I Resist the Muses

Being William.

Not being William.

Finding out it was all a lie.

Truth? I don't think about it, not anymore.

Used to think about it all the time, used to live for it. But love isn't love unless its returned and with me - it's never been. Not once. Thought it was, hoped it was, deluded myself into believing it was. But it wasn't. Well, 'cept fer me mum, but I don't think that's what yer talkin' about it, is it?

I've been in love three times. First time, bint said I was beneath 'er. I prob'ly was.

Second and third times, I was just a stand in for my sire and I'm not doin' that no more. Not gonna be with someone who doesn't love me fer me. All of me - demon and soul. But where'm I gonna find a woman like that? One who's compassionate and romantic - and likes the rough stuff too? Will like m'poetry no matter how bad it might be, will understand that I need to be who I am and can't be a fill in fer someone else?

No such being. I'm not stupid, I know it's useless.

But sometimes, just sometimes, mind, I let myself dream...

( I am my own grandpa... )

Who am I?

Now there's a question. I know who I was. Was the biggest, baddest vamp there ever was. Once.

Oh, I'm still him, but I'm more too. Less sometimes. Got a soul now, for what that's worth. Got a tag that reads 'champion' but that ain't worth the tin metal its written on. Shiny baubles are off my accessories list from here until eternity.

I am... well, depends on who you ask, I suppose. Ask Buffy, I'm the one who died so she wouldn't have to. Ask the Poof, I'm the bloody thorn in his bloody side. :grin: Work hard at that one. Ask the Blue Meany and I'm just a punching bag.

But if you ask me?

I'm William, whatever that means. I'll live forever, if I can avoid the sunlight, and I'll fight for good while I'm here. Not for her, not for him, but for me. For who I was, for who I could be. For whoever it is I'm becoming.