I Resist the Muses

But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscious seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
- The Who (Behind Blue Eyes)

The dreams I have now are of a red haired woman, with an Irish accent that could make me shiver, screaming my name. Fear on her face as I vanish from her sight leaving her trapped in a time she didn't belong in. I knew I should have tried talking her out of wanting to come with me, something in my gut said something would happen. I just couldn't turn her down, the want to get revenge for her brother's death. I know if something happened to Nathan I'd want the same thing.

Her face haunts me night after night so much that sometimes just sometimes I can almost hear her voice. I know I have to get back there and bring her home. Get her back where she belongs, back home to Ireland. I broke a promise to her and left her alone and for that I am truly sorry. I wonder how much time has passed there for her, is she even alive with the virus? Things that I let eat away at my mind as I try and will myself back to that moment.

She loved me and I let her down. Seems to be what I am good at sometimes.

Peter Petrelli // Heroes // 202 Words

"What were your findings?"

"X5-493 has been classified as mildly psychotic Sir."

"Can he been salvaged?"

"Yes Colonel Lydecker. Psy-Ops should fix him."

"Do it."

"Yes Sir. If it does not work Sir?"

"Then we harvest his organs and terminate the subject."

"Yes Sir."

Ben paced the room they had him in, he didn't want to be here. He hadn't wanted to go back and now here he was in the basement with the other Nomlies. He could hear them as they spoke. His brows creased at the words mildly psychotic. So he was really crazy but only mildly so? He shook his head not understanding them. How could that be? He didn't think he was crazy at all. He was doing what they trained him to do. They wanted him to be a predator, a hunter, a soldier. Now it seemed as if that was wrong. He frowned at that and gave a frustrated growl. He tried so hard to be a good soldier and now they were saying he failed.

Maybe Max had been right, maybe everyone was right. Maybe he was just broken, maybe he should be put down. A deep growl sounded from inside, no he wouldn't let them win. He'd play their games until he could get out then go and then he'd show Max he wasn't a Nomlie. He'd prove to everyone he was a good soldier.

That he wasn't a broken toy soldier.

Ben 'X5-493' // Dark Angel // 230 Words

That slap still stung, damn Tyra had one hell of a slap. He knew he deserved it, hell he made a mistake. He could admit that. Everything was about to tumble down around Tim Riggins. In a moment of weakness and frustration he had lost the woman he could say he was in love with, and his best friend. He had to wonder why he was such an ass to risk it all for Lyla Garrity of all people. He knew there was nothing there for him, she was Jim's girl.

Now he laid on his bed looking up at the ceiling tossing a football. He fucked up and he fucked up bad this time. He knew he was going to have to work and hard as hell if he was ever going to get Tyra back. It was funny, he hadn't realized he had found the right girl, the one he wanted to spend his life with. Not until she was gone.

Now the hard part was trying to get Tyra to forget the past and give him another chance. This was going to take some work.

Tim Riggins // Friday Night Lights // 187 Words

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
[30 Seconds To Mars]

Thirty seconds to... what? Mars as in, the god? Or the chocolate bar? I bought one the other day, at the cornershop. It was absurdly gooey. These things you keep bringing up... I'm almost led to believe that your intent is to make me miserable. To goad me into making a fool of myself again, a sobbing woman... But let me tell you, I have no taste for breastbeating. I would look good in rent and torn sackcloth, ashes in my hair, crawling to the cross, begging for forgiveness, yes, but as to the honesty of the gesture? Well. That is debatable.

And so is this whole business of "forgetting about the past and washing away what happened last". What's done... is done. A broken jug may be mended, but you will always see the cracks. And it will come apart again, at the same seams and cracks. Trust, once broken, will remain thus. A promise once given and then revoked - such is mancanza di fede, and shameless.

I know all about it because I'm guilty of it. Would I like to "forget", and "wash away", as if immersing myself in the Jordan and coming out clean? It can't be done, believe me. Pontius Pilatus tried and scrubbed his hands bloody, wearing his flesh down to the bone.

So it is better to learn to live with the things one can't rinse off. The stains will stay, but at least they'll pale.

Prompt 31 - What have you done that you wish you could apologize for? [closed]

Prompt 33 - "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not? [closed]

Prompt 34. "There are people I would take a bullet for and people I would like to put a bullet in." ---Benji (Good Charlotte) [closed]

Prompt 31 - What have you done that you wish you could apologize for? - CLOSED

Prompt 33-"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not? - OPEN

Prompt 34 - "There are people I would take a bullet for and people I would like to put a bullet in." ---Benji (Good Charlotte) - CLOSED

For 24 Hours, you're given the chance to step in and take over a company, the presidency, or something else of your choosing. What do you do with that 24 hours?

Um.  *shuffles feet*  I don't know the first thing about human businesses.  I already turned down the opportunity to run a kingdom: running my own family was difficult enough.  Taking responsibility for something so important to so many people? I would no doubt screw that up as thoroughly as I screwed up the whole of Beleriand.

No, I would assume that the board of directors already know what they're doing, I'd tell them to carry on doing exactly that, and I'd walk away with the paycheck for one day's salary plus dividends in my pocket.

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
-- 30 Seconds To Mars

Oh, if only it was that simple.  I would give anything to be able to forget; when I wake in the night in a cold sweat of terror, reliving those days of torture in Angband, the days of grief following Findekano's death, the days when my sword was dead with the blood of those I'd killed; not just orcs but elves too.  To wash away the past is impossible because it happened and it cannot be un-done or unwound. I will never be able to wash that guilt and that blood from my memories, my heart.

I do my best to forget, or at least to try not to think about it any more. I live in a very different world now, this modern age. There are no orcs here, no battles, no Silmarils. The streets here do not run red with blood. But elves have long lives, and our very nature ensures that we do not completely forget.

I think I will take this quote one line at a time.

But my dreams they aren't as empty
This part is very true. I have dreams, as you may recall from my last post, and they are certainly not empty. Thankfully not all of them are flashbacks to war and torture and death. Some of them are just plain ordinary dreams, just like anyone else's.

As my conscious seems to be
How can my conscious be empty? If it was I'd be unconscious. I did think that the word ought to be "conscience" which makes a lot more sense, but then it becomes totally untrue for me. My conscience is far from empty - on the contrary it overflows like the Falls of Sirion.

I have hours, only lonely
I am immortal. I do not have hours, I have for ever. That's a long time to harbour guilt.

My love is vengeance
My first reaction to this was never, but then I thought about the hours I spent fighting with Findekano, the times I screamed that I hated him. And my father's love for his own father became an errand of vengance against his killer. Maybe my own decision to abdicate the crown to my uncle was an act of vengeance too; an act against the brothers who had wanted me dead. There are only three loves in my life that have never been tainted by vengeance. My mother, my brother Macalaure, and my lover grey.

That's never free
No-one is ever truly free.

- The Who (Behind Blue Eyes)

I am... I am a friend, a rebell, a merchant, a caretaker. I am a keen eye watching the world around me. I read the diaries of my great grandmother and wonder what it would be like to live a life without walls, without worry of death and darkness.

Alright, I might be confusing you a bit. I am Andon Mark, born and raised in a world that's broken and dying. It's been like this for a long time now but that doesn't mean you ever really get used to it. I know I haven't and I was born and raised in this place. A city surrounded by walls, keeping the dead out and keeping the live inside. I could get into a discussion of how alive you really feel when all you do is monitored and controlled by a government that doesn't trust you. They say we should be happy we're allowed to be free and to live.

My name is Andon Mark and I am a child of a broken world.