Blake Belladonna (imnotrunning) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2019-04-20 16:22:00 |
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Blake hadn’t really pictured herself actually seeking out her ex-boyfriend to find some catharsis with herself and her past, but after she’d Dreamed of the confrontation between her and Adam at Haven, she’d had a desire to seek the same kind of closure in this life. Her ex-boyfriend in this life was different from Adam, in some ways he had been far crueler to her than Adam had been. But she felt strong enough and secure enough within herself to realize that she needed to say things that she’d been holding onto.
Of course, all of that would’ve been a moot point if her ex had still been a Scientologist, but after asking Colleen about it and finding out that he might have been labeled a Suppressive Person, there was a glimmer of hope that she could find him and actually talk to him. But looking him in the eye was the more important part of this. She needed to look at him and not flinch or show signs that he still had control over her. Abusers tended to have a way of controlling their victims with just a look and not having to say anything. Blake felt like it had been long enough and she’d both been in therapy and had enough encouragement from her friends to take this step.
The course of her Dreams also helped in bolstering her confidence and her desire to make her voice heard by one who had once silenced it. She felt a fire within her now, but it wasn’t the blazing fire that threatened to burn everything it touched. No, this was a controlled fire, one that gave warmth and strength to the one who needed it and burned anyone who tried to misuse it.
But of course, Blake was still anxious about the confrontation, which was part of the reason she’d asked Ruby to accompany. She wanted the moral support to help her take this step and to be there for her when she’d ultimately walk away for the final time. Though this time, she wanted to walk away with her head held high, not running away because she knew if she stayed, she would have died. The other reason Blake had asked Ruby was because she well knew she was the only person she knew that wouldn’t kill the ex on sight. Which was the opposite of the point of this.
Taking a breath as they neared where Blake’s ex would be, Blake stopped and looked over at Ruby, some anxiety written on her face. “Thank you for being here.”
When Blake had asked her to come along, Ruby had obviously said yes, of course. After all, they were friends and they supported one another. This was all way beyond things she herself was familiar with. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t emphasize with Blake. The fact that she wasn’t going to jump straight to killing someone tended to help as well. Even if this unknown ex of Blake’s was probably one of the very few people on a list of people Ruby actively disliked.
So really, had there been any other answer to give other than yes, of course she would tag along? Ruby certainly didn’t think so.
As Blake thanked her from being there, the shorter young woman just gave a small smile.
“Of course. Whatever you need me for here, you know I’m here for you.”
Blake had known Ruby would’ve agreed to go with her. That was the kind of person she was, after all. Whatever doubts Blake may have had had nothing to do with Ruby coming along and behaving herself and more to do with herself. But even those doubts had grown quieter after dreaming about the events at Haven and a second encounter with Adam.
She’d become stronger and more secure within herself during the time she’d spent in Menagerie with her parents and Sun and trying to help Ilia break away from the poison that Adam had injected into the White Fang. That strength was translating into her waking life, which was why she was even here to begin with. She needed to close this chapter of her life, to put the pain behind her as much as she could. Some parts of it would always be with her, the trauma and the pain inflicted would always lurk, but she was more able to deal with it now.
“I know, and I’m very grateful.” Blake gave Ruby more of a smile. She needed that calm, centering energy that Ruby had to help keep her calm. “If I try to run away upon seeing him, do your best to stop me. I need to stand my ground.” It was a very important thing to her, to be able to stand her ground and not flinch all the time.
After taking another few moments to take a couple deep, centering breaths, she gave a nod. “I’m ready.” Ruby could hang back or stay by her side, it was really up to her. Just knowing that Ruby was there was enough. It was just like Sun had been with her at Haven when she’d encountered Adam. She started walking towards the shop where he worked. If she was right, he should be heading to lunch at any moment, which was when she intended to approach him.
Even if Blake didn’t have faith in herself, those who cared about her did. Though Ruby understood that it was one of the things Blake was working on. Having faith in herself and that was because her ex had made her doubt herself so much…. But she had watched how Blake was coming into herself here and she had seemed much more sure of herself in the Dreams when she had shown up in the middle of the fight at Haven.
Returning the smile, the engineer gave a slight nod at the request.
“You got it. You try to turn back and I stop you. You can do this.”
Still, it wouldn’t hurt to reaffirm for Blake that she had this and soon enough she seemed ready and it was to the shop the guy worked at. Ruby wasn’t entirely sure what to do so while she didn’t stand right next to Blake since this was her fight, she was close behind as support and backup if she needed her. Otherwise, this was all Blake.
Ruby’s faith in her was one of the reasons she’d asked her to come along for this. Blake needed that right now, paired with the fact Ruby was the only person she knew that wouldn’t immediately attack her ex on sight.
And right as expected, shortly before getting to the door where her ex worked, he walked out of it. For a brief moment, Blake did freeze, partially because he did bear a resemblance to Adam, but only in the fact he had deep red hair and blue eyes. Otherwise, he was definitely not Adam. Taking a slow breath to push past the anxiety she felt try to rise within her, Blake stepped forward before Ruby needed to give her a nudge to do so. Before she could say his name, her ex turned and saw her, and he couldn’t help but to seem a little like a deer in headlights when Blake approached.
“So, did you finally come crawling back to me?” He asked, quickly trying to exert his dominance over Blake like he always had before. Only this time, Blake didn’t flinch or even look away, she held eye contact with him. And that seemed to unnerve him a little.
“No, I’m not here for you, I’m here for myself.” She responded calmly and yet with an undertone of strength.
“That makes no sense. Why come to me if you’re here for yourself?”
“Because I need you to hear me for the first and last time in your life. I need you to see me for the first time in your life.” Blake asserted, keeping eye contact with him and not backing down. “You may think that you broke me or turned me into something broken that no one would care about. And for a long time, I believe that was true. I believed I had no self-worth because you’d stripped that from me. You made me completely dependent on you because you didn’t want me to see you for what you really were.”
It definitely seemed like Blake was hitting a chord with him because he was definitely starting to look uncomfortable. Some people might have enjoyed seeing him squirm, but Blake didn’t. She wasn’t here to be petty and take joy in him squirming. She was here to show him she’d risen above what he’d done to her, and that she had a lot to live for.
“I’m not broken, and I never was broken. The best thing that ever happened to me was escaping both you and Scientology. You only wanted to push me down, perhaps even kill me or wish I’d kill myself. But I didn’t. I survived, and now I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be. I don’t wish any ill-will towards you, but I needed to tell you that you don’t control me anymore.” Yes, she’d always have some of the effects from the trauma he inflicted on her, but those things would never completely rule her life like they once had. “I have friends who believe in me and accept me for who I am. You never loved me, you only hated me. Someone who does what you did to me could never do those things out of love, they only come from a place of hate and envy. And I feel sorry for you that you only operate on hate and envy as opposed to love and acceptance. Love and acceptance gets you further in life. And that’s your lesson to learn, if you ever are able to learn it. Either way, I wish you well in life, and I can put your chapter of my life to rest and fully move on. Goodbye.”
With that, Blake didn’t even wait for a response from him, she turned and started heading back towards Ruby, keeping her head up though she was feeling quite a bit of emotion at the moment. But she wasn’t going to let it out here.
And her ex was looking like someone had just poked a hole in him because he was rather deflated-looking before he quickly scurried off somewhere.
Well he certainly looked like a jerk. But Ruby held back, though she did initially feel that she might need to nudge Blake forward, but she seemed to snap out of the momentary freezing and moved forward. Still, she Ruby could feel herself get twitchy at the initial reaction to him. Still, this was Blake’s fight and she was here as back up if she was needed.
But it was clear she wasn’t. At least in what needed to be said. Instead, Blake got to say what she needed, with no push back because the layers and smugness were pulled back and laid bare. Because she had come so far from where Blake had been when they had first met, from where the Dreams would make her falter because of the similarities.
Honestly, she wanted to cheer but that would be inappropriate so instead she remained where she was and just smiled to her friend once Blake turned around and headed towards her, though Ruby did look behind Blake just to make sure she was safe and saw the jerk scurry off. Good.
“You were amazing. Do you want a hug and then tea? Or just tea?” Ruby was flexible.
To her credit, Blake didn’t even try to look back. She didn’t want to because she was putting him and everything he’d done to her behind her as much as she could. There would always be lingering trauma no matter how long she lived, but she’d accepted that and wouldn’t let fear control her anymore.
Besides, if the guy was going to make a move to come after her, she knew that Ruby would’ve made a move to either attack the guy, warn Blake or possibly even both. So she was certain he wasn’t coming after her.
“A hug would be good, I think. Then tea.” Physical contact, however, was still going to be a big thing for Blake. She didn’t like people in her personal bubble without her permission, but Ruby was one of the few people that she actually fully relaxed around. And Ruby was probably the only person on the planet who could actually hug her on a relatively regular basis.
And with the consent given, Blake moved to hug Ruby.
Blake deserved to be able to move on with her life, to put all of that behind her. Yes it was hard, and yes she would still struggle, but it was an important step for her and Ruby was just happy to be able to help her in whatever way was necessary.
So as Blake gave her consent and then moved in to hug her, Ruby returned the hug. And once that was done?
“Let’s get that tea then.”