Blake Belladonna (imnotrunning) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2018-12-13 23:41:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, blake belladonna, colleen wing |
Who: Colleen and Blake
What: Running into each other again.
When: Early October
Where: Outside a cafe
Warnings: Mentions of abuse, otherwise fairly low
Blake was starting to feel a little better about things of late. After she and Ilia had talked things out about what had happened in their dreams, she was more at ease on that front. Her anxiety wasn’t quite as bad recently as it had been. Though she didn’t know if that was due to her dreams giving her a break in terms of being traumatized (though she could’ve done without the whole betrayal and being threatened with being handed over to Adam, but that went without saying), or the fact that her real life was largely anxiety free.
Even so, she was still wearing an oversized top. Blake hadn’t yet made peace with the scar on her abdomen that Adam had given her. She needed to work on that, and just how she generally viewed herself. But she had larger issues to tackle first.
She was just coming out of a café with tea in hand and a book in her purse. She planned on heading to the park and reading for a while under a tree. She didn’t have a planned reading picnic with Ruby, but she still wanted to be outside for a while. However, she nearly ran into someone as she exited the café.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” she apologized quickly.
Colleen was…. Well, she was Colleen. She had a lot of anger inside. Anger at herself for being tricked and believing what the Church of Scientology told her even as she knew that growing up that way basically meant that she was bound to have believed it given the fact it had become all she had known. But she was mostly angry at the Church itself. Angry for the lies. Angry for the fact she wasn’t speaking out, she was still being targeted for harassment and they were interfering with her work because she had been in Sea Org and then she had run away. Anger wasn’t something she was supposed to focus on and there were good things in being out.
Like access to information and books and so much more. She knew that if things kept as they were then she would have to go find some cage fights to make some money to pay the bills for the upcoming month but right now that wasn’t on her mind. No, Colleen had picked up some books for herself and had been going to a nearby cafe to get something to drink before finding a spot to read.
Or that was the plan until she was run into.
“It’s fine--” And that was when she placed the voice and stepped back, eyes widening some, “Blake?”
She looked okay. Well besides the oversized shirt, something she was familiar with from the past and her ex and what it meant and that familiar anger rose again but she pushed it aside because she was more shocked by running into the girl she had helped to escape.
Hearing her name, Blake’s cat ears twitched under the bow. She looked at the other woman, just as surprised to see her. “Colleen?”
So eloquent, really. But she was caught by surprise. After she’d escaped Scientology with Colleen’s help, she hadn’t expected to see her again. After all, Colleen had been Sea Org. Scientology didn’t take it lightly when a member of Sea Org left the church. And almost as soon as that realization hit her, so did some of the anxiety that they might be watched right now. She tried really hard to not look over her shoulder, but her anxiety was starting to spike.
“I didn’t expect to see you again.” She took some slow breaths, doing her best to remain calm. It was definitely good to see Colleen, though. She was forever grateful to her for helping her get out. And she’d missed her.
Colleen didn't seem to notice the ear twitch though she did notice the shift on body language as realization dawned. Not that Colleen could blame her. She well knew she was being watched. Maybe not at this exact moment but it was always in the back of her mind.
“Me either, though I'm not going to complain. It's good though see you again. You're doing alright?”
Colleen hadn't know Blake was in the area and her parents hadn't heard from her when she had gone to see them so she had worried. Though it seemed that Blake was fine all things considered.
It was a good thing that Colleen didn’t notice the ear twitch, Blake didn’t want to try and explain that away right this second. Besides, she didn’t even know if Colleen would Dream or not, so she wasn’t going to even touch on the level of crazy that happened here.
“Yeah, it’s definitely good to see you again. And yeah, mostly. I have a therapist that’s helping me work through the traumas from when I was in the church. And I’ve made some friends that don’t think I’m weird, so there’s that.” Blake managed to resist the urge to look over her shoulder. “How are you doing?”
Colleen looked good. Blake hoped that the church wasn’t making Colleen’s life a complete hell. She certainly hoped that Colleen being here meant she was out of Scientology. And it would be really nice having someone else around that understood the crap that went on in the church.
While Colleen wasn’t sure how she felt about therapy - old habits and all - she wouldn’t begrudge the fact that it was helping Blake. Because it had been clear that maybe if the church had believed in it, maybe things wouldn’t have been so bad. Well no, it probably would have been bad and if the church was against it then it probably wasn’t so bad but it would take time before she even considered it for herself. And even that wasn’t a guarantee.
“That’s good. I’m glad that you have friends.”
Colleen didn’t, but she had her students. At least the ones who hadn’t been scared away thanks to the people who would show up to yell things about her at the Dojo or the website that would influence parents if they were looking her up.
“I’m alright. Running a dojo now, so that’s been good. Able to actually help people.” Unlike the lies they were told in Scientology about how to help people.
That had been difficult for Blake, to accept that therapy wasn’t evil, but she had desperately needed the help. It had also helped that her therapist had said she’d take donuts as a form of payment since Blake didn’t have any money. But she’d settled into it, and it was helping. Of course, she didn’t always like taking the medications she was on, but it helped better control her anxiety, and until she got a better hold on that, it was what it was.
“I’m glad that you have a dojo. Maybe I could come take some classes there.” Blake wanted to mention that she could potentially even teach a class, but she didn’t want to explain the abilities she’d gotten from Dreams yet. So maybe having some place that she could go and workout in to help keep herself in shape would be a good idea. Plus it would give her a reason to keep in contact with Colleen.
And she also had a feeling that Colleen could also use the familiarity herself. It wasn’t easy adjusting to how the world actually was (Orange County crap aside, of course). But perhaps Blake could help Colleen.
Who knew, perhaps one day Colleen would get to that point, but for now she was fine. Or as fine as one could be after spending their entire life in Scientology. The questions and doubts that came up thanks to the ingrained teaching. The inability to connect and the judging on why people reacted the way they did. The anger. But at least the anger was something she could fuel into the cage fights she did when she was in desperate need of money.
“Yeah, you definitely should if you want to.” Colleen wouldn’t turn Blake away. Even if she couldn’t pay her or at least the normal rate, she did want to make sure she was okay and in the end, she taught martial arts so people could defend themselves. Or for kids so they had somewhere to go instead of the streets and ending up in gangs.
Of course Colleen had no idea what was in store for her in regards to Orange County. But she still did appreciate the fact that there would be some familiarity as well.
Getting over the Scientology programming was definitely not easy. Blake still had issues with it now and then, but it helped having friends that hadn’t been part of it. It helped her learn how to better function in the actual world. And she wanted to help Colleen with that. But it also really helped having someone else around that understood the crap that happened within Scientology. No amount of explaining what it was like was the same as actually having experienced it for one’s self.
“I definitely do.” Colleen could probably guess at least one reason why Blake would like to learn martial arts, and she definitely wouldn’t be wrong. Blake liked being able to fight her own fights, something she’d been grappling with in her Dreams. And standing up to her abuser was definitely high on her list of why she wanted to fight.
“Anyways, I don’t want to keep you if you had somewhere to go. But I was going to head to a nearby park, did you want to join me?” Blake would also ensure that she gave Colleen her phone number before they parted ways. She definitely wanted to stay in touch with her, regardless of whether she’d end up on the network or not.
It wasn’t all that hard for Colleen to figure out one of the reasons Blake would want to take lessons and she couldn’t say that she blamed the younger woman. Being able to fight one’s own fights was important. It was something that she had always believed in, before Scientology and during it. She might struggle some with interacting with those who weren’t her students (even then she was more of a ‘tough love shove the baby birds out of the nest’ type sensei, she also genuinely cared about them and wanted to help them and give them a place where they didn’t have to fear being abused), but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t offer the place.
“Sure. I’d like that.”
It wasn’t like she had anywhere else to be at the moment. And it would be nice to reconnect with Blake more. Because maybe it would help in its own way. She didn’t necessarily feel that she needed the help, that she was fine, but on some level she knew maybe she did. Besides, letting herself just have that time to rest for once…. Well, that was something she needed to work on and let herself do.
“Lead the way.”