|Winifred "Fred" Burkle (i_figure) wrote in we_coexist,|
@ 2011-04-12 01:41:00
|Entry tags:||castiel, fools wishes, winifred burkle|
Sometimes you get what you want, not what you need (Castiel/Fred log, cont'd in comments)
Fred had had fun, for the most part, but she was feeling a little down as she walked home. She hadn’t planned on someone walking home with her, so the walking home alone part really wasn’t all that surprising or unexpected. Yet, there were times she missed being in a group, waking up and walking down the stairs to find people who cared about her. They might not have “loved” her, but they certainly cared. Okay, so some might have loved her.
If asked, she’d say she was happy for Dinah and Harry; they were champions, and champions were meant to be together. But, that didn’t mean she didn’t feel a small twinge inside. When she got back to the office, she sat down on the couch, rather than going down to her/Angel’s basement apartment and stared at the box. The night had been fun, sort of. Being able to time travel had been fun, even if a little frustrating because she couldn’t quite figure it out, and she knew that if she wasn’t careful she could upset the space-time continuum which could be an issue even in the City where space and time weren’t normal. Seeing Lorne had certainly lifted her spirits a little, but it wasn’t the same.
She continued to stare at the box then blinked as it decided to come open. “Oh.” Her brows furrowed as she pulled out a small piece of origami paper and some instructions.
“A swan?” She thought it was a strange gift for the City to hand out; actually for some people, forcing them to fold paper to create something wasn’t much of a gift at all. It was more like work and frustrating work at that. She folded the paper this way and that, and finally lifted a very pathetic looking swan. “Sure, I can build death machines for the armless, but I can’t fold a stupid swan? And, I’m talking to myself again.”
She set what looked more like a very odd duck down on the couch beside her, her fingers lightly rocking it back and forth and trying to keep it from falling on its side. While she watched it flop and roll and rock a little, she wished that she wasn’t so very alone. She wished that someone actually wanted to be around her. She wished that someone would actually want to be near her because they wanted to be near her, not because she was some brainy type who could do amazing things with soldering irons and mathematics. Okay, maybe she did want to be desired, not just some silly Fred type person.
“You know Wesley liked you, right?” She picked up the duck/swan/mess and started for the apartment. “Yes, but he’s not here.” She turned around quickly and walked back to the office door and locked up. “You don’t know that.” Then she started back for the apartment to get undressed and into bed. “I’d have seen him by now. He’d want to know where I am, how I am.” Down the steps she went to the apartment, duck/swan/mess in hand. “Well, it’s really silly to be worried about all this. You’ve got more important things to worry about.” She walked into the bedroom and started to undress after placing her strange bit of origami on the nightstand. “Like what?” She paused to look at herself in the mirror. “Saving the world, keeping people safe, figuring out what the City really wants and what you’re doing here. You know, the usual stuff.” She smiled at herself and nodded. “You’re right. We’ve got a world to look after, even if it is just a City sized world.” With that she got changed and into bed. The dress hung in the closet with the matching shoes underneath.
“I’ll try harder tomorrow.” With that she turned out the light and curled up to sleep, giving the poor duck/swan/mess thing a smile. She’d figure it all out better after a little rest.
When she woke later that morning, she actually felt pretty decent. The worry about being alone had turned into the small little wish for company it usually was, but she’d lived that way before she met Angel, Cordelia, Wesley, Charles, and Lorne; there wasn’t any reason she could do it now. She got cleaned up, and was only a little sad to see that the dress wasn’t there anymore.
“Well, at least I got to wear it. The other one was going back the next day too.” A beat. “I think today will be a waffles day.” With that decision made, and a few others such as going to the Library and checking in on Norman, she headed out to get the waffles. It was an easy fix to the slight mopes, but it was one she liked to indulge in more often than not.
Castiel had discovered a great deal about the City in the past days. He was unable to measure its exact dimensions, even from a great height, and he spent much of his time pacing the top of the wall, trying to commune with the living forest beyond the green or watching the lives of those on the ground. He was generally able to conceal himself from humans, but he found here in this City that the world was so strange for its occupants, they barely even noticed anything out of the ordinary. No one could see him this high, and he was accustomed to watching the activities of humans for ages (literally) without movement.
Eventually, however, his thoughts turned to his charge and those he had met, and he decided to return to ground level. He wondered at the City’s care that he should receive an invitation to a gathering he had no interest in, wondered too that it went out of its way to provide attire, even as Castiel had no interest in such an event. He visited briefly, however, out-of-sight, to see if Dean appeared, but when he did not, he went back to his silent watching, and recognized Fred as she left the masquerade.
He watched over her as she went home, a habit that was ingrained in his being, and spared stray thoughts for this demon Crowley he had not been able to find. She went inside, and Castiel stayed in the night, finally subsiding into a vigil trance that was soothing and entirely without thought. Something, however, woke him up. It was still dark, and there was no reason, but he was awake and he was watching Fred’s room with all of his concentration. It was a strange, inexplicable warmth that came over him to know she was near, and until dawn broke, he didn’t go back into trance.
He knew the moment she woke, and actually paced until she appeared on her doorstep. A flame’s flicker later, he appeared too, out of nothing, literally inches from her elbow. He gave her a strangely adoring look. “Fred.”
Fred didn’t mean to jump, but jump she did. Well, it wasn’t everyday she had someone just appear out of nowhere, especially a someone who was beginning to seem more and more like an angel. Not that she’d ever met an angel to know what one seemed like, but really there weren’t that many choices of what he could be. She looked around, as if to see whether or not there were another Fred that Castiel might be talking to, but she only saw the trench coated man and herself standing there.
“Castiel.” Her brows furrowed for a moment because the look on his face was a little..odd. It held emotion that she was pretty certain hadn’t been there before; actually Fred really wasn’t sure there had been much of any emotion on the man’s face, other than a little bit of curiosity at times and determination at others. His face and voice had had a certain flatness to it before, and now...
“Good morning. I was going to get waffles. Would you like to come along? Have you had any luck in finding what you were looking for?” Fred hoped that there wasn’t a dead demon somewhere. Well, not Crowley anyway, until he proved to be a demon that needed to die. Or Lorne, not that Fred knew Lorne was in the City again. Or certain vampires...the list of exceptions was a little longer than she realized. There were always exceptions to rules, but most exceptions weren’t more than one or two, at most maybe three.
“Do you have a bunch of the same suits and ties? That must make it easier when you pick out what you plan to wear for the day.” She wasn’t trying to be rude, but he was in the same thing she’d last seen him in. Of course, it’d been a few days. “I always have to figure out what I’m going to wear, even if it’s just me going out of the house. It was easier when it was just a burlap bag of a dress because I didn’t have anything else to wear.”
She’d wait for his answer to the waffles invitation before moving again. She didn’t exactly step away from him because he didn’t seem like he’d be any trouble, not yet anyway.
Castiel stood and stared at her for a moment. His eyes seemed to glisten, and the unblinking stare took in everything she was. Humans had always seemed exceptionally dull to Castiel; his brothers were put together with white starshine and their limbs reached on forever, and when the angels spoke it was with the crystalline tones of chimes refined into thought and emotion. Humans had to settle for sound, awkward movement chained by strange physics, and they were bold and cruel and unpredictable. He had no idea that one could be beautiful.
She was speaking, and Castiel tried to listen. He couldn’t remember whatever it was that he’d been looking for. Fred was here, so there wasn’t anything else to search for. She seemed, to him, exceptionally fragile, all of a sudden. His chest swelled with the innate instinct to protect. This feeling was like protecting. Only... more.
“These are the clothes that I have,” he replied, with obvious effort to come down to earth, so to speak. “Are you going somewhere? Do you want me to take you there faster?” He stepped forward in an abrupt, entirely visible manner that he had never adopted before. It was obvious, even in the morning sunlight, that he was ever so slightly aglow, somewhere under his skin.
Fred stepped back when he stepped forward, from the action as much as from the feeling. Something was definitely different about Castiel. Something was odd. She actually had to smile a little at the thought that she would find anyone “odd,” but she was definitely feeling it now. Then again, Castiel might be some sort of bipolar angel type being who was distant some days and very emotional or emotive others. Or maybe he just needed some time to become comfortable or aware of the City, maybe he was always this...way.
“I bet the City would give you other clothes if you wanted them. Or maybe they’re at your apartment, or wherever you live? Maybe the City has them there? Not that you look bad. Your clothes look just right on you, and you don’t smell like you’ve been wearing them for a while. Then again, maybe you haven’t been. I’m sorry.” Fred blushed a little. “That was rude. But you really don’t smell bad. You smell a little like...well, like a lightning storm without the wet part.”
“And I’m okay walking. The waffle place isn’t far, most times. Would you like to go? They have coffee there.” Fred smiled at him.
He stopped when she maintained distance, but out of disappointment that he couldn’t be of service rather than any awareness of her uncertain reaction. The smile made Castiel smile back, a hopeful, bizarrely naive smile. It was such a raw, new expression, that it was hard to imagine him using it very often.
“I don’t need other clothes. Unless you think I need other clothes.” Castiel looked down as if abruptly finding the judgment necessary. “Are you fond of clothes?” he added, a little anxiously. “Smelling... good? Perfume?” He hadn’t thought any of these things necessary until now. “Would that make you more comfortable around me?” He took another step toward her.
Fred took another step back, but it didn’t take her very far, just into the side of the building. Her hand went up to keep him from coming any closer. She laughed softly as she watched him.
“You’re an angel, aren’t you?” It was possibly a strange jump in logic, but... “That’s why you’re being so nice. You had to make sure I was okay with angels? I can’t say I’m good or bad with them; you’d be the first one I’ve ever met, but that’s okay. I was afraid angels would be rather stuck up and uncomfortable. Well, maybe a little uncomfortable now, but I wasn’t expecting you to be so nice this time. Not that you weren’t nice last time. You weren’t so eager to be...well..this kind of nice, but that’s okay.” Fred’s smile brightened as she finally figured out what was going on, hopefully.
“You look fine. Just wonder if you ever wore anything else. It’s okay if you don’t like to wear other clothes, just as long as you keep these clean. Not that you look dirty. Being an angel you probably don’t have to worry about getting dirty - like you’ve got some special dirt off magic or something. And you smell fine, honest.” Fred pushed off the wall a little to stand closer to him. “You are an angel, right? You’re a good guy, right?” A pause. “Though, I guess being an angel doesn’t necessarily mean good guy, but still. You are, right?”
Of course, she would figure it out, yes. Fred had a strong yet demure soul, from Castiel’s perspective, and her mind was a maze. If you waited long enough, she always got to the right conclusion. He looked down at her hand and then back up at her. The glow abruptly intensified, like a dial turning up on a light bulb, and it was at once reassuring and frightening, a confusion of inarticulate power.
“Yes,” he said, with absolute certainty, a certainty no human really possessed. “Yes, I am good.” He reached up one hand to touch her cheek, and the contact was more mortal than anything else about him. The smile now was very slow and small, but quite a difference from any of his other expressions.
“Suddenly...” he began, turning his head without breaking the gaze into her eyes, “Suddenly... you are beautiful. Can you explain it?” The increase in arcane power was getting to the point where you couldn’t help but notice it. Bright flickers cut lines into reality behind his shoulders.
Fred’s smile beamed when he announced he was good, and while there were those out there who could probably put on something of an act, she really didn’t see how anyone could put on this much of an act. He was...glowing? Her brows furrowed more from the glowing than the question, and she shivered a little at the touch.
“Castiel.” Her hand went up to claim his, and while it wasn’t the brightest idea, she really didn’t want to have to be overly obvious about things either. Her voice lowered. “I don’t know how being an angel works, but I think you might be glowing. You didn’t glow yesterday. And...well, you’re not gonna explode, are you?” She was honestly concerned. There wasn’t any running away, now that she knew he was a good guy. Now that she knew he was a good guy angel. Both her hands now held his as she looked at him, worried.
“Are you okay? Cause I don’t think I’ve changed. Did you eat something you shouldn’t have? Oh!” Fred’s eyes got big. “Are you not supposed to have coffee?” Then she shook her head. “No, it’s been a little while since we had coffee. Then again, you could have had more. You’re not a coffee addict now, are you? Can angels be coffee addicts?”
The sense of potential in the air compounded when she touched him, new rain stinging the nose and little thrills of possibility shivering down his skin. His fingers curled over hers, not tightly, as if she was frail. “No, my vessel is very strong,” he reassured her. He turned, shoulder brushing hers, and there was a definite tingle of something sweeping behind to cradle her back and shoulder--though there was nothing to see.
Very intentionally, he took a deep breath and dialed down the white glow. The scent and the feeling stayed, but the glow, at least, was less. “I am not affected by stimulants of any kind. Do not worry.” His eyes adored hers. It just wasn’t natural.
“Your...vessel?” Fred jumped a little as something touched her. She even looked around, but..nothing. Maybe she was going crazy. No, this would be a very bad time to go crazy. Maybe the angel’s...”Why do you have a vessel? Oh, is it one of those ...are you like the demons? Well, not the demons, some demons. There are some demons who don’t need a vessel. If you’re like the demons who need vessels, why are y’all the good guys. Are y’all the good guys? I asked that, but that seems weird. Then again, if y’all exist on another plane of existence, then you might need a physical anchor in this one. Which makes sense, I guess. Demons and angels aren’t humans; y’all are supposed to be bigger and other.”
Fred was good at answering her own questions if she got long enough to think and talk it all out. It didn’t mean the questions were answered always to her liking, but it helped to be able to think it through. She looked at him, really looked at him.
“Are you okay? I’m all for touchy feely angels - sorta like that idea better than the come and kill you kind of Christopher Walken, but are you okay?”
“I don’t know; I’ve never felt like this before,” he confessed, as confused by it as she was but less inherently troubled, overcome as he was. When she did not move forward, he stopped as well, and the slight pressure at her shoulder vanished.
“It’s not like demons,” he said, stung enough that he was temporarily jolted out of the unnatural adoration. “Angelic vessels are devout.” All the difference, of course. “Blessed,” he added. He didn’t understand the Christopher Walking reference. He made a mental note to look it up. “Willing.”
However, he couldn’t say that all angels were ‘good.’ Discomfort shadowed his expression.
“You’ve..but..you’re an angel. You look like someone who’s smitten, not that you’re really smitten with me, but you do look a little like someone who is smitten. Thought all angels felt love. Or were love. They’re warriors, but they can feel love, right? Cause y’all love God and, well, I’m guessing some of you love humans. Probably not all of you.” Fred didn’t mention Lucifer this time, just left that one in the air.
“So, y’all get people who want to have you rather than demons who get people they just don’t care? Do y’all care about your vessels? You seem like you’d be the type that’d care.” She smiled at him, and without warning, because he did look a little upset and she maybe needed it even if he was acting oddly - then again how was she supposed to know what was normal for an angel - she moved close and gave him a quick hug.
The hug wasn’t quick at all. He put his arms around her and they were suddenly hard and without give. He didn’t smell human, the jacket slightly dusty, old dry-cleaning chemicals clinging to the cloth. Castiel, on the other hand, temporarily forgot the entire conversation, and he did not answer even one of her questions.
Fred had planned on it being a short hug, honest. She didn’t fight it; it was nice to be held. Plus, she didn’t want to seem rude, right off anyway. She was the one who initiated the hug after all, right? She gave a quick peek around over his shoulder before settling into the hug. Hey, he was an angel; he wasn’t Christopher Walken, and he was a good guy. She hoped he was.
She snuggled in against him for just a moment. He didn’t smell like he was an angel, or what she imagined he’d smell. But, he did. He smelled like some guy who sat behind a desk, which is what he looked like. The hug had gone for a little bit, but then she stood up to look at him, or well, move.
He did not let her go. "We care about our vessels. I wish these were my arms," he added, longingly, without pause from one sentence to the other. "I'm sure it would feel different. Better. This is not the same love that angels have. Perhaps it is a human effect." He tucked a slightly unshaven chin down on his loose tie so he could look closely at her.
Fred was getting nervous, as he wasn’t letting her go. She’d given the sign, right? That was how it worked, but then he was an angel stuffed into a human body. She doubted he “loved” her like a man would love a woman, seeing as he was currently a man and she had more or less always been a woman. Maybe being caught in a vessel had a weird effect on that feeling of caring.
“It probably is. Probably just cause you’re in a human body, that’s all.” She was trying not to sound nervous. It wasn’t just that he wasn’t letting her go; there was something else. The angel was making her feel wanted, that strange little thrill of maybe about to be kissed, but he’d only just met her! Well, she’d only just met him, too.
“Castiel, do you think maybe you can let me breathe?” There was a smile on her lips as she asked almost sheepishly.
His arms loosed, and with what seemed like a very visible effort, he released her and stepped back. The glow abated, and the distortion in the air behind his shoulders was gone. “Of course,” he said, abruptly confused and guilty. “I didn’t mean to do that.”
His eyes didn’t leave hers. “No; I do not think it is the vessel. He is...” The brilliant blue abruptly went vague before suddenly sharpening to their usual hue. “...asleep, I suppose you could say. You really think it’s him?”
“Oh, no, you didn’t hurt me.” Fred’s smile softened; she hadn’t meant to make him feel awkward. Her hand rested on his upper arm for a moment to give it a soft rub and a squeeze. Her hand dropped to take his, so that he’d know she wasn’t mad or anything like that.
“I wouldn’t say it’s him. I don’t really know how angel/human physiology works. You’re my first angel after all. But, there’s a possibility that the for whatever reason, the body you’re in, your vessel’s body not so much his soul or personality or whatever, may be interacting oddly with mine. Though, I’m not certain why it would do it now not when we first met. Maybe there’s something in the air, some allergen in the City that isn’t where you’re from? Maybe there’s some weird mix between you being an angel, the vessel you’re in, and the City. And me. But, it’s probably not so much with me as it is with the rest.” Fred smiled reassuringly and stepped closer, risking another hug.
“We’ll figure it out.” She felt oddly protective of someone/thing who could probably break her like a twig with little thought. He needed someone to keep him safe in the not overly heroic way.