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I don't mind fireworks. They are fun to watch. I do mind that our neighbors have been shooting them since it got dark and seem to have a steady supply to keep going. Our poor dog has hidden herself under the bed and won't even come out for treats. Please, we get it. It's the fourth. Can you give it a break? We can't be the only ones with freaked out pets in our complex.

Blazing bollocks of fire it is hot outside.

But never fear. We've a cool, air-conditioned tavern here at The Hanged Man. Our latest special involves seeing whose the lucky bastard who can locate all of the phallic symbols carved around the establishment - one can guess who is the artist behind that - and come to me with the accurate number and show me all the locations. This lucky winner will get a complimentary keg of our home-brewed Rat's Dropping (it's a beer, tastes better than it sounds, I promise) and a free week of all-you-can-drink-and-eat.

And a chance to grab my bum, so don't miss out on this.

(Yes, I'm a serious business owner.)

THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT I'VE EVER SEEN!

Omg. I need ten!