Kyle (brainoverbrawn) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2019-05-21 22:40:00 |
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Entry tags: | alex manes, kyle valenti |
Who: Kyle Valenti & Alex Manes
What: Alex just can't catch a break from the dreams
When: 2oth May
Where: Valenti/Manes residence
Rating/Warnings: PG / References to past child abuse & trauma
Status: Complete
Alex had woken with blood on his lips and a pain the likes of which he hadn't felt in a very long time wracking his body. His dream had been one he'd had a few times over the past couple of nights that had led to him feeling like a literal zombie but that night? That night it had been so much worse. The reality of it had been so much stronger, so much more visceral and when he'd woken up he'd woken unable to move properly for fifteen minutes while he waited for the pain to subside.
It didn't, and he knew it wouldn't. But this trip down memory lane had been his least favourite so far because he'd already lived through this once. What kind of fucked up dreams made him relive something that had already happened to him? It was bad enough that he knew the Jesse Manes in his dreams hated him as much as his real father, that his brothers were more absent and complicit in the way he'd been treated than in reality but it hurt no less to know that they didn't care for him... but now waking up with the bruises and injuries that he'd suffered as a fourteen year old all over again?
No. This was a fucking joke.
He moved himself to the bathroom gingerly and tugged his shirt off, cleaned the blood from his lips and inspected the damage. A boot print over the right side of his chest, fresh purple and blue bruises over the rest of him and when he turned he didn't need to see the raised welts from the belt that had been taken to him when he'd been on the floor, face down, held still by a boot pressed against his lower back. He could feel the sensitive skin pulling.
Alex managed to shower which took an agonising forty minutes and dressing was an exercise in self-restraint. He was pretty sure he'd fractured at least two of his ribs and from the way his whole torso was hurting he was pretty sure that he was going to be a walking bruise, mottled and messy for at least the two weeks he was the first time around. He just needed to get some of Kyle's arnica cream and he could probably take the worst of the colour out over a few days. He'd just replace it, get an amazon order in or something and Kyle would never know.
It didn't even occur to him not to hide it after all, it was habit. He'd hidden his father's abuse from everyone for his entire life and he wasn't about to stop. It wasn't a big deal; it wasn't like he was being branded in his sleep or something.
Glancing at the clock he was glad to see that it was nearly ten am which meant there was no way of him running into Kyle in the house, which was the only reason he left the guest house and walked towards the main house, carefully moving in a way that he'd thought he would never need to, movements still and slow, making a good show of looking uninjured.
Heh, he thought bitterly, some skills were just like riding a bike.
Rubbing Biscuit's ears carefully and waving her away, Alex figured he could get himself some orange juice first and then go rummaging upstairs for the cream, get the delivery to come this afternoon and Kyle would never even know.
"C'mon, girl," he said with a heavy sigh that made his breath catch as his muscles protested, "don't make me trip over you, my balance is shot today." And coffee, since the inside of his lips were split open, was out of the question.
Pouring juice into the glass and leaving the carton on the counter, Alex sagged against it and closed his eyes, listening to the steady thump of Biscuit's tail against the breakfast bar. "Fuck."
Planning around Kyle's schedule was smart, really smart, but smarts only got you so far when your friend went and swapped shifts with another surgeon so that said surgeon could attend his daughter's graduation so rather than being at the hospital this morning he was very much at home. He'd been cleaning up in the living room when he heard the sound of the backdoor opening followed by Alex speaking to Biscuit and his brow furrowed as he was certain he heard pain in his friend's voice. He might have missed that sort of shit when he was younger but he was older and a doctor now so he picked up on those sorts of things these days.
Kyle placed the TV remote to one side and trailed in the direction of the kitchen where Alex was all but sagged against the nearby counter which wasn't really like him as he had that near perfect posture thing going on from his days in the military.
"Rough night?" He asked.
Alex jumped when Kyle appeared and instantly regretted it, his whole body stiffening in a conditioned response to minimise the reaction to an unexpected movement. He wet his lower lip and lifted a shoulder, fingers tightening a little around the glass, forcing himself to correct his posture despite the way his whole body screamed at him to just not, please, thank you. "You could say that," he answered tightly. "Aren't you meant to be at work?"
Kyle noted the extreme reaction to his sudden appearance which immediately made him suspicious and he had his mother's wits about him. "I swapped shifts with a guy at work so he could go to his daughter's graduation." He rubbed a hand over Biscuit's ears before he kept his eyes glued to Alex.
"So, what happened last night?"
Alex felt hugely uncomfortable under Kyle's gaze and shifted on the spot, trying to work out how quickly he could move out of here without it looking suspicious. He'd seen how Kyle's eyes narrowed slightly and the teenager in his was cursing himself for having done something that was so obvious that it was going to get him in more trouble. It took his adult brain longer than he was willing to admit to remind himself that Kyle wasn't Jesse Manes. That Jesse Manes wasn't a part of his life right now and even if Jesse Manes walked through that door, Alex could put him on his ass without breaking a sweat.
"Just a rough night," he lied, draining the juice and turning to place the glass down carefully, hands steady as he refilled it,"leg's sore. You want a glass?"
Kyle was most definitely not Jesse Manes. The exact opposite in fact. "Mm, yeah, please." He said as he maneuverered himself to be that much closer to Alex before as the other man turned around he reached out to lightly poke him in the side, he had a hunch and needed to see if he was right.
Alex reached up to grab Kyle a glass and had one in his hand when Kyle poked his side and the impact was immediate. The blossoming pain along with the ingrained instinct to flinch from the danger had Alex stumbling to the side, the glass dropping out of his hand and shattering on the floor, a very unfamiliar fear and panic flickering over Alex's face as he was rocketed back fifteen years until he caught himself.
"What the hell, Kyle?!" He tried to regain his breath, push past the tightness in his voice. He was fucking stronger than this.
Kyle's eyes narrowed in less than a second when it became glaringly obvious that Alex was hurt and very much in pain. Concern immediately blossomed into the forefront of Kyle's mind especially as Alex had gone to such extreme lengths to keep his true physical state a secret from him.He knew Alex was a pretty private person and always had been but this was taking that to a whole other level.
Add the fear and panic he could see in Alex's facial expression and Kyle knew something was very wrong. So wrong that he didn't even care about the broken glass or how angry Alex seemed to be.
"What the hell happened last night, Alex? And don't say nothing because clearly this issomething."
"It's nothing," Alex snapped, eyes seeking the broom so he had something in his hands to try and hide the shaking, the adrenaline that was coursing through him from the re-awakened sense of fear of being discovered. He'd lived with this for years, from ten when his mom left right up until he left for his first tour. He'd lived this and never let anyone see and now he was ten years on and what, he wasn't strong enough anymore? He'd handled it before, brushed it off with a joke about his brothers being home and being rough, forgetting that not everyone was a solider, or a marine, or an airman. That Alex had always been a little smaller than them.
His fingers snagged the broom and he used it to gently keep Biscuit from walking closer so she didn't pad over the broken glass. And she whined a little, distressed, padding her feet and looking up at Kyle like she wanted him to do something.
"Don't fucking lie to me," Kyle fired back in response. "You can barely stand up straight and you're shaking." He was many things but an idiot was not one of those things. "You really expect me to believe that this is nothing?" He challenged, gesturing to Alex's current state. "Because newsflash that isn't happening."
Alex hated himself for how he flinched again in the face of Kyle's anger, the sharp tone of his voice was born of concern and he knew that but everything was still so fresh and his shoulders hunched defensively, unconsciously trying to make himself look smaller, eyes dropping to the ground in a very un-Alex like way, focusing on trying to sweep the floor, just to do something so he could leave and get out of here.
"I'm fine," he managed, voice strained, the tremor in it not just pain right now and fuck he hated himself. "Please just- just-"
He pulled the glass into a pile, his whole body primed to flee, tensed like he was expecting something much worse than the tender touch that would happen if Kyle did approach.
The thing about having gone into the medical world and having worked in a hospital for as long as he had Kyle picked up on things, things that other missed, because he'd seen it in patients and those were the same patients he'd helped by calling protective services or giving them a safe place to be until the police could arrive. What he'd seen in those patients he now saw in Alex especially with how he huddled into himself and dropped his gaze away like he was desperately trying not to do anything that might make Kyle angry or the situation worse.
What the hell?
He wet his lower lip and approached Alex slowly and with his hands held up so the other man could see them and knew he wasn't going to do anything with them that he didn't want. "Alex, please," he said softly. "Talk to me. I know you're not okay and I just want to help."
Alex still took a step backwards, broom held against his chest defensively even with the soft tone of his voice and every part of him wanted to scream at himself. He was a fucking decorated soldier and what, he was having a flashback to being a fucking teenager because his best friend had yelled at him and touched him when he wasn't expecting it? God, sometimes he thought his dad was right; he was weak.
"I- really, Kyle-" he said, "I'm- I'm fine I just-"
He struggled to get the words out, knowing that Kyle wasn't going to back down and trying to work out how best to say what had happened which wouldn't result in Kyle getting angry again, or in Kyle touching him.
He was beginning to realise there was no way around it, he was trapped and it made his mouth go dry. He felt cornered, and he knew that wasn't Kyle's fault.
"I- fuck- it's just the dreams, man."
"Bullshit," Kyle countered with an impressive arch of his eyebrow. "You're clearly not okay." Kyle knew Alex or at least he thought he did and he knew when his friend wasn't okay and when he needed to push because hell if Alex had his way he'd never talk about anything.
He did frown however when Alex backed up from him and he tried not to take it personally because Alex was definitely lost in another time and another place which didn't involve him or at least he hoped it didn't. If dream!him had done anything else to Alex then honestly he didn't know what he was going to do except lose all faith in himself.
"What happened in the dreams?"
"Fucking dreams," Alex just responded, with a humourless laugh. "So far everything's been different, why the fuck do I have to relive through shit I've already dealt with?" The question was rhetoric since he held up a hand to stop Kyle from trying to answer as much as it was to stop him advancing.
He wet his lower lip. "I just- It's good to know that no matter what's going on, Jesse Manes is a monster everywhere." His voice was hollow and he wasn't looking at Kyle as he spoke, sounding ashamed. He was doing something wrong by saying that out loud.
Kyle was listening as Alex spoke and as he did all the pieces of a horrible picture were starting to come together and he felt his jaw clench when he ultimately came to the conclusion of what had taken place. Alex hadn't overtly said it but he didn't need to. It was enough that he'd insinuated it and the use of 'monster' along with 'Jesse Manes' all but confirmed that what he was thinking was right.
He felt sick to his stomach, he really did.
Kyle had always known Jesse was a hardass and a tough son of a bitch but he'd never thought or imagined that he'd do something as sick as raise a hand to his kid, but clearly he was wrong. Jesus fuck, how had he missed this? How had he been so blind to Alex's suffering? Some fucking best friend he was. And he was only human so there was a part of him that was hurt that Alex hadn't thought that he could come to him and seek refuge because Kyle wouldn't have turned him away. He suspected it was a mix of fear, worry, pride and concern that Jesse might find out and ramp up his abuse and that Kyle would view Alex differently, but nothing could be further from the truth.
He desperately wanted to reach out and pull Alex into a hug but he'd made it very clear that he needed and wanted space right now so Kyle was being respectful of that. "What happened," he began, "It wasn't your fault and your dad? Is an asshole. "
Guilt visibly flooded Alex's face when he realised that Kyle had put the pieces together. There was a slight crack in Kyle's voice when he spoke and Alex felt his stomach churn at the fact that he'd put that there. He should have just stayed in the guest house.
"I know that now," he responded tightly, lifting his eyes to Kyle, holding his gaze for a split second before he had to look away again, curling in on himself in a way of self-soothing that was clearly a well used coping mechanism. He wet his lower lip, "I- you know there's nothing you coulda done, right?" Because there wasn't. He was pretty sure if he hadn't worked it out in full that Jim Valenti had at least known what was happening, which was why there were so many sleepovers at Chez Valenti when Alex was a young teenager, but eventually Alex had gotten good at fooling even him that everything was okay. His own voice hitched slightly. "I didn't- I'm sorry, Kyle, I didn't-"
Kyle begged to differ. If he'd known he could have helped, could have done more, could have done something or anything to lessen his pain and loneliness it must have fostered given how he'd had to keep this whole thing hidden.
"Hey, hey," Kyle said gently and softly as he approached Alex in a very non threatening non aggressive manner, lightly laying his hands on the other man's arms and just letting them rest there, no tightening or anything of the sort that might cause Alex to panic any more than he already was. "I just- I'm sorry I didn't realise that there was something going on. You shouldn't have had to tell me for me to figure this out."
Alex still flinched when Kyle's hands landed on him, having backed up far enough that if he took another step he'd be pressed against the glass of the back doors and truly trapped, so he'd gone still and Kyle had laid hand and Alex had to fight himself to breathe, chest tight and frozen, humiliation rippling through him at the fact that they were here, that Kyle as talking to him like he was one of his patients, that one of his most shameful secrets was laid bare right now and all he wanted to do was let the floor fucking swallow him up.
"You've got nothing to apologise for, I never wanted you to know. It's not- I mean it's in the past. I just- these fucking dreams. What bullshit means I have to live through my father trying to beat my sexuality out of me twice?"
"Breathe," Kyle coaxed softly and gently as he sought and held eye contact, his own gentle and full of warmth for his friend. "That's the first step, Alex. If you don't breathe I'm seriously concerned you're going to full on pass out on me and I think me giving you the kiss of life is literally the last thing you want."
He did well not to flinch in reaction to the knowledge that Alex had literally lived through Jesse Manes beating the living daylights out of him not once but twice thanks to the dreams. If he didn't already have issues with Jesse Manes (and he did) this revelation had gone and cemented his hatred of that man. How fucking dare he hurt Alex and try to beat the gay out of him, that wasn't how that shit worked, jesus fucking christ.
"Will you at least let me take a look at you?"
"Wouldn't be the first time he'd made me black out," Alex offered sardonically, lips twitched up into a humourless smile. "Waking up to you hovering over my face would be much nicer than what I'm used to." Dark humour. He'd developed it as a teenager and it had been honed to a point when he was in the military, wielded like a weapon to keep people at arms length.
He pressed his lips together. "You gonna let me say no?" he asked, "You have no idea how long it took me to get this shirt on."
"That isn't even remotely funny," Kyle said with a firm shake of his head and a distinctly unimpressed hard set to his face.
Also, for the record, he wasn't going to let Alex say no.
He might not have been there for him when he was younger but he could be there for him now in whatever capacity he let him. He'd deal with his own feelings of hurt and guilt later, away from Alex, and privately. "I can be very stubborn in case you hadn't noticed."
"It's a little funny," Alex retorted, visibly trying to rebuild his defenses after having been stripped so bare.
He huffed out a breath which caused a hitch at the tail end as his side contracted painfully. He covered it well, though. "If you wanted to get me naked, you know all you had to do was ask."
"Nope," Kyle countered. "Not funny at all."
He frowned when he caught the hitching of Alex's breath and then snorted quietly. "What can I say, Alex, I'm clearly crazy for your body." He offered a soft smile. "C'mon, let me patch you up."
"There's nothing to patch up," Alex pointed out. "It's just-"
He resisted for a moment longer but then tugged his shirt off carefully over his head, the movements slow and deliberate and obviously difficult but it was clear that some muscle memory was kicking in because Alex was moving without hurting himself any more than he had to.
Once the shirt was off, he held it against his chest, like that would do anything to obscure the litany of injuries that wrapped across his skin, the vicious bruises on his chest and sides and over his ribs already exploding in violet and blues. The 'new' injuries barely obscured old scars from Jesse Manes that he hoped he wouldn't have to relive.
"See? It just- I was gonna go steal your arnica cream."
Kyle inhaled slow as he took in the full scope of the newly inflicted injuries along with telltale marks from previous years of abuse and put Kyle Valenti to one side to instead be Dr. Valenti who had dealt with this sort of thing on more than one occasion. "This is not nothing," he pointed out with a shake of his head before he helped Alex over to a nearby stool so he could take a seat.
He stepped away to rummage out some of his first aid supplies because what kind of doctor would he be if he didn't have a good range of them at home? He laid it all out on the nearby counter and slipped on a pair of gloves before he just set to work, treating the welts across the expanse of Alex's back wih a gentle but confident touch.
Alex, to his credit, stopped flinching or even really reacting as Kyle cleaned up and treated the welts along his back. On the plus side, they were over old scars from a similar treatment he'd had in this life, so he was pretty sure they'd just melt into the old scars and nothing new would be there. He was lingeringly uncomfortable when Kyle's hand moved over some of the fresher ones from where he'd been blown up, but for the most part he was quiet until Kyle was just about done.
"You know there's no need for you to feel guilty," he said, softly. "I saw it on your face."
"Put yourself in my shoes," Kyle said as he glanced up at Alex briefly but only briefly because then he was right back to doctoring all over Alex's back. "If this were me and you hadn't noticed or done anything to help, how would you feel right now?"
He was also kicking himself for letting himself soak up all of Alex's worry and concern after his mother's death when it was clear the other man was going through a nightmare all of his own.
"We were kids, Kyle," Alex pointed out patiently, "there wasn't anything that you could have done and your dad's attempts to help just made it worse." He shook his head. "You did what you could even without knowing it." And, at least unlike the Alex in his dreams, he wasn't alone. He still had Kyle, he didn't have to look at his former best friend who shoved him into lockers and aggravated injuries that he had carefully hidden under layers and attitude.
Kyle chose not to reply and instead finished up with the welts before moving onto the bruises, a cursory check of Alex's ribs and yep, a couple were definitely cracked, but unfortunately there wasn't much that could be done for those except to let them heal on their own. It sucked but that was just the way it was.
"I don't think I have to tell you this but just in case it isn't clear you are not to do anything strenuous until you've fully healed and yes that does mean no late night rendezvous with Michael Guerin."
Alex bit out a laugh, "Yeah, doc, I figured that sex would be off the table. I can hardly dress myself right now I'm not about to go and do anything particularly vigorous for at least two weeks."
Kyle had definitely had his suspicions about Alex and Michael but that comment from Alex confirmed it without any doubt or uncertainty that those two were in fact bumping uglies. Also, clearly, it wasn't something new and it seemed to be just another secret that Alex had been keeping from him.
"Okay, good, as long as we're on the same page."
"What?" Alex asked, having heard something in Kyle's voice and he turned on the stool before getting to his feet, reaching for his shirt to tug it back on over his head.
"Nothing," Kyle replied with a shake of his head as he peeled his gloves off and tossed them into the nearby bin. "I'll write you up a script for some painkillers, should take the edge off."
"Nothing?" Alex challenged, eyebrows lifting, obviously not believing Kyle and not necessarily feeling like letting it lie since Kyle had poked at him. "And you don't have to- since this was technically off the books and all. It's not like this is totally new for me to deal with, I just got out of practise, that's all."
"Just-" Kyle began before he sighed, rubbing a hand through his hair. "This thing with you and Guerin, it isn't something new, is it?" He shook his head. "I know somebody who owes me a favour so the script'll go through with no problems."
No big deal for Kyle, over the counter painkillers wouldn't touch those injuries.
"I mean- it is and it isn't?" Alex responded after a moment, trying to understand where Kyle was coming from, why he'd said it with a sigh. "We had- we had something in high school for a couple of months before he moved away." Before Alex had watched him get beaten with a baseball bat and had gone home with a hickey that wasn't quite hidden by his collar to get a beating of his own. And he'd done nothing to stop either of them. "I've got no idea what we're doing, trying to reconnect?"
He wet his lower lip, "Fine, I just- are they gonna make me drowsy?"
"Hey, what you and Guerin do or do not do is none of my business," Kyle affirmed as he held up his hands before he packed up his medical supplies. "One more thing I didn't know about you in high school." He wondered if there was anything else.
He shook his head. "No, they shouldn't. They'll just take the edge off and reduce some of the swelling which'll improve your recovery time." He retrieved his work bag and pulled out his pad where he scribbled out a script and then ripped it off, handing the slip to Alex. "Ask for Miguel, he'll sort it out."
Alex took the paper and folded it into the pocket of his jeans, frown still over his face and he shook his head. "You say that like I've been keeping secrets from you," he said, "which isn't the case."
"We're going to have to agree to disagree on that point," Kyle replied as he finally put all the medical supplies away before he rummaged in his freezer for the cold pack he always kept handy. "Here," he said as he held it out. "It'll help with the bruising."
"Jesus, Kyle," Alex said, not taking the cold pack. "I didn't actively think about shit I could hide from you."
Kyle's jaw ticked and he inhaled, placing the cold pack down on the side instead. "I didn't say that you did but you chose not to trust me with the stuff you had going on. I get the whole dad being a total asshole thing because I don't even know how you start to talk about that, but Guerin? That's one I can't quite wrap my head around."
Alex had known pretty much everything about Kyle (save one thing) and now Kyle was sort of facing the realisation that he hadn't actually known Alex at all. Clearly his need for privacy went a lot deeper than he ever could have imagined.
Alex opened his mouth to argue, to say something in his own defence but then realised that anything he could say was a poor defence and would sound like 'I didn't trust you' when that wasn't the case. Honestly, he'd been afraid. Afraid of saying something aloud that would make Jesse Manes find out. That would make Michael run. That would ruin the few perfect moments he had with Michael when things had been easier.
And then everything had changed and Alex was busy just trying to survive his father to talk about anything else.
"It wasn't just my secret at that point," he said finally. "And yeah- I could have said something but I-" he shook his head, "- anything I say is gonna sound like a fu- an excuse."
"Yeah," Kyle agreed. "But that doesn't really matter right now." He exhaled a breath and turned to rummage out a couple painkillers that would at least take some of the pain away before offering them along with a glass of juice.
Alex took the painkillers and juice when they were handed over, downing them immediately and then placing the empty glass on the counter. He adjusted his shirt and bit his lower lip, tongue pressed against the torn skin along the inside.
"We good, Kyle?" he asked, instead of saying the other things in his head.
Kyle just nodded his head. "Yeah, we're good."
"You sure?"
"Yep," Kyle answered with a further nod of his head.
Alex looked at him for a minute before he just sighed. He didn't feel like they were okay, but this wasn't a battle he had the strength to fight. Nor did he want to right now. He just tapped his fingers on the breakfast bar and nodded.
"Okay," though he didn't sound convinced, he sounded probably as convinced as Kyle did. "Good."
"Just rest up and take it slow," Kyle advised. "And you might want to let people know you're sore so they don't go poking at you like I did."
"You poked at me on purpose," Alex pointed out, "which was a low blow and you're lucky I didn't put you on your ass." Which he might have done if he'd been disassociated and that was something that worried him, too. Thankfully Kyle hadn't seen the worst of his PTSD, though he supposed that was something he should bring up soon, too, considering Kyle's aversion to Alex's private nature.
Kyle just lifted his eyebrows before he pushed away from the counter he was leaning against and began to wander back through to the living room so he could continue where he'd left off after becoming aware. "I'll be back late by the way so I'm going to have to trust that you're actually going to take my advice as a medical physician about taking things slow and getting some rest."
He had the shift he'd swapped for followed by a morning at the free clinic.
"I'll also call my dog walker, get her to come in today for Biscuit."
Alex pressed his teeth together, feeling an ache along his jaw and just sighed, picking up the broom again to at least sweep the glass into more of a pile, out of the way by the trash can because there was no way he was bending to pick it up.
"Okay," he just called back through, "I- yeah, I'll see you tomorrow then?" But without waiting for an answer, Alex stepped out of the back door and towards the guest house, trying to work out if he stayed put or if he went out to stretch his legs.
He knew he couldn't stay still, that was for sure.