Ilia Amitola is color coded for your convenience (amitola) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2018-04-05 08:06:00 |
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Honestly, Ilia hadn’t expected to still be at Logan’s but money and experience for jobs had put a damper on her being able to find something for herself just yet. That said, it wasn’t the worst place to be. She was growing closer to Blake, she had stopped being wary of Logan and trying to make sense of his motives. She hadn’t let go of her anger (not as though that were entirely shocking) but it wasn’t brimming under the surface and she found different ways to feel different things.
She still thought all the Dream talk was ridiculous though. At least, she did. The night before had been fairly normal for her, nothing that could explain the Dream she’d had. But when she slept, Ilia found herself living in a mining community in a place called Mantle. A word - faunus. And her apparently have chameleon like features. And then she and her parents had moved to somewhere called Atlas and she was to go to a prep school but there was one thing that rang out in her mind. Hide who you are. Because people wouldn’t understand, there would be discrimination. It was safer.
And Ilia woke up, her heart hurting. Not because the dreams were all that traumatizing. But they were just familiar. In ways that hurt. Her parents being miners. Moving for work. Hiding her nature - only instead of it being her sexuality, it was her faunus nature. The eighteen year old wasn’t sure what to make of it. So she got up and headed to the kitchen to get something to wake up, trying to make sense of it. But she also noticed Blake and since she was at the point where she considered the older woman her friend, she figured she’d mention it (since she wasn’t about to talk about it on the network).
“I’m pretty sure I just had one of those dreams everyone keeps talking about and--” and that was when Ilia noticed something off. Blake didn’t have her bow on. “And you have cat ears. Because of course you do.”
After the dreams, it wasn’t as shocking as it probably should have been.
Blake had just gotten out of the shower and had towel-dried her hair, so it was messy and still very damp. However, she’d decided to make herself some tea before she dried her hair the rest of the way. And, well, she’d completely forgotten to put her bow back in her hair before leaving the bathroom. So when she noticed Ilia, she froze in place and stared at her a bit like a deer in the headlights...even as Ilia mentioned her having cat ears.
“Uh...surprise?” She responded a little nervously. Blake was still highly sensitive about her ears and being a faunus. “Yeah, it’s...um, a dream thing. I’m a faunus.” She was ready to explain that if she had to, but Ilia was taking this rather well. At least she wasn’t freaking out. That was...something. Blake wasn’t quite going to relax just yet because, well, cat ears weren’t normal and not everyone just accepted it.
It was a lot to take in, really and Ilia wasn’t completely sure what to make of it all. So she just blinked some and nodded. Because sure, why not. Though as Blake mentioned the term faunus, the teen had more of a reaction. Mostly of the eyes widening in shock part because while she had seen people mention the dreams, she had somehow managed that people shared dreams as well.
“Wait…. So you dream of that as well? Because that’s….” Okay that was apparently more to take in than the feelings from the dreams that made it all the more real.
“....Is that why you decided to take me in? Because you also dream of faunus and knew me in them or something…?”
Well, it wasn’t so far fetched an idea. Blake hadn’t shown up in her dreams, but really. How weird for both of them to dream about being a faunus?
This was...going to be a little awkward to explain. Blake hadn’t wanted to say anything until Ilia had started dreaming, and now that she had? It was time to come clean about that.
“Yes and no. Yes, I knew you in the dreams, but that’s not the only reason I wanted to take you in.” Blake’s cat ears drooped a little bit. “I genuinely wanted to help you because I know what it’s like to be homeless and have nowhere to turn to.” She drew in a breath and let it out slowly. “Perhaps we should sit down and talk? I mean, if you want to, that is.” She didn’t know if Ilia wanted to talk about it or not.
“Also, I didn’t want to say anything until you started dreaming. I didn’t want to sound like I was a stalker or something.”
So long as Blake was honest with her, that was what mattered. So she just waited for the reply she was given. Yes and no. Okay, she supposed that made sense. Or as much sense as any of this could. The cat ears helped in that regard given their expressiveness. Meaning that she could cross off that from her list of how things were going to end up getting messed up because that was her life.
“Yeah, maybe…” Blake’s comment about wanting to wait until she started dreaming also made sense. Ilia had already thought the network was a cult when she first showed up. Blake telling her about the dreams probably would have had her running.
“Still. I guess so long as you don’t expect me to be… whoever it is you know in the dreams, it’s fine. But talking will probably be good all the same.”
Blake definitely had no intention to lie. She wanted to be as open and honest as she could be. Though there were details that Blake would certainly not go into. Some things one just had to experience first, then they could talk about it. That is, if Ilia still wanted to talk to her, of course.
“No, I don’t expect you to be who I know in the dreams. I know I myself am definitely not the person I dream of being, so I don’t expect anyone else to be as I dream them to be. Which probably sounds crazy, but everything about Orange County is crazy.” Blake took her tea and gestured to the living room. She went and sat down, making herself comfortable and waiting for Ilia to sit down before she continued.
“I will talk about the dreams, but I won’t go into detail. Mostly because everyone has a different point of view, and some things just need to be experienced before you can talk about them.” She wanted to be up front about that.
Maybe it was this weird dream connection that had it so that Ilia had felt comfortable around Blake fairly early on - really within the first conversation that even though she’d been focused more on getting out of the cold and rain - that had led her to think it was okay to trust her and stay there. Or give even some opening to her past, vague though it may have been.
“Okay, just so that’s covered. Because I don’t know who I am in them. Not really. I only dreamt of growing up in a faunus mining community in a place called Mantle to about the age of eight and then moving to some place called Atlas.” So it wasn’t like Ilia knew much. She just knew that there were distressing similarities to her parents and she was worried about what would come next. “Not as crazy as embryos falling from the sky. Though I’m still pretty convinced that was more fever related than anything.”
Little did Ilia know…
“But I can respect not going into details since it’s only from your perspective.”
Blake listened to Ilia, nodding a little bit. So they hadn’t met each other yet, though they would be meeting soon enough. Still, she knew better than to say anything on what would happen to Ilia in future dreams. She also wasn’t certain if she should tell her about eventually leaving the White Fang, leaving Ilia behind, and going to Beacon. Of course, Blake had her reasons for leaving the White Fang, mostly leaving Adam, but that was a tale for another time.
“Ah, okay. We will meet eventually. We kind of grew up together.” She wouldn’t mention the White Fang or anything of that sort yet. But they at least were as far as shared dream world.
“I will, of course, explain my perspective of things if you ever need me to. But until you dream them, it’s kind of pointless to discuss them when one or more people involved have no idea what happened yet.”
Ilia wasn’t sure she wanted to know what future dreams had in store just based on their similarities so far to her past. But she supposed she wasn’t going to get a say in that unless she left the area. And while it was easy enough for her to pack up and go somewhere else, Ilia was finding that - despite the strangeness - she liked the area. That she felt drawn there. But they grew up together. Okay, that could mean anything. She might be a student at the school Ilia was supposed to start, where she was told to hide who she was. It didn’t have to follow what happened with her parents here after they had moved.
“That’s not so bad. Getting to grow up together.”
It was testament to how much Ilia already seemed to like Blake at any rate, that the idea of them getting to grow up together in a way wasn’t seen as a bad or weird thing and instead something that she could be comfortable with.
“I can get that. Hard to explain something that hasn’t happened for someone.” Or it seemed like it would be hard to explain.
“So obviously faunus features can cross over then?” And a nod to the cat ears. After all, if there wasn’t much for Blake to tell her at the moment, it wasn’t like Ilia was going to pry too much. She wouldn’t know what to ask anyway. But worrying about her chameleon features crossing over? That at least seemed something that Blake could easier explain without having to go into all the nitty gritty details of her dreams right now.
There were things that happened that weren’t Blake’s place to tell, as far as things with Ilia’s past, or what she’d dream of in the near future. But there were also things that happened in the White Fang that Blake couldn’t talk about until Ilia had dreamt them. Though even with that, it felt good that she was no longer the only faunus here. Sure, Ruby and Yang accepted her for who she was, but they weren’t faunus. They didn’t understand what it was like to be considered a second-class citizen at the best of times. But Ilia understood. And she just hoped that Ilia would eventually understand why she’d had to leave the White Fang.
Blake nodded a bit. “Yes, they can. Also any abilities as well, and not just faunus-related ones. I have my night vision as part of my faunus abilities, and I have muscle memory from my fighting style in the dreams. Which helps when shit gets crazy here.” Though it didn’t always help because not everything could be fought with a weapon. “There are other people who have similar traits or abilities cross over from their dreams, and it seems to vary how long it takes for things to cross over. Physical changes can sometimes just happen overnight, other times it’s a slow progression. At least from what I’ve seen other people say on the network.”
Blake’s cat ears stood upright again. “And from what I’ve seen, people who dream of being not human always get their non human traits. Abilities, however, sometimes take longer to cross over. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason as to how fast or slow they take to cross over.”
Ilia didn’t need a set of Dreams and being a faunus in them to know what it felt like to be considered a second-class citizen at the best of times. It was something that she was constantly reminded of every day of her life. She just… dealt with it. But Ilia could see why, at least in that regard, it would be nice to have someone who understood those particular struggles. The whole Dream thing was beyond confusing and she wasn’t sure what to make of them but she was realizing that there was more to it.
And not just because features could cross over. So she listened as Blake explained the crossover process. Which...wasn’t reassuring when it meant that there was no way to tell when or how her faunus traits would cross over. Just that they would because that seemed to be a thing. Though fighting style? Interesting.
“That’s annoying. But okay.”
Though it did leave her with questions. Yes, there had been the Easter Peep Invasion and she did remember the sun going out and yet…
“Why exactly would fighting be helpful here?” Not that Ilia minded, she was quick to jump into the fray - it was a good way to channel her anger - but it sounded different. She knew people had talked about how there were insane things that happened here but where fighting styles would be helpful? She was curious.
It was definitely annoying. Blake had been more than anxious over her faunus traits crossing over once she’d started dreaming. It had added to the anxiety problems she already had, but she at least felt a little more herself once she’d become faunus. Of course, she was still trying to figure out who exactly she was in this life. She had no direction the way her dream self did.
“You remember the peeps on Easter? Well, stuff like that can happen, only replace peeps with aliens, demons, armies, so on and so forth. Fighting becomes necessary, and Orange County can look like a war zone at times. I’ve seen a lot since I have been here. Some of it is traumatizing, some of it is not.” For the time being, she wouldn’t mention anything about the Grimm invasion back on Halloween.
“Of course, not everything is terrible either. There are things that happen that can be weird or funny as well. Such as back around Valentine’s Day, something happened that caused people to fall in love or become obsessed with someone or something. I got hit by it and became obsessed with books. Which...isn’t that different from normal so I didn’t realize anything had happened until after the fact.” Her cat ears flicked and dipped, corresponding with what she was saying and feeling about that whole experience.
That was something Ilia could understand, a lack of focus or direction. She’d been so focused on surviving and her anger that she never had a clear sense of where she was to go, what she wanted to do. She fought to survive, that was it. Still, she didn’t know what to make of the fact that her chameleon traits would cross over. It was just one more thing she’d have to hide - even if people were more open and seemingly understanding here than they’d been back in her small town.
“I have nightmares about those peeps.” The comment was deadpanned, but that had definitely been something that had left a lasting impression, especially since she didn’t have a fever to blame it on like she had with the apocalypse she had apparently nearly witnessed. “But aliens, demons. Because of course there are. Guess I’ll need to brush up on my fighting skills.”
Little did Ilia know that she would learn to fight in the Dreams. Right now she just had the style of fighting she’d used to get by, which was nothing polished or that was trained for.
“Okay, obsessed with books isn’t so bad. And it’s good to know that there are less harmful things but that sounds like it could have gone really bad and the whole...not being in control of my feelings and being influenced by some weird shit? Definitely glad I missed that.”
People were more accepting here, so long as they were Dreamers, of course, from what Blake had seen. But even then, she still needed to hide the cat ears. At least ears were easy to hide. If she’d had a tail or fur or some other animal feature that wasn’t easy to hide, that would’ve made it more difficult for her.
“I’m with you on that one. And the killer bunnies.” Blake shuddered a little, recalling the bookstore being overrun by both and trying to get out of there with Pyrrha. She shook her head a bit. “If you want to work on that, I could teach you some.” She offered. Blake wasn’t the best at hand-to-hand fighting, but she could help with the basics and getting Ilia into the swing of things if she wanted.
“Believe me, if it had been anything other than books, I’d probably be strapped down to a bed right now for my own safety.” It was a very unexpected comment, but it was also a telling one. Blake wasn’t suicidal or anything of that sort, but being controlled and if she’d been with someone in that situation? It would have done so much damage to her mental state that would’ve required hospitalization.
“I think I remember seeing something about that.” Orange County was certainly more than she ever could have anticipated when she had decided to hitchhike to the area. Well okay, just California in general and she’d ended up here. Even so though, it was still weird. “But yeah, that would be good. Thanks.”
Hey, just because Ilia was used to having to do things for herself didn’t mean she would turn down help. Especially when it was clear that what the type of fighting would be something more than street fighting. Ilia hadn’t survived this long to be taken down because she wasn’t prepared - that would just be insulting.
The comment about how Blake would have to be strapped to a bed if it had been something that was more than books earned a quirked brow. There was more to the comment than just that, but she hadn’t been brought into the terrors the older woman had gone through though Ilia had a feeling it dealt with the nightmares. So she slowly nodded some, filing the information away. She could extrapolate meanings and it made her angry that someone had hurt Blake that much, whatever the situation. Whomever it was just better not show their faces, Ilia would claw their face off.
“Well. I’m glad that it was just books and that you’re here instead of strapped in a bed.”
“You’re welcome,” Blake responded with a little smile. She liked helping where she could. Besides, if she could teach Ilia some things that would help hold her over until her dream abilities kicked in, that would be even better. After all, one never knew when invasions would happen here.
Blake was still carefully guarding her traumas from this life. She didn’t want to just dump them on Ilia. Though perhaps she’d start opening up little by little in regards to them. Sooner or later Ilia would need to know.
“So am I, even if some days I feel like being locked in a padded room would be the best for everyone.” She glanced at the floor, cat ears dropping a little. At least she could scream in that room and not have the sound carry too much.
Sometimes it was easier to help yourself if you could help others. It just depended on how it was done and not letting it get in the way of your own healing. But if you could see in others what you needed, you could maybe then work on helping yourself while helping others. But as with everything, it was knowing the line and not going too much into helping others that you ignored yourself.
Whatever Blake’s traumas though, Ilia would listen if she ever decided that she wanted to talk about them. For all her anger and being ready to fight, she could listen and was happy to do so. It was a matter of trust after all.
And more opening up in vague senses. Blake never had struck Ilia has the type to exaggerate things or the like, so she took what was being said at face value and thus gave her honest opinion.
“Usually you get put in one of those when you’re a threat to yourself or others. Which I’m not getting that feeling from you. You’ve obviously been hurt and fucked with and you’re working on getting past that, but you aren’t a danger or threat to anyone.”
Because really. People didn’t scream like Blake did unless they had some serious shit and trauma in their past.
Blake listened to Ilia, her cat ears perking up a bit. It was...good to hear that. She tended to feel broken and hopelessly messed up on a daily basis. And yet she never had taken her traumas out on herself or others. She didn’t know what that said, but it at the very least made it even harder for others to see that she was struggling through life.
“Yeah, I’ve been through a lot, and to be honest? I’m struggling with...everything.” She took a breath and looked at Ilia. “Not just the crap I’ve been through and survived in this life, but dream crap. And more than sometimes I feel like a friend of mine expects me to be exactly how I am in the dreams, and I’m never going to be. I couldn’t because of my experiences in this life. It gets...frustrating sometimes.”
But Blake never brought it up because she didn’t like confrontation, and she knew she’d most likely end up backing down and apologizing profusely. Bad habits, of course, but Blake still so easily fell into them.
Blake might be struggling through life, but she hadn’t given up and was in fact surviving it and all the shit it had thrown at her. That didn’t make it easy. Of course not. But Blake was functioning, she had a job. Had friends. And that counted for something, even if it didn’t seem like much to her.
Still, Ilia listened and nodded some, just taking in what was being said and processing it, though she had a fairly good idea on who this friend Blake mentioned was.
“We all struggle with things. But the important thing is that you aren’t letting it stop you and you’re finding a way to live despite it even if it’s hard instead of just giving up because it seems impossible to deal with.” Even so, Ilia didn’t like that it seemed the Dreams could add to such things. It made it more complicated. And something she wasn’t looking forward to in regards to her own dreams.
“Well friend or not, they aren’t entitled to how you feel or react or are just because they built up some idea of who you are from the Dreams. Like you said, your life experiences mean you will never be that exact person, and if they can’t accept that? Then that’s on them, not you.”
“Believe me, some days I really wonder why I don’t just give up.” That was something that she’d never actually voiced to anyone other than her therapist. But when Blake had those moments, she remembered that if she gave up, it meant Scientology won. It meant her ex-boyfriend won. And she absolutely refused to let them win.
Blake nodded a litte. “You’re right, that’s not my fault. Still, I feel pressure to be who I am in the dreams, to be who they want me to be. Which isn’t healthy and brings out my bad habits that I’m trying to break.”
By ‘bad habits’ she meant whatever it took to ensure people weren’t upset with her. It was what she’d done with her ex to try and save herself some pain, but it never worked in the long run. He’d always found some reason or another, real or imagined, for him to justify hurting her.
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s normal since some days are harder than others.” Ilia certainly didn’t think anything of it. Hell, she had the times when she wanted to know why she kept trying to survive when it was clear no one gave a rat’s ass about her. Which was usually when she tapped into that anger to say screw the world, she’d survive just to prove them wrong.
“At least you know it’s not your fault. Well, pressure or not, fuck ‘em if they can’t accept you for who you are here. I mean sure I guess at first the expectation is the Dream you and I don’t know how long this has been going on, but if they can’t accept you for you and still are making you feel like you need to be that person? That’s fucked up and they need to let it go because it’s not healthy for either of you. But I’m told recognizing those bad habits is a step in combating them so if you need me to tell you that, let me know. Because no one should make you feel like that.”
Ilia was definitely wise, and Blake knew she was right. She just wouldn’t exactly say anything unless she was backed into a corner about it. She was trying to handle it on her own, but perhaps she wasn’t doing a very good job of that.
“It’s not necessarily their fault. I mean, they don’t consciously do it, but it’s still there. At least from my perspective. Though I could also just be hypersensitive and reading into everything.” Which could also be a possibility. Blake took a slow breath. “Sometimes it’s exhausting to me, but thank you for saying that. And I’ll most likely need you to keep telling me that. I need reminders and encouragement from time to time.”
Ilia nodded some. That was also a thing that could happen. Seeing things that weren’t necessarily there. But in her experience, Ilia found that there was usually some reason for why someone would feel like they were being pressured - subconsciously or not - that had a basis in reality.
“Is there anything that made you feel like that? Something specific?”
That would help narrow it down as well.
“Yeah, sure. And I can point out if something is more paranoia or if it’s real. Helps being on the outside and all. So I can definitely do that for you. Least I can do for you bringing me in.”
Blake shifted a bit and lowered her gaze. Her cat ears followed suit, giving away how she felt on the matter. “They told me they were in love with me several months back. I...don’t handle that well. And honestly, I’ve gone well out of my way to try and forget they ever said it because it cuts down on my anxiety.”
Her body language got rigid and uncomfortable as she thought of it. Though it was also because her mind also went back to her ex. It was frightening how easily her mind went there. She shuddered before she shook her head and tried to push the thoughts away and focus herself back on Ilia.
“Thank you, I’m glad for that. I can certainly use it.”
Blake’s body language all but screamed her feelings on the matter, even without the cat ears. “You can’t though. Once you know something, you know it. No matter how hard you try to ignore it. It still colors every interaction, puts the questions and pressure there.”
It wasn’t a question. It was clear in the conversation to Ilia that was part of the problem. This person proclaimed their love, and because of that Blake was left to question interactions since this person already had dreamt things so there were questions by the feeling of being pressured and that declaration - with or without the conscious thinking about it.
“You’re welcome.”
Blake sighed, her shoulders slouching a bit. “No, I can’t.” She didn’t like admitting that, but given Ilia had already stated it, she couldn’t deny it. “Some days I’d really rather just live in a cave as a hermit. It would be so much easier for me. In some respects, anyway.” Because of course being completely alone and separated from the world would exacerbate some of her problems. But at the same time, it would be less of a hassle having to deal with people.
“I’m trying to figure out how to handle it and still be able to interact with them. I just...haven’t found the balance yet. But maybe I never will given always questioning the interactions and trying to not fall into bad habits.”
Who liked to admit when they couldn’t do something they wanted to, especially in a situation like this. But saying you were ignoring it and forgetting it so it didn’t impact you while it did? That just exasperated things as well. “Well, obviously. Life isn’t made of absolutes. So while things might be easier in some ways if you did that, there would be things that are worse as well.”
Ilia wasn’t one who was good at hiding her feelings on things like this, of pretending so it was hard for her to really understand how Blake could. But she could tell it had to do with her past and the bad habits she was talking about. All the more proof to Ilia that doing as such wasn’t worth it. Still, she shrugged.
“Well I can’t say I understand it, but I figure it probably ties into you figuring yourself out more and being comfortable with yourself so that you can ignore the questions and stay true to yourself and not the bad habits. Easier said than done, sure. But that’s probably going to be a major part of it.”
That was the battle, figuring out who she was without others telling her how she should be. It was easier to just be when she was around certain people, like Ruby. It was nearly impossible when she was around Yang. And of course the more she thought about it, the higher her anxiety got ramped up. She clenched her fists, closed her eyes and tried to take some slow breaths for a few moments.
“Yeah, most likely. But it’ll be a long, uphill battle.” Especially if Yang couldn’t let go of the fact that things were not, and never would be, like they were in the dreams. It was an exhausting battle, but it was one that only Blake could fight. These were her demons, and she was trying to keep them from beating her.
Ilia tilted her head to the side slightly, noticing the fact that it seemed Blake’s anxiety was seeming to pick up, the breathing, the clenched hands. Okay. Time to change the topic. It was clear she was dealing with a lot and even in hypothetical was beginning to affect her and well…. There wasn’t much more to say on the matter. Blake knew what she needed to work on, she was working on it despite the setbacks and she knew that Ilia would help her with pointing things out if she needed it.
So clearly it was time to switch gears since there also wasn’t much to say about the Dreams - at least on her end yet - and she now knew that the two shared a Dream world as well.
“All the battles worth fighting are. Anyway, want to put something on and not think about the stupid for a while?” Assuming Blake didn’t have work to get to or anything.
Despite the current spike in anxiety, Blake had been proud of how she’d been managing her anxiety of late. While she had anti-anxiety medication, she did like to try other methods of dealing with her anxiety. She took a breath, and tried to refocus herself. But then Ilia was changing the subject and she was more than glad for that.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” she responded. She didn’t care what it was, but as long as it got her attention, it would be fine with her. And she was rather grateful that Ilia had thought to change the subject before much more time had passed. Blake was all for not thinking about the stupid and forgetting her problems for a while.