Who: Harley and Helena What: Discussing having kids When: Early January. Where: Their house Status: complete
It had been wonderful to have seen Lucy again, though this time Helena had watched Harley a little closer. Mostly to see if she’d be open to having a certain conversation after Lucy left. If they both wanted a child of their own, Helena’s biological clock was ticking. She would be turning forty in September, she knew time was of the essence. But she also didn’t want to be insensitive either, so it would be seeing what Harley’s current mood was, and discussing Lucy, before she tried to bring up that subject.
Helena had made some hot cocoa and after giving Christina a mug of her own as she went off to her room, she carried two mugs of it to where her wife was. “I just made some hot cocoa, if you’d like some,” she said, offering a mug to Harley.
“Mm… smells divine!” She took the mug, sinking back into her computer chair. She was looking at some pictures on the screen, some new ones from Lucy’s visit. She missed her terribly, and her holiday wishes were always a little bittersweet. She didn’t know if she’d survive until Lucy was 18 and able to make her own decisions about visiting, instead of showing up thanks to outside influences.
Helena smiled softly, watching Harley sink back into her chair. Glancing at her computer, it was obvious what was on her mind. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out (even though Helena was a rocket scientist in her dreams, but that was besides the point). “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked, leaving the door open for Harley. Helena didn’t want to make assumptions about her wife’s feelings even if she could deduce them. It was simply better to let Harley speak for herself.
Harley did tend to wear her feelings on her sleeves, as often as she hid them behind a smile and wacky antics. Around Helena she didn’t always hide them - her wife deserved the respect of seeing her even when she wasn’t feeling very funny.
“I have regrets.” She admitted, closing the picture and spinning to face Helena.
When Harley hid her feelings, even if Helena could see through the disguise, she wouldn’t pry. Not unless she needed to in order to better help Harley. Helena herself tended to be the same way, though it was difficult for her to wear her feelings on her sleeve. Instead, it tended to be her manner of speech and her actions that showed where her emotions were. On her worst days, she’d lock herself in her work room and work on something for hours on end until she felt she could come out and join her family.
“What about?” Clearly some were in relation to Lucy, but again it was best to let Harley speak for herself.
“Letting Lucy go. I know it ain’t something I could change. Or would change.” She wrapped an arm around herself. “It was the best choice for her. Anythin’ else is selfish. But I still got regrets. I wish I could be her real mama.”
Harley looked up at her wife. “I don’t even think she remembers me after she leaves.”
Sipping her hot chocolate, she listened carefully. Helena then set her mug aside and knelt down, setting a hand comfortingly on her wife’s arm. “Just because it was the best choice for her doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. You’re human, Harley, and you’re a mother who cares, of course you are going to miss her and wish you could’ve been her real mother. Your heart is the largest one I’ve ever known. But while she can’t be here with you all the time, she is still part of you, and she has a life because you gave it to her. One day I am certain she will come looking for you without a wish being involved. Most people who are adopted tend to be curious about their biological parents. Lucy certainly seems like the type who will come back.”
“God, it hurts so much.” Harley leaned into Helena’s hand, then lowered her head. She’d never known it would until she’d seen Lucy, but if she was honest, meeting Christine had planted a seed.
She lifted her head after a few moments, like nothing had ever happened. After all, her pain was nothing to the pain in Helena’s voice and knowing what she knew about her past. “All right. So what’s for dinner, doll?”
“I know it does, love,” Helena said softly and with complete empathy. Even if it was just from a life she dreamt about, she knew the pain of not having a child there with their biological mother. Of course, Helena’s was a far more permanent situation, but it didn’t negate the pain Harley felt.
She gave Harley’s arm a comforting squeeze before she stood back up and grabbed her hot chocolate again. “I had not gotten that far yet. I had wanted to see how you were doing. Though something has been on my mind of late, but I wanted to wait until things settled after Lucy left to bring it up.”
“They’re as settled as they will be.” Harley pulled her legs up into her chair, wrapping her arms around her knees. “What’s wrong. Is everything okay? Are you pregnant? Bloated? Have gingervitis?”
“None of the above, though one is potentially relevant.” Helena began. She brushed a hand through her hair. “What are you feelings about having a child of our own?” She didn’t mince words and looked at her wife, waiting to hear her response.
“Oh good, I was worried about the gingervitis, since I gotta kiss you and all.” Harley started to sip at her coca again and nearly choked on it. “What you want me to knock you up?! I don’t got the parts for that doll!”
“Not now, but we did freeze some sperm a while back when you had been turned into a guy.” Helena had nearly forgotten about the freezing sperm until something had jogged her memory.
“Oh yeah!” Harley had completely forgotten about that. Which was silly, thinking about it, it had been incredibly hot. How could she have forgotten something so hot? “So you wanna do this like… now?”
“Not precisely now, but soon. I’m not getting any younger, and once I hit forty, risks tend to increase.” And Helena was going to be forty this year. Something she didn’t like thinking about, but she supposed it was better than her dream self who’d be one hundred and fifty-two this year. “And I want to have a child with you.” Harley rubbed the bridge of her nose, then set her drink down. “I wasn’t prepared for this conversation. One sec.” She bounced to her feet, left the room, and returned with a bottle of baileys which she promptly emptied into her cocoa.
She drank the entire thing, then said. “What if I fuck it up?”
Helena waited patiently, taking a couple drinks of her hot cocoa while Harley was gone. “Love, you haven’t fucked Christina up in the couple years we’ve been together. And you aren’t going to be alone, either. I’ll be here with you.”
“This is different! It’s startin’ over from scratch! I never did the diapers or the sleepless nights or the first walking or any of that!” Harley looked actually panicked.
Helena reached out and set a comforting hand on Harley’s shoulder. “I can teach you those things. There are also classes that we can go to to help prepare for such things, if you wanted. You don’t have to go into this blind and not knowing what to do.”
“Can we do that? The classes and stuff. Before we actually knock you up. I’d like a January baby anyhow. Weird, I know.” Harley let out a shakey breath. She wasn’t against the idea, but she was suddenly terrified.
“Of course we can. We can do as many classes and research on it all as you want before doing anything else. And if you decide you don’t want to do this, that’s okay as well.” There was always adoption if too much time passed and Helena’s biological clock hit zero.
Harley nodded. It was all too much too soon after Lucy had left, but she wanted to give it a fair shake. “....huh, it would really be both of ours, wouldn’t it.” Later, she’d be in a better mindsent. She must have been before!
“Yes, it would be.” Helena probably shouldn’t have brought this up right now. But what was done was done, and she couldn’t change that. “I’m sorry for bringing it up. I should have waited.”
“No. No!” Harley took Helena’s hands. “No. Bringing it up now is good. I’m just.. Feelin’ weird. Unworthy.”
Helena gently squeezed Harley’s hands. “You are worthy, love. You deserve to have the chance to raise a child from birth, to love them and be loved by them. If I didn’t think you were worthy of it, I wouldn’t be suggesting having a child with you.”
She didn’t feel it, but she’d trust Helena, and she’d trust time to help her feel it. “Have I told you today that I love you?”
Actions spoke louder than words when it came to things like this anyways, but Helena would keep doing her best to help Harley that she was worthy of having a child. Helena smiled at her wife. “I love you, too.”