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PSA for Valarnet that's totally unrelated to zombie things and will likely make you go 'oooooooo':

Ping Pong Balls are Flammable as Fuck.

Impromptu 4th of July bonfire? I think yes!

Who.

Stole.

My.

TARDIS.

Mug?

I will find you and I will take every square inch of its gorgeous blue panels out of your pasty techie hide, my dear, oh yes. It was on my desk twenty minutes ago and now it's gone. AND it was filled with coffee!

I won't bow down to ransom demands, nor will I sleep until it's home with me where it belongs.

I'm sorry, I have to complain a little. What kind of special moron goes out with a coroner, and then declares the date "ruined" when I talk about a particularly interesting autopsy in the vaguest terms possible? I didn't use any medical terminology, I didn't even say the word "blood", for Christ's sake.

I'm starting to think the only people I should date are other doctors, morticians and cops. Especially cops. I mean, if the sex gets boring, we can always go to a motel and give each other attitude.

You know you've got to start looking at calendars and remembering what day it is more often when you realize you missed your own birthday by a week. Yikes.

And when I say you, I guess I really mean me.

You all keep talking about talking dogs and singing animals, and I keep picturing ( this... )

( I want to go to there. )

All work and no play makes Penelope a something something. Anyone want to go out for drinks tonight? Figured a lot of people on here could use a night to relax and recharge, so let's all go out and have a couple of drinks and do some dancing and pretend that our lives aren't busy and awful.

I'm happy to announce that my new show surpassed the expected ratings...it's about God, not ratings, but it's still a good thing. Much of the credit goes to the wonderful Caprica Black, for presenting such a wonderful opportunity.

( trigger warning for homophobia, prejudice )

You know. Sometimes life just needs a little pick-me-up.
That's what coffee is for.

But for those of us forced to drink decaf, there's always this:
( Cut for Image )

And I guess that's just enough, sometimes.

You apparently can sell anything on the internet. Men, behold: you can buy "vagina essence" online. No, really. It's basically bottled vagina essence and you're supposed to just ... huff it, I guess.

WHAT HATH THE INTERWEBS BROUGHT US? WHAT HAS SCIENCE DOOOOOOONE?

Oh, cool, I woke up and the portable handheld from my dreams was here. It's kind of like having a Game Gear with like, three games. I'll beat them, and it'll be useless.

Yay.

So, I think I get bonus points for doing this exercise routine with a really fat cat. Isabela's furry boyfriend weighs a ton.

( Not filtered, just cut for image. )

Well, it's that time of year again folks.

( Cut for Size. )

Today I got to watch a grown man go through the five stages of grief after something got in his eye.

I have never laughed so hard in my life.

I considered quitting school but I graduate so soon I guess I might as well stick it out.

No idea what to do after though. No way I can stand more school. Anybody know any jobs for a computer nerd?

You guys, it's already the last day of April. What the heck.

( But you know what that means! )

I have wonderful friends. I truly don't know where I would be without them. And my nieces! Thank you for such a wonderful surprise.

Okay, so right now, this is the most amazing thing ever.

Totally not a rickroll, I promise.

You know what's also amazing? Coconut flavored rum. It is the most amazing thing ever.

After business cat. Who is all about business, as you might surmise from the name.

Was at grocery store. Doing what normal people do at grocery stores--staring blankly at 300 kinds of cheese. Obviously. And then a teenaged girl comes up to me -- and I want to hope she recognized me from my Vlog but there's really no saying one way or the other -- and asks me if she can lick me.

LICK ME. WHAT EVEN. WHY. IS THAT A THING? A THING PEOPLE DO NOW?

I did what every respectable man might do in that situation, of course.

Grocery store security did have to stop me and remind me to pay on my way out, though. Sigh.

And you know what? I forgot the dang cheese.

Locked from Oliver and Verity
Anybody needs me, I'm at Jefferson's now.

[mobile number]

END OF LOCK

Yay, I started smoking again. Stress is the worst.

So, how do you tell a workplace creeper that you're still not interested in them? Things I've tried:

1) Oh, no thanks, I like our work relationship the way it is!
2) I don't think we're allowed to have interoffice relationships.
3) I just don't like you that way, I'm sorry.
4) OH GOD MY LEG IS ON FIRE
5) *running away screaming*

Yes. I literally tried to just run from him after eeping and throwing a flash drive at him.

Wow, thanks to these two websites, my social life is sorted forever.

Thanks, internet!

And this is why Reptillia are the most fascinating class of Animalia on the planet. No doubt there are skeptics out there likely to view this video as one man's complete insanity - and you would be insane to try this with just any old crocodile - but I am sure there were skeptics too when men first attempted to tame the Canidae.

Is there a point to this, you ask? Why, yes. Yes there is.

Just because it's not covered in fluffy wrinkly fur like this little fellow does not mean these creatures deserve any less respect or affection. Around this time of year the zoo begins to receive "donations" of reptiles people can no longer care for. Whether they've underestimated their own abilities to provide safe and healthy environments for dart frogs, iguanas, and chameleons or worse yet, find they are no longer interested in keeping a pet who has grown from this adorable little hatchling into an eighteen inch terror that snaps and bites.

A turtle is NOT a good pet for a child!

I get more of these little fellows on my doorstep every day. And while charming to watch when only centimeters long sucking up blood worms like spaghetti or stumbling over floating docks to hunt crickets three times their size, they do grow. Significantly. Like puppies grow into dogs, or kittens into cats and people should be

So please. Respect the reptiles. And be more aware of the commitments you make when selecting a pet. Not that I recommend crocodiles as pets but you have to admit the guy's got a friend for life there.


Also, Julian, if there's more wine in the house you should tell me where it's at. Cause I just killed the bottle.

Grumpy Cat might just be my favorite thing about the Internet right now.

( cut, not filtered )

Seriously, I think I've been sitting here for at least an hour liking everything on that stupid Facebook page. It's like we're soulmates. (Sorry, Peeta.)

I just found Pinterest. (Where was I six months ago when it was big??)

( [Not filtered, just cut for image.] )

The highlight of my day. Art, truly, has been created on Mars.

In other news, my show this weekend is half price. Come one, come all! New tricks to show you thanks to my dreams.

I just bought a set of these. For myself. Because I'm awesome. I think they'll be best frozen.

The Chairman appears to approve of the house. He especially likes my bed and instead of sleeping curled up at the end, he sleeps stretched out on his back with his front paws over his head. Honestly, he's the strangest cat I've ever seen. He also appears to enjoy the window in the bedroom, because it looks out onto the beach and he can people watch all day.

So, my sexual history is a lot like the Ark of the Covenant - epic and private. But even as a fabulously liberated woman, I still don't know if I'd be able to shag a guy with a Trogdor the Burninator tramp stamp. I really don't think I could.

Oh, and what is in the water here that makes dreams weird? I'd never ever work for the FBI. Too stressful. Too gory. Too sad. Not good.

Whenever life gets really really terrible, I slow down, take a breath, and I remind myself: I do not manage Amanda Bynes.

What happened, adorable little star of She's The Man?

Dream me is crazy. Good crazy, I guess. But he needs some pointers. Real me is not the person who would be able to give them to him, though. That girl at the laundry mat was seriously cute though. I can't blame me for that one.

Woke up to find things from my dreams here. Does that happen to other people? Because -- uh. Awesome.

( Basically how I feel about it. )

The guild I head up, My Little Pwnies, is having a recruitment push because we need more raiders. So bring me your tired, your weak, your rogues, your nerfed shammys!

Or just say hi, I'm bored.

Because I know you all care so much (SARCASM!), I'm giving you a STATE OF THE BABY UPDATE.

1) The baby is now the size of a sweet potato! This is awesome because it means I can feel her kick. But it's's kind of bad because now I imagine my baby as a delicious warm confection topped with marshmallows.

2) Pete kinda sucks at wall painting. His hair is now an awesome shade of blue-green in some places.

3) Barfing is done, but now I've got heartburn out the ying yang. ET TU, CURRY?

4) I might have built an elaborate trebuchet based delivery system for diapers out of two-by-fours. I'm also not sorry.

We, my friends, are truly living in a golden age of handy devices. When I was a kid, if you couldn't cook eggs, you were just screwed and had to go to Denny's or IHOP for delicious eggy goodness. BUT NO LONGER. No more do you have to bow down to your chickeny overlords. Now, you can get a device to cook the eggs for you.

And, as an added bonus, they end up looking like egg boners. Because that's kinda awesome.

Note to self: When trimming branches in trees, always check for bees hives first. I just spent the last two hours at the ER. Damn good thing I'm not allergic.

Some dude in a kilt came to the garage today. I told him how awesome his kilt was, but he seemed really embarrassed and upset about it. Weird, right? Then I come on here and apparently people are losing their clothes left and right.

Is this another one of those times when I should go hide my head under a pillow for a few days? Like rhymes-with-carburator?

( [Private to Billy (Horrible)] )

Woke up to about a billion text messages from various people reminding me to have a Happy Easter.

Not being one for boiled, oddly colored eggs, baskets of candy, ham dinner or religion, I can't help but feel a bit like everyone needs to just stop reminding me it's Sunday.

So, if I'm forced into public today, this is the shirt I will wear to greet the day with.

( It's kinda offensive. Just saying. )

I don't know what to do. How can you love one man in so many bodies and forgive them all for just... being who they are?

It's going to break my human heart.

Thursday night. Nearly midnight, so I guess actually Friday now. Bored out of my freakin' mind. How's that even possible? Has the internet run out? Is Tumblr down?

Quick, someone: entertain me!

I need a significant other. This is ridiculous.

First night in wine country. It's beautiful, really. This house is magnificent. Taking some time to update here quickly while Rufus is out playing with Charlie/walking him.

PS. I dropped the L-bomb. It was incredibly well-recieved. I could absolutely get used to this fairy tale life. :)

So, it's really weird to wake up after such a vivid dream... I felt like I was already awake that whole time.

It turns out, that in my dreams... I'm basically just me. With a cooler coat, and an insatiable need to take over the world. But that's just repetition now, isn't it?

Hm.

Oh. Also. ( Have a picture because it's a day. )

I have an apprenticeship at a motorcycle repair shop. I don't think that's what my mother intended when she told me to make friends, but it's what I want anyway. I do not know how to ride motorcycles, but I think I'll learn.

My boss is kind of abrasive, but I think with time I can teach him.

Uhhhgggggghhhhh.

I-- I want my hour back.

I wanna go see a movie today. Who wants to go with me??

I was doing my homework and suddenly there was a kitten on my laptop.

I'm pretty sure we don't have a kitten, but I could be wrong. In fact, given the evidence purring in my lap right now, I'm 100% certain I was wrong and we do, in fact, have a kitten.

Which leads to a very important question:

Why do we have a kitten?

I know some people on here are going through some hard times. I just closed a case that was exhausting to get through. So yeah, sometimes life is bleak and shitty and terrifying.

So here's some dogs sneezing. It helps, promise.

Even though I've lived in California a few years now, sometimes I still get such a culture shock. It's weird coming from a small town to California. If you've always been here, you'll never notice it. But if you're from a small place in the middle of the mountains like me, it's like night and day.

Especially Venice Beach. I mean, sure, you won't find a beach in the town I'm from. We're nearly 7 hours from the ocean. But you definitely will never find the types of people walking around there in Revelstoke. You'd probably be laughed at in the street, publicly mocked. It's a very small town -- not a lot of money there. People don't get too imaginative with what they're wearing or doing when they're working in lumber. The nicest you'll see most people wearing out are non-ripped jeans and sweaters.

In any case, I guess I'm not surprised I still get shocked by the people and places around here. But really, three years and I still get freaked out seeing a dude in a thong?

...Okay, well maybe I'll never get used to that.

( There's been enough weird, lately. How about some cute? )

( Open to all, but special interest to Pepper Potts. )