Who: Kanan & Carolina When: Christmas Eve Where: Jarrus Terrace What: Carolina's pissed that Wash didn't show Rating/Warnings: Low to mediumish for cursing and mentions of past torture and alcoholism Status: Complete on posting!
The whole house was covered in Christmas decorations. Kanan had outdone himself this year and even though the majority of their new home still lay empty of furniture, there were still signs of the holiday in every room. Carolina was currently in the living room, her mug of mulled wine being kept warm by the fire. The fireplace was crackling cheerfully, warming the large room better than the central heating ever could. A wreath and a myriad of candles also littered the mantle, flickering beside the stocking hangers. The live Christmas tree stood tall and merry, decked from star to skirt in lights and ornaments of varying sizes and shapes. She could hear Christmas music playing somewhere; probably from the echo dot or one of the speakers. The atmosphere was warm, cozy, and seemed guaranteed to lift the mood of anyone who laid eyes upon the festive scene.
Unfortunately, the effect was lost on Carolina as she stood by the window with her back to the room, facing the moonlit snow outside. It had been less than a week since she had moved out of the apartment she had shared with her brother, but it may as well have been a year. She crossed her arms, glaring at the falling snow.
Sure, she had moved, but that didn’t mean she was ready to be written off. All plans that they had made for Christmas Eve and Christmas Dinner had been shoved to the wayside. Did he really think she’d buy that he was just home playing fucking video games? There was only one reason she could think of that he was avoiding her and Anna right now. That fucking idiot rookie had to be drinking again. It would also explain the rapid mood swings.
Carolina wasn’t an idiot. She knew that Wash was an alcoholic. He would need to spend the rest of his life fighting the urge to crawl back into the bottle. More than the lying, more than the drinking, what really bothered her was why he had slipped in the first place. There had been a lot of triggers this summer that had caused him to slip, but after the incident with Anna he had really seemed to be firmly back on the wagon. Apparently, that had not lasted nearly as long as any of them had hoped. Hopefully, the idiot was savvy enough to at least not lie to Anna about the drinking, even though he was lying to his sister.
Which brought her back to the idea that her leaving must have been the trigger, or at the very least had not prevented him from returning to the bottle. Wash had looked so goddamn happy for her when they had talked about the move before. She knew that he approved of her budding relationship with Kanan. The couple had also made a sure he would have a room in the new house all to himself. It was an open invitation to move in, should he not want to be alone. Even then, Carolina had made a point to say that nothing was going to change between them. She would still meet him for running or sparring. At the very least, she expected that they would be together for birthdays and holidays.
The scowl deepened. Christmas was a fucking holiday. So where was Wash? Not here, that’s where. Probably playing his damn video game with a bottle of whiskey. Carolina let the anger flood her veins. As long as she focused on being pissed off, she could ignore just how much it hurt to not have him there.
It was no secret that Kanan and Wash were not currently the best of friends. There was still a little ill will between them left over from Wash refusing to let Kanan assist in Carolina’s rescue a few months before. The two of them weren’t talking and Kanan had gotten the distinct impression that Wash had kind of been avoiding him. Which was fine, Kanan wasn’t ready for the talk the two of them would have to have now that he and Carolina were officially moved in together. However, it was a talk that was going to have to happen. Whether they liked it or not, they were family now. Eventually they would have to get over themselves and act like one.
He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop on Carolina’s conversation with her brother earlier. He’d been in the other room wrapping a present for Nora (and a last minute present for her roommate and bestie, Ren) when Carolina’s up-pitched voice carried to him and caused him to stop what he was doing. From what Carolina was saying, it didn’t sound as though Wash was coming over for Christmas Eve. Immediately, Kanan thought he knew why and it bothered him. He and Wash may never be on the best of terms, but he’d be damned if that meant Carolina’s relationship with the only family she cared about was ruined because of it.
He waited roughly fifteen minutes after Carolina had hung up before he himself had phoned Wash. May as well get that long overdue talk out of the way now.
The talk happened – kind of. Wash didn’t sound like himself. He was distant, cold, as if he didn’t know Kanan at all. He accepted the extended olive branch with indifference that borderlined on distraction. But if that was as good as Kanan was going to get, then he’d take it. He tried to get Wash to agree to come over for Christmas Eve like he’d originally planned, but the response he got was silence, followed by a mumbled: “No, I can’t. I have to play the game.”
Kanan tried to argue, but Wash either ignored him or repeated himself again. The last thing Wash said before he ended their call confused Kanan even more: “I don’t want to, but Angel is calling. I have to answer. Tell Katou. I’m sorry.”
And that was the end of that. Who was Angel? Kanan had no idea. He’d heard Wash refer to Katou as “Angelboy” before, but that didn’t make what Wash had said any less cryptic. Besides, as far as Kanan knew, Katou hadn’t invited Wash over for Christmas Dinner. Unless the plans had been changed last minute and no one had told him…
Regardless, Wash wasn’t coming. Not tonight and not tomorrow. Kanan sighed and set his phone down before joining Carolina in their cheery living room. He didn’t need to see her face to see her anger. Or her hurt. “Carolina,” he said gently, placing a hand on her shoulder.
Carolina had heard Kanan talking in the other room. She wasn’t sure who he had been on the phone with, but by his tone, she could make a pretty good guess. Wash and Kanan had been at odds since the three Marines had returned from Sudan. Not enough of a reason to miss Christmas, but more than enough for the two of them to have spent the last two months ignoring one another. Closing her eyes, she struggled with the urge to take a swing at the window or the wall. They had just moved in; it would be a shame if they had to patch something up so soon. It would definitely ruin the cheery Christmas atmosphere Kanan had tried so hard to create. For that alone, she kept her arms folded and away from the glass.
A punching bag was definitely going to be first on her list of things to buy before the New Year. Her fingernails dug into the palms of her hands as she tried to rein in her emotions. It wasn’t working very well. Carolina doubted she would have been able to fool a novice at the poker table right now.
Kanan hadn’t bothered to hide his footsteps, so the hand on her shoulder didn’t startle her as much as it could have. Her head turned slightly in his direction before returning her gaze back out to the snow. She didn’t want to mask her feelings in front of him, but he didn’t deserve to deal with her anger. Not on Christmas Eve. It was his favorite time of year and he had been given the temporary gift of sight. He was so happy and yet here they were, her and her brother, dragging drama all over his holiday.
Carolina drew in a slow, silent breath and focused on the touch of his hand. A moment later the anger dimmed to a simmer and her shoulders sagged with the loss. “Sorry. I guess I just… needed a minute.” Wash was her brother and the only blood relative she had ever celebrated Christmas with, but Kanan was also her family now. The pain of Wash’s absence was still there and nothing would change that, but she wasn’t alone anymore. Kanan wouldn’t let her wake up to an empty house.
Kanan loved Carolina. When he agreed to move in with her and start this new chapter of their lives together, he had completely understood that it wasn’t going to be all sunshine and roses. But he loved her, drama and all. The last thing he wanted was for her to try to hide her feelings from him, Christmas or not.
He took a step forward to stand next to her at the window. His hand moved from her shoulder to take hers and give it a reassuring squeeze. “It’s alright,” he said. “You have every right to be mad at him.” His own eyes moved towards the snow blanketing their front yard. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pissed off myself.” His arm then went around her shoulders and drew her close. “I do appreciate you not breaking the window though.” He said with a hint of a smile in her direction.
“That obvious, huh?” The window probably also appreciated it as well. Carolina settled into Kanan’s one-arm embrace. His presence and his touch were a welcome balm to what remained of her anger. Her head was already moving to rest on his shoulder before she caught herself. After a brief pause, she let her head continue the rest of the way, fully aware that it was a move right out of the cheesy romantic movies. She didn’t care what it looked like. God help her, she must really be in love. Besides, there was no one else there to see them.
“Damn right I’m mad at him. He said he’d be here for Christmas.” Without Wash, it would just be the two of them tonight. It wasn’t the way she had wanted to spend Christmas, but it wasn’t going to stop the holiday from coming. She’d deal with her errant brother later. Kanan could deal with her anger and she would deal with his. Slowly, her arms began to uncross as she relaxed. One hand slipped into her pocket while the other settled over the shoulder she was leaning against.
Speaking of anger, there was one issue that she hadn’t addressed yet. Originally, she had intended to let the two men work it out themselves, but two months later, things were still pretty rough between them. Maybe it was time she started to help them down a different road. “But you’re still pissed about Sudan, aren’t you.” It was a statement, rather than a question.
Kanan encouraged Carolina’s lean into him by gently rubbing her other arm. Cheesy or not, this kind of loving contact with another person was usually soothing. Kanan knew he had a way of calming Carolina’s nerves when they became frayed. He wasn’t exactly sure what it was that did it, or if it had anything to do with him being a Jedi. Though, truth be told, he doubted it had anything to do with the Force and had to do more with the way the two of them felt about each other, because she had the same effect on him.
He let out a small breath when she brought up the Sudan. “I was,” he said softly, and then amended, “I am. But, I know why he didn’t let me go with him to get you.” He’d never told Carolina what Wash had said to him the evening news of Carolina’s disappearance had reached them. He hadn’t told her what he’d said to her brother either. He didn’t think it was necessary to go into who said what. “We exchanged a few words,” he admitted. “I said some stuff I didn’t mean and he – well, I’m pretty sure he meant what he said. He presented a fair and reasonable argument about why I couldn’t go. That just pissed me off even more. He could go, but I couldn’t.”
If you love her, you’ll stay here….I’ll bring her back….I promise.
Kanan let out a breath, “I can’t stay mad at him forever, though. I don’t want to be. He’s family now…”
Kanan trailed. His focus went from watching the snow accumulate on their front yard to the reflection of the two of them in the window and the fire flickering off to the side. “I just tried talking to him,” he admitted, though he figured Carolina probably had guessed that already. “Extend the proverbial olive branch. I think he accepted it, but he sounded funny. Distracted. It was kind of weird.”
Carolina snorted. “Fair and reasonable? Sure we’re talking about the same Wash?” The snark was familiar and even lifted her spirits for a moment. However, the fact that Wash wasn’t there to take playful offense to the comment sobered her quickly enough. She missed him. They had lived together for barely a year and a half and yet there were times it felt awkward to not have the younger man there when she woke up in the middle of the night. Not that she did that very often anymore; not with Kanan’s soothing presence beside her every night. Still. There were things that the two siblings had gone through that the other would understand because they had also gone through those same horrors. The kind of horrors that she would never be allowed to share with Kanan.
Like Sudan. The entire event had been swept under the rug the moment she was back on U.S. soil. To anyone who didn’t know her or her team, it never even happened. Just as Kanan had not talked about what had happened between him and her brother, she had also never told him her own feelings on the matter. Carolina’s fingers fidgeted with the challenge coin in her pocket. “I was... relieved when Wash told me you hadn’t come along.” Admitting her feelings felt treasonous, somehow, and she continued quickly to try and explain herself. “It’s not that I didn’t want to see you, but I couldn’t help but be relieved you didn’t go through... what happened to us in Sudan.”
Carolina was also glad to hear that at least Kanan was trying to do something about the men’s feud. That Wash had been too distracted to care just served to reignite her annoyance with her brother. “He’s probably already drunk and didn’t want you to rat him out.” Carolina’s face darkened with a scowl. “Since apparently he’d rather play some goddamn video game than risk getting a lecture from me.”
Kanan had an idea about what had happened in Sudan. He had been told the injuries on the three marines. On Carolina, who had been a prisoner. On Wash and York, who had gone in to save her. Wash had masked his, played them off to be not nearly as bad as they most likely were. Kanan didn’t know what went down, and as much as he would have done anything, gone through anything, if it meant Carolina’s safe return, it had ended up being for the best that he hadn’t. “I know,” he reassured her. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there, but the last thing I want is for you to worry about me. It’s over and done with, now. We can move on. All of us.” As soon as Wash got his damn head out of his ass.
“Do you think Wash is drinking again?” Kanan asked, though to be honest that was the best explanation for the weird conversation he’d just had with the other man. That being said, he really hoped that wasn’t the case. It would have been very disappointing for him to have fallen off the wagon again so soon. Kanan kissed the side of Carolina’s head, “we’ll check on him,” he promised.
Carolina’s brow furrowed in annoyance. It was obvious what had happened to them, but she was still barred from even mentioning the word torture. That word had a way of polarizing people, as well as the media. She was glad that her wounds had pretty much healed by the time Kanan regained his sight. That wasn’t a face she wanted him to have to see on her. “Of course I’m going to worry about you. That’s my right, now.” It was a good thing that they were still facing the window, as the additional color in her cheeks didn’t show very in the panes.
The mention of drinking had her giving a long-suffering sigh. “Of course he’s drinking. What else could it be?” Carolina couldn’t think of anything else that would have him dodging her around the holidays. It wasn’t as if he thought she was stalking him again. The gentle kiss, however, smoothed the wrinkles in her brow. Any annoyed tenseness that had returned to her shoulders melted away once more.
“Yeah, I guess it is your right now,” Kanan chuckled softly. It was nice, actually, having someone in his life who could say they had that right. Someone who cared where he went, or what happened to him. Carolina had told him he would never be alone again, and as much as he had never felt alone when Carolina had come into his life, having her here with him now just solidified that feeling more for him. Of course it also meant that he had the right to worry about her as well. Two-way street that.
He didn’t have an answer for her question though. It could have been a Dream thing that was making Wash avoid his sister, but somehow Kanan doubted that. Strange things happened in December, yes, but they were almost always Christmas related. Snow, Christmas characters, mistletoe. Kanan had never heard of anyone avoiding his family. That was the exact opposite of what the holidays were about.
But if it turned out that Wash had fallen off the wagon again, then Kanan would be there ready to help. He knew it would be a matter best dealt between Carolina and Wash. They may have been family, but Wash had a certain way about him. But Carolina wouldn’t have to go through that alone. Not anymore.