Title: Right As Rain, I'm Not The Same Muse: Damien Fandom: Original character Table/Prompt: 50episodes Table 11, "Forgiveness"
To: "Sayuri" From: "D.M. Hardel" Subject: Re: [no subject]
We haven't spoken in..... what's it been, nearly four years now? I don't know what you expect me to say to all of this. It's not like I can just pick up and turn back time because you've suddenly decided you want to be my friend again. That's not how these things work. To be honest, even if I could, I wouldn't want to go back to feeling the way I did about you when I first moved into that apartment complex. We were both completely different people back then. Does that just ..... not compute with you somehow?
I had only just stopped working with the touring theater company I had been with, the one that brought me to Florida in the first place, and I remember being in a state of culture shock. Even though I had seen most of the country by that time, there was just no way that I could ever be prepared for the way most people live in South Beach. Which, if you remember, is how we met in the first place. Even though I could never bring myself to be your friend again, that's a day I don't think I'll ever forget.
For whatever reason, I headed straight for the bar when I walked into Opium for my interview and there you were, all decked out in a classy outfit that would rival almost anything my female classmates at Guildhall would have worn. I realize that you're working on saving up for the actual medical side of your transition, but at the time, I honestly thought that you had been born a woman. Which is why I felt so comfortable talking to you pretty much right off the bat.
You remember Jeremy, right? Actually, never mind. I've told you about the mess he turned me into before. But I don't think I ever told you that he was the reason I left that touring company. That was one of the few things I never really wanted to tell anyone about, which sounds ridiculous, I know. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that you made me feel comfortable because, as a woman, you weren't a threat. You were just incredibly flamboyant and, eventually, you became one of my best friends.
I still just can't believe that, when Jeremy and the company came around to Miami again, you were practically first in line to buy tickets to one of the shows. You've never been into theater. Never. You told me that how many times? And yet, there you were, waiting around after the show, going on and on about how great it had been and wondering if there was any chance that I could get you backstage. God, why did I even go that night?
I felt like such a fucking stalker, going out there just to talk with Jeremy. That was all I wanted, just to talk and see if I could repair some of the damage to our relationship. Yes, I was still hung up on him. Even though it was probably not the smartest move on my part, it felt like the right thing to do at the time. Jeremy was one of the few people I can honestly say I've ever really been in love with. It completely tore me up when he left me and you knew that.
Didn't stop you from cornering Jeremy when we finally did go backstage to talk to him, though, did it? You knew for a fact that I was there to try and patch things up between us, but you still felt as though you were doing nothing wrong when you started flirting with Jeremy like he was the last man on earth. When the two of you left the theater together, I knew in the back of my mind where you were going, but I didn't want to admit it to myself that you would do something so cruel.
Now that I look back at it, I shouldn't have been so surprised that Jeremy went along with whatever it was you had planned. He'd always had problems with not being able to keep his eyes -- or hands, for that matter -- away from just about anyone with a pretty face and body. The first time I found out about this habit should have been my cue to pack up and leave before it got any worse, but I couldn't make myself do it.
The thing that really hurt about what I saw going down at that theater was the fact that you, my best friend, had the guts to hit on my ex-boyfriend right in front of me. You knew what I had gone down there for and that didn't even slow you down. It was just all about what you wanted and to hell with anyone who happened to get in your way. That's why I just do not get why you've taken the time to track down my email address and beg for my forgiveness.
Four years is a long time for anyone, but I know you. That amount of time is so damn long that you've lost interest in more projects than I can count. So why now, why me, and why this one thing? I've moved on and believe it or not, I've changed a lot since we shared that tiny apartment in South Beach. Behind all the pretty words, it's just looking like you haven't moved on at all. You're still the same exact person I knew back then.
I want to say that I forgive you. I really do. But I'm not sure if I can trust you again. Forgiveness isn't just something I can offer at the drop of a hat. I'm sorry, but the real world doesn't work like that. In this reality, people get hurt, friendships are irreparably broken. So there's really only one thing I can logically say without making a huge mistake and hating myself. Please, Say. I'm not going to block you, but please don't email me again. You had your chance. It's no one's fault but your own that you fucked it up.