Alex Manes (notamanesman) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2019-04-19 01:28:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, alex manes, michael guerin |
Who: Alex Manes & Michael Guerin
What: Actual conversations, checking in after Michael's dream
When: 16th April, evening
Where: Michael's trailer
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, some swearing
Alex had waited a couple of days before dropping back to Michael’s place. He half thought that his company wouldn’t be wanted, after all, Michael hadn’t reached out and Alex was unsure if that meant that Michael needed more space or if Alex had somehow fucked up again by having to go home that morning. Either way, he figured that giving Michael too much space was the worst idea because who knew what he might end up thinking. And even though Alex was sure Michael’s dream was just that - a dream - he couldn’t shake the unsettling feeling that it might have been something else. After all, he’d had one the night before. He and Kyle had been building a treehouse with their dads, something that had categorically never happened but it felt real.
Stepping out of his car, six pack in one hand, Alex walked up to the door of the trailer. He’d purposefully waited until after five, knowing that was around the time that Michael got off work, so lifted his hand and knocked, hoping that he wasn’t catching Michael at a bad time. Hoping, maybe more accurately, that Michael was actually home.
There were things from Michael’s past that he simply didn’t think about - definitely didn’t talk about. It was easier that way. Yeah it probably wasn’t healthy to keep all the shit from his past bottled up. But it was the only way Michael knew how to deal. It’s not like he had anyone to talk to when it was all going down anyway. No one gave a shit about him.
But now. Now that was different. He had Max and Isobel… and Alex. Alex who had come over at 3:30 in the morning just to check if he was okay. Alex who was the first person that made Michael feel cared about, feel like he had a place in this world. So when he had shown up in the middle of the night, after Michael had a very real dream that brought up all his issues of not being wanted? Of course he had been vulnerable. He showed Alex the weakest parts of himself that he usually kept hidden away.
The next morning Michael was ashamed. Ashamed that he had been so weak and vulnerable with Alex. Hell he had almost cried even. Michael had no problems telling Alex how he felt about him. It was easy for him to be vulnerable in that way. He needed Alex to know just how special he was. Michael knew Alex had never really gotten that growing up. But when it came to be vulnerable about his past? His life? That was just something Michael didn’t do. So when Alex wanted to leave that morning, as much as Michael wanted him to stay, he had let him go. And had stayed away since, mostly because he just didn’t know what to say. Even though every part of him ached for Alex.
After work he just wanted to be alone. He didn’t even feel like going out to drink with Gaby. So that’s what he did. Went back to his airstream to drink alone. Where he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. But then there was a knock on his door. Who the hell was that? Sighing Michael got up off his couch walking over to open the door.
Alex.
He was back. Why was he back?
“Hey,” Michael said trying to sound as casual as possible - the walls that came crashing down the other night firmly back in place. “What’s up?” Walls up or not, he still stepped back to let Alex into the airstream.
Alex could tell he was being kept at arm’s length, the distance in Michael’s eyes was obvious, the forced disinterest and indifference that came along with him not wanting to be hurt again and though it stung, Alex knew he kind of deserved that. He lifted the sixer and gave Michael a tentative smile, moving closer and stepping into the airstream as Michael consented to his entrance by stepping back and to the side.
The inside was a little more disordered than the last time he’d been here, a few beer bottles on the side made Alex think that maybe he should have brought soda and food instead of beer but it was a little late for that. He felt his brow creasing, then furrowing, wetting his lower lip to look at Michael properly when he turned around, the six-pack being placed carefully on the side.
“Figured I’d check on you,” he said, carefully. “After the other night. Haven’t heard from you.” Just like before. Was he supposed to be taking a hint from Michael pulling away from him? Shit, what if he was? He rubbed his forehead and raked his fingers through his hair before he wet his lower lip. “Wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Michael’s heart twisted. Alex came to check on him. Because he cared. Something Michael seemed to have to keep reminding himself of. It was a new feeling, having someone care about him enough to come check on him - without any ulterior motives. Although his face softened slightly, Michael was still ashamed from the other night.
“You didn’t have to do that,” Michael said though he brushed past Alex to shut the door behind him. His shoulder briefly making contact with Alex. And as usual just that small touch was full of electricity.
“I can take care of myself,” Michael went on though he did grab two bottles from the six pack and handed one to Alex. His way of asking Alex to stay a while without using words. “I’ve been doing it my whole life.”
Michael’s words said one thing, while his actions said another. Alex wet his lower lip and accepted the bottle - along with the silent invitation to at least stick around for a drink - before he moved towards that couch they’d spent a good hour on the other night, just talking about Michael’s dream, touching on things that he hadn’t known about the other man.
“Doesn’t mean you have to shut off and deal with it all yourself alone,” Alex pointed out softly, using the edge of the counter to knock the cap off the bottle. He placed both cap and glass down, eyes on Michael. “Not when there are people who wanna be there for you.”
Michael wasted no time popping the cap off his beer. He took almost immediately. Needing to find comfort in something that wasn’t Alex.
Michael met Alex’s eyes. “People?” he asked that intense look on his face. Seeing all of Alex. The guy that had been beaten his whole life and still persevered. The guy that had demons of his own, from the war, from his father. The guy that had shown Michael kindness all those years ago and again now. He saw all of it. “Or you?”
Alex glanced up at the wrong time, immediately catching Michael’s gaze. There was something about the way that Michael looked at him that made him feel like he was stripped bare. Though Michael knew just a handful of what he had gone through - and the same was true in reverse, Alex had barely begun to scratch the surface of the horrors Michael had endured - the way he looked at Alex made him feel naked. The sensation wasn’t uncomfortable as much as it was… unnerving. Alex prided himself on being in control at all times, at knowing what was expected of him. Of what was going to happen next.
Michael took a lot of that away, made Alex feel like he was on shaking ground. He cleared his throat, running his thumb over the lip of the bottle and looking away again, lifting it to his lips as he replied, “Both, you know that.”
Michael set his bottle down. He was more interested in Alex at the moment. And why Alex couldn’t seem to look at him. Was it because of how he had broken down the other night? Did Alex see him differently now? Michael didn’t want to be weak. And he definitely didn’t want Alex to see him that way.
Michael shifted gears, that confident smile back on his face. “Yeah?” Michael asked stepping closer to Alex. He licked his bottom lip hand reaching out his fingers toying with the collar of Alex’s shirt. “And how exactly do you wanna be here for me, Private?”
Alex snorted into his beer and shook his head, ignoring the shudder that ran down his spine when he felt Michael’s fingers against his shirt and the low rumble of his voice when he said Private. He hated how quickly that word undid him.
“Guerin,” he started, affecting a calm front as he looked at Michael, though his eyes did a quick once over of his face, lingering on his lips. “I wanna be here for you for those- like the other night. I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone.” He knew what Michael was trying to do, and it was working but Alex needed Michael to hear this first.
Michael caught the way Alex looked down at his lips, causing Michael to bite down on his bottom lip briefly. His fingers continued to trace the collar of Alex’s shirt. Part of him wanted to just rip it off and have his way with Alex. But he was also hearing Alex. Hearing every damn word he was saying.
“I know,” Michael swallowed feeling that twisting in his heart. A clear sign that he was falling even harder for Alex Manes. If he… if he left again it would completely break Michael. He pushed those thoughts aside. Alex was here in front of him. That was what he had to focus on.
“I don’t,” Michael finally said eyes locking on to Alex’s. “Not when I’m with you.”
Alex remained still, partly because he knew exactly what would happen if he reached up and curled his fingers around Michael’s wrist. It was a habit that he didn’t want to fall back into because sex wasn’t enough. He wanted everything with Michael, which also meant controlling his own urges to lean over and kiss the smirk off Michael’s face when it sat on his lips, tugging them up at the corners or right now, resisting the urge to go and bite that bottom lip for himself.
If they were going to do this - whatever this was - they needed to do it right. And the other night and this? This was what was important.
He held Michael’s gaze, his lips curled up sadly in the corners. “But it’s not just me, is it?” he asked, “Guerin, you have other people that care about you to, don’t you? Max and Isobel?”
It wasn’t that Michael didn’t want everything with Alex - because he definitely did. It was just that he didn’t know how to do this part. Talk about his past. He didn’t like thinking about it, being brought back to that place of being alone. But he wasn’t. Alex was here, Alex was right here in front of him and he wasn’t going anywhere. Michael just needed to make himself believe it.
There was that smile on Alex’s lips. That sad smile. Like he was worried about Michael. And that wasn’t what Michael wanted. He bit down on his lip again, resisting the urge to just kiss that sad smile right off Alex’s face. But part of him knew… knew what a serious moment this was for the two of them.
His hand - still on Alex’s shirt, remained still no longer toying with the fabric. There was a flicker of sadness in Michael’s eyes but he blinked it away focussing on Alex Manes. How close the man was to him right now and not just in the physical sense. “I don’t want to talk about Max and Isobel,” he finally said giving Alex a small hint of what their relationship was like. “I’d rather talk about us.”
Alex felt his brows furrow, turning his head and lifting his shoulder just a little, so his cheek touched the back of Michael’s hand. It was a small gesture but it was big enough for Alex right now. This was good, communication was good. He wet his lower lip, “Why not?” he asked, only pushing a little. Sometimes, the worst things to talk about were the ones that really needed to be said. “We can talk about us too, Guerin,” he added, “the two aren’t mutually exclusive.”
“That’s all I do,” Michael said and despite Alex’s closeness right now there was still a hint of bitterness in his tone. “Max asks about Isobel. Isobel asks about Max.” And Michael was just there wishing the Evans would make the fuck up already.
Michael turned his hand cupping the side of Alex’s face, right along his jawline. “But you…” Michael’s voice trailed off not knowing how to finish that sentence.
Alex tilted his head into the touch, lips ghosting along the edge of Michael’s palm before he turned his head back to look up at Michael, fingers curling around Michael’s wrist, thumb against his pulse point. “But I what? Ask you about yourself? About the other people that are important to you?” It was distressing to know that Max and Isobel didn’t talk to Michael about Michael. He deserved better than that.
“Mhm,” Michael replied relishing in Alex’s touch. The way his lips felt against his hand for that brief moment. The way his hand felt around his wrist. Michael’s body was practically vibrating with energy - with everything Alex made him feel. “You,” Michael began eyes locking on to his. “You were the first person,” the only one really. “That made me feel like I have a place in this world.”
Alex’s expression shifted softly into something close to sadness. Not because of what Michael was saying but because that indicated that Michael really felt like he had no one. That was painful to hear, painful to know that Michael felt so alone that he felt like he had no one except Alex - who was definitely not the most reliable of people - to turn to. That he’d felt alone for all this time.
“Michael,” he started, voice cracking a little. “You don’t mean that.” He couldn’t. Not after everything.
Michael’s heart sank at Alex’s reaction. He was putting too much on Alex. It was going to scare him. Push him away. “You’re right,” Michael replied letting his hand drop. He took a few steps back. Picking up his beer again and taking a long swallow. The walls slowly coming back up. “Max and Is. They give me a place too,” he lied. But he had to. He couldn’t scare Alex away. He couldn’t lose him. Not again.
Alex felt his eyebrows lift in disbelief. He saw Michael pulling away, physically as much as anything else and he found himself leaning forward, chasing the contact. He reached out and curled his fingers around Michael’s wrist again, head tilted slightly as he ducked his head to meet Michael’s eyes.
“Even though they only ever ask you about each other?” he challenged quietly. “Guerin, I- I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” He wondered why that was so hard for him to believe. “I wanna do this right, y’know?”
Alex wasn’t letting him pull away, in any sense of the word. His hand on Michael’s wrist pulled him back. His words started to bring him back. Those walls were more like a broken fence now, with holes only Alex could get through.
It was so hard for Michael to believe because he’d never experienced it before. No one had ever really been there for him. Not his whole damn life. He was left alone to fend for himself and he was pretty damn good at it. But Alex… Alex did something to him. Made Michael feel things he never knew possible.
“What?” Michael asked though his tone had softened. “What do you want to do, Alex?” He stood frozen in place, Alex’s hand still on his wrist, Michael’s eyes searching Alex’s.
“This,” Alex said after a moment. He should have expected that Michael would have challenged him on what that actually meant but now that he was, Alex found that the words wouldn’t come to the fore. He wet his lower lip, brows creasing and arching in turn as he tried to work out what to say. “U-us. I wanna do it right.”
Us. Alex had said us.
They had never defined what they were. It didn’t really need defining. It was just there. An unexplainable connection. But still, hearing Alex refer to them as an us - it made his heart twist in his chest for about the tenth time since Alex showed up at his trailer.
Michael was torn. Torn between wanting to kiss Alex like he had never been kissed before and figuring out what exactly Alex meant. If it hadn’t been for the beer in his hand he probably would have gone for the kiss. He did set the beer down though, stepping closer to Alex again. “And how,” Michael replied his voice low. “Are we doing this wrong?”
Alex lifted his chin when Michael took a step closer to him, meeting Michael’s gaze head on. “Don’t do that,” he grumbled good-naturedly. He could almost taste the intention in the air. “Don’t think you can just kiss me and distract me from this.”
His hand waved between them, “This bit? This bit we’re pretty good at, but the rest of it? I- I dunno, Guerin, we just don’t know each other very well, do we? I- I don’t even know your favourite colour or what kind of movies you like to watch.”
Michael wasn’t trying to distract Alex. He did want to know what Alex meant. What he wanted. But when Alex was right there in front of him, looking at him with those big brown eyes, calling them an us, it was practically impossible for him to not kiss Alex. Michael licked his lips at the thought. But he wouldn’t. He’d talk. If that was what Alex wanted.
“Blue,” Michael answered a small smirk forming on his face. “Action.” He got it though. He understood what Alex meant. He wanted to know Alex too. All of him. The good and the bad. “Anything else you want to know?”
Alex let out a breath, rubbed the side of his face and raked his hand through his hair. He met Michael’s smirk with a slightly unimpressed look because he knew Michael was being facetious but didn’t want to call him out on this because it felt like progress. This felt good.
“I wanna know who you are, Guerin, outside of us being naked.”
“But that’s the best part,” Michael couldn’t help but comment. Smirk still on his face.
He had to admit though. He wanted to know who Alex was too. Michael wanted more than just sex with Alex. He wanted Alex. All of him. And if he wanted that, he knew he would have to give Alex all of himself too.
Smirk disappeared from his face as he tried to think of how to answer Alex’s question. The truth was he couldn’t. Not really. He frowned slightly, picking his beer back up and taking a long drink.
“Alex,” he began. “I don’t-”
Shit. He was really going to do this. He was really going to open himself up to Alex. Let him in to the parts of Michael’s life that he kept hidden from everyone else. “I don’t know who I am.” Michael sighed pulling away from Alex’s touch. He needed to sit for this conversation. He made his way over to the couch where he had opened up to Alex just a few nights ago, fully prepared to do it again.
Setting his beer down Michael rubbed his face with his hands before looking back over at Alex. He took a breath trying to figure out how to put it into words. “I-I can’t remember the first seven years of my life.” Something Alex already knew but that was about the extent of it. It was something Michael never talked about, never even thought about.
“I don’t know who I was,” he paused swallowing a lump in his throat. “Who my parents were. Hell I don’t even know if Michael is my real name.”
Alex collapsed back onto the couch again, close enough to Michael that as he settled their feet knocked together but distant enough that he could still see all of Michael as he spoke. He was quiet, waiting for the other man to piece his thoughts together. He opened his mouth to say something but shut it again immediately, just letting Michael work through what he wanted to say, silent but paying attention, focus wholly on Michael.
He nodded, moving like he was going to reach out but thinking better of it. He wet his lower lip, frowning a little, fingers flexing where they rested against his thighs.
“What- what happened when you were seven?” he asked, not entirely sure he wanted to hear the answer.
Michael rubbed his face again. There were reasons he didn’t talk about his past. He had so many questions that he knew he would never get answers to. It frustrated him. But most of all it hurt.
“Car accident,” Michael replied flatly. “At least that was what I was told. They died and I…” he paused again his anger growing. Mad at himself for not being able to remember. “Don’t remember a thing.”
Alex reached out this time and caught Michael’s wrist, thumb brushing along the inside curve over his pulse and he shook his head. “I- I can’t imagine how horrible that was for you,” he said softly, knowing that Michael didn’t remember his childhood but having no idea of the true horror that he went through. “Have you ever wanted to find out who they were?” There were probably records, Alex could find those easily enough if he had an idea of where to start looking. But sometimes looking for the answer wasn’t really the solution.
Michael’s skin warmed under Alex’s touch. It made him feel better in a way. Gave him the strength to keep going. “Sometimes,” Michael admitted swallowing again. “I just -” he paused looking over at Alex, eyes wide, face completely vulnerable. “I just try not to think about it.”
“I get that,” Alex said quietly, squeezing Michael’s wrist. “But- you can’t avoid thinking about it forever. That doesn’t solve anything in the long term.” Or so his therapist said. Since Alex was the champion of just shoving things into different boxes; compartmentalisation. “It helps to talk about shit like this. Even when it hurts.”
“I can’t, Alex.” This was the most he had ever talked about it and it was killing him. He didn’t know how to explain that to Alex. How hard this was for him. But at least now Alex knew. Like he wanted.
He took a breath calming himself. “So now you know who I am,” he finally said. “Still want an us?” He was trying to sound casual but there was part of him that was a little worried. He wasn’t a whole person. He was broken. Who would want that? No one ever had before at least.
Alex shifted closer, hand sliding up to catch the back of Michael’s neck, fingers burying in his hair and tugging him forward into a hug as his other arm lifted to wrap around Michael’s shoulders. “That’s not all of who you are, Guerin,” he pointed out quietly, “there’s more to you than just a kid who lost his memories.”
He sighed and added, because if he didn’t he knew what Michael would think, “Yeah, I do.”
Michael practically collapsed into Alex’s arms, needing that comfort more than he realized. There were reasons he didn’t talk or think about his past. His hand rested on Alex’s chest, feeling the beating of his heart beneath his shirt.
After a few moments of soaking in Alex’s comfort he looked up at Alex. “I want you to know me,” Michael finally said, the hand on Alex’s chest clutching onto his shirt. “And I want to know you.”
Alex’s eyebrows lifted. “You know me,” he told Michael, and though Alex - too - didn’t talk about what happened to him with his dad and brothers, or in the military, at least he’d had a family. He’d had people he could have turned to, though he didn’t. He wasn’t subject to the same isolation or loneliness that Michael had been. He hadn’t gone through half the horrors Michael had.
His fingers squeezed the back of the other’s neck gently, other hand lifting to brush Michael’s curls away from his forehead, though the gesture was somewhat futile since it flopped right back.
“What happened to you when you were a kid doesn’t define you,” he said, meeting Michael’s eyes, brows lifted in sincerity. “You’re not just the sum of your parts, you’re more than that.”
Michael did feel like he knew Alex. Yeah, Alex hadn’t shared a lot about his past. About his dad, about his time in the military. But he had shared enough, enough for Michael to understand him. Enough for Michael to know him.
Michael reached out for Alex’s hand, the one that had attempted to brush his curls out of his eyes. He pulled it to his lips placing a gentle kiss on his palm.
“You saying that for me? Or for you?” Michael questioned knowing Alex struggled with his past as well.
“For you,” Alex answered immediately, lips curling up into a small smile at the kiss to his palm. He wet his lower lip and tilted his head. “I get the feeling you don’t believe me.”
Alex was right. Michael didn’t really believe him. It was hard to know who he was when he didn’t know where he came from. But he had enough serious talks for the night. Michael was ready to lighten the mood.” Yeah?” he replied returning Alex’s smile. “You wanna make me?”
Alex chuckled, looking at Michael fondly as he rolled his eyes. He knew Michael enough to know that he shouldn’t push for them to keep talking, but this was a start, and it was something he could build on in his quest to get to know Michael better, to justify the strength of their connection.
“I dunno, Guerin,” Alex replied with an arch of his eyebrow and an upward quirk of his lips. “Feel like you might be a hard sell.”
Alex may have wanted to know more but Michael had already told him more than he had ever told anyone else. Maybe if this thing between them continued he’d tell Alex more. But for tonight he was done talking. Thankfully Alex didn’t push it.
“I guess,” Michael began a smirk forming on his face. “You have a lot of convincing to do.”
Alex didn’t quite grin but it was close. “You’re probably right,” he agreed. “And I think I’ll start,” he continued, getting to his feet, “by plying you with another beer.”
Not exactly what Michael had in mind but he’d take it. “Just because you get me drunk doesn’t mean I’ll spill all my secrets,” Michael replied grinning at Alex.
Alex did grin, that time, turning on the spot and resting his hip against the counter. “Maybe not,” he retorted, “but it’s a good place to start.”