Blake Belladonna (imnotrunning) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2018-07-17 15:01:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, blake belladonna, ilia amitola, ruby rose |
Who: Reading Rainbow and Ladybug
What: Ilia’s gotten Blake out of the house and convinces her to talk to Ruby
When: May 12, after this
Where: The park
Warnings: Relatively low, but some of the same anxiety and issues stemming from abuse warnings as were in the first part.
Status: Part 2 of 2
Leaving the house was somewhat easy, mostly driven by not wanting to get caught by Logan yet. Though she also wanted that tea, though being in the cafe was more than a little difficult. It made her feel on edge being around people again after a few days spent alone in her room. But once tea was acquired, it was walking.
“Thank you for the tea,” she said after taking a sip of it. Blake definitely felt a bit anxious being out and about like this. Maybe because of the possibility of running into Yang. Though she was also fairly certain if Ilia spotted Yang before Blake did, the younger faunus would direct her elsewhere.
Getting out of the enclosed space of the cafe was easy enough once the tea was had. If Ilia had thought Blake would have been comfortable waiting outside without her there as a buffer, she might have suggested it. As it were though, it was only a few minutes of being uncomfortable before they were outside and walking towards the park.
“Yeah, of course.”
Blake was right though. If Yang were out and about near them and Ilia noticed her, their course of direction would change without her breaking a sweat or bringing attention to it. She may seem calm and relaxed (at least in terms of Ilia), but she was still aware of their surroundings to keep that from happening.
Blake definitely didn’t feel comfortable enough being left alone outside. Chances would’ve been that she might’ve run away to some place where she felt more comfortable. But as it was, she’d tried to just stay focused on Ilia while they’d been inside. Now that they were outside, it was better. She was still edgy, but that was to be expected considering everything.
She glanced up at the sky. It was nice to see the sky from something other than through a window.
“So how about walking somewhere with fewer people?” Not that it was crowded where they were, but Blake could use some open space with enough room to bypass people as needed.
“That we can definitely do.” Ilia was more than happy to walk somewhere with less people. Yes, she knew that it wasn’t actually all that crowded but if Blake felt like it was then they would find a less populated place to walk.
Which was the park. Plenty of open space, not too many people there at the moment. So it seemed to be a good compromise. Especially since it was easier to bypass people in a park than it was on a sidewalk.
It felt less stifling being in a park as opposed to being on a sidewalk. There was plenty of room to avoid others if necessary. But as there weren’t that many people in the park, it was fine. She sipped at her tea as they walked. It hadn’t even occurred to her that this was the park that she and Ruby frequented for their reading picnics.
Blake fell silent, not really having much to say at the moment. She was just going to enjoy her tea and the company.
It really was amazing how much difference being on grass could be compared to the sidewalk. Both were outside but it was just easier to handle the space if that was what you were looking for. Well, if you let yourself at any rate, that was also always a problem. Thankfully Blake seemed content to be aware of that and it helped.
While she hadn’t been planning on them running into Ruby, she was a bit more aware of the fact that this was the park the two did their reading picnics at and had known the girl had been showing up since Blake told Yang she needed space. For now she wasn’t going to say anything, especially as they were coming up to the tree that the two usually went to.
Grass was definitely better than concrete, but that’s not what Blake was thinking about. She just liked the open area and being able to avoid people as necessary. It was also a nice day out, so she was focusing on that as well as the company.
At least until it rather suddenly hit her that this was the park she and Ruby frequented. Blake wasn’t sure why she’d suddenly realized it, but she glanced at Ilia for a moment before she looked over to the tree that she and Ruby usually sat under. And Blake promptly stopped walking because she spotted Ruby sitting under the tree. It simultaneously scared her and broke her heart a little bit to see that Ruby had still come to the park despite what she’d done to Yang.
“Maybe I should go back.” And now it was making excuses to get out of there before Ruby saw her.
Well that was expected but Ilia wasn’t going to have it. Because really now. She understood that Blake was worried about how it would go but she couldn’t run forever no matter what she wanted to do.
“Or you should talk to her. It might actually make you feel better. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you always seem calmer after you’ve spent time with her.”
Blake looked at Ilia, inwardly wanting to run and hide at that moment. “Well yeah, Ruby has that effect on people.” Because there wasn’t any other reason for it aside from the fact Ruby didn’t judge her or put expectations on her that she felt she had to live up to.
“I just don’t think I’m ready to face her.” More like she wasn’t ready to face the fact that Ruby didn’t actually hate her for hurting Yang.
Maybe Ruby did just have that effect on people, but it didn’t change anything and if it helped Blake calm down? She was all for it. And Ilia was picking up on that fact, and already had really. And well now that they were there? She was going to call it out.
“Why? Because you’re afraid she’s going to hate you? Or is it because you’re afraid she’s not going to hate you?”
And there it was, she couldn’t ignore it anymore. Blake sighed heavily. “I’m afraid she’s not going to hate me.” Maybe Ruby shouldn’t hate her, but Blake didn’t understand why no one seemed to hate her, even when she’d just up and left in the dreams. Yang should hate her for leaving, even if it was a fight-or-flight response to her trauma, she’d still left. Ruby and Weiss should at the very least be upset with her.
But Blake’s brain wasn’t exactly a logical one, even if people should be upset with her for leaving. It was all she’d ever done, run away when things got bad or she couldn’t handle it anymore. And, well, she kind of did want to run away right now instead of face the prospect of Ruby not hating her.
Well at least she got Blake to admit it out loud. Wasn’t that part of dealing with things? If you could name it you could tame it or some sort of self help shit like that? Whatever. It was still a good thing that Blake could admit to what the actual issue was.
And if Blake wouldn’t be logical, Ilia would be. Or she could be annoying, she was thinking annoying might work.
“I mean, I could start singing Talk to the Girl… sha la la la la la ain’t that sad, it’s such a shame, too bad, you’re gonna miss the girl, go on and talk to the girl, go one and talk to the girl.”
And because Ilia was Ilia, she started to move as if dancing or swaying to the music. If she had to embarrass Blake into talking to Ruby, she would.
Yeah, admitting something was the first step in trying to work past it. At least typically anyway. But admitting it was something where Blake was concerned. But then Ilia started singing and moving to the beat of her song, and that was just highly embarrassing. And she definitely wanted Ilia to stop.
“Okay okay, if it’ll make you stop singing, I’ll...go over there.” Blake didn’t know what to even say to Ruby other than ‘I’m sorry.’ She took a deep breath, feeling a knot of anxiety forming in her stomach as she looked at Ruby. She felt guilty, and she didn’t think she deserved to talk to Ruby. But before she decided to run away or before Ilia decided to sing and dance again, she took another deep breath and started walking over to Ruby. Each step made her heart beat faster, but she at least kept moving towards Ruby and not away from her. She came to a stop a few feet away from Ruby.
“Um...hi…?” She asked cautiously. And despite the fact she always tried to keep her cat ears from moving when in public, they most definitely drooped in shame.
And singing worked! Grinning some, Ilia nodded and watched as Blake headed to go talk to Ruby. It wasn’t like she was going to leave her completely alone. She simply found a place to settle down and call Chloe while keeping an eye on Blake and Ruby to do a quick rescue if it seemed to be necessary.
As for Ruby? Well. She was confused and the migraine had been consistent since she’d gotten Yang’s drunken texts. She’d already been overwhelmed with school and everything she had learned about her mom being alive, her attempts to see if she could find a way to let her remember the family and come back…. But nothing worked. Then what she had worried about finally came to be and all she could do was wait. Plus apparently getting migraine medicine didn’t count as Weiss’ retail therapy thing so there was apparently clothing shopping to be had.
But she also wanted to be there for Blake. If Blake wanted her to be. There was the part of her that worried that Blake had only stuck around before because of the team and while they had talked about a lot, bonded and got to know one another here for who they were since they didn’t have as much one on one interactions in the dreams. But after never really being used to having friends, she couldn’t shake that small voice of worry.
So she went to the predetermined reading picnic spot each day since Yang had told her about Blake leaving, wanting to believe that her friend would show up just as she did in the dreams that Blake would come back. It would be on her time because she knew that was important for Blake and so was trying to focus on her reading even as the headache was making it hard to.
Feeling a shadow fall on her, Ruby looked up and she couldn’t stop herself from visibly brightening up when she saw that Blake was there, even as her ears drooped beneath their bow.
“Hey…” There was still the uncertainty about everything, but Blake was there and came to talk to her and that had to be a good sign.
The last thing Blake wanted was to add to Ruby’s problems. She didn’t want to be a burden, but she definitely felt like one. Blake also didn’t want to put Ruby in the middle, having to deal with both her and Yang with what had happened, so she wasn’t planning on staying overly long. Just long enough to apologize and show Ruby that she was still here. Or something.
Though maybe she should’ve showered or done something to make herself look less like shit. Because she probably looked like she hadn’t slept much and was obviously not okay by any stretch of the imagination. Though seeing how Ruby brightened when she saw her made her feel all the more guilty and she dropped her gaze to the ground.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt your reading. I just...wanted to say hi, and that I’m sorry. For everything, really.” Sorry for Hurting Yang, for pulling away from the team. Everything. “I understand if you’d rather I leave and not talk to you again.” After all, it wasn’t like she hadn’t left before in the dreams. She’d understand if Ruby didn’t want to see her or something. But that was her irrational mind given she knew Ruby had dreamt past when Blake had run away after the fall of Beacon and yet Ruby had still wanted to see her and spend time with her.
Ruby was going to worry no matter what, she’d already been worried because she could see how things were bound to play out. She was team leader and she they were her friends and sister and no matter what, she was just going to worry. Nothing was going to stop that.
“It’s okay. I figured I’d read here and if you wanted to join me you could.” Because it was Ruby. Of course she wasn’t going to be bothered by Blake coming to talk to her. This was their spot, it was where they often spoke about things because they always ended up back there.
“I know you are…. But you don’t need to apologize.” Because no matter what, someone was going to end up hurt and Ruby was pretty sure if Blake had tried to just ignore her own feelings and anxieties, everyone would have ended up hurt in some way. “Are you okay though?” Because she didn’t look okay. And okay it wasn’t like she really knew how Yang was since she hadn’t really come home but right now Ruby’s concern was Blake.
This was where Blake still had trouble dealing with people, when she was just accepted and not turned away because she’d done something. Of course she hadn’t done anything bad, but she really felt like she had. She felt like she’d let everyone down and broke up the team for a stupid reason. Even if the team wasn’t broken up, it was just missing her for the foreseeable future.
Still, it was enough that whatever anxiety she’d felt in first coming over to Ruby wasn’t exacerbated. Ruby did tend to help her calm down, at least when she let her be so. At the question, Blake wanted to say she was, just to avoid getting into specifics, but she knew her appearance and general behavior would give her away right away.
“No, I’m not. I locked myself in my room for the past three days. Ilia finally convinced me to come out of my room.” Blake said, crossing one arm across her body and lightly rubbing her other arm.
While Blake may still struggle with the fact that people weren’t going to hate her because she had done nothing wrong, that didn’t change the fact that would still be the case. Ruby understood it, she had honestly been expecting it and anxious about when it eventually would happen. But they understood and Blake had their support.
She did notice that Blake didn’t seem as tense anymore (as did Ilia from where she was keeping tabs on the conversation, just as she had expected) and that was reassuring. Just as was the fact that Blake didn’t try to lie about how she was doing. It was upsetting that Blake had felt the need to lock herself in her room for three days because of everything that had happened just as Yang had been away and...probably drunk if her one text was anything to go off of. But it made sense.
“I’m glad Ilia convinced you to come out.” Tilting her head to the side some, Ruby brushed her hair behind her ear, “Do you want to sit? You don’t have to if you have somewhere else to go or anything but...if you want to…”
Blake doubted that Weiss understood or supported her in this, but that was mostly from the fact she didn’t actually talk to her outside of team stuff here. She hadn’t known where Weiss was in the dreams, and knowing her feelings on the Faunus in the dreams and how they’d gotten off on the wrong foot here, that was a source of stress that she didn’t need. So she’d just avoided Weiss as much as possible given she had way too much else to worry about. But she wouldn’t blame Weiss if she ended up hating her or something.
“I’m pretty sure that if she hadn’t, she would’ve broken down my door to make sure I was still alive or something.” Considering she hadn’t eaten anything in that span of time and all, that would’ve been a necessity eventually.
“Sure,” she said as she stepped closer and sat down. “I don’t have anywhere else to go. I’m not exactly overflowing in friends or social commitments.” And Blake liked it that way. She didn’t mind not having a ton of friends, if only because she didn’t do well with larger numbers of people around.
Ruby wouldn’t have been able to blame Ilia for breaking down Blake’s door if it got to the point where it was unknown if Blake were even alive. It sort of came with the territory and caring. Still, she was glad that it hadn’t gotten to that point and that it just took convincing so she nodded som.
And oh yay, Blake sat down. Ruby had worded the comment about sitting in such a way as to give Blake a way out, the possibility of having somewhere to be so she wouldn’t feel pressured but she still did miss her and wanted to make sure her friend was okay.
“It’s not always a bad thing.” Some might think so but what mattered most to Ruby was knowing that those you considered friends were really there for you and you could have that with either only a few or a lot. It just depended on the person. She was in the former category.
Blake wouldn’t have blamed Ilia for breaking down her door either. Of course, she might’ve been upset about it and resisted coming out even harder than she had, but she wouldn’t have blamed Ilia for it. And she was just glad that Ilia had convinced her to come out before Logan broke down the door.
She did appreciate being given an out, but she was okay with staying since clearly Ruby wanted her there. Sometimes she still couldn’t wrap her head around that concept, that people actually wanted her around for her as opposed to what she could do for people.
“No, it’s not. And I rather prefer having a small number of friends. Less social anxiety.” Blake responded. She didn’t like being in large groups of people, and she could manage people better in small numbers. Very small numbers, really.
Of course Ruby wanted her there, but she did understand that sometimes Blake didn’t always get that fact. But that was why her friends would remind her of that when they needed to. In their own ways, this just happened to be Ruby’s.
“Yeah, I definitely get that.”
She was doing better at the making friends thing. And she was good being around said friends. But put her in front of people or around a lot of people, especially without someone she knew to stick close to and it didn’t always end well.
Sometimes it was frustrating to Blake that she didn’t get that, but she just needed some time in that respect. One day it would hopefully sink in and override her current set of beliefs about herself. But that would be quite the uphill battle, but she wasn’t shying away from it. She just sometimes had her days when she needed to lock herself in her room, and days when her demons won over. But with persistence, things would get better if she kept working at it.
And Blake was definitely appreciative of Ruby’s friendship.
“How are you doing?” She wasn’t trying to change the subject, she just wanted to know how her friend was doing. And maybe it would also help her relax more if they didn’t only talk about Blake’s problems.
The important thing was that Blake was willing to put in the work to overcome what she had been led to believe all her life despite the difficulty. That she was ready for that and not afraid when it could seem easier to just let things remain as they were.
As for how she was? That was always a complicated question given Ruby repressed a lot and just didn't talk about things all that much.
“I'm okay. Lots of school since I graduate next month. But it helps knowing that you're okay.” She was team leader, and Blake was her friend. Of course she worried. “Weiss mentioned something about retail therapy but apparently getting migraine medication doesn't count.” Shrugging, Ruby continued, “So she said she would show me how it's supposed to be done so that I take a break in studying.”
It was definitely going to be hard, but Blake was tired of letting things remain the same. She knew that she wasn’t able to continue living the way she had been, and she wanted to live, wanted to know how she fit in the world. Most of all, she wanted to be her own person, not the remains of what her ex had made her into.
“I know you’ll come through school with flying colors. You’re really smart, and things will work out.” Blake said with a little smile. “But I’m glad that knowing I’m okay helps.” Well, Blake wasn’t exactly okay, but she was out of her room now and that was a step in the right direction.
“No, that doesn’t count as retail therapy. But at least Weiss is doing that for you. And if I could help you at all, just let me know.”
Ruby smiled at the comment on how things would work out. She had absolutely no doubt about that. And she knew that Blake wasn’t completely okay. But she was out of her room and she was talking to her and while there was a lot she needed to do, she also knew that Blake had would get it figured out even if it took a lot of time.
“I guess I still don’t really get the whole thing but...oh well, it’s something to do.” That was Ruby though. She may not really want to interact or meet people, but she was always happy to try new things. Especially if it was something a friend recommended.
There was a lot to figure out and work through, and Blake still wasn’t completely ready to face people. But she could be there with Ruby. In fact, she was starting to somewhat forget that she was even outside and in the open.
“I don’t blame you there. I don’t exactly understand retail therapy either.” Then again, Blake had never been one for material possessions. She could go shopping, but she rarely bought more than what she needed. Of course, she had some things she didn’t need, but she never went overboard about it.
It had never made much sense to buy things she didn’t need. Okay so sometimes there were things she probably didn’t need to buy but since it was super new in the tech world or she was working on a project, Ruby was thus able to convince herself that she did in fact have an actual need for it. And books and music. Those were probably not necessities but still!
“It seems a thing a lot of people get but...I don’t mind not getting it. I mean, that’s life. We know the things we do and some things might not make sense even when others think they should be universally understood.”
Ruby was used to being confused by things people assumed to be completely normal.
Alright, so books were about the one thing that Blake tended to indulge in buying, but she couldn’t help it. Books may not be strictly necessary, but she loved them. And they tended to help expand her mind as well, so they had a function other than just being things she bought that took up space in her room.
“I agree. Everyone has things they do, and so long as they aren’t hurting other people, to each their own.” That was what Blake believed, at any rate. She brushed some hair away from her face. “And sometimes such things are necessary to take our mind off of stressful things for a little while.”
“Exactly.” Because really. So long as people weren’t hurting others or the environment and it made them happy, was it really so bad? Really, who was Ruby to judge. But she did prefer her books and music, especially on the days when she started getting overwhelmed and even building something didn’t help.
“Yep! And just because it might not be absolutely necessary for one person doesn’t mean it can’t help someone else.”
“Exactly so.” Blake wasn’t one to poke her nose into places where it didn’t belong, so she tended to live and let live.
As she sat there, she realized that she had calmed down quite a bit. Her anxiety wasn’t sky-high anymore. She took a breath, and looked at Ruby. “I have to say, I feel a lot better just sitting here with you, than I have in a while.”
Ruby did tend to be more inquisitive and unable to let things go once she knew something, but she also was content to let others live their lives so long as they weren’t hurting others.
Ruby herself felt that some of the tension was alleviating now that she knew that Blake was okay despite everything that had happened a few days earlier. She was still worried, but she knew they were at the part now where it would just take time and healing and working on things. All she could do was be there for both Blake and Yang.
Still, she smiled at the second comment.
“Well. I’m glad I could help then!”