I Resist the Muses

How deadly is your character?
A perfect day.

My worst enemy
Wishes

You may think this is obvious. World domination is the good ol' standard villain trope, right? Of course I want to take over the world. I'm evil! And how do you know I'm evil? Because I want to take over the world.

Nobody ever seems to stop and consider that there might be good reasons for an evil dictator to be in charge of everything. Nobody ever thinks about how much better off a world ruled by an evil but (mostly) fair dictator with absolute power world be.

Why me? Well, because I don't think anybody else can do it.

Really, when you think about it, I'm just another starry eyed idealist looking to make change in the world. The difference between me and the college kid with the petition to legalize pot is that I stand a chance of actually doing something.

My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing. - Jessica Alba

I'd like to think this is true, but my experience suggests otherwise. I mean, it works okay some of the time, mostly with people who are easy to bullshit anyway. The ones who know what they're doing? The really smart, clever ones? The ones you really want to impress? Not a chance.

Believe me, I've tried.

There are people I would take a bullet for and people I would like to put a bullet in.

I think that's true of most people. Even Buddhist monks, all but the very best, and none of the ones I know are the very best yet.

Of course, I'm the kind of person who's got a very long list for the second half of that line. I'm not what you'd call patient, except when I have to be, and I don't like it then either.

And well... most of the people I'd take a bullet for are a lot more bulletproof than I am. I'm just kind of lame like that, story of my life. So I guess I'll stick to taking pot shots at people for the time being.

If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear? - Confucius

They call me evil.

Well, okay, I call me evil too. But hang with me, ok? I'm making a point.

They call me evil because my goals conflict with theirs. Yeah, sure, world domination sounds pretty bad at first blush, but who says the world wouldn't be better with me running it? I've read the Evil Overlord list. I know that the best way to run an Evil Empire is to make the peons happy.

Ruling the world just for the hell of it would get boring fast. But ruling the world to fix the puzzle of humanity's amazing ability to fuck itself up, well, that'd be a hell of a project. And if I can fix it... well, why would that be a bad thing?

Do you believe in an afterlife? If so, what do you expect to find when you get there?

I've come close to dying... well, enough times that I've actually thought about dying. You really do think about it when you're falling out of the sky or getting the crap beaten out of you.

Religiously, I'm not sure what you'd call me.

I believe in evil. I believe in being evil. But I really suck at it.

I wonder if it's possible to suck at evil so bad I go to heaven?

I dunno. I don't really believe in heaven or hell. I'm not sure about reincarnation. I probably ought to believe in it, but it's hard to get my head around.

Probably there's a line. I bet the afterlife looks like the DMV. It'd be just my luck.

The creepiest thing ever?

Not guys who could crush my skull with a karate chop and give Chuck Norris a run for his money. Not magicians who can destroy the world. No, the creepiest thing is looking up into your own face as your robot double is trying to kill you.

Because, seriously? I do not need my self hatred to be that externalized, thanks.

Hey, cool, something kinda pleasant for the holiday.

Does this hotel celebrate holidays? I can't tell -- it doesn't look much more crowded than usual.

Anyway, cooking. There's not too much I can say on the subject. Generally I let the robots handle food duties because I've got better things to do. And, as a bonus, they never feel bad if I get distracted and let the food get cold like my mom does sometimes. I don't like making my mom feel bad, but I like stopping what I'm doing even less. You know how it is, you get on a roll and you just can't stop to eat.

I tried cooking a couple times. Mom kept giving me lessons at it when I was ten or so, but I never really took to it. After I set the stove on fire, she stopped trying. That's why we have cooks, you know! And robots.

What do I want? Oh, that's easy. Complete and total domination of the world. Yeah, it's no Miss America answer, but I'm not really the Miss America type. I can't walk in heels for shit, for one thing. The only kind of world peace I'm interested in is the kind that exists because all of humanity is united under my iron (or at least leather-clad) fist.

That's really all I could ask for. Well, that and the destruction of my enemies. Or at least them saying they were sorry they'd ever opposed me. That'd be pretty cool.

And just between you and me, electronic journal, it'd be nice if a certain somebody called me something other than "worm" once in a while. And if maybe I had some real friends instead of everybody, good or evil, just trying to get in a laugh at my expense.

But I'll settle for world domination.

Schadenfreude.

What song best describes you and why?

Oh, this is an easy one. I'm a 21st century digital boy all the way.

The lyrics say it all - dad the oblivious businessman, emotionally absent mother, spoiled brat kid who knows how to talk to computers better than people. It's me.

There's lots of things that are good to do when you're in a bad mood. Blowing shit up in video games, reading comic books, that sort of thing. But I think my favorite would have to be building new robots. I mean, there's nothing quite like slavish devotion from circuitry to get you back on the sunny side of the street, you know? Generally one good "hello, master" is all it takes to lift my spirits.

I lose all the time. I'm used to it. It doesn't bother me anymore.

No, really, it doesn't.

Really.

But I never did get over Wuya running off on me.

What makes me lose my temper?

I hate being pushed around, but usually I can't do much about it. Really, that just makes me more angry and more likely to lose my temper, but after I lose it I end up suffering for it. Doesn't do much good, does it? I've tried the whole Buddhist / not-attached / victory-in-defeat thing that Chase does, but as far as I can tell his definition of victory in defeat is acting smug and all-knowing even when he loses, like a cat that just rolled off the TV in his sleep and then gives you a look like he meant to do that, and I'm just not that cool.

So then I look dumb, and knowing that I look dumb makes me lose my temper even more. Vicious cycle, isn't it?