Who: Chloe and Rachel What: A goodbye When: Today Where: A park Warnings: Some language otherwise pretty tame
Rachel had wanted to talk to Chloe in person. She didn’t know how she was going to break the news, but she knew she had to. She knew she couldn’t repeat her past mistakes. But Chloe had Ilia, and didn’t want her, and Rachel didn’t trust herself to not fuck that up for Chloe.
Because she’d been thinking about how to do just that since she’d learned the news.
And then she’d gotten lucky. Life changing kind of lucky and she’d be a fool to pass up that kind of opportunity. So maybe it could work out best this way. At least as long as she didn’t pull a Max and ignore texts.
So she waited for Chloe in a park, swinging on a swing set and letting the wind flow through her hair.
Chloe may not have a direction for her life to go in yet, but she had something she hadn’t really had since her dad had been alive: stability. She had a job, even, and was doing what she could to save up so she could stop imposing on Jaina. Besides, now that both her and Ilia were together, it would be nice to have her own place to hang out with her. And she had Rachel in her life again.
So all in all, things were good. Chloe was happy, but that was also the first warning sign to her. Her being happy never actually lasted. The other shoe always dropped, and that was without her depression coming into play. But she was going to do her best to ignore the fact that something may eventually happen to ruin everything.
She went to meet Rachel, spotting her on the swing. She took a final puff from her cigarette before she tossed it away.
“Hey there. Do you want a push?” She asked, motioning to the swing that Rachel was sitting on.
“Yeah, sure,” Rachel said, glancing at her and kicking her legs in the air. She suddenly didn’t know how to break the news to her, though she hoped it wouldn’t be so far away that she couldn’t visit. In fact, she promised herself then and there that she would. At least once she felt like she could look at Chloe without feeling like her heart was an open wound.
Chloe smiled and went behind Rachel. She grabbed the chains of the swing and pulled Rachel backwards a bit before she gave her a push. “Been a while since I’ve been on a playground like this.”
“Feels like an eternity,” Rachel admitted, turning back to glance at her and trying to ignore the way that smile felt like being stabbed in the chest. She looked ahead instead, knowing everything would be easier without looking at Chloe. How could she do this and expect Chloe to believe her promises? She’d only have to try.
“Guess we just haven’t been in touch with our inner children or some shit.” Chloe quipped. But Rachel was correct, Chloe wouldn’t believe the promises. Max had made promises to stay in touch, and it was creeping up on six years since she’d last heard from her. But for the time being, she was oblivious to what was to come and was just focusing on hanging out with her friend.
Rachel let herself be pushed, swinging her legs as she tried to go higher and higher. To soar above the way her life had gone and the darkness that had consumed her. Her hair flowed behind her and she let herself be lost, eyes closed. “Something we should fix.”
Chloe let Rachel swing herself and she moved to the next swing and sat down on it. She started to swing herself. “I’d be down for that.” After all, coming to Orange County was like a new beginning for her. She was free from her asshole of a step-father trying to control her. She was free from constantly disappointing her mother with her existence. Here, she was feeling like she could make a place for herself. Maybe not enough to actually finish school, but she knew enough about cars that one day if working part-time wasn’t enough, she could find another mechanic job. So long as someone gave her the chance, of course.
“About that,” Rachel said, opening her eyes so she could look at Chloe. “I…after Moulin Rouge finishes. I.. there were talent scouts. I got an offer. A legit one, not the garbage with my ex. I…. haven’t accepted yet. But I think I might.”
“Seriously?” Chloe asked, looking over at Rachel and smiling. “That’s totally awesome! I’m happy for you because you totally deserve it.” Of course, it wasn’t yet clear to her that it meant Rachel would be leaving, but either way she’d still be happy for her to have this opportunity.
“Yes, seriously.” Rachel stopped swinging her legs and let the swing come to a stop. She was excited, but it was dampened by the fact that she had to move. Which was terrifying in its own right. “But if I accept it, I have to move. It’s only like 40 miles, but it’ll make seeing each other a lot harder.”
And she knew that Chloe wouldn’t trust her to actually text and call often until she did.
Of course, the instant Chloe heard the word move, her mind instantly went to when Max had said she was moving. And then never kept in touch. “Oh. I mean, it’s still a good opportunity, right?” Chloe was trying to not be petulant and be more supportive of Rachel getting the opportunity. But she just knew that it would result in losing yet another friend. Sometimes she wondered why she bothered getting close to people because they always inevitably left her.
“Yes, it is. A chance for roles, big and small. And there’s a theater too, so I can still do that. But…” Rachel nodded, as if predicting where Chloe’s thoughts might go. “I don’t want to leave you, Chloe. You’ve had enough of that.”
Chloe’s swinging slowed until she came to a stop. She glanced at Rachel. “Yeah, well, it’s the story of my life. People leave.” She did somewhat wonder in the back of her mind how long it would be until Ilia left, but that was just her abandonment issues talking there.
Rachel frowned, looking at Chloe as something flashed in her eyes. “It’s not like it would be another state. And I won’t have an abusive asshole stealing my phone.”
And she wouldn’t be dead. A dream she’d had a long time ago of seeing Chloe and that girl and kept to herself. And would always keep to herself.
Chloe looked over at Rachel. “No, but they’re still similar promises to ones Max made to me, and then broke.” Even without the dream of Max telling her she was moving, Chloe still vividly remember all the promises her former best friend had made to her. It still hurt deeply that Max hadn’t cared enough to talk to her, and she knew she should stop caring about it, but she couldn’t.
For a moment Rachel considered staying. Giving up on her dream, the conflict raging in her eyes like the burning of a bonfire. She licked her lips, eyes boring into Chloe’s, searching for a reason to stay.
Wanting a reason to stay.
“Chloe, I…”
She looked at Rachel, seeing that conflict in her eyes. And as much as she was afraid that Rachel leaving meant she was leaving and going the way of Max, she knew she couldn’t be so selfish as to make Rachel stay. After all, it was her dream. Just because Chloe herself had no dreams of her own didn’t mean she had to go shit on other people’s dreams.
“You should go. I mean, it’s your dream, and a chance of a lifetime. I want you to follow your dreams. I shouldn’t be selfish enough to want you to stay and potentially be bitter about it for the rest of your life. You deserve better than that.” It didn’t mean she liked the thought of Rachel leaving, and it didn’t mean her abandonment issues wouldn’t rear their ugly head. But she could at least try and be a decent, selfless person for once in her life.
I love you Rachel wanted to say, but that wound was still too fresh and too deep, and almost entirely her fault for being so slow. And Mark’s fault too, may he die a painful death.
“Lets get Skype, or something,” she said, finally. “That way you can flip me off still.”
Had the timing been different, and Chloe hadn’t met Ilia, who knew where things would have gone. But that was neither here nor there currently. Chloe was trying to be supportive and understanding instead of letting herself completely give in to her insecurities and fears.
“Careful, I might start to think you like it when I flip you off,” she teased lightly.
“Fuck you,” Rachel said, smiling at her, chewing on her lip and looking out into the rest of the park as she figured out what she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it. “You’ll tell me what you dream about still, right?”
Chloe managed a little chuckle at Rachel’s response. She took a breath and tried to just focus on the fact that Rachel was here now. But the full weight of Rachel leaving would hit her later on. “Yeah, of course. Last I dreamed, I took all the blame for us skipping school and got myself expelled. Guess I suck at school in both lives,” she joked with a nonchalant shrug of her shoulder.
Rachel smiled wryly. Then looked down at the ground, smile fading. “It’ll get better. If my dreams are any indication. But then it…”
Her fingers gripped the chain as she struggled with telling Rachel or not what was coming for them. The thing that had made her drink herself into oblivious for two days. Finally, she decided on the right words. “I’ll leave you too, but it won’t be of my own free will.”
Chloe glanced over at Rachel, taking a slow breath before responding after what she was told about the dreams. “I had a feeling. I mean, everything else in the dreams so far happened in this life. So. I’m kind of operating on that.” Though there would be a very drastic change in the path of her dreams in the future that she would never see coming.
Nodding, Rachel decided to not tell Chloe what she thought would happen. It was the only thing that made sense. Deer? Max? A grave? Whatever.
“That me was a fuck up too,” Rachel admitted. “But she was doing everything she could to get the money to get us out.”
“So am I, but I don’t own up to it. It’s easier to blame everyone else.” At least to a point. And Chloe hated blaming herself. She preferred lashing out at those around her when she was upset with herself.
Slipping off of the swing, Rachel came over to Chloe and hugged her from behind. A little too tight, a little too possessive. She buried her face into Chloe’s hair. “I have to do this, Chloe…”
When Rachel came over and hugged her, Chloe felt her throat tighten with emotion. But she didn’t want to start crying. She refused to cry where anyone else could see her cry. She took a slow breath. “I know,” she responded a little quietly as she closed her eyes. She leaned back against Rachel a bit.
Rachel held her like that for a bit, taking careful breaths so as not to start crying herself. “I didn’t want to disappear on you again. You deserve better than that.” Better than her, if Rachel was honest with herself.
Chloe took it in, and was also taking some careful breaths so she didn’t get overly emotional. She didn’t exactly do overly emotional well. Mostly she tended to just get angry and lash out to hide what she was really feeling. “Thank you, I do appreciate that. I don’t think I could take anyone else disappearing on me or giving me the silent treatment.”
“I can’t promise I’ll be able to call you every day, but expect lots of texting and selfies,” Rachel assured her. “And keep an eye on the tabloids, I’ll be sure to make a splash.”
And she could drive down sometimes, she decided, once she’d settled in. Falling out of contact with someone in 2018 was a lot harder than it was even five years ago, not without a lot of effort to do so.
Chloe gave a little snort. “You’ll always make a splash wherever you go. I wouldn’t expect anything less.” She wasn’t going to touch the topic of Rachel keeping in touch. She’d just wait and see what actually happened there. Chloe was going to try and keep this civil despite the fact she felt like Rachel would go and meet more interesting people and forget all about her. After all, that’s clearly what Max had done.
The only thing that Rachel had going for her was that she wasn’t Max. She would have to rely on that.