Loki Odinson (maybesnake) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2019-01-20 07:43:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, loki odinson, thor odinson |
Who: Loki and Thor
What: After learning of his adoption, Loki seeks out Thor for information
When: Immediately following this
Where: Pub near Thor’s place
Rating/Warnings: PG, General angst, minor violence
Status: Complete
Really, Loki had driven with such frantic speed from his house to the pub where Thor said to meet that he was still in the process of catching his breath as his parked. His heart rattled inside his chest. He felt slightly dizzy. Under no circumstances was he fit to drive, but he needed to see his brother, see his face.
Loki pressed a hand to his clammy forehead. No. Not his brother. Not really.
Loki felt as if he might be sick from the tremendous role his stomach gave him at the thought. He had just been in contact with his mother, speaking over a video chat, explaining documentation he needed for work, certificates that were well past due. And she had just… She had just told him. Loki was not an Odinson; the certificates would contain records of his adoption. There were tears in her eyes as she said it, tears of regret for never telling him, for so unceremoniously telling him now, but his heart had not broken for her. Their conversation ended abruptly as he watched his father enter the room. She broke the connection, not Loki’s heart, and cut him adrift in favor of whatever it was his father needed.
All he had was Thor. Thor was older than he, old enough to recall an adoption. He needed to know what Thor knew and he needed to know it now.
Loki left the car behind and entered the pub.
Thor was thus far unaware of Loki’s crisis, though he could almost sense the shift in the pub when his brother entered. He turned, raising his glass in greeting, though his expression immediately became more subdued. He waited until Loki was near enough to ask. “What is it?”
Loki spotted his brother immediately, as always, and swiftly crossed the pub. He sat down, opened his mouth, and closed it again, tightly clenching his jaw. Over the table, he scratched deeply at his palm, one of his few ticks that came out when he was anxious, or sometimes when he was holding back his anger.
“I was just speaking with mother…” he began. “She said… I’m adopted, Thor.”
It took precisely three blinks for Thor to register what his brother was saying, and another blink before he realized that, somehow, Loki hadn’t known. Thor glanced to the side, then back at his brother. “I always assumed they told you. Years ago.”
Now it was Loki’s turn to blink. For the second time today, he could not believe was he was hearing. “You knew?”
Thor nodded, trying to give Loki a reassuring smile. “I found out when I was eight. Father swore me not to say anything. When we were in High School I asked him to tell you, and he said he would.”
The smile faded. “Of course, he would have lied. Or I am misremembering the conversation.”
There were two drinks on the table. Loki assumed one of them was the beer Thor said he’d have waiting, so he pulled it close to himself. He stared into the glass and processed what Thor had said. “...And what? You never followed up? You didn’t check to see if I knew and if you could talk to me about it?”
“Does it matter, brother?” Thor shook his head. “You’re my brother, blood or not. Some bonds are stronger than that, some families have no blood bonds at all. You are Loki, my brother, and that is what matters.”
But he remembered his dreams and Loki’s reaction in them and added, “But… I can see now that you would want to know. For your own benefit.”
Did it matter? fumed Loki. Of course it mattered. Right now, it mattered more than anything. But how could Thor understand? He was the golden son. The sun shined on him and cast a wide shadow on Loki. He tightly clenched his glass, still not drinking.
For decades Loki had worked off his ass trying to get a fraction of the attention his brother received from their father. He had given up dreams, gone into a field he grew to loathe, all to impress and unmovable man. The slightest misstep was met with cruel, cold distemper, while Thor seemed to get free pass after free pass. Yes, how could Thor understand?
“For my own benefit?” Loki snapped at last. “Oh yes. What has our father ever done to benefit me? Makes perfect sense now.”
Thor let out a heavy sigh, glancing down at a drink that now suddenly tasted bland and horrible. “I meant, that it would have benefited you to know you were adopted. And that I should have pushed the issue farther. I am sorry.”
He looked again at his brother. “But you are still my brother, Loki. This changes nothing for how I feel about you.”
Loki took a drink. It tasted horrible to him, too, but he pretended it was medicinal. He felt like an exposed nerve. “Maybe not. But it changes everything else,” he said bitterly.
Tapping his finger on his glass, Thor tried to find the right thing to say. Something to comfort or make it better. This, coming now, when he was certain Loki would start to dream? It boded ill. The last thing Thor wanted was for Loki to fall down that cliff. He loved his brother, and he didn’t want to fight him. “Mother still loves you like she gave birth to you. And father, he wouldn’t have taken you in if he wasn’t willing to love you as his own!”
Loki’s vision blurred. He moved the back of his hand to his eyes, wiping away tears before they fell. He hated how rage and desperation mingled so easily within him. He hated his penchant for crying.
He didn’t want to comment on what Thor said. Maybe it was true, but Loki didn’t want to think about loving his parents; he was too busy hating them right now. Instead he asked, rather innocently, because he wasn’t a mind-reader, “Am I adopted in your dreams, too?” He could not begin to grasp the significance of the question.
“Loki…” Thor reached out, to touch his shoulder, to steady him. His throat bobbed as he swallowed, but tonight he wasn’t going to lie to his brother. It just required a delicate touch.
Which Thor did not have, not in this. “Yes. Father found you, newborn, cast aside by the Frost Giants during the war with them, and brought you home as his son.”
Loki blinked, this time in confusion. “Frost Giants? Thor, what… What the hell are you talking about?” There was still a distinct waver in his voice, with a crescendo toward the end, as the his understanding of who he was swiveled yet again.
Thor grimaced. There was no way to show or prove it. “In my dreams we are aliens, responsible for what humans on Midgard, Earth, viewed as their gods. The ones we are named after here.”
Loki wished the alcohol wasn’t already seeping into him, because his brain suddenly felt too smooth. “But in Norse mythology, Loki and Thor aren’t brothers. Raised as brothers, I mean. Loki isn’t even known as the God of Mischief. He’s just… crazy.” He laughed grimly.
“Some differences, yes. Our magic is advanced science.” Thor shrugged his shoulder. “And I dream of meeting superheroes on Earth. And of a beautiful Earth scientist.”
“Of course you do,” quipped Loki, sounding a bit more like himself, but far from laughing about any of this. His heart and brain still felt like they were on fire. He took another drink, a long one. “I just can’t believe I’m finding out now, that no one told me. I always hated that I didn’t measure up, in father’s eyes. Now I understand why.”
Loki finished his beer and slammed the empty glass on the table.
“Loki! It’s not like that at all!” Thor swiveled towards him. “You measured up! You always have!” He thought of being banished in that other world. Of choosing to join Doctors Without Borders instead of taking a cushy hospital job. He might be the golden son, but golden sons had higher expectations.
Loki looked at his brother as if he was truly insane. Again, the rage inside him rushed to the surface. Thor didn’t understand. Thor could never understand. He wasn’t convinced he had ever truly tried.
“You don’t have any idea what it’s like to be your brother,” Loki hissed, stepping down from his seat. “Good. Now I can stop trying.”
“Loki, that isn’t fair.” Thor got up as well, reaching for his arm. “And if you think father always approves of my choices, you’re wrong.”
“Father allows you to make them, that is the difference.” Loki swiped away Thor’s hand with his quick sweep of his forearm. “Me, he doesn’t trust I can be told I’m not even his child.”
“Have you stopped to think that it’s not a matter of not trusting you, but because you are his child?” Thor slammed his fist onto the bar hard enough that a small crack extended from his hand. “Family is not just blood!”
They were drawing attention to themselves, now. Loki’s eyes drifted from face to face and he felt himself cool, somewhat. He had no desire to fight Thor, but his words rang too hollow to stay and listen. “Maybe not. But you’re not the one who just found out he’s not blood, now are you?”
With that, he turned away.
“Loki.” Thor reached out again, but didn’t take his arm. “Whatever you believe, whatever you think, you are still family.”
Loki cast one final glance over his shoulder, cold as ice, and pure fire within. He left without another word. He did not know where he was going. He just needed to be anyplace else.