Kyle (brainoverbrawn) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2019-04-23 21:15:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, alex manes, kyle valenti |
Who: NPC!Nurse, Alex Manes & Kyle Valenti
What: Alex finally finds out the truth about Kyle's dad
When: Easter Sunday
Where: Assisted living facility & Kyle's place
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 / Man!Pain
Status: Complete
Nurse Mary O'Reilly was having one hell of a shift. First she'd had two other nurses call in sick and then she'd had to calm Jim Valenti down after a visit by his son had gone horribly wrong. Apparently he'd forgotten who Kyle was and had attacked him out of fear but thankfully one of the orderlies had gotten involved before it had gotten uglier than it already was.
Unfortunately Kyle Valenti had still left with a split lip which he wouldn't let anybody look at because honestly doctors were the worst patients. She did feel for him though, she knew how hard it was to watch your parent vanish in front of your eyes. It was hard, rough even, and she knew he didn't have anybody else.
She sighed a little as she finished up some paperwork and sipped at her coffee.
Alex Manes was nothing if not persistent. He knew Kyle was lying to him and he had enough understanding of boundaries that he knew not to just hack into Kyle's cell or laptop to find out what was going on but it did mean that he'd followed Kyle out to where he was going when he'd said he was going to visit his dad. Jim Valenti had been good to him when he'd been a teenager. He wondered if Jim had suspected what was going on or if he'd just sensed that Alex needed someone. Either way, Jim Valenti had helped take care of him when he'd needed it the most and Alex wanted to know what was going on.
He'd parked up and waited for ten minutes while Kyle disappeared into what looked like an assisted living complex. He frowned and then climbed out, shrugging on his jacket and heading to the entrance where he slipped inside and came to a reception desk where he offered the woman behind the counter - who looked a little frazzled - a warm smile, all confidence like he belonged.
"Uh, hi, did Kyle Valenti already arrive to see Jim? I was supposed to be meeting him here but I was late."
Mary turned her head as a nice handsome young man approached. "Oh, you just missed him actually." She tsk'ed quietly. "His visit had to be cut short, unforseen circumstances but sometimes these visits don't always go the way we or the family hope."
She fixed her eyes on Alex.
"And you are?"
Alex frowned a little, "Oh, that's a shame, I was really hoping to get in to see him today. I've been in the military for the last ten years and only just got back, so I haven't had a chance to check in with Jim yet. How is he?"
He held his hand out over the counter, smile wide and charming and innocent. "Alex, Jim was like a second father to me."
"Oh, I'm sorry but that isn't possible, not after what happened." Mary took a hold of the hand and returned the smile. "And he was? Oh that's lovely. It's a shame he had such a bad visit today."
She pushed a breath out. "It's hard, especially for the family, and more so when you think they're doing better and they're not but nobody can really say what will happen with dementia so it's playing it day by day."
"No, I totally understand," Alex said smoothly, expression unaffected when the nurse said the word 'dementia', as if that wasn't news to him. Anyone that knew him really well might have noticed the slight dimming in his smile, the tension in his jaw, but it was subtle enough that strangers wouldn't see. "It is hard, maybe next time Kyle comes I'll come along too."
He paused, "If- if it's been a rough day, don't worry about telling Kyle or Jim that I stopped by. I'll arrange another visit at a better time for everyone."
Thankfully Mary didn't know Alex well enough to notice that the news of Jim Valenti having dementia was brand new information to him. "Yes that would probably be better. I mean I wouldn't want him to take a swing at you too, God forbid."
Alex nodded, "Yeah, that-" he felt something cold in his stomach at the idea of Jim Valenti taking a swing at him, or at anyone. He just rested his hands on the counter and pushed off. "I hope the rest of his day is a little easier for him, thanks for the update, ma'am. I better go make sure Kyle's okay."
He offered her another smile, small and soft and he turned on his heel, heading back outside and to his car, wanting to get home before Kyle so that it was slightly less suspicious that after he said he'd be in all day he then wasn't.*****
Rationally Kyle knew with dementia and how far gone his father was into it that bad visits were to be expected. He'd had his fair share of them since his father had begun this journey which had just the two of them before his father's mental health had gotten to the point where he'd needed around the clock care and Kyle had reluctantly arranged for him to go into the assisted living care home he was now in. This visit however was the worst of all the visits. His dad had forgotten who he was on more than one occasion but he'd never swung for him but this time he had and Kyle hadn't moved in time and caught it square in his mouth.
It had quite honestly stunned him and then hurt, confusion and panic had all unfurled in his chest and bottomed out in his stomach like lead weights. He barely remembered the drive home and by the time he got back he felt like he was running on auto-pilot, barely registering unlocking his door or shedding his coat.
Eventually he made it to the kitchen where he merely hunched forward to curl his hands around the counter as he breathed, trying to navigate the unpleasant storm of emotions swirling around inside of him. It honestly felt like somebody had tightened a belt around his chest and he couldn't breathe. Panic attack? No, he was thinking clearly and he didn't feel like he was dying. It was something else, something that had been building for a while, and the strain of holding everything in was starting to cause him to buckle. It was more than just an emotional thing it was evident in how his legs struggled to hold him upright and how his entire upper body was trembling.
His lower lip stung and throbbed and it just served as a reminder as to how far gone his dad was that he'd swing for him, hurt his son, and then not even look apologetic after the event. A strangled cry of frustration and pain he would later realised was him echoed off the walls of his kitchens as he knocked all the items off the counter and his path of destruction continued with a well delivered kick to the kitchen bin and the tossing of breakfast bar stools against the wall. It didn't matter that he was doing a world of damage and probably hurting himself in the process he just needed it out before it ate him alive from the inside out.
It didn't end until he'd ripped every picture of him and his family off the walls, the glass shattering in the violent outburst, and then and only then did he slip down the wall and huddle in on himself. His hands buried in his hair as low painful cries racked his body.
Alex had been home for a couple of hours by the time he heard Kyle's car rumble into the drive. He'd made to move out of the guest house to check on Kyle when he heard the telltale sound of something being broken. For the briefest of moments, Alex was rocketed back to a time when he was younger and rage like that was aimed directly at him but it passed quickly enough; he wasn't that kid anymore and his father wasn't here and this was Kyle and whatever had happened with his father - Jim Valenti slugging his kid in the face seemed so wrong - was too much for Kyle to handle on his own and the thought of him going through losing the only parent he had left was heartbreaking for Alex and he didn't want him to go through it alone.
He waited until the sounds died down before going in, knowing himself well enough to know that he couldn't be in the middle of that, but when he did he wished he'd moved quicker to try and do some damage control. Elements of the kitchen were trashed, there was a hole in the plasterboard on the wall where a stool had been thrown into it, broken glass was littering the floor as he headed into the main house, following the trail of shattered glass, photos and destruction until he found Kyle against the wall, sobs wracking his body with his fingers fisted in his hair.
Alex swallowed, picking up a photo from a shattered frame, it was of the two of them and Jim, broad fishing hats on their heads and grins on their faces. It had been the worst day; the two of them had hated the actual fishing part but the land-based day had been more than enjoyable and they'd had fun with each other. He put it on a counter and carefully approached Kyle, easing himself down next to his friend using the wall as support and reaching out, covering Kyle's hand with his own.
"Kyle..."
So lost in the turmoil of his emotions Kyle had completely forgotten he no longer lived alone and this was abundantly clear in how he all but recoiled away from the touch, gaze wide and panicked that somebody was seeing him in such a vulnerable state.
"Shit, Alex, sorry," he muttered, voice rough and clearly shaky as he did his best to pull his shit back together, a hand moving to scrub over his eyes as he hurriedly pulled back on his emotions. Where was that damn box? Oh, right, there it was, he just needed to stuff them back inside of it.
He pushed out a breath and realised that he'd actually done a world of damage, to his home and to himself, well fuck.
"Hey, hey hey-" Alex reached out with his other hand, too, catching Kyle's wrists to stop him from physically withdrawing as much as mentally. "It's okay."
He wet his lower lip, brows furrowed as he looked at the broken skin of Kyle's hands and reached up to catch under his chin, tiling his head up slightly.
Though he knew what had happened, he kind of didn't think it was appropriate right now to have the 'I followed you and know you're keeping the fact that your dad's sick a secret' conversation, so he asked, "What happened?"
Kyle's jaw tightened to the point where it looked as painful as it sounded before he just shook his head, lifting one hand to scrub viciously at one eye. He was also hyper aware of the fact that he was sniffing because of the aborted crying and that was beyond annoying.
He chewed on and pulled his lower lip into his mouth before he simply shook his head.
"Bad day, that's all."
"Bad day with your dad?" Alex pressed, because Kyle had told him that was where he had been going. He knew that Kyle wasn' working, so asking the question didn't really give away that he had followed the other guy, or that he knew precisely what had happened and what was going on.
His fingers touched Kyle's lower lip, gently releasing it from where he was gnawing at it before both hands returned to his wrists.
"We need to get your hands cleaned up, come on, let's head into the kitchen and you can tell me what happened."
"It's all superficial damage," Kyle informed Alex as he shifted out of his huddled mass and slowly rose to his feet which admittedly took more effort than it should have done. "And yeah, bad day with my dad."
He pushed out a breath and trailed through to the kitchen, grimacing at the sheer and utter destruction before he moved over to the sink to start the tap running so he could wash off the blood that had pooled around his knuckles.
"I'll uh clean up the mess in a bit."
"Doesn't matter if it's superficial or not," Alex said calmly, carefully moving as Kyle did, trailing him with a hand on his lower back as they picked their way through the trail of destruction and back towards the kitchen. "Still important that we clean your hands up. Too much iron'll be bad for Biscuit when she decides that she's gotta make this all better, too."
He kept his hand on Kyle's back as he washed the blood off his hands and shrugged. "I'll help, but you gotta talk about this, first."
The only time he moved away was to get a first aid kit he knew was kept in the cupboard by the fridge-freezer. He could at least clean up the cut to Kyle's lip, do something helpful in this situation.
"What happened?"
Kyle was rather doggedly not looking at anything in particular especially not Alex because he didn't trust himself not to break if he met those eyes which were at this moment full of concern and worry. He'd been strong this far so honestly he just needed to hold out a little longer.
With the tap now twisted off Kyle was leaned back against the nearby kitchen counter, a dishcloth being pressed to the cuts scattered across his knuckles where his eyes focused as he just shrugged his shoulders.
"Just-" He swallowed and honestly it would be a miracle if he didn't have a headache later with how much tension was in his jaw. "My dad, he's- Well, he's not quite the same man he used to be."
Alex grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and placed it on the counter beside Kyle, then he reached out, standing between his friend's legs and tilted his chin up so he could get a look at the cut to his lip. Being a doctor Kyle knew well enough if it was superficial but it looked sore, and it looked like the hit had been hard enough that the skin below his lip was starting to bruise.
Fingers staying gently under Kyle's chin, the other hand caught an antiseptic wipe from the first aid kit. He could tell from the tension in Kyle's voice that as much as Alex might have wanted eye contact it wasn't the best of ideas so he didn't push, didn't duck into Kyle's eyeline. Instead, he focused on wiping away the residual blood that had dried on his chin.
"No?" he asked, figuring it was easier to just let Kyle talk.
"No," Kyle confessed with what sounded like a pretty broken laugh that ended almost as quickly as it started before he just pressed his lips into a thin line. Not that it was particularly helpful given that the move just aggravated the cut already there but hey sometimes a little pain helped to keep you grounded so he'd take it.
He cleared his throat before tossing the dishcloth as he wrapped the edges of the counter with both hands in a grip that was nothing short of brutal if the whiteness across his knuckles was any indication.
"He's uh- Going through something right now that I can't help him with."
Alex's hand moved to Kyle's shoulder, squeezing gently. He felt his brows furrowing, concern written across his features as he ducked this time into Kyle's eyeline.
"He's sick, huh," he intoned, voice still quiet, like he didn't want to spook Kyle or say something wrong that would lead to him closing down even more. "The sort of sick you don't get better from?"
Kyle's eyes flicked up but only briefly before he was stubbornly looking away as he drew in a shaky breath feeling the irritating sensation of burning in both eyes from where he was refusing to let fall. He'd never really put what his father was going through into words to anybody he knew or was even remotely close to, he'd spoken to his boss at work but only so there was an understanding.
"Can we- I mean, I gotta clean up the kitchen."
Honestly he just wanted to do something other than stand there and feel like a complete failure of a son.
"We can sort the kitchen out in a minute," Alex said firmly, though his tone was kind. He did step back, though, let Kyle have his space. He could see the guilt swirling in Kyle's eyes, how he was trying to hold himself together and there were tears shining stubbornly unshed and Alex felt his chest tightening in sympathy.
He hesitated for a second before he stepped forward again and slung his arm over Kyle's shoulders, tugging him into a hug, firm and tight and present.
Kyle went stiff as Alex pulled him into a hug for only a few moments before his own arms wrapped around the other man and he wasn't ashamed to admit it he did cling ever so slightly. Fingers curled and then fisted in the material of Alex's top as if he were stuck in quicksand and Alex was the only thing keeping him from drowning.
His entire body was shaking at the sheer effort it was taking Kyle to hold his shit together and just not come apart.
Alex stood still and tall right up until the point where he felt Kyle's body shaking and he just let out a quiet, reassuring sound and squeezed, one hand catching the back of Kyle's head as the other curled in his shirt, affected by the other man's emotions as though they were his own. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and rubbed small, soothing circles against Kyle's back.
"I've got you," he said quietly. "'m right here."
Kyle didn't really emote on the whole.
Generally speaking he had his shit on lockdown and he'd been doing really well especially as he had up until this point been handling all of this on his own. You could say he'd reached a point, a point he hadn't even been aware of reaching, and today's visit just shoved him quite literally off the precarious ledge he'd been balancing on. His dad was a lot of things but he'd never ever been aggressive like he was today and it was jarring and a huge reality check to say that he was never ever getting better. If anything he was just going to continue to get worse until there was nothing left of Jim Valenti.
It was truly terrifying, it really was.
Kyle would later look back on this moment and feel really embarrassed because well who enjoyed breaking down in such a spectacular fashion? As it was he was struggling, struggling to hold everything in check and the more Alex reassured him that he was there and that he had him the more fragile Kyle's grip on control became.
"Fuck," he uttered, voice completely broken as he finally gave in, finally let out all the feelings he'd been bottling up since he'd first gotten the call that had told him that not everything was okay with his dad. Tidal wave of emotions coupled with exhaustion and everything else mixed in made for a very distinct unprecedented break.
Alex just held onto Kyle tightly as he came apart, silent and supportive and holding him tight, hand brushing in large circles over Kyle's back as he felt the other man clinging to him as what seemed like years of suppressed and ignored pain just came bursting out of him, now that the floodgates were opened there was no closing them.
He wet his lower lip, eyes closed against his own surge of emotion seeing Kyle - someone who was so held together all the time, someone whom Alex probably would have considered (if he allowed himself such things) as an emotional rock - break apart was painful. It hurt like a physical ache in his chest because he knew there was nothing else he could do, there was nothing to fix here other than to just... be there and hold on and help Kyle navigate through this.
And so that was what he did, and when the shudders and shaking finally stopped, when Kyle body was no longer wracked with the grief at watching somebody die while still being alive - ambiguous loss they called it - didn't ebb but lessened in intensity, he just waited for Kyle to be ready to disengage, to step back. Patience was something he had to spare.
It took way longer than Kyle would have liked for him to finally just calm the fuck down. He inhaled slow and forced his hands to relax as he was aware of just how much he'd been clinging and as he stepped back ever so slightly, not fully out of Alex's grip he cleared his throat and just blew out a breath.
"Sorry," he muttered hoarsely. "I didn't mean for you to see any of this." And he hadn't. In his grief he'd completely forgotten that he no longer lived alone.
Kyle swallowed and slipped his hands around to pat Alex's chest before just slumping backwards.
Alex leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Kyle's temple before he let go of the other man and let his hands drop to his sides, shifting awkwardly on the spot before his hands clasped behind him, standing at rest out of habit more than anything else, shoulders squared. He realised and chastised himself a moment later and just leaned backwards, catching his weight against the counter.
"Hey, it's okay," he offered quietly. "This shit's tough. You shouldn't feel like you have to go through this alone." He reached up to catch Kyle's wrist, but the guy had withdrawn before he could, so his hand rubbed the back of his neck and he lifted a shoulder. "I'm here for you, Kyle."
Kyle's eyes closed at the kiss to his temple before he just swallowed hard, the lump trying to form at the back of his throat was forced down and away. No more crying, it wouldn't do anybody any good, his father included.
"You've got enough of your own shit to deal with, Alex." One of the many reasons he hadn't shared. Well that and Kyle was a proud man and he hadn't wanted anybody to see this vulnerable side of him. He prided himself on being strong and being there for others rather than being the one who needed support.
He rubbed his hands over his face before they vanished into his dark hair where they tangled around strands and that grip seemed to help steady him.
"Doesn't mean I can't help you - or that I don't want to," Alex pointed out. "Besides, my shit's squared away." It wasn't, but much like Kyle, Alex was proud and didn't want to unpack everything: like this moment if he unpacked it all he'd completely break and he'd done okay thus far, nightmares and flashbacks aside. So it was much easier to focus on Kyle, on Michael, on other people that needed him rather than on his own issues.
He rubbed the back of his neck again and then snagged the water bottle he'd gotten out of the fridge, tossing it towards Kyle with a think fast, before he moved away to find a broom to begin helping with the clean up.
"You don't have to go through this alone, Kyle," he said, meeting his friend's eyes. "I mean it."
Kyle caught the bottle of water, thankfully, or it would have him square in the chest and uncapped it to take a few steady pulls. "Bullshit," he answered with a shake of his head. "I know vets who have been home longer than you and not been blown up by an IED who still don't have all their shit squared away."
He pushed away from the counter so he could also start cleaning up the mess he'd made.
"That goes both ways," he said as he glanced up and met Alex's gaze. "Just in case that wasn't clear."
Alex had turned away again, but when Kyle mentioned being blown up his shoulders went stiff and his fingers tightened around the broom handle, fighting the way he could feel the air getting hot around him. He bit the inside of his cheek, focused on the sensation of the broom in his hand and just tapped it on the floor, taking a moment to respond, having turned his head back, Kyle's brown eyes meeting his and he swallowed.
"Y-yeah, I know, man. But honestly. I'm- I'm good."
The thing about Kyle was that he didn't miss a thing, not one single thing, and so he noticed the way Alex went stiff and how tight his grip around that broom had become. He'd seen it in other veterans he'd worked with in the clinic and he also knew Alex so try as hard as he might to pretend like he had everything together Kyle knew better.
Like him though Alex was proud and he didn't find it easy to ask for help or to let people in to be able to see just what was going on in his head.
Kyle was ever so slightly better at expressing himself.
"Uh huh," he answered as he crouched down to start picking up shards of glass. "But to answer your question from earlier? My dad's got early onset dementia."
"Watch your fingers," Alex muttered, clearing his throat and moving a little closer with the broom, "let me sweep it up first so that it's less likely to stab us in the feet later." He frowned, the confirmation of what he'd learned earlier that day being no less difficult to hear.
He pressed his lips together and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Kyle," he said, reaching out and squeezing Kyle's shoulder, even as he used his other hand to sweep the smaller shards of glass out from underneath him. "You just- lemme know if you need anything, okay?"
Kyle lifted a hand and squeezed the wrist of the hand on his shoulder and exhaled a shaky breath. "Thanks. Today was just a really rough visit. I mean they're always rough but today was particularly difficult."
He pushed out another breath. "It just sucks, you know? To watch him vanishing before my eyes and sometimes he looks at me like he has no idea who I am and that really fucking hurts."
A soft unamused laugh escaped him as he just shook his head.
"You're a good person, Kyle," he said softly, "still visiting even though it's hard. If you ever want company I can just wait in the car, or outside. Just so you're not alone when you're done."
"Thanks," Kyle said softly as he looked up to catch Alex's eyes. "Maybe if he's having a good day you can come in and see him."
"I'd like that," Alex said quietly, "let's just take things one step at a time, huh? So first, let's get the house cleaned up and then we'll get some dinner and you can fill me in on all the shit that you're trying to repack."
He smiled a little, knocked Kyle's ankle with the broom and then turned away to go back to sweeping. The house wasn't going to clean itself, after all, and it felt good to be doing something practical.