Blake Belladonna (imnotrunning) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2018-07-17 14:56:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, blake belladonna, ilia amitola |
Who: Reading Rainbow
What: Ilia has been camped outside Blake’s door, and finally talks her into coming out.
When: May 12
Where: Logan’s Home for Faunus
Warnings: Mentions of abuse, patterns of bad behavior stemming from said abuse, extreme anxiety
Status: Part 1 of 2
Blake hadn’t come out of her room in the days since she’d had The Talk with Yang. At first, it had been due to the anxiety attack she’d managed to swallow until she got back home. But as time went on, it was more about feeling absolutely horrible about pulling herself off the team. Logically, she knew it was for her own mental health of needing to not be around Yang until she could work through some of her problems. But she definitely wasn’t thinking logically. She’d gone against her programming to stand up for herself and tell Yang she needed distance while she tried to work through her issues as best as she could. That alone had been nearly impossible to breakthrough, but she’d done it.
And to be honest, after her anxiety attack had subsided, most of the following twenty-four hours Blake had spent sleeping.
After that had all started to settle, Blake then couldn’t help but to wonder what Ruby thought of her now. She really did think Ruby would hold it against her for hurting her sister. Yes, Ruby didn’t hate anyone or anything, but sometimes when a sibling was hurt by someone, didn’t the other sibling get defensive of them? So she’d basically not called or texted Ruby, and she hadn’t gone to meet her at the park for a reading picnic either. She felt she didn’t deserve it, and that she wouldn’t be wanted there.
By this point, Blake was well aware that Ilia was sitting outside her door. Her door was locked from the inside, but she’d propped a chair under the handle as well, for good measure. Mostly to give her some sort of sense of security that if the door opened, it would be by Blake’s choice and not by someone breaking in.
Currently, Blake was sitting with her back against the door, knees pulled up to her chest and arms wrapped around her knees. She felt a very odd sense of comfort knowing that Ilia was on the other side, even if she didn’t want to come out yet.
And thus was their stand-off entering a third day.
Ilia had been worried but had given Blake her space. Mostly. She’d taken to sitting outside the other faunus’ room and randomly just talking to it with whatever thought came to mind. Not a lot, but sometimes. Other times she would talki to Jin-Wei, or text Chloe about her Blake watch.
Currently she was actually laying on the ground outside Blake’s room, legs up against the wall as she played with her phone.
“You know, I’m getting ready to start singing Do You Want to Build a Snowman….”
Because really, it was the perfect song for waiting outside the door of someone who refused to come out.
“Do you wanna build a snowman, it doesn’t have to be a snowman…”
Oh god, Blake thought at the song. Of course, it wasn’t lost on her that this was definitely a similar situation to what had happened in Frozen. Nevertheless, Blake’s cat ears flicked to attention and she glanced over her shoulder briefly.
Did she really want Ilia to burst into the full song?
“You don’t have to start singing, you know.” And that was the first thing Blake had actually said in response to Ilia. But she also wasn’t opening the door yet.
While Ilia might not seem the type to know Disney movies, let alone the songs, well…. She’d had younger foster siblings and was thus far more familiar with Frozen and the song than she really ever wanted to be. But if she could utilize said knowledge to get to Blake and get her to stop hiding? Well, she’d call it a win.
And she got a response! Smirking in victory, Ilia stopped before she went into the next part.
“I mean I guess not, but you weren’t talking so….”
“Yeah. Talking wasn’t something I wanted to do.” Blake said with a shrug, not that Ilia could see it. Her cat ears drooped and she drew in a slow breath.
“You don’t have to stay outside my door, you know. I don’t want to keep you from anything important you might need to do.” Because of course to her, there were far better things to do than spend three days sitting outside of her room.
That, however, didn’t mean that Ilia could come in or that Blake would come out. Because Blake wanted to keep the door shut and keep the world out.
“Fair enough.” But that didn’t make it any less a situation where singing Do You Wanna Build A Snowman was an accurate reaction. Besides, while she figured Blake at least had water in there, there was the whole a person couldn’t survive three days without water. So she was just going to be there. Waiting.
“I know. But this is what’s important right now.”
It was to Ilia at least, whether Blake saw it or not.
Again, her cat ears drooped and she pulled her knees closer to her chest when she heard Ilia’s response about what was important right now. She felt terrible about that. Being the center of attention wasn’t exactly something that was comfortable for her.
“I don’t deserve it, but thank you.” Blake deserved to just stay in her room. Sure she knew that food and water would eventually become necessities, but she didn’t exactly care enough about any of that right now.
Her demons hadn’t exactly been kind to her the past three days.
And Ilia rolled her eyes. Vaguely she wondered if Blake could hear said eye rolling but she didn’t really bother to ask. Instead she just set her phone to the side.
“Or I’m exactly what you deserve and that’s not a good thing.”
Sitting up, Ilia sighed as she shifted so her back was against the door.
“Look, I get it. Your brain is doing it’s oh no I am the worst person ever thing, but that’s why I’m here. To remind you that you’re not and it’s just your brain being stupid.”
Somehow Ilia had a feeling she’d be repeating that a lot today. But hey, she was getting words out of Blake.
That was definitely something that Ilia would need to repeat quite a bit today. Blake wasn’t exactly thinking logically currently. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“Yeah, it is. I just feel like I let my friends down. I know I needed to be honest with Yang about how I felt, but why does it feel like I did the wrong thing? Why couldn’t I have just sucked it up and found some other way to handle it?” Blake pressed her lips together tightly for some moments. “I know Yang wanted us all to be a family, but I can’t be what she wants me to be. I’m not that person. I’m just a fucking broken thing. Yang deserves better. Ruby deserves better.”
It was obvious that Blake was in a lot of pain, and that her brain was being stupid. But she definitely needed to voice it to get it out and in the open where it could be dealt with.
Well it was certainly a good thing that Ilia didn’t mind repeating herself. Not when it was something she believed and this? This was one such thing. She wasn’t going to let Blake’s brain win this round. Not now and not ever.
And she was getting insight into what actually happened. That helped. Because while Ilia had been able to tell whenever Blake would spend time with Yang based on how tense she was, she hadn’t known why Blake locked herself in her room. She had blamed Yang because it made sense but now she at least had the context.
“Because sometimes the things that need to be done suck and doesn’t make things automatically better. But clearly if you could handle being around her without always being tense and agitated after the fact, it wouldn’t have been needed. You can’t be her friend in the long run if you’re always tense now. And if she wants you all to be a family, then she should be able to let you figure yourself out so you can get to that place instead of trying to force it on you now.”
Shrugging, Ilia looked up at the ceiling.
“You’re not broken or a thing and fuck anyone who says you are.” She would break their fucking teeth if they told Blake she was broken. “And you deciding if they deserve supposedly better just because your brain is being stupid doesn’t mean it’s your choice to make. They get a say as well. Just like you do in if you’re comfortable or not.”
The teen knew that Blake voicing these things was important though. It was better than letting it fester. And Ilia would be there to counterpoint the arguments so she could let herself move on to work on her issues so she could get to that point of being able to be friends with Yang again without the constant tension.
Context and knowing what had happened was probably a good thing when it came to trying to help in this situation. But even as Ilia had counterpoints, Blake’s brain had counterpoints of its own to make. It was probably the beginning of an endless circle that they’d be dancing around for a while until something gave.
“Aren’t I broken though? I’ve been beaten physically and mentally. I’ve been raped. I’ve been mindfucked. I don’t actually know how to function in the non-cult world. I’m just a worthless coward.” Honestly, it was amazing that she’d made friends at all. She’d had three friends, Ruby, Ilia and Yang. Logan didn’t count because he was a father-type. And Harley didn’t count because she was her therapist.
And right now Blake was down to two friends since she needed the distance from Yang. Or maybe it was even down to one friend since she thought Ruby would be mad or disappointed in her or something for hurting Yang the way she did.
Blake buried her face in her arms as she was crying now. It was audible enough, even being muffled by her arms and the door, that Ilia could hear it.
Okay, probably should have seen that one coming. And Ilia got it. She did. There was plenty to make someone think they were broken and Blake clearly had a lot of shit to work through. But she still held her belief that Blake wasn’t broken. No matter what her brain was telling her. So she just sighed but didn’t move from her spot.
“No. You’re not. Shit happened to you. Horrible shit that you’re still working through and figuring out how to get function in this shit society. But that doesn’t mean you’re broken. And even if you call yourself a coward, you faced something that terrified you, speaking up for yourself. You did what was hard instead of the easy thing of ignoring it and that’s pretty brave to me. You’re figuring yourself out. So what if you don’t respond exactly the same as others or the way someone wants you to. You’re you and no amount of your brain being stupid is going to change that. And if I have to repeat that everyday until it sticks, then fine. I will.”
This entire situation wasn’t fair to anyone involved. But the person who it was the most unfair to was Blake. She hadn’t had a choice in how to grow up, she’d been born into Scientology and that was the world she knew. She hadn’t been strong enough to say no to her ex when he’d started hurting her because she’d seen similar things happen to some of her friends, and when they spoke up, they were told it was their fault.
Blaming the victim. That was what Blake knew, and that was a large part of why she was blaming herself so much right now. It felt like it was her fault, though logically, it wasn’t her fault. It was her ex’s fault. It was Scientology’s fault. And the fact that Ilia was still outside her door, talking to her and doing everything she could to convince her that it wasn’t her fault meant everything to her.
She didn’t vocally respond right away, mostly because she was crying, but at least the crying was something to tell Ilia that she was still there and hadn’t decided to jump out the window and run away or something. But after a minute or so, Blake sniffed a bit.
“Maybe if you say it enough, I’ll eventually believe it.” She wiped at one of her cheeks with the back of her hand. “God, this is a shitstorm. I just want to be able to be a good friend to people, but I can’t even do that right now.” Mostly because of the whole needing to tend to herself first for once instead of putting others first.
Ilia was taking any signs she could get in regards to how Blake was doing. So while she didn’t quite know what to do besides what she was doing by sitting outside the door and just talking, she took the crying as the sign it was. That Blake was still there, and even that some of her words seemed to be sinking in. A feeling that was verified after Blake’s first comment.
“Good thing I’m stubborn then.” Which meant that the teen meant it when she said that she would more than gladly repeat it until Blake believed it. Obviously she wanted to. As for the rest of her comment?
“Well. It’s not like you can actually be a good friend to people if you’re just going through the motions and not taking care of yourself as well. People who truly care about you get that.”
It would take a lot more to convince Blake she wasn’t the worst person in the world, but the work she’d done with Harley wasn’t completely in vain. Blake knew that Ilia was right, and some of what she said was sinking in. It was sinking in enough to prod her to talk and want to give Ilia signs of life.
“True, though I was trying to take care of myself. I just...couldn’t go on trying to ignore Yang’s feelings for me and the effect that had on me.” Blake sniffed and let out a heavy breath. “Ruby must be upset with me for hurting her sister. I don’t blame her if she is. She doesn’t deserve to be caught in the middle like she was.” In Blake’s mind, she was now starting to wonder if she was down to one friend, but she wasn’t going to vocalize that particular thought.
Ilia knew that so long as Blake had people to remind her that she wasn’t the worst person and could get her to at least listen? That was at least a good step in the right direction. They could work with that. And it was clear the older woman did want to work on this so that also helped.
“Sometimes that happens. It’s just...life. You can’t ignore it forever, especially if it makes you doubt their intentions and question everything because then you’re back where you started. If you can get to a place where it’s not so much an issue, where you can separate the two - your friendship and Yang’s feelings. Well.. then you can be a friend for her. Right now it just isn’t possible.” She shrugged, even though it wasn’t like Blake could see her.
“Life rarely is fair so yeah, it sucks she’s in the middle. But you should probably give her the chance to decide if she is or isn’t instead of just assuming what her reaction is.”
That was the thing, Blake did want to work through her problems and try to be as functional of a person as she could be. She well knew she’d always carry her triggers, and she’d never be completely over what she’d been through, but she wanted to be better. Blake wanted to prove her ex and Scientology wrong, that she wasn’t weak and that she could stand on her own two feet. And standing on her own two feet was intensely important to her. She didn’t want others to take her pain from her or do the work for her because she was the only one who could. And she needed to prove to herself that she was strong enough to do it herself.
“I just hope that Yang can understand that.” Blake wasn’t entirely certain that she’d explained herself well, given she’d been fighting off anxiety the entire time she’d been talking to Yang. But even so, she needed Yang to understand that she needed to be able to separate the two. Blake still wanted to be friends with Yang, but right now it was impossible for that to happen. And it would take time for her to get to that point of being able to separate the two.
“I don’t know if I can face her to find out,” she admitted. Blake wasn’t exactly afraid of Ruby, but she was afraid of the possibility that Ruby would somehow blame her for what Yang was going through. But she was also afraid that Ruby would want nothing more than to hug Blake and help her if she could.
“If she actually cares about you and not just the image she painted in her head? Then she’ll understand. Maybe not at first but if she actually gives a shit about you as you, once the hurt passes, she’ll understand. And if she doesn’t...well, that’s on her.”
It sucked but they couldn’t control the way people reacted or felt or responded to something. At the end of the day, there was only so much that could be done.
“I get it. But I’m pretty sure the longer you prolong it, the worse it could get since that gives more time for worries or anxieties to form…” True, Ilia didn’t see Ruby as the type to hold onto something once she was given information. But it was still true. Prolonging it wouldn’t help and would just make it work.
“I hope that will be the case,” Blake responded. Though she wasn’t so certain about that. Some people never got over heartbreak, and Blake feared that she’d broken Yang for good. Blake sighed heavily and rested the back of her head against the door.
Sometimes she wondered why her life was so difficult, and why she’d had to suffer things that people shouldn’t have to suffer. But when it came down to it, Blake preferred to be the one suffering as opposed to those she cared about.
“True, but Ruby’s got enough to worry about right now. She doesn’t need to worry about me.” Even if Blake was certain that her distance would cause worry just as much as Ruby actually seeing her would make her worry. And Blake knew Ruby was dealing with a lot from the dreams. Sure, she didn’t exactly know what Ruby had gone through after Blake had run away, but she was fairly certain what happened when Beacon fell still weighed heavily on her friend.
“Yeah. Just remember at the end of the day, it’s on her to decide if she gets it or not.” It was true that some people never got over heartbreak but that didn’t make it any less true that Blake couldn’t just magically make Yang understand and if Yang didn’t? Well..that was Yang’s issue, not Blake’s beyond the fact she lost someone she considered a friend because friend just wasn’t enough for some people.
Ilia often wondered why her life was so difficult and she hated that Blake had gone through so much shit. But there was that one part of her that pointed out that without all of the shit they’d gone through, they’d be completely different people. Maybe not the time to bring that up. But life experiences did tend to form a person and who they were, even if it seemed pointless and full of pain at first glance.
“Ohmigod, your ego….is so massive.” Which seemed counterintuitive to how little self esteem Blake had. But it did go hand in hand. She thought she was worthless and undeserving while also feeling like her single actions had all these massive effects. “I don’t know how you manage it.” Shaking her head some, Ilia then rested it against the wall.
“She may have a lot going on,” Ilia sure as hell didn’t know what the girl was going through, “And she may be ridiculously naive and idealistic, but she’s not an idiot or oblivious either. You just deciding to peace out in some attempt to keep her from worrying is going to make her worry more than if she knows how you are. And again, we’re getting into the you taking away her choice to decide how she feels about everything by making the decision yourself to hide away from her because of your guilt.”
Her cat ears drooped at Ilia’s response. Ilia was right, of course, but this was exactly what Blake did. She ran away from things. And, really, she’d run away from Ruby, Weiss and Yang once before in the dreams. But of course, that had been in response to watching her worst fear come true in front of her eyes, and she’d felt that the only way to protect her friends was to leave so that Adam couldn’t hurt any of them again.
By all rights, they should hate her for leaving, just like she thought Ilia hated her for when she left the White Fang. Or maybe she just thought she was a coward and giving up on what the White Fang stood for. But that was a conversation to be had once Ilia actually got to that point of the dreams.
If Blake was still here, of course. Because she was suddenly feeling like she should’ve actually run away after having talked to Yang instead of coming back here. She suddenly felt trapped in here, and she didn’t respond well to that feeling. Blake didn’t respond to Ilia, instead she got up and moved over to the window in her room and opened it, leaning her hands on the sill and she hung her head, trying to take in slow breaths of fresh air.
“Fuck,” she cursed under her breath. “Why do I always do this?” Blake felt that Ruby and Ilia deserved a better friend than her, especially since all she did was just leave them in the dreams without a word. “I’m just so fucking tired of being a problem and a burden, and I’m tired of feeling this way. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel anything because at least I wouldn’t hurt all the time.”
Even with her position of sitting outside Blake’s door, Ilia was also paying attention to the noises within the room to make sure that the cat faunus didn’t do something drastic. So she was aware of the moving around even as she remained silent.
“You’re not a burden or a problem, Blake. And yeah, maybe what I’m saying sounds harsh but you know I’ll never bullshit you. It’s not my style. Your brain is just being stupid and I’m going to point it out. You’re taking it all on yourself because you were conditioned that way and it scares you and hurts when you push against it. That’s not your fault. Just like it’s not your fault you feel that way. But if you want to stop feeling that way? You’re gonna have to push past it and not give into the easy answer of shutting people out, or running away. You already did the hard thing in standing up for yourself and what was making it hard for you to work on your issues. That’s a good first step. And sure, not feeling anything would be fucking great. But then what are we? Feeling things makes us who we are even when it fucking sucks.”
Blake let out a little sigh and she gazed out the window. Ilia was right, the only way to stop feeling this way was to push through it. She closed her eyes, and focused on her breathing for a few moments.
“And who am I? What am I? I know I’m definitely not who I dream of being. I used to be just a possession and a toy. I don’t know what I actually am without someone to tell me what I am or what I’m supposed to be. It’s why it would be so easy to conform to what Yang expects me to be from the dreams. I could pretend to be that Blake, but it would be a lie, just like my entire life was one big fucking lie. And clearly I can’t put up with living a lie anymore.”
This suddenly felt like a therapy session, but Blake had long been grappling with questions over who she was without someone telling her who she was, how she should act and so on and so forth. Taking the reigns of her own life was scary, and she did wonder if it was already too late to discover who she was. And this whole question just made her wonder even more why Yang loved her. What was there to love outside of how she was in the dreams?
“I can’t answer that question, that’s what you’re figuring out. But it’s not a bad thing to not be the exact same person as you are in the dreams.” Ilia was pretty vocal about that fact whenever it came up. After all, she was well aware of how their life experiences ended up framing who they were and while sure, there was something to be said about the core of the person beneath it… you still wouldn’t be the exact same. “Exactly though. Yes. It might be easy but it would be a lie and it’s not fair to anyone for you to live a lie like that.”
Ilia really didn’t mind if this turned into some therapy session. Yes, Blake had her therapist and who knew if these questions came up. But if they did, perhaps the encouragement would help if it was from more than one source. And sometimes you just needed a friend who could see things from different perspectives, who you knew cared about you and wanted what was best for you - even if it came out rough or not what you necessarily wanted to hear at that moment.
“You figure out who you are by finding a way to live your life. To make your decisions and what you do. Sure it’s all a mess and complicated right now, but you just...keep finding those answers and eventually you will be comfortable with yourself. Don’t know how long, but it is possible.”
These sorts of questions did come up during her sessions with Harley, but it definitely didn’t hurt to hear responses from more than one person. Reinforcement went a long way with Blake, especially considering she needed some behavioral therapy to help deprogram everything Scientology, her ex and Adam had programmed into her. Some days, she seriously felt like a robot.
“Doesn’t there come a point when you’re too old to figure out who you are? Most people my age already have a grasp of who they are. At some point it doesn’t seem like it’s worth all the trouble to figure things out.” Blake sighed heavily. “I mean seriously, what is there to love about me in this life? I don’t exactly have much to offer anyone. I like books, sometimes I’m funny, but beyond that? I don’t have anything to offer or attract people. Not that I want people to be attracted to me because the thought makes me nauseous.”
Blake shuddered. “Sorry, forget I said that, I’m getting off the topic at hand.” She sighed again. “I shouldn’t dump all of this on you. You aren’t a therapist or a mind reader.”
Well Ilia was definitely good at doing reinforcement in terms of telling Blake things she needed to know. She might not always know the answers because they were Blake’s to figure out at the end of the day, but she could definitely point out when Blake’s brain was betraying her and being stupid and telling her what she needed to hear as opposed to what she might want to hear.
“I don’t think so. Pretty sure people are constantly figuring that out.” She heard older people talk about starting over. Usually about jobs, but if they just figured something out about themselves…. Well, that was still part of learning and growing. “So I don’t think it’s ever too late to figure things out.”
And then they were getting into more deeper things.
“You’re compassionate, willing to help a stranger because someone showed you kindness and you want to repay it. You’re wanting to figure yourself out and are brave to get through what you have and also to try and figure out who you are even when it’s terrifying…. You might not see it but you have plenty of qualities that you just need to remember.” The comment on the idea of people being attracted to her did give Ilia pause but maybe not now to delve too much into it. “But these are qualities that make people want to be your friend as well, that just make you a good person, and not limited to attraction. I don’t know Yang beyond meeting her once and seeing her on the network so I can’t answer for her, but you’re you and one of the very few people I would consider trusting as a friend even before the dreams. At least that’s how I see it.”
Then the apology.
“You don’t need to apologize. You clearly needed to get that off your chest.”
Even if it was hard to hear, Blake knew she needed to hear it. And she was definitely grateful that Ilia would say it. Sometimes the plain truth hurt, but that’s what it was supposed to do until one accepted things and began to move on.
“That’s good, at least.” Not that Blake, being twenty-two years old, was actually old, but she was older than Ilia. And a lot of the time she felt like she was an old woman stuck in a young woman’s body, but she had experienced so much in her life already that it was easy to feel older than she was. Blake was also highly mature for her age, and she always had been. So sometimes she just seemed older than she actually was.
“More like I have qualities that I need to discover. And I feel anything but brave. Brave is a term used for someone standing up to injustice, to stand up to bullies and other such things. I don’t see myself as brave, just lucky that I survived for whatever reason.” Blake wasn’t suicidal and she never had been, but she did wonder sometimes why she’d survived and why her ex hadn’t just killed her. “Probably dumb luck that I survived, but I’m still here, even if I don’t know why I’m still here.”
Closing her eyes, she took in a slow, deep breath of fresh air. “There is seemingly no end to the amount of things I need to get off my chest. But perhaps I should stop before I sound too much like I’m whining or sounding like I’m crying for attention or something.”
Blake really wasn’t all that old. And it wasn’t like Ilia acted like someone who was eighteen. She was probably older than her age thanks to her own experiences, she was just much more blunt and noticed things.
“Just because you need to discover them for yourself doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Bravery is a lot of things, we just think that it’s standing up for injustice and standing up to bullies. That’s the most obvious form. But standing up for yourself to friends? Brave because we don’t want to upset them. Getting up each day with all the shit that you got thrown at you? Brave. Actively wanting to work on your issues? Fucking brave as hell because facing your issues is terrifying. And sure, maybe there was some dumb luck thrown in on surviving but that doesn’t change the fact there’s bravery in your actions even if you think differently.”
Not that Blake could see her, but Ilia shrugged.
“I don’t mind. Otherwise it’s just going to fester and get worse.”
Blake definitely didn’t see those qualities in herself, but then she never saw anything positive about herself. She couldn’t see what was good about her, but then no one had really bothered to point out the good things and reinforce them time and time again. It would take work because they were up against her extremely non-existent self-esteem, and that would take time to pull out by the roots.
“I suppose that could be true. I don’t exactly see the good in me. And I have a lot of bad habits and conditioning that needs to be undone so I can see it and maybe even embrace it.” Blake knew she would never be who she dreamt of being, she was far too different in this life for that. But she could still be a functioning member of society once she worked past some things.
“God knows I’ve already buried all of this for years and let it fester.” She took a moment to reflect on things. “You don’t actually know how fucked up Scientology is until you’re on the outside. You know all they do is blame the victim? They tell us rape is our fault, that we did something to make the person rape us. That’s what they told one of my friends. She killed herself, and they never acknowledged it. They never told anyone she was actually dead, they just said that she’d gone to another church in another city. But I knew she was dead because they wouldn’t help her the way she needed it. That so easily could’ve been me. I don’t know why I’m alive and she’s not, and not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. Sometimes I wish that she’d been the one to get out and survive and get the help she needed.”
“To be fair, most people are unable to see the good in themselves and focus more on the bad. Just like with experiences, negative ones leave a longer impression. So just because you don’t see it doesn’t make it any less true.” Of course there were also the people who ignored their negative traits and thought they were the best thing ever and Ilia wanted to punch them. But as for Blake? Well… it wasn’t all that uncommon for people not to see the good in them and only focus on the bad.
As the older faunus talked about Scientology, Ilia remained silent, just letting her get it out. The fact she could say that was proof she saw it. Proof that she could go against it. She might not think it, but seeing it was important.
“It usually takes getting out of fucked up situations before you see them for what they truly are. But it doesn’t surprise me that they would do shit like that. And maybe it could have been you but it wasn’t. Besides, pretty sure were your places reversed she would wish the same for you.”
“That is true. We always see the worst in ourselves, some more than others.” Blake responded. She saw the worst in herself, but that’s what she’d been conditioned to see. It would take time before she could see the good in her as well. She just hoped that her dreams wouldn’t provide another setback such as confronting Adam at the fall of Beacon had been.
“She deserved so much better than what she got in this world. But that is true of so many people. Too many people.” Blake knew the world was a dark and cruel place, she’d experienced it first hand, but yet she still held some hope that there were enough good people in the world to help ease the suffering. But she was a bit of an idealist in that respect.
“I miss her.” Blake didn’t even know if her friend even had a grave. If she did, she would definitely visit it regularly and leave flowers.
Well at least Blake seemed to get that. Getting her to remember and believe it of course were entirely different matters. But Blake being able to acknowledge that fact was an important thing since it meant there would be less work. More making her remember it than believing it.
“Yeah. It is true of a lot of people. Including you.” Just in case Blake though she could go on thinking that she deserved the shit she got thrown at her just because she’d been brainwashed into thinking it was what was normal. Again, Ilia got it came from her life and the constant negative reinforcement. But Ilia was going to keep reminding her that she didn’t deserve what she had been put through either.
“Yeah….” Because what else was there to say about missing her friend? It wasn’t like Ilia knew her but it made sense.
There some things that would be harder fights to get Blake to believe. But she did recognize that people tended to see the worst in themselves, at least the ones that weren’t full of themselves at any rate. Blake also knew that she tended to see the worst in herself because that had been her life experience. It hadn’t always been that way, of course. Her parents had been positive influences on her and always encouraged her. It had been Scientology and her ex that had broken her down and made her believe the worst of herself.
And made her believe that she deserved all the bad things that had happened to her.
“I don’t see how that could be true,” she responded. Her word choice was deliberate. Blake couldn’t see how she herself hadn’t deserved any of the crap that had been thrown at her. But perhaps she could accept that others could see that she didn’t deserve it.
And they were back to Blake thinking she deserved all the shit that happened to her. Well, good thing Ilia was stubborn.
“Yeah well, that’s because your brain is being stupid and you were forced to think that way by assholes who wanted to control you.” Didn’t make them right. Just made them assholes who wanted to control Blake and so help her, Ilia was going to find a way to help her.
“My brain is stupid and has been stupid the past few days.” It had been a couple days, right? Blake had somewhat lost track of how long she’d been in her room, honestly. She’d been dwelling so much on her anxiety and falling into bad habits and the like in the wake of standing up for herself to Yang that the outside world could’ve moved on for weeks and she wouldn’t have been surprised.
Though she also had a feeling that had it actually been that long since she’d locked herself in here, that Ilia would’ve broken down the door by now.
“Well that’s also true. It’s definitely been stupid for the last three days since you locked yourself in there.”
Good, at least some acknowledgement of the fact that it was her brain being stupid. And again, Ilia got it for the most part. Blake’s anxiety and issues were at an all time high right now from standing up for herself. And they had gotten into a lot of it in their conversation through the door.
“Don’t you need like...water or something?”
It sometimes depended on the moment whether Blake was aware her brain was being stupid or not. But she was at least a bit calmer and more focused at the moment, maybe because talking to Ilia had gotten her out of her own head long enough to get some clarity on the situation.
At the question, Blake had to pause. She finally turned away from the window. She’d had a bottle of water in here, but she’d finished that a couple days prior.
“Um...yeah...probably.” And she could stand to eat something given she...hadn’t eaten anything in three days either. She probably couldn’t hide in her room forever despite the fact she kind of wanted to.
Ilia would take what she could get, and if focusing Blake’s attention on conversation was what she needed? Well, the teen had that covered. And she also got an answer to her question about Blake needing water. Just as she thought.
“Well lucky for you, it’s just the two of us right now.”
Hopefully that would help entice Blake out of her room as well.
That was...definitely something that helped. Blake didn’t think she could handle people yet. But if it was just Ilia...maybe she could come out and get some food and such.
“That’s...a good thing. I don’t think I can handle people yet.” She also just generally didn’t think she could handle Logan right now with his mother hen actions. That would be too much. But Ilia? She could handle just her. Maybe. Possibly.
Blake moved back to the door, looking at it for a moment before she took the chair away and put it back where it belonged before she went back to the door and looked at the lock for a good several moments before taking a breath and finally unlocking it. She then cracked the door open, peeking out at Ilia. “Is it still safe?”
Phase one, getting Blake to actually get out of her room, success! The next trick would be getting her out of the house but given the past three days? She would take it. Easier to get her out of the house if she was out of her room.
So as she heard the movement in Blake’s room, Ilia got up and moved so she wasn’t leaning on the door anymore as she had been. Just in time for Blake to open the door so that she didn’t fall into the room.
“Still safe.”
Blake wasn’t exactly interested in leaving the house yet. She didn’t want to deal with people, but she could maybe handle just Ilia for the moment. Baby steps, as it was. Besides, she really was hungry and should eat something before any more time passed by.
She nodded a bit and opened her door wider, now able to look at Ilia properly. Blake probably looked like crap, but she hadn’t exactly been sleeping well when she had slept. Her demons had taken their toll the past couple days. But she was at least coming out.
“Okay. Water. And probably something to eat.”
Ilia said nothing about Blake’s current appearance. She’d probably just return to her room to hide if she did. Besides it made sense that she would look like crap. It was why she was focusing on baby steps. She was still determined to get her out of the house and hopefully to talk to Ruby but right now? Water and food.
“On it.” Leading the way to the kitchen, Ilia grabbed a glass and filled it with water before looking for something simple to make for Blake to eat.
It was probably best that Ilia didn’t mention anything about her appearance, even if Blake knew that she undoubtedly looked terrible. She’d need to freshen up, especially if she somehow got convinced to go talk to Ruby or something. But for now, she just followed along to the kitchen, her cat ears going between being upright and alert and drooped.
“Thank you.” She could’ve gotten the water and food herself, but she wasn’t going to make a fuss about it. If Ilia wanted to get her food, she’d let her. This time.
Handing Blake the water, Ilia finally found something that would be simple enough to make (for both of them so Blake didn’t feel completely awkward) and got that together before handing it to her. Of course now she had to figure out how to get Blake to leave the house. But first….water and food.
It felt...almost wrong to be outside of her room. Her room was her safe area, a place to hide from the world when she was overwhelmed. It was a sanctuary, and she valued having her own area like that. But she also knew she couldn’t just stay in there forever either, even if she really wanted to. Blake needed to work past this, to make her brain stop being stupid and move on with her life.
“Thank you, Ilia,” she said, taking the water and then the food. She sat down at the table, drinking the water and eating the food. She took it a little slowly, mostly because eating or drinking too fast could be bad after going a couple days without either.
There was a difference between Blake using her room as a safe place to decompress and having her own area and then just locking herself in there and forgetting all about her life and staying where she didn’t need to deal with everything and it getting unhealthy. They were bordering on that and so Ilia had wanted to get her out of the room.
“Yeah, of course.” As Blake sat down at the table, Ilia leaned against the counter to eat her own lunch.
With any luck, and if she didn’t experience any further setbacks as she tried to work through things, she would get stronger and not react to this extreme to things that stressed her out and exacerbated her issues and bad brain tendencies. But of course, Blake didn’t know what lay ahead in her dreams, or even in what Orange County and her life in this world would throw at her. There was a lot that could trigger her, but perhaps with Yang not being front and center, she could focus on some of her deeper problems.
“At least you didn’t have to break down the door?” Blake said after a little silence as they both ate.
No one could ever truly predict what may or may not happen and what effect it could have. However, Ilia did truly believe that this was a step in the right direction for Blake, that without constantly ending up stressed and tense whenever she was around Yang, she could work through things to the point where being around the other woman wouldn’t be as stressful for her and they could go back to being friends if that was what they both wanted. But it had been bad for Blake the way things were, and Blake couldn’t be a friend to Yang either because of it.
The comment about the door was met with a brow quirk.
“You know I could have and would have had I thought you were in need of medical attention.”
“I know,” she responded. Though the mention of medical attention reminded her of her hands. Which were bandaged. “Speaking of medical attention, I should probably change these.” Blake said, after finishing her food. “When I was talking to Yang about needing distance from her, I was on the verge of a panic attack, and I clenched my fists. I should probably keep my nails short for the foreseeable future to avoid this happening again.”
Blake grabbed her plate and glass and took them over to be washed before she headed for the bathroom. She left the door open in the event Ilia followed her as she took off the bandages and looked at the nail marks on the palms of her hands. They were healing well, at least.
At least Blake seemed to acknowledge that fact. Because really now, if she hadn’t known that would be a thing then the cat faunus clearly didn’t know Ilia at all or how determined she could be in these sorts of situations. She did worry about the comment about clenching her fists but there wasn’t much that could be done now. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”
It made sense, the panic attack she was trying to stave off and the reasoning behind said near panic attack. It didn’t mean she had to like it though. So long as Blake took care of herself though. Finishing with her own lunch, Ilia took them over to the sink to wash before following after Blake. Just in case.
Blake could understand concern for her physical well-being, but despite everything she’d been through and what she sometimes said in her darker moments? She never had self-harmed and she had never been suicidal. Sure, she’d wondered why she’d lived while others hadn’t, but that was worlds different from being actively suicidal, which she was not. She didn’t want to die. She just sometimes wished she didn’t have the traumatic memories and experiences that she did.
So she wasn’t surprised when Ilia followed after her. She was treating the marks with some disinfectant, but she didn’t think her hands needed heavy bandages like she’d had on. The marks weren’t in danger of bleeding anymore. But she did put some gauze on them, to help protect them a little longer while they healed.
“There, good as new. Mostly.” She said as she put the first aid stuff away.
Ilia couldn’t say much, she had her own moments of wondering why the hell she had survived the things she had been through. As it was, she was still going to worry with everything going on even if Blake had never shown suicidal ideation or signs of self harm.
At least she wasn’t getting odd looks for following Blake and she nodded as she leaned against the wall.
“That’s good.” It was something and clearly nothing that needed any real attention as it seemed Blake had it covered with disinfectant and bandages.
Blake wouldn’t let these sorts of things get infected or become any worse than they needed to be. She didn’t like suffering needlessly, and this was needless pain. But in another day or two, they wouldn’t need to be bandaged at all.
“So, do you know how long it’ll be just us here?” She asked. Blake assumed that Logan was either at his bar or at the ranch thing he ran for troubled teens. But even then it was never quite certain when he’d come home.
That….was a good question and one Ilia didn’t quite have an answer for. Pulling out her phone, she noted the time.
“Probably another half hour.”
Though she could use this as a way to get Blake out of the house since she probably wasn’t asking being she was wanting to stick around to talk with Logan or Jing-Wei. And if they just so happened to run into Ruby, well….merely a coincidence. Really.
“We can always head to the park to get away if you want.” Yes it was outside but it was easier to disappear and not deal with people there than with roommates like Logan who would mother hen, especially if he knew that Blake had finally come out of her room.
Blake thought that over for a good minute. After all, while it was a good thing to get out and get some fresh air, she was, well, a cat and feeling skittish about being out in the open. She wasn’t even thinking about Ruby or even people in general. Being out in the open would be quite the shock after being in a room for a few days. Not having walls between her and people was scary.
And she’d be lying if she didn’t say she felt like running right then. Sometimes she really hated that her instinct was to run, but it was her defense mechanism, and when her anxiety got high the wish to run was also high. It was probably a miracle that she’d even come back here after talking to Yang instead of just plain running.
“I don’t know. I mean, fresh air might be nice, but I’m not so certain about being outside.” Her cat ears drooped again.
“Fresh air is good for you, Blake.” And now that the idea was out there? Ilia was pretty determined to make it become a reality. The trick of course would be convincing Blake that it was a good idea and that she should go. While she wasn’t considering the fact they could run into Ruby, Ilia well knew that the calmest Blake ever seemed to be was after she spent time with Ruby.
“Besides. It’s easier to avoid talking to people outside than it is here.” One of those weird situations but also because people tended to stick to themselves when at the park as opposed to roommates who would worry.
Damn it, why did Ilia have to go and use logic like that? Blake found it very difficult to argue the point, especially when this was Logan’s place and he would mother hen her to an extreme if he came back and found her sitting outside of her room. Maybe getting out for a while and decompressing a little before dealing with that would be a good idea.
“Considering I’d like to avoid Logan’s hovering as much as possible, I suppose you’re right.”
Victory! Well mostly. They weren’t out the door yet but she could see that Blake seemed to see that she was right about this plan. But of course Ilia would use logic, it was usually the best way to get through to Blake.
“Exactly. I’ll even buy you tea from the place you really like.” Hey, bribery never hurt.
“I see your bribery, but I’ll take it. Just...let me put on clothes first. And hide my ears.” Blake was wearing pajamas, basically. And she should at least try to look presentable while going out in public. So she went back in her room and closed the door, leaving it open a crack so Ilia knew she wasn’t locking herself in again, and pulled on pants and an over-sized shirt before emerging and going into the bathroom to brush her hair and put the bow in place.
“Yeah, of course.” Hey, she didn’t care if the bribery was obvious so long as it worked. Which it clearly did. So while Blake went to change and hide her ears, Ilia sent Chloe a victory text as well as a selfie and pocketed her phone just as Blake came back out, at which point she got her wallet to be able to pay for the tea.
“Let’s go.”