Refreshed self on Yuletide source yesterday, and was reminded of how much I love it. Love also gives me wings. Today, fighting with the denouement of my Yuletide story. Either my recipient will like it, or ze'll learn to embrace the details field and Yule letter tradition next year.

Has anyone actually submitted the suggestion to the AO3 pantheon that the character limit on the pairings field be extended? Also, I am pondering wuzzle wrangling. I might not have the spoons, on the one hand, but on the other, I have a *koff* decent knowledge of some, ah, obscurer fandoms. Also, I just like saying it. Wuzzle wrangler. It's kinda like speaking Welsh.

No Nuna Exchange stories so far, but I suspect that'll change at the end of the month, if this year is anything like the last two. Also, I have been sounding off a bit in nuna_fans so as not to blast the dbsg comm with my special blend of "you people are stupid," "damn kids get off my lawn," "vive le revolution," and "would you like some self-absorption with that entitlement?" Tl;dr version: three members of DBSK are suing their management company for, frankly, unspeakably vile terms of contract. Cue mass freakout by kids afraid they'll break up and inclined to blame the three members for bringing it up rather than the company for, y'know, pulling shit. Cue Rana wanting to reach through the screen and beat a whole lot of people with her keyboard. Or just tell them all to grow the hell up before they interact with the rest of the human race.

Returning to writing, because it calms me, or at least allows me to channel my severe misanthropy in ways that won't get me arrested: my Broken Toys story is in fragments that nearly equal 3K words, none of them anywhere near a climax. So I guess I know what I'll be doing once the Yuletide is drafted.

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In the Mood: busy

I went to the supermarket yesterday.  There were fairly long lines with the pre-Thanksgiving crowd and the cashiers were hauling whole turkeys over the scanners. 

I was very grateful not to be working in a supermarket anymore. 

In fact, the market was always open on Thanksgiving and I started working there in September of 2006 so this is going to be the first Thanksgiving since 2005 where I won’t have to go to work. 

Nobody's added Count Cain/Godchild/The Cain Saga to AO3, yet, so what name should I add it under? I know it's on the Yuletide master list as The Cain Saga, so that's probably the name I should use, but nobody in the fandom calls it that, and the story I need to upload is actually in the Godchild timeframe. Preferences?

Also, I try to remind myself that there is no reason to get as gleeful about submitting bug reports as about inputting a new fandom or pairing (Yami peeps, you get a lot more choices now), but that doesn't stop me from doing it. It's a bug and I found it! Whee!

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In the Mood: giddy

This is about using the various labeling fields on AO3.

( Scroll on by if it's not a topic of interest )

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In the Mood: busy

Just added all my CSJH stories thus far to AO3, and I am writing up a post about my personal tagging system in terms of relationships. I also just added my Highlander/The Good King stories to the archive. The Good King as in Wenceslas, as in the Family Channel Movie based on the Christmas Carol based on the life of a guy who would actually do better with one of those bloodtastic gruefests that are all the cinematic rage. Really, the scene where he's knifed down by his brother and his brother's friends as he heads to Mass in the snow (not a scene that happened in the Family Channel version, more's the pity) is the sort of thing to make shock-value directors giggle themselves to sleep with sheer macabre glee.

Be that as it may, the movie we actually have is considerably more schmaltzy than gory, so I fixed it with a nice dose of one of the Four Horsemen from Highlander. Also, this fandom is too obscure for Yuletide (by fandom, in this case, I mean has at least one story, and this one has two, and they are both mine). I'm weirdly proud of that.

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In the Mood: high

So you know how you hear those stories about computer crashes that inevitably take place during holiday fic exchanges and those stories are held up as examples of why you should back up your writing files to two different places at least once a week?

It's a good thing I back mine up every morning these days, 'sall I'm saying. Well, that and my new laptop is named Trinity and she is wee, slick, badass, and so fast that she will shoot you in the head faster than you can dodge.

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In the Mood: relieved

Last night I had a dream that was backstory for Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. I was a young girl in a very wealthy family and the Basterds were using our decrepit summer estate for training. My mother cautioned me very strongly against associating with the Basterds but I think I sort of had a thing for Donny (aka the Bear Jew) who I referred to as a Golem.

I just finished watching season 1 of the television show Heroes and I can honestly say I’m a little obsessed. It’s not a great show but it is totally my kind of show, a sort of sprawling mishmash of elements from X-Men, Watchmen and the Manchurian Candidate and post 9/11 paranoia with lots of grandiose themes, moral ambiguity, family dysfunction and general angst.

I find myself particularly fascinated by the relationship between Peter and Nathan Petrelli. They’re brothers—Peter is a hospice nurse and Nathan is a lawyer running for Congress—but the intensity of their interactions makes them seem more like lovers.

I always wonder where stuff like (i.e. homoerotic and/or incestuous subtext) this comes from, is it intentional or just a quirk of chemistry? In some cases it’s conscious (on the DVD commentary for 28 Days Later for instance, Danny Boyle acknowledges that yet, Major Henry West is acting in a seductive manner towards Jim) I always wondered if while he was making Reservoir Dogs Quentin Tarantino told Tim Roth and Harvey Keitel to play Mr. Orange and Mr. White as a romance or if it just happened.

Some actors I’ve noticed just seem to have a particular gift for getting all over their male co-stars in a suggestive way. Viggo Mortensen (see him with William Hurt in A History of Violence or Vincent Cassel at the end of Eastern Promises) and Peter Stormare (Constantine, Prison Break, the Brothers Grimm) immediately come to mind but there are definitely others.

And speaking of slashy goodness…

Now that I’m done season 1 of Heroes I’ve started watching season 2 of the BBC show Merlin. Amusingly the season premiere starts off with scenes of Merlin rushing to a shirtless Arthur’s bedside and later Gwen doing the same for Morgana. In this series, I definitely think the homoerotic subtext is very conscious. There’s too much of it for it to be anything else.

I have mixed feelings about Merlin. On the one hand it feels like a rehash of the first couple seasons of Smallville in a medieval setting. Of course originality isn’t everything, but there’s a certain stagnancy to the show. It seems to tread water, never moving forward. Each episode seems to return it to a status quo. That said I do enjoy watching it because it’s so well done and beautiful to look at. The costumes and scenery and production design is wonderful. I’ve never seen a show with more vivid use of color. Katie Mcgrath and Angel Coulby, the young actresses who play Morgana and Gwen are absolutely exquisite. I could stare at Colin Morgan’s (Merlin’s) cheekbones all day and Anthony Stewart Head (Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) is wonderful and magnetic as the very ambiguous King Uther.

I’m feeling much better than I was when I posted back on the 9^th. 

My health insurance finally came through so I’m taking my medication at the proper dosage once again.  I’ve also taken steps to get my daily calorie intake up to a level where I’m functioning instead of just surviving. 

Other positive things—

After a couple weeks with nothing promising on the job front, about four positions have come up in the past few days that I’m going to apply for.  Maybe something will work out.  Not that I’m terribly eager to get back to work (because let’s face it, its work) but I’d feel a bit more secure with a steady income and some reliable health insurance coverage. 

The weather is wonderfully mild for mid-November, temperatures in the 50’s and 60’s this last week. 

I’m getting back into the habit of writing everyday, which is great.  When I’m not writing I always feel sort of directionless.  Practicing and honing my craft gives me a real sense of purpose and accomplishment.   

I find taking care of my grandmother really rewarding.  Since I moved in with her, I’ve taken over changing the bedding every week and yesterday she thanked me for that and was telling me what a terrible time she used to have doing it by herself and how much easier having me around made life for her.  It really makes me feel good knowing I’m helping her even if it is in a very small and simple way.

From the AO3 support team:

It's likely you're having difficulty with your threesome tags because each indivdual tag may only contain up to 42 characters. This is noted on the upload form, but a lot of people do miss it, and we're reviewing the way this information is displayed to users as we continue to get feedback.

For threesomes, we suggest using last names instead of full names to fit within the 42 characters per tag restriction.

In the Mood: pleased

I just got to submit a support ticket for AO3 asking how to tag stories for threesomes and moresomes (I mean, there's Multi and Other, but I need to be able to put in the pairings). And then there's that whole "implied X" or "past X" thing.

...

*\0/*

In the Mood: devious, apparently

Uploading everything to an archive and calling it good.

::ponders::

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In the Mood: sleepy

Got the Broken Toys fic started. By which I mean, got a first draft that's already over the minimum wordcount, but I think it's definitely one of those where I'm going to be filling things in for a few days. I might even expand it beyond a single scene, though that means I get to flail around with transitions, of which I am not so fond.

Have I mentioned that panic gives me wings? I always worry I'll default on a(nother) challenge, or completely fail to meet the deadline, if I don't produce a rough draft as fast as possible, so I always try to push something out within a few hours of getting the assignment. Then I can take a little more time refining it, and it puts me in a prime position for pinch hitting, but I always worry what will happen if there comes a time that I can't get a rough draft out like that.

My neuroses, let me show you them.

ETA: Okay, did we kill LJ or what?

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In the Mood: nerdy

Just got my Broken Toys assignment for jamponygifts, and am torn as to which prompt to fulfill. Or! I could combine a few of them, which might make for a longer story, but sometimes I manage those. Hmm....

I cross my fingers Yuletide will present me with such a quandary. And did I mention ten people ended up offering Anyband? Because they did. I feel there is only one icon truly appropriate for this. Luckily, I have it uploaded to all my journals.

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In the Mood: high

The fact that seven people are offering Anyband (at this point! More could be added!) frankly gets me choked up. I love my teeny, tiny fandom so very much, and to have brought it to the attention of others who love it.... Well. That's the kind of thing I'm in fandom for, y'know?

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In the Mood: touched

It's Veteran's Day in the U.S. I grew up a military brat. Señor is a trainer in the Navy, with his own rotating group of kids. And they are kids. Some of them are under twenty. He's had a few who were seventeen and needed parental consent to join. A lot of them are away from home for the first time, and along with teaching them to care for and use military equipment, including weapons, Señor gets to help them figure out finances, housing, how to handle a serious relationship, when to tell someone's trying to cheat you, which parts of a big city to avoid, how not to end up in jail during liberty, how to work as part of a team. Because he is approachable and accessible, he ends up playing counselor for their minor crises, advising them where to go next when they need professional assistance. We've had several over for holidays, because Mom and Dad are on the other side of the country and they don't have the leave to go home, and the barracks are not a place to spend a day off.

Some of these kids are in the military to get money for college. Some are in to get job skills other than flipping burgers or serving fries. Some are in because this was their best chance to get off the farm, off the streets, away from the factory that's cutting shifts and benefits and workers. A lot are in because they want a personal stake in protecting their families.

Most of these kids are veterans already. The U.S. military has a lot of involvement in a lot of places in the world, for good or ill, and Señor's specialization of force protection means he and his kids get shipped out all over the globe to act as security for other military personnel. It is part of Señor's job to train these kids to have a first instinct of getting between anybody else and enemy fire, of returning fire and engaging the enemy while the other personnel withdraw. As you can guess, it's not an easy job; he teaches his kids to shoot fast and shoot well, to maintain as much cover as possible while making sure that bullet goes exactly where it should. Expect to get wounded, he tells them. That's the price we pay so others don't have to.

Some of his kids have been transferred to other commands, and they have been wounded. A few months ago, we got word that one of them died defending his comrades. Whenever Señor deploys, the possibility looms. Hell, when he was up in Seattle a few years back, they had a guy open fire on them. The shooter was across the water, so none of the bullets made it far enough to hit anything, but it was still somebody shooting at them because of the uniform. This is the price we pay.

Whatever you feel about war, or the military industrial complex, please remember the people inside the uniforms, the kids and the women and the men who want to make a difference. Most of them know how fucked up it is that their choice to protect people means the possilbility of killing people. Most of them want peace the way only someone who has fought a war could.

hackthis has a great collection of links for soldier assistance, for anyone interested. There's also Any Soldier and its affiliated sites, for individual letter writing and care packages. If you're in an area with a nearby military base, you can also check for local efforts to help out our troops; these are especially good for getting the kids out of the barracks, since most of the national efforts you'll find are (understandably) geared toward the troops stationed abroad. You can also check with your local Veterans Affairs office to see if they need volunteers. My uncle, another veteran, used to work for them, and they always have a lot of things that need doing.

Next time you see someone in uniform, maybe just give them a smile. As you can guess, it's not the most psychologically and emotionally mellow job, and they can always use the boost of knowing people care.

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In the Mood: grateful

And I didn't even murder anybody, though there was a moment there in the middle of 2005 when I thought, "Wait, what is that little padlock-looking icon in the top...left...I HAVE NOT BEEN UNLOCKING," and there might have been thought given to how well bears could juggle fishbowls, with the right encouragement. I'm just saying.

Anyroad, you can now use my fic tags and actually find all the fic I have posted to my journal. What's not in the journal is up on my website.

Next step: Hard drugsMaster fic list.

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In the Mood: drunk

Or, How to Lose Your Mind in Three Torturous Steps

Bearing in mind that I am lost somewhere in the middle of step 1....

( All hope abandon, ye who enter here )

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In the Mood: scared

From diachrony.

Current Book:  Inkspell by Conrnelia Funke

Current Playlist:  Tori Amos’ “Winter Graces” album, Laura Nyro, the soundtrack to Where the Wild Things Are.

Current Guilty Pleasure:  Petrellicest (fan fic about Nathan/Peter Petrelli from the TV show Heroes.)

Current Color:  Pink, always.

Current Drink: Diet Mountain Dew Ultra-violet soda.  Celestial Seasonings Vanilla Hazelnut tea.

Current Food:  Gigantic honeycrisp apples from the Cooperstown Farmer’s Market.

Current Favorite Show:   Mad Men (I just watched the season finale).  Heroes (I’m watching the first season on DVD). 

Current Wishlist:  Books on Katherine Howard (Henry VIII’s 5^th wife), an ink cartridge for my computer.

Current Needs:  A job, decent health insurance. 

Current Triumphs:  I started writing again after several months of writer’s block. 

Current Bane of My Existence:  Waiting for my health insurance plan to finally kick in, waiting to get my security deposit on my apartment back.

Current Celebrity Crush:  Christina Hendricks (Joan on Mad Men, Saffron on Firefly). 

Current Indulgence:  I’ve been rediscovering slash these last few days.

Current Blessing:  My family, weather in the 50’s and 60’s even through it’s November. 

Current Slang:  “Bushwackin’, scrub, alkie piece of shit.” 

Current Outfit:   Black yoga pants and a pink hooded sweater.

Current Excitement:  I’m going into Cooperstown to ask about a couple of jobs tomorrow.  Also I'm going to be stopping at the natural foods store.  This constitutes excitement in my life. 

Current Mood: Fine and mellow.

Yesterday was such a good day. I went clothes shopping with my mom, which I normally really hate, but we found what we were looking for quickly. Then we watched movies, I lent her some books and gave her her birthday present early.

So it figures that today would be a bastion of misery and stress.

I am a fuck up. I am the biggest fuck up in the history of everything.

I have a presentation tomorrow. Not only did I forget about the presentation, I forgot to meet with my partner. So, she showed up at the library. I didn't.

I am such a piece of shit. This is why I hate group projects. I'm a relentless fuck up, but I'd rather not take other people down with me. I called her, and we worked it out, so it will be okay. But still, that fact that I messed up like that in the first place is unforgivable.

So, I didn't get my outline to the professor on time. No idea what that will do to my grade. It won't be pretty, that's for sure.

My life is a mess. A chaotic, ridiculous mess. And it's completely my fault. I cause almost all of my own problems by being an irresponsible, lazy, under-achieving, disorganized, screw up.

Oh, and the violent images that won't leave my head aren't helping. It's been a long time since I've hurt myself, but the urge is still my natural reaction to stress, especially the self-loathing kind. Trying to get through the day while unbidden images of stabbing yourself in the arm, driving a pen through your skull, and ripping out your own throat flash in your mind? Not fun.

I am one sick cookie.