Council is grumbling and muttering indignantly to themselves about how maybe stupid portals should have gone away and stopped making a nuisance of themselves. They are also shooting looks at any portals they do see and making passive aggressive comments. So, business as usual.

To our new residents, welcome. Sure, you've been brought here not of your own volition by some sort of unknowable and awful tear in the space time continuum, ripped from your lives and taken to a place you never chose to come to. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Who doesn't like a vacation? In this case a vacation being a most likely permanent relocation to a new world. I'm Cecil Palmer, voice of Night Vale Community Radio. And, as always, there are some announcements, as well as general community updates.

City Council would, once again, like to remind everyone that the Dog Park on the corner of Earl and Somerset is strictly forbidden on account of being a gateway to a horrible desert otherworld. Do not go there. Definitely do not take your dog there. And, for the love of something, stop sleepwalking there. You know who you are. The Dog Park probably will not harm you.

The Hooded Figures that you may see around town, who definitely don't steal children any more, are mostly harmless, though it is still best not to talk to them, look at them, acknowledge them, or think too long about them.

The Night Vale Public Library has, once again, burned down. And, once again, rebuilt itself. It does still, unfortunately, contain librarians. Please stop burning down the library. We have established this does not work and just angers the librarians. While arson is not, technically, illegal, it is still frowned upon. Again, you know who you are.

There is a strange forest on the outskirts of town that I keep being told is completely harmless and was created with magic, but it's still good to be mindful, given this town's history with forests. Please be careful when entering that forest and by no means enter the other strange forest on the outskirts of town. That one does turn people into trees. They are easy to tell apart given one takes over people who wander into it and one doesn't.

You may encounter tall winged beings, all named Erika, who claim to be angels. That is because they are, in fact, angels. Please remember that certain legal decisions mean that we can openly acknowledge their existence without threat of reeducation. One of the angels is frequently nude, and we are very, very sorry.

After almost seven years, the ban on wheat and wheat by-products has been lifted. In a statement issued from the bushes outside of the Arby's, a spokesperson for City Council said that this decision came about because "everything will probably kill us eventually in some way or another, so really why should we even bother. Just give in to entropy." This does mean that Big Rico's Pizza will once again be serving pizza.

Homecoming is next week for the Night Vale Scorpions. They will be playing the Red Mesa Ant Carpenters. Head Coach Lutrice Beaumont plans to continue her current strategy of winning all the time and allowing team captain, Junius Duncan, to just throw the ball in whatever direction he wants. As always with Homecoming, please stick around for halftime, when you can see the spirits of all of your deceased loved ones.

The Greater Night Vale Scientific Community says that the reemergence of the portals is "interesting" and that they are "definitely interested" in them. They plan to do plenty of science to try and figure out what's going on there. Night Vale's lead scientist, Carlos, who is perfect and wonderful and also my husband, could not be reached for comment because he got caught up in an experiment and forgot to come home for dinner. Which is fine because I support his work. It is slightly disappointing, given it's Taco Tuesday and we were going to watch The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, but definitely fine. Carlos should know there are leftovers in the fridge and to please remember to eat later.

The housing development outside the Barista district was established to house those displaced from their own realities and continues to be made available to those who need a place to live. If you need directions, just follow the shrieking.

And lastly, Intern Tanya perished tragically in an altercation with the vending machine on the fifth floor. To the family of Intern Tanya, she was a good intern and will be missed. On an unrelated note, there are openings for interns at Night Vale Public Radio. If you have an interest in media, please apply today.

That is all for now. Thank you, citizens of Night Vale. And welcome, new citizens of Night Vale. This has once again been Cecil Palmer. Good night, Night Vale. Good night.