Kyle (brainoverbrawn) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2019-10-12 19:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, alex manes, kyle valenti |
Who: Kyle Valenti & Alex Manes
What: Alex has another nightmare but this time it takes a much bigger toll
When: Early hours of 12th Oct
Where: Their shared home
Rating/Warnings: R | Alex loses his leg
Status: Log | Complete
Alex hadn't been sleeping well for weeks. He'd struggled a lot with staying asleep and the sane dream that happened over and over again which was signficantly more of a memory than a dream in the same way that all these 'Dreams' were. It felt so real, and Alex was consistently trapped reliving an explosion in the desert, being trapped underneath a burning husk of twisted metal before passing out, surrounded by his own blood. He hadn't had many dreams past that until the last three nights; he woke up three weeks later in a hospital in Germany, head bandaged and shaved and missing the lower part of his right leg.
For the last three mornings, Alex had woken in a cold sweat and bolted upright, grasping down his right leg to his knee and below, checking that his leg was still there and every morning that had been the case.
This morning, however, when Alex bolted awake having dreamed about being in rehab, he was greeted first with an excrutiating pain along his lower back and hips and then, after breathing through that, he sat up and felt a cold dread ripple through him.
Where his right leg should have been there was a dip in the covers, his left leg and toes were there, making a small tent in the sheets but there was only one. Only one foot. Alex felt the walls closing in on him, the way the world was getting smaller as he pulled the sheets back, vision whiting out around the edges and chest clamped in a vice.
Biscuit responded to his cry of anguish by howling and bolting out of the guest house and up to the main one, barking up a desperate storm.
Kyle was far more intuitive than people gave him credit for which meant he got feelings about things, the people he cared about especially, and Alex? Well, he just so happened to fall into that particular bracket. He knew that the dreams were heavy, more so for Alex, given that he'd already lived through one war but was now having to experience another all over again every night without fail. Alex claimed different, but Kyle knew a lie when he saw one. Of course getting Alex to admit to anything was like getting blood out of a stone.
No, scratch that, it would probably be easier getting blood out of a stone than getting Alex to talk.
He'd tried to talk to Alex about the dreams last night but had been shut down again so he'd expected the morning to be like any other morning which involved coffee, pastries, and awkward conversation that didn't at all touch on the disagreement from the night before and yet he was rudely awoken from sleep by Biscuit's desperate barking. That was unlike her, she was normally a quiet dog, and that was more than enough to rouse Kyle from sleep. He frowned at the clock to his right before sitting up, hand rubbing through his hair before he tossed back the covers and clad literally in just a pair of jogging pants he headed downstairs to where Biscuit was pacing back and forth restlessly.
"Biscuit?" He asked, leaning down to rub her ears. "What is it?"
A further bark and then she was bolting away from him in the direction of the guest house and Kyle followed her without thinking especially as if she was this worried then there must be a good reason. Kyle didn't bother with knocking and instead opened the door, eyes widening as he took in the sight of Alex, missing a part of his right leg, and he was understandably wide eyed and panicked.
Shit, shit, shit.
Alex had flung the covers off his legs, not even noticing that Biscuit had left him. The world was roaring in his ears, deafeningly loud and screeching wildly, the sound of bones crunching and vehicles overturning, the sound of helicopter blades whipping up desert sands, the shouts and cries of colleagues, squad mates and civilians. He gripped at his thigh, like that would stop the burning sensation in a foot that was no longer there, agonising and blisteringly painful. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't draw in a breath- his lungs had collapsed in on him, body reacting in shock and horror and shuddering, blinding pain.
Above all of that, Alex was trying to process the fact that he'd woken up missing a leg? Of all the things that could have come through from the dream, a missing leg? The one that he- the one that he could have lost a year ago? The one that the doctors said he was lucky to still have?
He didn't see Kyle, not even when the door slammed open, not even when Biscuit barked and then whimpered, tail thumping against the door frame.
No, Alex didn't see any of that. He closed his eyes and breathed in, forced air into his lungs. Forced himself to compartmentalise all of this and work through it slowly, logically, piece by piece. To section off the pain, the same way he had done his entire life.
Fuck.
Kyle immediately slipped into a mode he knew very well and that was Doctor!mode, the same mode that had him assessing the scene in front of him for any damage or obvious trauma that needed dealing with. There wasn't any. It was as though Alex's missing leg had come through after amputation and through the healing process as there was not one drop of blood anywhere to be seen. Of course that didn't mean there wasn't trauma, unseen trauma, happening and Kyle approached Alex slowly and cautiously.
"Alex?" He asked softly, reaching out to gently grasp his shoulders and let that touch sink through as the last thing he wanted to do was make this entire thing worse by pushing too much of his presence on Alex who was understandably freaked out, horrified, and probably reliving a ton of his own shit as well as all the shit the dreams had to offer.
"Hey, can you hear me?"
Alex didn't reply the first time Kyle spoke to him. He barely registered the touch, but when he did, Kyle's repeated question sinking through the fog of imagined noise in his mind, Alex twitched and jerked away from the touch, his body already oversensitive from the input that's rocking his nerves.
He realises a second later, though, and reaches out to catch Kyle's hand with his own before he can pull away, muttering a quiet apology.
He took a breath, words tight and difficult to push out of his chest, "You- you can see it too, right? Kyle, tell me you can fucking see this too."
Kyle knew and recognised the fog that had come over Alex. He'd seen it on more than one occasion working in the local VA clinic and he didn't take offence to the fact Alex had jerked away from him, he was too caught up in whatever memory he was reliving to realise that it was Kyle.
"Don't worry about it," Kyle assured Alex as he squeezed Alex's hand and nodded slow. "And yes, I see it, Alex."
He really wished that he couldn't and this was just some sort of bad nightmare but he knew both he and Alex were very conscious. Kyle shifted to catch Alex's face in his hand and sought eye contact. "Hey, hey, look at me, Alex."
Alex couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight in front of him: the missing leg, the pain that was shooting through him so sharply he could barely breathe. Even turning his face away didn’t drag his gaze from his leg, at first.
After a few agonisingly long seconds, Alex blinked away and met Kyle’s eyes with his own. His breath caught, shuddering as he opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out other than a slight whimper.
“K-Kyle- I-fuck- there’s painkillers in the bathroom, can you-“
"Yeah, of course," Kyle said with a nod of his head before he slipped off the bed and headed into the bathroom to grab the painkillers. He filled a nearby glass with water from the tap and returned to Alex's side, glass and pills being offered. "Here, I've given as many as I think is safe to give."
He'd made a quick assessment of Alex's height, weight, and other factors in order to work out how many pills would be safe.
Alex downed the pills immediately and leaned back against the headboard. His skin was prickled with sweat, chest heaving and shirt drenched from where he’d been trapped in nightmares and then a panic attack. He felt clammy and cold, throat too close and the walls falling around him.
He remembered being trapped under the SUV because it had happened to him, but it was worse in the dream. He reached up, a shaking hand reaching into his hairline, along the back of his head and feeling the ridge of a scar he hadn’t had before.
What the fuck.
“I wanna wake up now, Kyle. I- I’m gonna hurl-“ he started to move like he was going to get out of the bed, completely forgetting for a moment that he was missing a leg so it was only thanks to Kyle’s quick thinking that he wasn’t on the floor.
"Hey, hey," Kyle said gently but firmly as he caught Alex's weight in his arms and braced him. "Alex, I need you to look at me and I need you to breathe, okay?" He wet his lower lip and kept one arm around Alex's waist as he slipped his other hand through the other man's hair, lightly and gently massaging his scalp as he tried to coax Alex to look at him.
"In and out, nice and deep, okay?"
He even went so far as to mimic the motion so that Alex had an example to follow. "And then if you still feel like you're going to hurl I'll get you to the bathroom, alright?"
It didn’t work to make Alex look at him, but it did make him slump forward to rest against Kyle, following the movements of Kyle’s breath, the slow and deep in and out.
After a couple of minutes, Alex managed - tightly, “I’m still gonna hurl. There’s- ff- crutches under the bed.”
Kyle swallowed hard as Alex all but slumped against him but kept up his ministrations through his hair as that seemed to be helping.
"Okay, lemme get you to the bathroom first, and then I'll come back for the crutches."
And true to his word Kyle got Alex to the bathroom and helped him settle beside the toilet. He didn't move until he was certain that Alex would be okay and returned to the bedroom to rummage out the crutches.
“I’d rather you didn’t see this,” Alex said, all but begging Kyle to leave him alone as he hauled himself to his knees and gripped the rim of the toilet, stubbornly holding it together until Kyle left.
It was humiliating enough to have needed help getting here in the first place.
Kyle could understand Alex’s reservations but at the end of the day he was a friend but more than that he was also a doctor. He had a duty of care and this most recent dream? Was fucked. It had taken Alex’s leg for fucks sake.
He came back and rested the crutches near Alex before he just pushed a hand into Alex’s hair and pulled back the longer strands so he didn’t get puke in it.
“I know you’d rather I not be here right now but I’m not leaving you alone.”
Thankfully for Alex, he was kind of done throwing up by the time Kyle had dug out the crutches from under the bed and returned. He leaned up and flushed the toilet, closing the lid and hauling himself up with wobbly, unsure movements, gripping onto the sink and then pulling himself upright, knuckles white as he balanced on his left leg, brain convinced that there should also be a right leg and foot to stand on and so he was struggling.
Stubborn as ever, he glanced back at Kyle and rested his pelvis against the sink, shaking hands fumbling with the mouthwash.
"F-fuck, Kyle, I- what- what'm I supposed to do now?"
"Well, first thing I'd like to do is take a look at it and make sure there's no immediate need for medical attention." Kyle kept his voice low and controlled as he might be freaking out over the fact his best friend had just woken from a dream missing a leg but now was not the time to let that show. Alex was already freaked out enough without adding his emotional carnage into this highly charged situation.
He passed over a towel for Alex to wipe his mouth with once he'd washed it out with mouthwash.
"After that we need to get in touch with the dream clinic, see if there's anything they can do as far as the VA clinic goes in terms of getting you the right support and making sure you're in a good place to deal with life after this."
Alex was proud of the fact that he didn't immediately challenge the 'life after this' comment; after all, he'd just lost his fucking leg. He hadn't been trapped under an SUV in reality, the same way he had in the Dreams. He hadn't lost his leg, they'd saved it. It had taken hours of surgery and weeks of PT before he could move but he'd done it. He'd fought through that and come out the other side. And now... now he'd lost it? All that time, that effort, the pain he'd gone through... just gone?
He wiped his mouth and passed the towel back, returning to gripping the sink as he hung his head and tried to breathe in, as hard as that was proving to be. His whole body felt like it was trembling, his lower back was on fire and since he'd thrown up the painkillers he'd need to take more. He reached up into the medicine cabinet, swinging it open so he didn't have to look at his pale, freaked out face anymore and took the bottle out.
"It's not- I think it's healed but I can't- I can't look at it right now. Fuck. Fuck-"
Kyle watched Alex closely as he sunk back against the sink and as he began to descend into a rambling tirade of "fucks" Kyle stepped in and simply pulled his friend into a hug, tight and unrelenting, reassuring and comforting. "Whatver happens I'm going to be with you," he assured Alex as he felt the other man's body tremble. Shock, pain, and the sudden horrific realisation that he'd lost his leg did would do that to anyone.
"You might not want me to be but I'm not gonna let you go through this alone, alright?"
He leaned back and sought Alex's gaze. "Right now, I wanna move you indoors, into the main house, get some painkillers down you and then we can sit down and figure out the next move when you've processed this."
"Or you can just leave me here and you can go back to bed 'cause you're on earlies tomorrow and lock Biscuit in so she doesn't wake you again." Alex replied, utterly deadpan, feeling himself wobbling through lack of balance and clutched onto Kyle's arm - to his eternal shame.
God, this was already humiliating.
"I mean, at least the injury's not fresh. That's something, right?"
The look Kyle gave Alex was nothing short of scathing and just shook his head. "Not going to happen. I have a friend who owes me big time so I can call that in and take the day off tomorrow." It wasn't difficult, not when Kyle worked so many hours and also picked up other people's shifts when they had stuff to deal with at home or outside the hospital in general. He had favours upon favours built up.
"The only bright side," he agreed ruefully.
Alex let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob but before Kyle could comfort him, he sucked in a breath and visibly tried to force himself back together, shoving the broken parts of him into a box that he could deal with later.
"You don't need to put yourself on hold for me," he repeated gently, "I mean, the version of me in the dreams dealt with this alone in a military hospital in Germany." He swallowed, "I should be able to do this."
He let go carefully, looking to see where Kyle had put the crutches. "But you're not going to let it go, huh, I mean, about me coming inside?"
Kyle frowned at that sound from Alex and shifted his hand to grip the back of Alex's neck, rubbing his thumb over the short hairs at the back of his neck.
"Just because dream you did that doesn't mean actual you has to," he pointed out calmly with a tone that brokered absolutely no room for argument.
He snorted quietly and shook his head. "Got it in one."
“I don’t want you to feel like you have to look after me,” Alex said, though he leaned into the touch anyway and took a deep breath, “I need- the- uh- I can’t get into the house under my own steam anymore. Can you pass me the crutches?”
He took a breath, “please?”
“Sure,” Kyle said with a nod before he reached out and passed the crutches over to Alex.
He breathed out. “And that’s what people do for the people they care about, they take care of them.”
Alex took the crutches and hissed a little at the pain under his arms. He supposed he’d get used to it.
“Hallmark pay you to say that?” He teased, leaning against the sink again and flexing his fingers around the hand holds. “C’mon, this is no fun, can we move?”
Kyle rolled his eyes. “You’re a fucking asshole, you know that?”
He passed his hand through his hair and turned away to head back through to the bedroom where he crouched for a moment to rub his hands over Biscuit’s ears. She was still worried and pacing nervously.
Alex managed a grin but it was weak and tired. “That’s why you love me,” he called after Kyle, following carefully and unsteadily on the crutches, having to rest every couple of steps to catch his breath and ease the pain against his shoulder joints.
“I dunno,” Kyle said with a shake of his head. “Jury’s out on that at the moment.”
He rose to his feet and ushered Biscuit back towards the main house as he hadn’t been kidding about going there. Plus he needed his phone so he could in a favour or two.
Alex followed more slowly, pulling the door shut behind him and hobbling unevenly into the house. He caught himself as he nearly tripped on the doorway into the kitchen, swearing under his breath.
“I can crash on the couch,” he added, leaning against the frame to the lounge. “Not sure I can handle stairs right now.”
Kyle glanced over his shoulder as he heard the curse from Alex but chose not to move over to help as Alex was doing that thing he did where he was too proud to ask for help.
“I’ll grab you some pillows and blankets,” he instead offered as he headed up the stairs to dig some out.
"Thanks," Alex said quietly, moving into the lounge and collapsing onto the couch heavily, having not worked out how to lower his weight carefully. Biscuit, not even waiting, joined him a split second later, her head pillowed on his right thigh like she didn't care he was missing a leg.
Ladened with pillows and blankets Kyle returned to the couch where he stopped, smiling at Biscuit. Sometimes he thought she’d make a really good therapy dog.
“Here,” he murmured as he slipped a pillow under Alex’s head and also below his now injured and thankfully Biscuit shifted accommodating the movement. The blanket went on next and Kyle looked up at Alex. “If you need anything give me a holler, alright?”
Alex nodded, chewing on the inside of his lower lip and trying to settle, ignoring the flush of humiliation that rocked through him at the slipping of a pillow underneath his thigh. Biscuit settled again, draped over his left leg, on top of the blanket, a reassuring weight.
"Uh- y-yeah. Thanks, Kyle," he muttered, looking away at the crutches now lying on the floor. "Sorry, man."
Kyle gave Alex a pointed look and shook his head. "Nothing to apologise for, man." And he meant that, hopefully Alex got that.
"These dreams," he began before just sighing. "They're pretty fucked."
Alex snorted softly, "Yeah," he agreed, tugging the blanket up under his chin and breathing past the twinges in his hips. "Yeah, you can say that again."
He swallowed and then added, "Night, Kyle."