I Resist the Muses

This is amusing. I don't get to talk often. Jonathan babbles on and keeps giving away secrets that shouldn't be given away and all.

But I can tell you what makes me laugh. Jonathan doesn't really laugh. He's serious all the time. It's rare for him to crack a smile. It's usually a smirk. Of course, I smirk as well, but I also grin when I'm having my bit of fun with people.

I make people scream and I laugh at them because it's amusing that they're in my power and they're scared instead of me or Jonathan. I hate it when Jonathan is scared because it means other people have power over us and that's not right.

It's stress relief, not evil I tell you. I like their screams because it feels like I am finally getting rid of the pain that we've been through in high school and I laugh because that's how stress goes out.

Well, when I was still in high school one of my favorite things to do was to think about how much more intelligent I was than the annoying, idiot jocks who beat me up. I always reminded myself that when I grew up I would be making a lot more money than them because I would be a brilliant doctor like my Gran always told me that I would be.

I held onto this belief all the way until after medical school. After my residential work, I found that I really did not enjoy that type of work and decided to settle on an academic career, which wasn't as well paying certainly. In fact, I was only an assistant professor and well, I didn't last long because my teaching methods were...questionable.

I was still probably far more intelligent than those idiots ever were and that still made me happy. Especially since I had a doctorate. That continues to give me great joy.

...And I also like finding victims to scare and making them scream when I'm down, but that is something to speak of on another day.

If I had to pick my greatest loss, I think it would be my sanity.

If I ever had it in the first place, that is.

I've never been entirely sure if I was sane or not. Sometimes I wonder if I was born insane and the only thing I lost was the ability to hide my insanity from both the world and myself.

The other in my mind constantly reminds me of the fact that I've not been sane for a long time. How many sane people have someone in their heads who like to hear others scream in fear? My other has been there for a long time - since junior high maybe. Can't really remember.

He is me and I am him and together we lost our mind. Sometimes I can't tell myself apart from him.

...I think I've drifted off topic a bit.

Anyways, I think my greatest lost was any semblance of sanity I had because...now how can I pass for a normal person and appear to have a normal life now that Jonathan Crane is known as a lunatic and with Batman on his tail?

Stupid people. Idiots. Those are the kinds of people who make me lose my temper.

College students are the usual offenders. Oh yes, there are the few college students that take school seriously and the ratio may differ from school to school of serious students to partying students, but there will always be the idiots. The students that think that college is just goof off time, the time when they finally can get drunk and party without their parents watching over them. The students who would take the easiest classes they could for their general education classes and sometimes this would include the Psych 101 class.

And I used to be a TA for those classes when I was in grad school and had to grade their papers. Do you realize that in the scheme of things, whenever you grade papers in college, you get good papers, mediorce papers and papers you just want to toss and burn because they rape the English language?

Well, that made me lose my temper a lot, but I kept it under wraps mostly. Now, I can't control my temper with such things anymore now that my self-control is broken. And more often than not it is idiots are what triggers it. I often have to work with them...most of the help I...hire are high school dropouts.

My greatest fear?

Well, how about you tell me yours first and then perhaps I'll tell you. You see, my specialty is in finding out the fears of others and one rule that I have is that I never tell others mine because they might use it against me much like I might use it against them. Call me paranoid, but that's how I am.

Why do I like knowing the fears of others? Well, when I was in high school, there were bullies who preyed upon my own fears and I learned the power of fear from that and other incidents. And I quite like having that power over other people. The feeling you get when you have someone screaming their head off when they hallucinate their greatest fear is exhilarating and I don't ever want someone getting that from me.

So, I'm not going to share my greatest fear out in the open.

( [Private] )

Sometimes when your co-workers are listening to a radio station you don't particularly care for, you come across a song that reflects your life and the confusion you face. Perhaps I am remarkably aware of my own state of mind for one that is supposedly insane, but honestly everyone has their breaking points.

But back to the song.

One day, a co-worker at the asylum turned on the radio during our break and the song Unwell by a group called Matchbox 20 was playing. My co-worker groaned and complained that she was tired of that song being played so much because all it would do is remind her of her job, which she hated. It's hard not to hate a job where you deal with the criminally insane, who do occasionally demand that they are perfectly okay and do not need a "shrink".

Well, when my co-worker pointed the song out to me, I listened and saw a bit of myself in the song, much to my own dismay. I knew at the time that I was on the edge and only holding on slightly because of all the stress of my job and my...not so legal activities. I denied that I was losing it everyday, assuring myself that once the stress passed and once I got a better job that I myself would be better. But I knew I was losing it too. The other me in my head wouldn't let me forget it.

I don't think I've been in love, romantic love that is. I've had crushes on girls in high school and university, but I never actually acted on them as I was too shy. I never felt that I needed another to feel complete.

[Besides, the other me in my mind would get jealous. I don't particularly like what happens when he's jealous.]

Familial love, I'm not very familiar with either. I suppose the love Granny had for me could be considered tough love, but it didn't feel that way to me at the time.

This is hard for me to write actually, I don't really have much to say on the topic. I know a lot about it from a psychological standpoint, but I have no personal experience with the emotion. Well, I do love knowledge and various other things.

[Like seeing others scream in terror.]

There's not much else to say.

( I don't exactly have a family... )

Comments Welcome

First let me tell you that I am not quite all here. You see, they tell me I'm insane at the Asylum I used to work at, but what would they know without me there to guide them? They were all idiots, but I showed them when I was in charge.

( And now they say... )