Ronan Lynch (alteridem) wrote in valloic, @ 2020-11-24 20:21:00 |
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Entry tags: | !: action/thread/log, the raven cycle: matthew lynch, the raven cycle: ronan lynch |
“Eat this and don’t complain about the veggies. It’s just peppers and onions. It’s not like I snuck kale in there.” He shoved a foil-wrapped breakfast burrito into Matthew’s hand and kept walking out across their land towards Niall Lynch’s dream tree. It was the one a younger Ronan and Matthew had sat inside many times over the years and it seemed as good a place as any to talk about Niall’s visit.
“Dad asked about you,” he mumbled, taking an oversized bite to give him a second to put his thoughts together.
Matthew had just finished off the last of his morning frappuccino, his morning bagel had been finished by the time he obtained his morning pie, which had been finished by the time he got to his morning frappuccino, so fortunately all of this came full circle. Matthew Lynch ran on sugar, but he fed off of the emotions of others. He was never happier than when the people closest to him were happy, and when they were hurting Matthew felt it like a physical blow. So of course with Blue and Gansey so heartsick over Henry and Ronan on edge from Niall’s visit, Matthew wanted nothing more than giant pillows and soft blankets and snacks and everyone he loved in one room.
He took the burrito without complaint about filler vegetables and unwrapped it, quick to take a bite. He. watched Ronan, closely, like the answer was written on him. Here, Matthew, this is what your dad has to say. And what he wanted to hear, Matthew didn’t even know. He was wrestling his idealism with the reality of the man, and that was a tough thing to do. To combine Niall Lynch, their father, his magic and charisma and jubilance and the glowing memories Matthew had, with Niall Lynch who kept secrets. Who forced Declan, Ronan, and Matthew out of their family home essentially as orphans, following his death and Aurora’s slumber. Who held Ronan’s power over him as a test.
But Matthew still loved him. Missed him fiercely.
“What’d he say?” Matthew asked, as they came up on the dream tree with its distinct silhouette of perfect tree climbing branches and carved out trunk perfect for little boys to hide and imagine in. “No, wait. How are you? Don’t worry about me for a sec, you’re important and your feelings are important.”
Ronan rolled his eyes but it was a kneejerk response to kindness and didn’t have any real heat to it. He wrapped an arm around his brother’s head and hugged him for a second. “I’m fine, Matty. I’m--It was good to see him.”
There were a number of people who’d hated Niall Lynch. But even though he’d left Ronan scrambling for solid ground while deep in the throes of grief, he would never be someone Ronan could hate. There were too many years of Niall’s stories and riding his dad’s shoulders and sharing the magic of their dreams.
“He asked how you were. I told him you knew. That we knew.” Ronan scowled, releasing Matthew to fidget with the foil wrapper of his burrito. “He wanted to know if you were okay.”
Matthew rubbed his curly hair against the side of Ronan’s head. It was Matthew’s instinctive comfort move, something he had been doing to receive support but also to give it. It was better than snapping “that I found out,” like Matthew had in the past out of hurt and anger, because he wasn’t angry anymore, really. He couldn’t be, once he really thought about it. There were still things Matthew didn’t know, things Matthew might never know, but his love for Ronan trumped anything. He didn’t have a time frame that he needed to have everything figured out, but Matthew knew that when or if he did, he had a family to fall back on.
“I’m okay,” he promised. Just in case that was what Ronan needed to hear as well. “Sometimes I don’t think about it at all, you know? There are like, days, weeks, whatever, and it’s like I forget. And then something comes along and I remember, which isn’t always great, but sometimes it’s not bad. Just life, I guess.” Mathew shrugged. Someday he’d like to actually tell someone his weird origin and laugh about it, not be afraid of what someone would say or think. Someday.
He chanced a glance over at Ronan. “But...there’s something else? You look upset.” Different than the scowl Ronan gave to strangers just because he was Ronan. “You can tell me.” Matthew had been trying to be okay with difficult feelings--he’d never lose his five hundred smiley faces, his exclamation points, his gregarious hugs, his relentless cheer, that was who Matthew was, truly. But he also wanted to be someone that other people could confide in and feel like he was an equal. That meant bracing himself sometimes for the unexpected, but every time he did, he felt a little more real.
I’m okay. Ronan hadn’t though the needed to hear that so cut and dry, but it quieted something anxious inside of him. He chewed another bite of burrito before wrapping it back up and jamming it into a jacket pocket.
“I’m glad you’re okay. He would be glad too. I know everyone—“ He huffed out a breath through his nose. Talking about his dad always made him feel like he was on one side of a river while everyone who loved him was on the other. Not as much Matthew, though. Maybe it was just him and Matthew on this side. “I know he fucked up and I know he maybe wasn’t the greatest dad, but he cared. About all of us.”
Ronan swallowed dryly and glanced up into the tree branches above them. “I told him he should’ve done a better job of showing it.”
Matthew shoved the rest of his burrito in his mouth before stretching his arms overhead and grabbing on to a tree branch. He hung there, swinging a bit like he had as a kid. Given that the tree was a Niall Lynch creation, it would always hold, and probably had been magicked somehow to protect three rambunctious boys (or, two, and Declan occasionally indulging) from falling to the ground. This land was their home, the place where they were meant to be safe and secure. It wasn’t just the Lynch family farm anymore, because all of the Gangsey were making their mark, and wasn’t that great? But Niall’s touch was still everywhere.
“He really did,” Matthew agreed, after a moment of reflection. “I know Dad loved us the best way he could. I just think he had secrets, you know? And because he had those secrets, he couldn’t fully be there. Be here. He did bad things, but he did some really great ones too. Those good things don’t eliminate the bad, but those bad things don’t eliminate the good ones either. I love Dad, I’ll always miss him. I just--”
He fell silent, the pit in his stomach having nothing to do with the various types of breakfast food Matthew had consumed and instead the unsettling statement he had almost said. But no, Matthew, push forward, it was alright. He could be uncomfortable and unsure but he wasn’t going to hold back. “I want to know that Dad loved me for me, not because I’m a dream. And that he didn’t feel like they got saddled with a baby they didn’t want. That’s all.”
“I…I don’t know the answer to that, I’m sorry.” Ronan frowned and rubbed a hand over his face. His instincts were to argue. He hated the thought of Niall only loving Matthew because he was made of their magic. But he couldn’t argue that it wasn’t true. He didn’t know what was true about his dad anymore and he was trying to break free from the years of blindly idolizing him.
“I wish you’d asked while he was still standing right here.” He dropped his hand away from his face and kicked his toe through the dirt at their feet. “We can still use Dan to try and talk to him again if you want. I told him we still wanted to talk to Mom.”
“Oh.”
Matthew’s feet hit the ground and he stared, owlishly at Ronan. Like he was surprised he was there, like the first few seconds of surprise at an injury before the pain hit. He had expected reassurances from Ronan, that even if he didn’t directly know, he’d still say that Matthew didn’t need to worry, Niall Lynch had been a lot of things but he was a man who loved his sons, including the one who technically wasn’t. But Matthew had also asked Ronan not to lie to him, so maybe that was the consequence of honesty. It wasn’t always nice. Sometimes it hurt.
He blinked hard to clear his vision. Swallowed. Swallowed again. Swallowed a third time and then was finally able to find his voice. “Yeah. I guess I just--I don’t know. I didn’t. That’s on me.” He thought about sitting. Thought about walking away so he could be alone. Matthew stayed put, running his hands through his hair until the curls looked like a disheveled mop. “I don’t think I want to try. Maybe. I don’t know. Probably not. If it wasn’t pretty clear now, I’m not sure it will ever be,” Which, oh boy was that a lot for Matthew to process. Too much.
“So that was it?” Matthew’s gaze turned somewhere in the distance, far off. “Dad was here for four days, Ro, he had to have said more. Not about me, even, just the farm? You? Dreaming? The new people who live here?”
That little oh was enough to have Ronan swiveling a sharp gaze to his brother, so he got to watch Matthew try to box up his emotions into something tidy. It felt like something with claws had crawled inside Ronan’s chest. He frowned and inched close enough to grab Matthew by the side of his neck.
“Hey, just...hold on. I need you to hear me for a second.” He knocked their foreheads together lightly to drive the demand home. “We could ask Dad a thousand times and it would still come down to faith and how you feel. Did you feel like he loved you for you? Did you feel like an obligation?” His scowl pinched the corners of his eyes and he tilted his head to get a better into Matthew’s eyes. “Did you question that shit before you knew where you came from?”
Mathew forced himself to look at Ronan. They had the same eyes, the brothers Lynch, Lynch blue. Matthew had a mess of golden curls for hair, and although Ronan’s was kept short, if he let it grow it would have had the same texture. They loved fiercely, loyally, devotedly. There was the same magic in their veins, the magic of dreams come to life. “I wasn’t lying before,” he started. “Most times I am okay, even though it probably seems like I’m not. And I don’t know why I’m struggling with it. I know you love me, and nothing forces you to do anything,” he added, with a nudge of his head to Ronan’s to indicate the comment was meant to be lighthearted. “Declan does too.” That was never in question, even as Declan had told Matthew the truth about who Declan’s mother was.
He moved to lean against the trunk of the tree, but also somehow keep his head on Ronan’s shoulder. It looked uncomfortable, but Matthew always found a way to fit in affection. “And Mom, Mom loved us even though she was a dream, I know that. Why is it so different with Dad? I don’t think he treated me differently? When I look back, like you said, Ro, he cared about us, he could have shown it more sure and made better decisions, but,” Matthew trailed off, shrugging. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I am looking back now? And knowing things, like, I’m intentionally trying to see them more critically?”
Matthew had lived a charmed life, a golden, sun-kissed life full of smiles and people who rubbed his head and called him buddy. But he didn’t want to be oblivious to the world, forever sheltered, he wanted to work things out, he wanted to hear opinions and see what he thought about them. It was hard and hurt and left Matthew with more questions than answers sometimes, but he wanted to grow in himself.
It was unsettling, hearing Matthew talk about their childhood critically. Ronan couldn’t exactly blame him though, seeing as he’d been trying to do the same lately. He blew a breath through his nose and rubbed a hand roughly over his head.
“I never saw him treat you as anything but his son. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I apparently missed some shit with Declan too,” he shrugged, thinking of the fairy market and how much he felt like he didn’t know. “I just…” Having Niall here, talking to him, it hadn’t answered any great big questions for Ronan. Besides settling the long held worry - how would Dad react to knowing I’m gay? The answer to that one had been awkwardly but it hadn’t been so bad.
“I don’t think we’ll ever get all the answers. But...,” he gestured uselessly with his hands, “I can’t imagine anyone not loving you just for who you are.”
“We all missed things with Declan,” Matthew replied, and he couldn’t really ever be called wry, but that moment was as close as Matthew got. He was hit then with a wave of missing for their older brother. Declan who had always tried to protect their family, who read parenting books and who probably ran background checks on all of Matthew’s friends. Mom, Dad, Declan, Matthew loved the family here, he was grateful for everything he had, but he missed them. No matter how Matthew tried to look objectively at the past, nothing would change missing them, loving them.
He rolled his eyes, fondly, and bumped his shoulder against Ronan’s. “There are lots of people, I’m sure. People who hate candy, probably! And too many exclamation points.” But the sentiment remained, Matthew knew. He ran his hands over his face in a gesture similar to Ronan’s own and inhaled, as if some heavy weight had finally lifted from him and he could breathe.
“Every once in a while, Dad would wake me up early, like, just before sunrise early? And he’d have hot chocolate and we’d sneak outside and go looking for Tír Na nÓg. And maybe that’s something too? The land of eternal youth and magic, but maybe,” Matthew’s gaze went distant again, like he was seeing his little kid self running with Niall as the sun peeked its way up over the horizon. “Maybe it’s just a nice memory.”
“No maybe about it,” Ronan grunted. “It is a nice memory.” He didn’t want to talk about Declan or people who disliked anything about Matthew. One subject made him feel helpless and the other made him want to punch someone. When Declan had stopped being the someone he wanted to punch, he wasn’t entirely sure. But maybe if he showed back up and was an irritating stick in the mud, that would change.
Come on, Dee, Ronan thought. Make me eat my words..
“This is gonna sound dumb as shit, but…” He squinted one-eyed up into the tree. “Maybe we should just keep adding up all the memories that matter. We meet here every once in a while and tell each other a memory of how Dad was, good or bad. We add it to the pile until you know for sure how you feel.”
“That doesn’t sound dumb!” Matthew said, quickly. He felt something lock into place and settle, as if all of his thoughts and feelings were puzzle pieces fitting together in a way that made the resulting picture make no sense. But Ronan’s suggestion was the missing piece needed. Matthew wanted to talk about Niall. It was so simple, yes, he wanted to talk about their dad with Ronan. Not that Ronan had ever given Matthew the impression that he couldn’t talk, but it was Ronan suggesting that they carve out specific time somewhere that was special to both of them, to laugh, to celebrate, to grieve, to love Niall Lynch and all of his complexities, that helped Matthew realize he needed the excuse. “That’s exactly what I want to do.”
He turned to hug Ronan then, a bear hug strong, solid, and sure again. “Hey, I love you. Nothing’s ever going to change that. I want to listen to you too! On everything, good and bad, no matter what. Thanks for hearing me out. I know, I know, you don’t want me to thank you and you don’t need thanks, but I want to say it anyway.”
Ronan made an oof noise and then huffed out a laugh as he was wrapped up in a hug. Matthew was on a very short list of people who could get away with this shit. More than that, he was on a short list of people who got hugged back. He ruffled Matthew’s curls as he pulled away.
“I always want you to feel like you can talk to me. About anything. I’m not always gonna have the answer but I’m in your corner, Matty. No matter what.” He scowled but it was the brand of frown that said he just felt really fucking strongly about something and didn’t want there to be any mistake. “And it’s not because you’re a dream. You’re my family and I love you for a long list of stupid reasons that have jack shit to do with that.”
The thing about Ronan was that he didn’t say things he didn’t mean, Matthew knew that. Ronan was so clearly Ronan, so defined that he couldn’t be anyone else. Maybe a part of it was that Ronan’s honesty hurt sometimes, but Matthew asked for honesty. And the flip side was that when Ronan said something, he meant it with his whole being. So did Matthew. Every time he told someone he delivered Barn goods to that they looked amazing, or when he told the Gangsey they were family, or when he told Ronan he loved him, he meant it with everything that it was to be Matthew. Loving, sincere, snacks at the ready and yes, some dream magic too.
He smiled, just about immune to all forms of Ronan’s scowling at this point. “No matter what,” he repeated. “I know we have other things to do today, but you think we could maybe just sit here for a little bit longer? I have snacks!” Of course he had snacks, it had been a few minutes since that breakfast burrito. “And you could tell me more about Dad’s visit? Or we could just sit and just,” Matthew shrugged. “Be quiet with Dad’s tree.”
"Sure," Ronan nudged Matthew with a shoulder and slid down the tree to sit at its base. He still felt unsettled but he knew Matthew would be okay. He'd make damn sure of it.
"I'll tell you about how Niall Lynch reacted to alpacas."