Who: Asami and Lena What: Baileys and talking When: mid-december Where: Asami's Status: complete Rating: PG
Baileys Irish Cream was a whiskey-flavored milkshake, not liquor. And Lena did not like milkshakes.
Up until tonight, that had been Lena’s loud and decisive declaration every time the sugary monstrosity had been offered to her. And yes, she was well aware that the alcohol content was stupidly high. It didn’t matter. Drinking was not snack time; if she wanted to get trashed, she would either do it in a classy way (with wine, preferably red), or she would do it like an adult (with scotch). She would not do it with the chocolate milk of liquors. Tonight, though, was not about her. It was about Asami, who wanted only two things: to talk about her dad, and to drink copious amounts of Baileys. Lena was good at many things, but denying people she cared about what they wanted in their time of need was not at all one of them. That meant that, tonight, they were not drinking wine. They were drinking Baileys.
And, really, now that she was two and a quarter glasses into it, she was finding that it wasn’t that bad. With that realization, she was starting to wonder if she was maybe a. Pretentious when it came to alcohol, b. Way more into Asami than her heart was ready for, or c. Both a and b. She was definitely A. Probably C. Turning to her companion for the night, she forced herself to refocus. The first bottle was almost gone, and they’d yet to discuss Asami’s father. They needed to breach the topic soon, or she doubted that they would, and she was pretty sure that Asami really needed to talk about it. “So, now that we are reliably less than sober,” she said, breaking the brief silence that followed the light, easy conversation they’d been in, “would you like to talk about what happened today?”
She could have picked wine, or scotch, or even something from home, but she'd really wanted baileys. Something sweet and whether or not it was a monstrosity didn't matter. It would do the job and do it in an enjoyable way. And honestly, she really did like Baileys.
She wasn't that far ahead of Lena, and had been happy to delay the actual discussion so she made a face and sighed. "I uhm... I really should, shouldn't I? You came over and everything."
So she shifted closer to Lena, close enough for Lena to lean in if she wanted. Whatever they were, she knew Lena still had intimacy issues and didn't want to pressure her, no matter how badly she wanted to be touchy. "He reached out to me. Not the first time. But he was kind of insistent and... I guess in the spirit of the holidays I wanted to at least hear him out."
“I don’t think it’s a matter of ‘should.’ If you don’t want to talk about it, you really don’t have to.” Lena said, wanting to ensure that Asami didn’t feel forced to talk or just generally uncomfortable talking about her dad. This wasn’t a timed therapy session; she could work through what she was feeling in her own time, even if said time wasn’t tonight. “Especially not for my sake. I’m completely happy just spending time with you.” Which was the absolute truth. With how busy they’d both been lately, she and Asami just hadn’t seen much of each other since the beginning of the month. Honestly, even if Asami hadn’t made that post, there was a very real possibility that Lena would have found a way to come over anyway. Free nights were too valuable to be wasted as of late.
Although being two drinks in made her somewhat less protective of her personal space, it didn’t make her any less aware. As Asami scooted closer to her on the couch, Lena quickly weighed her options before re-adjusting her position, letting the arm that had been supporting her head straighten over the back of the couch, allowing her fingers to brush lightly against the hair that covered Asami’s shoulder. She then widened the gap between her legs slightly, creating a contact point at their clothed thighs. It wasn’t much, really, but Lena didn’t know if she was quite capable of ‘much’ just yet. Even if it was a small one, it was at the very least an opening.
Once she was comfortable, Lena hmmed, taking in that information. “That’s something, I suppose. Did he seem genuine?” Given that she had no personal experience in this regard, and that she didn’t know Asami’s father, she had no real intention of giving any advice, but she hoped that a few leading questions would help Asami come to some sort of a conclusion herself.
It was enough. Even a little contact was welcome, and well, Asami could never say no to fingers in her hair. Especially Lena's. "He did. That was another reason I went ahead and paid him a visit. I haven't been down there since before the trial, and I nearly left without going in. But.." She took another swig of her drink. "I went in, and he looked... a bit like he did in my dreams after being locked up for three years. Not as thin, hair still grey and not white, but close enough to ... close enough."
“He’s not him, though.” Lena said softly, swallowing down the guilt at throwing a wrench in what otherwise sounded like good news. It was important that Asami remembered, though. Though the dreams offered different versions of the same people, they were still just that: Different versions. “He may look like him and sound like him, and may even be the same person at his core, but Asami, he still lived his own life and made his own decisions.” She thought of her brother, momentarily lowering her gaze to the glass in one hand, all the while absentmindedly playing with the ends of Asami’s hair with the other. “Don’t credit him for things he hasn’t done. Maybe he really is remorseful now, but… just be cautious.”
She internally rolled her eyes at herself for breaking her ‘no advice’ policy almost immediately, but she couldn’t feel guilty about it. Not when saying something could be saving Asami some heartache.
“In my dreams, I think he just… missed me. Missed us and the way things had been. And he genuinely wanted to help the city. I never got a change to find out if his change of heart extended to benders.” Or how he’d have reacted to dating the Avatar. And as her dreams had recently shown her, she was definitely dating the Avatar. Asami rubbed her palm against her knee. “Here...it’s harder. I think it’s the same thing here. He misses me, but I don’t know if he really accepts me. Who I am, the direction I’m taking the company. Even who I choose to date. I guess he doesn’t like people who are different, regardless of the world.”
Lena was silent, scooting just a bit closer so that the arm she had lying over the back of the couch rested more securely on Asami’s shoulders. Their legs from hip to knee were now entirely flush, and Lena found that she felt better knowing that this contact was likely somewhat comforting to Asami.
“I guess the question, then,” Lena said, after the silence had dragged on for a few minutes, “is whether or not that’s enough.” It was easy to expect, in a general sense, that those that were supposed to love you the most would love you no matter what. In practice, though, it was much easier to accept scraps when you felt that scraps were all you’d ever get. Sometimes family only loved parts of you, and Lena knew from experience that rejecting that notion and demanding more was not just hard - it could feel damn near impossible.
She knew what she wanted from her dad, she just didn't know if he'd actually be able to give it to her. "What if he changes his mind? Or it's some... strange play to get to me or the company. Then I start feeling like that's unfair. We were always so close...but were were really that close if he was willing to hide embezzling and illegal warehouses from me?"
“I don’t know, love.” Lena said frankly, wishing that she could calm Asami’s anxiety some, but finding herself entirely without answers. The fact was that she could barely navigate her own personal issues, let alone someone else’s. It would be nice, she supposed, if she had some great general insight into human nature and how to handle complex situations such as this, but psychology and sociology had never been her forte. She much preferred the more physical sciences.
“I think-” she started, pausing to analyze her words to make sure she wasn’t stepping out of line, “I think that those questions don’t necessarily have any set answers, and that trying to find a c
“You’re right,” Asami nodded. She slowly leaned her head onto Lena’s shoulder, but did no more. “I think I’ll take it a little at a time. Not get my hopes up. That way I won’t be disappointed and maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised. Anyway, it’s not like you’ll get to meet him for another 7 to 12 years at this point.”
Lena rubbed her hand lightly up and down Asami’s arm, sighing contently as she adjusted to the weight of Asami’s head on her shoulder. While she was still certainly touch averse, she was learning that easing herself into this sort of quiet intimacy at a slow, gentle pace hardly triggered her anxiety at all. She appreciated how quickly Asami had adapted as well; Lena very well knew that she wasn’t nearly as boisterous or forward as she had been when they’d first gotten together, and that Asami had noticed and was so willing to adjust her expectations meant a lot.
The casual serenity that had settled over Lena faltered, though, at the implications of Asami’s statement. Seven to twelve years? Asami saw them being together that long?
It wasn’t that Lena was necessarily afraid of commitment, or even that she avoided it. It was more that she had absolutely no experience with it. Before Asami, she’d never been particularly invested in her relationships; they’d all either fizzled out naturally, or paled in comparison to her commitment to her work. It was all she’d known, really; though her parents had been married for her entire life, it was clear to both Lena and Lex early on that their relationship was much more of a hard-to-break habit than it was a story of enduring love. Sure, they were committed, but it was obligation and resistance to change that marked their relationship, not any sort of desire.
The idea that Asami would want Lena there for that long - that she would assume that Lena’s presence in her life for the foreseeable future was a certainty? It was striking. In fact, it was exactly that - a wake up call that she hadn’t known was coming. She’d been aware that she could end up in this sort of relationship in the same way that a man is aware that he could be struck by lightning: Though he knows it’s a possibility, he never really believes that it could happen to him. Until, of course, it does.
As she sat in that elevator those months ago, knowing that she and Asami weren’t anywhere near done, the possibility that they could be long term hadn’t even really occurred to her. Suddenly, though, the very idea that they wouldn’t be seemed absurd. Of course they would. Of course.
Swallowing down the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat, Lena tried her best to ignore the fact that, at least on her end, her relationship with Asami had just shifted drastically. It was sobering, and it was exciting, but it wasn’t for now. She knew they’d have to talk about it, but not yet. She just didn’t think she was ready.
“I think that’s for the best.” Lena said, hoping that her tone didn’t betray just how far away her mind had been. “This way, you’re going into the situation with both eyes open.”
It hadn’t been some grand declaration of love, but a simple expression of desire and need. But that was how Asami worked - grand gestures occasionally to be certain - the P-51 was one of those - but when it came to the emotional stuff? It just kind of happened. That she was tempering her need for human contact was a big enough tell as it was. She really wanted this to work with Lena.
Lena deserved nothing less, especially after the whole mess with Korra.
Still, she hadn’t meant to trigger any kind of shift in Lena, “I guess if it lasts past the holidays there might be something to it. Maybe I’ll try to.. enjoy it until then.”
Asami took a deep breath, and then let it out. She felt better. But she also thought she needed one more glass, so she leaned forward to grab for the bottle. “So… Do you want to do anything for the holidays?”
She realized she didn’t know what Lena celebrated, or if she celebrated anything at all.
Holding out her glass as an indication to Asami that she’d like a refill herself, Lena smiled somewhat weakly as she tried to push aside the complex rush of feelings she’d just experienced and focus on the night at hand. Holidays. Right. It was almost Christmas.
“I suppose?” She said honestly, taking a sip of her drink in an effort to center herself. “My mother and brother both have their own plans this year, so I thankfully get to stay put. I’d considered just working through Christmas, actually, but my friend Kara has informed me that that’s unacceptable.” She smiled fondly at the thought of her friend, before gathering a bit of courage as her gaze returned to Asami. “She actually invited me over. On Christmas Day, I mean. I know that you don’t know her very well, but… would you want to come with me?”
Asami obliged, refilling Lena’s glass and then nearly dropping the bottle as she tried to set it back down on the table without breaking too much contact with Lena. She’d been about to suggest that Lena spend time with her when she asked the question. She was a bit taken off guard, but smiled immediately. “I’d love to.” Was that like meeting the family? Only the friend. Who was probably more like family in some ways than family. Asami was familiar with that feeling.
“Great. Excellent. I’ll let her know.” Lena took a long drink, waiting for the odd mix of excitement and panic that had suddenly surged within her to subside. Kara wasn’t as close to her as, say, her brother, but she was certainly a good friend. Lena’s closest in Orange County, in fact. This was no small thing, bring Asami with her. There would questions, and assumptions. Probably a bit of innuendo. This was as close to making it official as adults could get, short of taking out an announcement in the local newspaper.
That was a strange thought, though. Months ago, when they’d fallen into their whirlwind relationship, she’d been sure that it was serious. It had certainly felt serious. But they’d never managed to exit that little two-person bubble that new relationships start in. She hadn’t even mentioned Asami by name to her brother until this month. That they were more serious now than they were then, well. That was a lot. Especially since they hadn’t even been a ‘them’ again for a month.
At the same time, though, hadn’t she just essentially contented herself with the knowledge that they were both in this for the long haul? They’d be okay. “We’ll be okay, won’t we?” Lena said, suddenly feeling much drunker than she had earlier. “Even though we’re all serious?” That didn’t quite make sense, but she hoped Asami would get it anyway.
It was a big thing, Asami realized, the more she thought about it. Her biggest equivalent would probably be introducing Lena to Helena. Though would that be really weird? She’d slept with both Helena and her wife, but it had never been awkward after. She was actually pretty proud of herself for not developing strings. Maybe those strings had gotten attached to Lena. Very real strings that suddenly went tight as Lena blurted that out and Asami choked on her drink. “Lena?” She turned towards her, setting her drink down before she spilled it. “We’ll be okay. Do you think we won’t be okay? Because I think we’ll be okay. I like serious, I prefer serious!”
Nodding, Lena turned to face Asami as well. “I think we’ll be okay.” She leaned forward, resting her forehead against Asami’s. She really did think they would, now. She only knew what she was thinking before, but now she knew what Asami was thinking, and they were thinking the same thing. And they were geniuses, so it had to be the right thing. “If you think we’ll be okay, I think we’ll be okay.”
She mumbled the last sentence, finding that the energy was beginning to seep from her now that she was in such a comfortable position, and the heavy parts of the conversation were done. Between the drinking and the outrageously long day she’d had at L-Corp, it was a wonder she was still awake at all. Maybe that was why she didn’t like Baileys. It made her sleepy.
(It also got her drunk a lot quicker than she was used to. Three drinks? Please. If she were more conscious, she’d be embarrassed.) Just as she was about to drift off in the strangest position ever, a yawn cut through her, reminding her of where she was. She leaned back slightly, stretching even as she spoke, “Do you mind if I stay here tonight?”
It was a strange feeling in Asami’s chest, but one she was familiar with. A bit like being stabbed, with a sucking chest wound. She kissed Lena’s forehead, sliding her arms around her so she didn’t pull back too far. “I’ve got like eighty beds, but only one is warm.”
Any other time, she’d have a clever, coy response on the tip of the tongue. She’d smirk devilishly as she walked up the stairs, not giving away how fast her heart was beating, or how light she felt, even as she glanced back cheekily at Asami. She’d turn the opposite way of Asami’s bedroom, sauntering toward one of the guest rooms, all the while knowing she wouldn’t make it there without being stopped. As they headed back to Asami’s room, she’d debate in her head just how she wanted the night to go, and she honestly wouldn’t know until they both made their way towards the bed. It was a game, really. Lena didn’t have a strategy against every opponent, but she knew Asami, and she was confident that she could win.
But tonight was not that night. Even if Lena wasn’t exhausted and already half asleep, things between them were simultaneously too new and too serious to play that game. The stakes were too high to pretend that sex was the endgame, when Lena knew that, if there was going to be a future for them, then it was off the table for tonight. She didn’t know if they’d grown beyond the game, but she knew that it had changed, and she just wasn’t ready to explore what that meant. So, instead of playing coy, Lena smiled, full of sleepy affection, and wrapped her arms around Asami in return. “Okay.”