Takashi "Shiro" Kogane (takashi) wrote in valloic, @ 2020-08-11 19:31:00 |
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He stood in front of the slot that had once held Black and stared up into it. The Lion had given him a chance to live again; he couldn’t really ask for anything more. He wasn’t Shiro’s anymore anyway. He was tied to the one person Shiro knew would take good care of him: Keith. A soft little smile lifted one corner of his mouth at the thought of Keith piloting the Black Lion and leading Voltron but his expression sobered quickly. Their lives were on hold here. Maybe permanently.
It raised the question: what could they do to feel fulfilled here? What should he do about the feelings that he couldn’t hide from anymore?
The ridiculousness of this maudlin thought process made him blow out a frustrated breath and he swiveled hard on his heel only to be surprised by the sight of Keith himself standing at the entrance to the hangar.
“Oh,” Shiro said, a smile forming before he even thought about it. “I hope you haven’t been there long. I can’t be sure I wasn’t talking to myself.”
The Ball was a lot. It was crowded and loud and full of people. But it was also fun and beautiful and full of people who were mostly friends and peaceful. So it was nice. Keith was having a good time, to his own surprise. But he needed to recharge, sometimes. He'd checked in with Allura before he slipped off for a few minutes to go check on Kosmo - who had already ignored him to pop through the Ballroom twice. But Keith wanted to make sure he wasn't hungry.
On the way back though, he stopped, changing his mind and heading for the hangar instead. He wasn't sure why, but Keith didn't question it.
It came clear as soon as he saw Shiro, standing quietly in front of where Black usually was, his handsome face drawn up into serious lines. Keith wasn't sure WHEN exactly he'd started thinking of Shiro as handsome, but he definitely was. He just stood for a little while, watching. He didn't like when Shiro was alone, or that he was looking at where Black should be like that. It made Keith feel ... he didn't know. Like it was wrong, somehow. He was proud that Black accepted him, and to lead the Paladins. But in his mind, it would always be Shiro's place. Maybe Shiro felt the same way, and missed the presence of Black in the back of his mind. Keith did too. He missed Red, still. Red had been easier to connect with, in a way. Red was more like what Keith had always been. Black was what he was supposed to work to improve into. And he tried. But still. It was Shiro's place.
He was about to speak up when Shiro spun around and Keith straightened, caught, and smiled ruefully. "You weren't. You looked like you were thinking really hard, though. Ball too much?" he asked. Keith hesitated, and then crossed to stand next to Shiro, shoulder knocking gently against his. "I miss them too."
Shiro laughed and bumped Keith right back. His gaze tracked back over to the hangar space. “The ball is great. Really. I’m glad Allura is getting a chance to show this place off.”
It wasn’t a lie, but there was a part of him that was a little overprotective of the Castle. A part that wanted it just to belong to them. Like it would somehow keep Keith and Allura safe from things he couldn’t predict. He had the grace to look sheepish about it, at least.
“I’m just not used to so many people being here. It made me a little…anxious, I guess. Nostalgic too, though,” he admitted. “If Hunk were here, he’d probably tell me to just eat something and grab another dance.”
Keith smiled, turning more to face him. "Yeah. Maybe this is more like what it was like when she was a kid?" It was a castle, after all. It had to have been more than just a flying fortress for Lions and their Paladins. It had to have been full of people, once.
Keith couldn't really quite get a read on Shiro's mood. But he was smiling, even if it was a little off-kilter from his brightest ones. "It's a lot of people," he admitted. "I just took a break to check on Kosmo. He already popped in on the ball twice." He rolled his eyes. "It's ... I don't know. Good people though, mostly? Even if we don't know them, it's not like back home where if we met new planets or people, they still needed us to do something or be something. We can just ... be us here? It makes it easier. Having so many around."
He reached to give Shiro's sleeve a playful tug. "I'm not Hunk. But eat and dance anyway?" he teased.
“I hadn’t thought of it like that. I bet you’re right,” Shiro murmured warmly. The thought that this party might remind Allura of when her people still populated this castle was a comforting one. More than that, it was a subtle nod to how optimistic and compassionate Keith was. It made him smile and watch Keith for a long moment. He could listen to him gently ramble all night, but someone was bound to notice they were missing eventually.
“I didn’t mean to sound like I was wallowing. I was just...drawn here. It used to be where I felt the most me. Inside Black. He might not be here, but this place still helps me center myself.” His face scrunched in amused self-consciousness. “That sounded less dorky in my head, for the record.” He laughed and turned to face Keith. His head tilted as he listened for sound from the distant ballroom. “Can you hear the music from here?”
That was better. Keith's smile warmed as Shiro relaxed. He always felt better too, if he made Shiro smile. "It's a castle. There were probably balls and stuff all the time," Keith said. "And all it's had is me chasing Lance through the halls for putting ice in my pillow the last couple of years." Admittedly, that had only happened once. But it had been memorable. Largely because the pair of them had managed to wake up pretty much everyone else in the process, save Coran.
Keith still claimed victory, since Lance had ended up with the wet pillow and Keith had gotten a new one.
"I get it. It's okay to take a break too. Wherever you want to." Keith felt a touch of that guilt again, it always lurked when it came to Black. But it wasn't really the time for it. It didn't matter who was really Black's Paladin anyway right now - he wasn't here. "It sounded normal dorky level to me." He gave Shiro a teasing smile and a shrug.
Keith stopped, head cocking a bit. "A little bit," he said after a few seconds. "Can you?" He'd always had sharp hearing and sight. Keith wasn't sure how much of that was because he wasn't all human and how much was just normal, anymore. He didn't worry too much about it. There were people here who could fly. Being half alien wasn't that big a deal.
Shiro huffed out a laugh. “I’d be more upset about normal dorky level if you hadn’t just reminded me of how ridiculous you two looked chasing each other around the Castle.”
He’d probably been frustrated at the time. He’d wanted the paladins to get along and work as a team, and every misstep in those early months had felt like a mountain to climb. But looking back now, he knew it was all just part of them finding common ground to build a friendship on.
Keith tilting his head to listen made Shiro smile. He knew all too well that Keith had sharper senses then he did, but he could still hear the faint music too. It would’ve been easier if his heart hadn’t decided to start beating really loudly as he made his decision. He held out a hand anyway.
“Would you...If it’s not too dorky, would you dance with me here? I’m not quite ready to go back.”
Keith just grinned. He and Lance had worked it out eventually. They were friends, now, and teammates. But they would always just have a little push and pull. It came from being opposite personalities, probably. Under pressure, Lance got louder and more outgoing, Keith always thought, where he retreated into himself more. So in the beginning, Lance had grated on him.
Violet eyes dropped to Shiro's outstretched hand and then lifted again to meet Shiro's again. Keith had ... kind of wanted to ask. But he'd doubted if he could, or should. Or been unsure HOW. He'd almost asked Atreus what he thought, but then he'd just tried to help Atreus out a little while they danced, so he had an easier time with Caroline. He didn't know if it would work, but Atreus hadn't seemed too worried anyway.
Shiro was just taking it out of Keith's hands though. Making it easier on him. Like Shiro usually did. Keith slid his hand into Shiro's, smiling at him. "Yeah, okay. I'd like that." He swallowed, nervous and not sure if he should be. "Can you hear?" he asked, voice dropping so it wouldn't cover the faint music as Keith stepped in closer, hand sort of fluttering before settling at Shiro's waist.
“I can hear but…” Keith had never refused him anything, even his more silly requests, but Shiro still hadn’t expected it to be this easy. It made his pulse stumble and a too warm smile chased across his mouth. “It might be best if you lead. Just this once,” he added in a low tease.
The choice of whether to wind his arms around Keith’s neck or mirror the one hand on his waist approach froze him up for a brief second, but he went with a more traditional waltzing stance. It didn’t feel any less intimate, anyway. Even with the height difference, there was no escaping Keith’s captivating eyes.
“I was supposed to go to a military ball once. But there was an emergency and I ended up in a jet instead.” His eyes glanced down towards his feet. “I kind of wish I’d had the practice now.”
Keith laughed, cheeks feeling kind of hot. He didn't know if it showed or not, but it probably did. It was silly - he'd sparred with Shiro a million times, rode with him on the bike, shared a space with him, so it wasn't like they'd never been close. But dancing was different. It felt different, at least. "Okay," he said. "You'll pick it up though. Just don't think about it too much. It's like when you fight. If you overthink, it's actually harder."
He huffed a laugh. "This is practice, it's just me. You don't have to be good at it to dance with me," Keith said, starting to lead them both slowly, listening for the distant music and trying to guide Shiro gently. He started humming along in time with the music to make it easier to hear, quiet and smiling.
It felt nice. Keith hadn't been a social butterfly or anything, but he'd danced a few times - with Allura, with friends, with a few people who asked. Enough that he realized beneath his natural reserve and social nerves, he did kind of like it, with people he liked. And he liked Shiro best of anyone, so this felt nice. Warm and close and sort of ... cocooned with just them in the hangar, even if it was just a massive empty space. It was sort of THEIR massive empty space, right now.
Keith’s laughter zipped along Shiro’s skin. He blamed the nearness for the goosebumps it left behind, but it wasn’t like it was the first time. And he wasn’t complaining anyway. Shiro grinned and followed along with each swaying step easily. Not thinking about it did help, of course. Muscle memory had saved him more than once.
That and the people he loved.
“Maybe I want to be good at it for you.” Well that wasn’t what he meant to say at all. Shiro tried again. “I mean, look. You’re always so graceful. You’re a natural.” He wanted to touch Keith’s flushed face. He tightened his grip, inched closer, and stole the lead to spin them off in a new direction, instead. “I need to make sure I can still challenge you…Don’t want you dozing off in the middle of this wonderful party, now do I?”
Shiro was better at it than he'd said he was. But Shiro was good at pretty much anything he tried, so Keith wasn't surprised. It was just kind of who Shiro was.
And that simple statement made Keith feel warm all over. "You're already good at it," he answered quietly, humming dropping away. "You're good at everything you do."
And then he was being spun, and Keith gave a startled laugh, holding on tighter to Shiro ... who was closer to him? Was he? Yes, he was definitely closer. Keith felt like his heart was beating too loud, like maybe Shiro could hear it, dumb as that was. "You'll always keep me on my toes. I'm wide awake," he said. He was still holding on to Shiro like that, too close and tight, really. But Keith just ... didn't let go.
“I am not good at everything I do,” Shiro laughed. His ego wanted to be flattered but his heart knew the last thing he wanted was Keith putting him on some kind of pedestal. He spun them slowly across the hangar, still pressed in close but unable to do anything about it. “But you...you do make me want to be my best.”
His movement slowed, dragging the dance out into more of a slow two-step circle. It was quiet enough now that he could hear the music a little better and the clamor of people talking and laughing. He spread his hand out from Keith’s hip to the base of his spine, bracing his palm there.
“Why didn’t you bring a date, Keith?”
"Yeah you are," Keith argued, grinning. He felt kind of like he could stop smiling, actually, and like he must look a fool for doing it. But he didn't care. "Even if you're not great at it the first time you try, you always work hard and make yourself be good at it. And you're usually pretty good when you first try, anyway. You don't have to ... try to be anything for me. You just are. You're good, as you are."
It sounded awkward, but Keith hoped Shiro knew what he meant ... even if Keith wasn't sure he knew what he meant himself.
He slowed down alongside Shiro, and his breath sort of ... caught when Shiro's hand moved. Like it hung up in his throat and came out in a rush that sounded too loud to his ears and made him blush more.
He didn't know how to answer that. Because no one asked? Because he hadn't asked anyone? Because he didn't want one? Because he didn't know HOW to ask? Because he didn't know who to ask? They were all kind of true, but also kind of not. Or not entirely. He'd never really done that. Dated. He hadn't had much interest, even when it seemed to be all other people his age talked about, back on Earth. It just seemed boring to him. Now maybe not, but only with a few people. One person, mostly. And they already spent time together, so was it really any different? Should he want it to be?
Keith never knew the answer to any of those questions, either, and that was another part of the answer to why he didn't have a date, too.
It took him a long minute to answer and finally he just told the truth, as simply as he could. "I'd rather be with you." It felt too stark, once he'd said it though, and Keith looked down, watching their feet even though he'd just told Shiro not to do that. "Why didn't you?" he asked. Atreus had just ASKED for dates. Shiro could have asked him, Keith knew. And there were a lot of good looking guys around who seemed interested.
Shiro couldn’t be completely reading into all of this. Yes, his experience was embarrassingly limited. And yes, his feelings for Keith had eroded his balance. But he still wasn’t dense. He opened his mouth to say something, but Keith lapsed into a silence that felt like a spell had been cast.
He stayed silent instead, staring down at Keith with soft eyes and his heartbeat in his ears. His broad hand curled into the fabric of Keith’s suit before he finally managed a response.
“I...I’d rather be with you too,” Shiro admitted. It sounded like it was a relief to say it, because it was. “I’m happiest when I’m with you. I just…” They were barely spinning now. He smiled. “I guess I just want you to get everything you want. You deserve to get everything you want.”
Keith's breath did that hitch again, where it was like he forgot how to breathe properly. "Me too," he said, too quick after that, since he sounded breathless. Keith swallowed before he continued. "I have friends, here and at home. People I like being around. But I'm always happier with you. Happiest with you, too."
They were more swaying than turning and Keith's fingers curled into Shiro's jacket too, mimicking the way Shiro's had gripped his. "Back home, I just wanted us to win. Be safe. For everything to end up okay and to not let anyone down. Here ... it's different. I want that for you too. You deserve it. You always deserved it. Everything you want."
Listening to Keith talk was never a difficult task as far as Shiro was concerned, but it was especially easy now. The party - the world - felt very far away. It made him feel braver. Not quite the courage he felt when he was flying a giant spaceship but close. He pressed his forehead to Keith’s and lifted a hand to touch his jaw, but froze a bare centimeter away.
“I don’t know if I’m allowed to want what I want. I don’t…” He closed his eyes. “I don’t want you to feel like you’d be letting me down if you don’t...feel all of this in the same way that I do. You’re my best friend and nothing will ever change that.”
Oh. Shiro's forehead against his made him too close. It was dizzying, and Keith shut his eyes, leaning into him. "You're always allowed. You deserve to ... You should have everything." Keith wanted to say the right thing, and he wasn't sure if he was going to. "I don't know what I feel," he said. "Because I've never felt it before. I - you're my best friend, and the person I want to ... not impress, but just ... live up to what you think I am, the most. You've always been the most important. But it's ... more than that. Too." Keith made a little helpless sound. "You have really nice shoulders? Atreus said so and I think about that a lot. Lately." He still didn't open his eyes because Keith wasn't sure he wanted to see Shiro's reaction to his awkward stuttering through. "You're allowed," he said finally, cheeks hot.
“Keith...” Shiro caved and caressed his fingertips up the sharp line of Keith’s jaw. He’d wanted to do that for a while. A giddy sort of relief rumbled through his chest, threatening to burst free in some uncontrollable way. He tried to channel it into the feeling of his fingers slipping behind Keith’s ear, threading into his hair. It still bubbled up out of him in a breathless laugh.
“I have nice shoulders?” His teasing tone was more heated than he’d ever dared. His smirk too. “I’m glad you think so. I like yours too.” He brushed his nose against Keith’s and lowered his voice. “I think about your eyes too much. And the way you say my name. It’s…” He exhaled in a rush. “Listen, if you’re not sure? You don’t have to be sure right this second, okay? I can wait.”
Keith's eyes finally opened again when Shiro touched his face, just below his scar, and then slipped into his hair. He had a weird, stray moment where he wished his hair didn't have stuff in it for the Ball, to keep it from going everywhere. But most of his focus was caught up in the fingers in his hair, and the way Shiro said his name.
Keith had pretty much the least remarkable name in any universe. He should know, since he'd met people from dozens of them now. Keith was not lyrical sounding in any accent. But when Shiro said it like that, Keith got goosebumps on his arms anyway and felt about ten degrees too hot in his suit.
He just blushed harder when Shiro teased him. "Shut up," he grumbled, but there wasn't any heat to it, and Keith was just kind of caught up looking at Shiro. He didn't think he'd ever seen Shiro look at him like that before. It was a lot to process. "They're ... wide?" Keith said helplessly. And then Shiro's nose brushed against his and Keith heard himself make an honest-to-god squeak of sound. "I don't ... I've just never done any of this. Before. I wasn't interested. I'm still not. Except you. I am with you. I just don't know how to be. Or how to be the right way?" Shiro had boyfriends before. He was handsome and good with people and everybody liked him. Keith didn't want this to be so much worse than anything he'd had before.
Still, with Shiro that close, Keith's arm crept up, hesitating before tentatively sliding fingers along Shiro's jaw, the same way he'd just done to Keith.
Shiro snorted at Keith’s grumble but the amusement faded quickly into sincerity. They were as close as they could physically get under the circumstances and yet he still wished he could curl into Keith just a little bit more. He settled for stroking a hand up Keith’s back and resting it between his shoulder blades.
“The right way?” He frowned. “There’s nothing wrong with the way you’re interested. I...my long term experience is almost exclusively Adam and you saw how well that played out so it’s possible I don’t actually know the right way, but I’m still sticking to that.” His smile was a little somber, with the subject matter, but it warmed as Keith touched him.
“Just…” He ducked his head, telegraphing his intent as clearly as possible with a direct stare and a brush of his thumb under Keith’s mouth. “...Tell me if I’ve got this wrong?” he whispered. There was only a breath still between their lips but he hesitated just long enough for Keith to decide how this would go.
Keith's skin prickled everywhere Shiro touched. Even through the layers of formal clothes he was hyper aware of it. They'd touched each other so many times, why was this so different? Keith didn't know, but it was. It felt different, every bit of it.
"You wanted to fly," Keith said. "It was worth everything to you." Even his life, and Keith had been angry at Shiro for not TELLING him, and he'd been hurt, and he'd hated the idea of losing Shiro. But he'd gotten how Shiro could want it that badly. It had made sense to him. "I meant ... the right way to let you know what I want? How I feel?" All the harder when Keith wasn't sure how to articulate it exactly either.
The thumb brushing under his lips made Keith lick them instinctively, not realizing he'd done it until the tip of his tongue brushed the pad of Shiro's thumb. Keith had no idea what he was doing. He shook his head though, movement minute enough to not dislodge Shiro's touch on him at all. Shiro was waiting, but what he was waiting for was obvious. Or Keith thought it was. Hoped it was, because if not he was about to make a really big idiot of himself. He pushed up that last breath of space between them, mouth pushing up against Shiro's - not so much a kiss as just ... touching, leaving it to Shiro to show him how to actually kiss him right, since Keith's experience was relegated to (largely unasked for) pecks.
Shiro’s hesitation evaporated. He’d just needed that last bit of confirmation, that proof that Keith was meeting him halfway and this wasn’t some horrible one-sided wishful thinking. His hand dug a little tighter into Keith’s hair and he tilted his head to deepen into the kiss. The words the right way to let you know what I want rolled around in his mind, setting fire to every thought they touched.
He broke away but only just barely. His words gusted air across Keith’s mouth. “This is going to sound hypocritical coming from the guy who gives too many speeches but sometimes...words are overrated.” A smile broke over his face and he dragged his teeth across his bottom lip before dipping back in to claim another kiss. Unfortunately, he was entirely too wrapped up in Keith to hear the tell-tale sound of a giggling group of women approaching the open hangar door.
Keith blinked at him, and the laugh Shiro's words drew out died away against Shiro's mouth. Keith's arm crept up without him consciously telling it to, curling around the other man's neck.
Keith had never really understood the appeal of kissing. It had always looked awkward and invasively close and he'd never had any real urge to do it. It was only the last few months here that he'd really started to rethink that, and wonder if maybe he was wrong. And at first, he kind of felt like he was right, because he just kept thinking about where his nose should go, and if it was too hard, and what he was supposed to do, or not do, and trying to remember what he'd last eaten and if it was going to make his breath sour.
But that second kiss, and the way Shiro made him laugh, that one started to feel different. Keith just sort of ... settled into it, let Shiro lead and stopped worrying about what he was doing so he could just ... let it happen. The awkward was still there, a little, but it still shifted from something Keith didn't understand to something he was pretty sure he wasn't good at ... but still wanted to do a lot more.
He didn't hear the giggles either, since all he could hear was his own heartbeat, and it was way too loud in his ears. But the startled "Oh!" one of the women gave did get through. Keith broke the kiss but didn't pull away, just turned to look at the women in the doorway, who were staring not at the pair of them, but at the massive hanger in surprise. Halfway down it the way they were, Keith and Shiro probably barely stood out. Keith looked back at Shiro and smiled slowly, squeezing the arm around his neck gently tighter before letting go. "Do you want to go try a dance in the ballroom?" he asked quietly.
Shiro would probably have lingered too long if it weren’t for the interruption. He’d forgotten this feeling - that mishmash of hope and uncertainty and affection - that made a first kiss feel like firing off into space.
Or maybe it had never felt quite like this.
“I... “ His face was ten shades of red as he stood up painfully straight and gave Keith some room. He avoided looking at the women. But he did spare Keith a long look and the ghost of a smile.
“A dance sounds great.”