Enjolras isn't a statue, really (solo_patria) wrote in valarnet, @ 2013-04-17 14:50:00 |
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Current mood: | contemplative |
Well, I'm Back, He Said ((Title would be blocked from non punctured Tolkiens))
It does take severe shock to wake you up from some things, doesn't it? I've spent the last couple of days in 1832 land again, and I can't say that I minded it. I find that I think clearer when I'm in that mindset, that I write better, that I am closer to who I am supposed to be. I get that it is hardly good for me to be in the mindset of my last life all the time and badly affects some processes, but in others, it is weirdly...comforting, I guess is the right way to put it. I have such a hard time feeling safe or secure as I am right now. I think that knowing who I was and what I could do then have been a big help in making me feel that way when right now, today, I have no clue what I'm doing.
The dream of last night was...it was bad. It was very bad. I still stand by the fact that it is real and that I was a part of it, but hearing a friend's death under some very bad circumstances will still...wound you...I suppose, is the right way to put it. It was an answer to the question that I was asking when I woke up in 1832 mode and I can't say that I like the answer I was given, even if it dragged me back here to the land of the almost two hundred years later.
I'm starting to understand that the prospects for my friends and I, in our dreams, either to fulfill our goal of a French republic,or to live through that goal are very slim now, and I am sad to think that I will lose such friends as they are next, that I have lost some of the friends I have. It's a deep grief, made worse by the fact that it is still uncertain, and I think just now, that I would rather know it, one way or the other to at least have answers.
If we do die tonight in my dreams, or later on, I do know that we do it for a better purpose and a greater cause, and know that they all understand it too. I will not say that I feel as though I've lead them, or the friends that I have lost to their own deaths. They've gone there freely, were glad to do so, and would regardless of if I were there or not, but the prospect that they very well may die in our fight still hurts because the thought of losing them all at once is a lot to bear. Even when it is for a righteous cause and we serve the republic more with our deaths than lives, there is a sharp pain in it and in anticipating those things I do not know for sure, but can believe are coming now.
Of course, I may well wake and have seen victory for us, but either way, I suspect heavy losses. Heavier than what we have already borne. If that is so, I will regret it, but I'll know it happened for a greater purpose, and I cannot grieve the events that lead us there, or my part in them. It is losing the others that I grieve over but if it has to happen, then it has to happen, and I'd like to face the possibility as bravely in this world as I did in that. It is possible, right?
In other news, I missed the internship I had applied for, largely due to distance and relocation issues, according to the letter, but I suspect to better candidates if we're going to be honest about it. There were a lot of us. I can't feel bad. I'm disappointed but it was sort of a snowball's chance anyway, and besides that, a sister organization will be opening up on this coast in the next few months, and they'll be taking hires. My info has been passed along, and I've sent out a resume, and several of my pieces to be looked over, and considered. It's not the DC branch, by any means, but it is still a chance to tell the truth and to let others see it, and to help in my own way. We'll see if that goes through or not, but here's to hoping for it anyway.
Hope seems so strange as a concept just right now, doesn't it?