Title: Never The Best For Me Muse: Damien Fandom: Original character Table/Prompt: 50episodes Table 11, "Heartache"
Dear Bastien,
I really know that I shouldn't be writing this, but I can't seem to help myself. I've been thinking about a lot of things recently, especially the various things that seemed to inevitably lead to the destruction of all my past relationships. You were a pretty big part of my life for a while there, so it's only fair that I share some of this with you. Hell, I don't even know if you're still living at this address I have. For all I know, you've moved away and someone who doesn't even know either of us will be reading this letter because they get a kick out of reading about the private lives of other people.
That paranoia is one of the things that made us self-destruct in the end, isn't it? It's been nearly two years now and I still can't seem to figure it out. Closure isn't something that I absolutely must have in order to move on with my life, but it feels a little strange to not know if I have a way of "jinxing" relationships. Like there's these little moth holes in the fabric of my life and I just can't figure out how they got there. If that even makes sense. I remember you used to hate when I'd get really poetic during a conversation. Yes, if you're wondering, I have been able to move on after the way you hurt me. I have a wonderful boyfriend now, a job that I feel completely comfortable in, and on top of that, I feel as though I can finally put down roots and settle in for the rest of my life here.
Getting back to the subject, there are a lot of things that were going on near the end of our relationship that should have pointed directly towards us breaking up. Looking back, I can see what I probably did wrong. I recognize that and I'm sorry for whatever I might have done. I had started getting a little more absorbed in my work, which meant that I unintentionally started to ignore you or break off dates we'd had planned a couple of weeks in advance. It was very rude of me and I completely get that, I do. But I have to say that what you did to me felt like you were tearing my heart into pieces when I found out about it.
I can't remember why now, but for some reason, my parents had asked me to come down and visit them for a couple of weeks. I accepted since I hadn't actually seen them in quite a while. Who wouldn't want to see their parents after going without that kind of familial contact for several years? The trip itself was great, but as you know, coming back to Vancouver and finding out from you that you had been seeing another man for nearly six months was more than I could handle. For the longest time, I couldn't even voice an opinion on the matter, because I was basically just a big mass of heartache.
You destroyed what little bit of a heart I had left over from all the other times I'd been fucked over. Do you even understand that? Until I met my current boyfriend, an absolutely wonderful young man named Noel, I had myself thoroughly convinced that I was going to remain single for the rest of my life. Why? Because I actually did love you at one time. I loved you and probably would have ended up proposing to you if we hadn't broken up when we did. In the time since we "officially" broke up and the day I met Noel, I've done a lot of things that I'm definitely not proud of.
But I'm not going to dwell on the things I can't change. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, even if some small part of me actually is responsible for what happened between us, there was no excuse for cheating on me. I don't care what your justification is. There's no excuse, especially when you tell the person you're cheating on up front for no other reason than because you're hoping they'll forgive you. It's taken me a long time, but I think I've gotten to the point where I can do just that. Before you even think about asking me if we can still be friends -- no. I've tried being friends with exes before and it does not work. It's a mess that I'd rather not get into.
So, I guess this is it. I can't think of much else to say to you, or to whoever decided to open this letter. Whatever you're doing right now, I hope you're doing well at it, even if you did break my heart at one time. I'm not going to wish you ill anymore. Just ..... if you are reading this letter, please do not answer it. I don't want to know what you have to say. Goodbye, good night, whatever you want to call this. The end, perhaps? No. That's just a bit too cheesy and it adds hope where there is none.