The Hellion (collateralshot) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2018-01-07 21:14:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, dan smith, olivia moore |
Who: Dan and Liv
What: Dan confronts Liv after she stands him up
When: January 2nd
Where: Liv's apartment
Rating/Warnings Low-Mediumish for high-running emotions
Status: Complete!
Being drunk isn’t the only state someone has to be in order for a terrible idea to suddenly sound like a good one. Sometimes the hangover after a bender will also make an idea that any sane individual would immediately reject seem like the only option available. Add to that a broken heart and accompanying anger and the only choice seemingly available is to confront the source of that pain.
And such it was for Dan Smith this evening. The previous night he had spent waiting for Liv at their favorite restaurant. They’d agreed to meet. They were going to have dinner. Actually be a couple. Be together. No zombies. No hitmen. Just Dan and Liv. What they wanted.
Only Liv had never shown up. He’d waited an hour. Two hours. Three. Four. Five. At one point, he gave up his table to another couple waiting to be seated and took up a seat at the restaurant’s bar. He’d tried texting Liv. Maybe an emergency at the morgue had held her up. But he never got a response. His calls to her cell went unanswered and unresponded to as well. Finally (and after he’d drank half the bar’s stock), Dan had texted Carolina. He didn’t remember so much what those texts said, but Carolina had shown up and taken him home.
The following morning, Dan had woken up with the worst hangover he’d had in a while. Carolina, who had apparently spent the evening on the couch in a sort of vigil to make sure Dan didn’t choke in his sleep, had offered to make breakfast, but Dan assured her he was fine and sent her on her way.
He wasn’t fine, though. He wanted to be fine. He tried not to think about Liv. He tried telling himself that what they had had simply all been in their heads. Of course waking up human after being denied sexual intimacy for months, even years, one of the first things a person would do would satisfy those needs. He’d been a convenient outlet. Nothing more. He tried telling himself it didn’t matter. He tried forcing himself not to care. The more he tried, however, the worse the pain was.
Finally, with the sun starting to set, Dan couldn’t stand it any longer. If all Liv had wanted was a chance to fuck, then fine, but he wanted her to say it to his face. He wanted her to say that was all it was…
He arrived at her home with an ache in his head and lead in his belly. He hadn’t warned her. No calls. No texts. No chances for her to try and escape. He pounded on her door. “Liv!” He shouted and didn’t care if the neighbors heard. “Liv! It’s Dan! Answer the door!”
Waking up a zombie again was one of the worst things that had happened to Liv. Okay the worst thing. It was even worse than the first time. Yes, the first time had been tough. Horrible even. Liv didn’t want to be a zombie. Who would? Well Blaine, but he only existed in her dreams and that was another story entirely. Liv never wanted to survive off the brains of others, never wanted to become the monster that she had. But this time was still worse. The first time she knew it was coming. Her dreams gave her fair warning. Hell, her appearance even changed ahead of time. But now? Not only had she not been expecting it, but there was also Dan. The man she loved. The man she had wanted to be with for so long but couldn’t.
Two weeks. Two blissful weeks she got to be with him. Really be with him. It was the happiest she had been in a long time. Perhaps ever. And now? Now that was ripped from her. She could never be with him again. Not without making him a zombie - a fate she wouldn’t wish on anyone. Especially him.
Liv didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t bare to see him. It would be too hard. How was she supposed to look at him knowing she couldn’t be with him? It was bad enough the first time around, but now she knew what it was like to be with him. Knew exactly what she was missing out on. The zombie couldn’t bare it.
She buried herself in work. Going in on her day off. It was the least she could do after bailing on Ravi. Plus she needed brains. Leon had showed up. Usually he was a welcome distraction but he had only caused her to cry. Ravi wasn’t around. Something was up with him. Off. Very off. Wondering what it could be was another distraction. She tried to think about that and her work instead of Dan. But it was impossible. The handsome bartender was always on her mind.
Ignoring his calls and texts was torture. But what was she supposed to do? What could she possibly say to him? Nothing could make this better. She knew it was hurting him. It hurt her too. Maybe even more so. But it was for the best. He would end up hating her and that would be easier. Having him hate her and never wanting to speak to her again seemed like the lesser of two evils. Less tortuous than having to see him but not be able to be with him.
She spent the next day at the morgue. Doing the same as she did the first day. Working, worrying about Ravi, thinking about Dan, and crying. Lots of crying. She went home still crying. Eating her spaghetti and brains. That was when she heard the pounding at her door. And Dan’s voice. The thought of ignoring him again occurred to her, but it was clear he wasn’t going away. Leaving her pasta on the table she took a deep breath, wiped her eyes and went to asnwer the door.
“Hi,” was all the zombie could think of to say. Her voice was strained, eyes were red from crying, those dark circles back under them. And of course the pale skin and platinum blonde hair. She kept her eyes down though, looking at Dan’s feet. She couldn’t bring herself to look straight at him. Not yet, not now, maybe not ever again.
All the answers to Dan’s questions were answered the moment Liv answered the door. There she was, platnium blond hair, albaster skin. Dan knew instantly that whatever magic, whatever miracle, that had made Liv human again, had turned her back. That was why she hadn’t met him. Dan’s heart twisted and sank. For a moment he just stood there and stared at the top of her head.
Then the anger was back. But more so the hurt. “Hi?” He repeated, that hurt enveloping his words. “That’s all ye have to say to me? Hi?!”
Liv couldn’t blame him for being angry. She was angry. She hated the situation they were back in. But she knew Dan wasn’t just angry that she was once again a zombie. No, he was angry with her. Hurt even. And rightfully so. She had ignored him for two days. Hell, she stood him up. He had every right to be pissed at her.
And that was probably for the best. If he was mad enough he might stay away. Liv wouldn’t have to feel that ache in her chest every time she looked at him. Although, her heart was aching plenty now. “What do you want me to say?” she asked her own hurt evident in her tone. “What could I possibly say to make any of this better?” she asked swallowing the lump in her throat.
“Ye could’ve called me!” Dan snapped back at her. “Instead of ignorin’ me fer the past two days, ye coulda picked up the phone an’ called me. Ye coulda at least told me what’s goin on. I’m not lookin’ fer ye to say somethin’ that’ll make it better, just somethin’ tellin’ me what’s going on. Or didja only love me when ye were human?”
The moment he said it, Dan regretted it. He regretted how hurtful it sounded. He didn’t want to hurt her any more than she already was. But he had to know. He had to know if Liv had only used him to satisfy an urgent and pressing need.
Liv finally looked up at him, staring in shock at his words. How could he ask that? How could he even think that? It was because she loved him that she ignored him. It wasn’t like this was easy on her. It was killing her. But what could she do? She was a zombie. He was human. There was no hope for them. She knew a relationship without sex wouldn’t work. So what was the point? Why keep him in her life and torture herself every day? She didn’t think she could go through that again. No, she knew she couldn’t.
“If that’s what you think,” Liv replied her voice beginning to tremble. “You should just go.”
“Yer not exactly givn’ me a reason to think otherwise!” Dan bit back at her. “Ye left me at that restaurant! I waited for ye. I waited for ye for five hours! I called. I texted. Ye couldnnea even text me back that ye weren’t commin’! What am I supposed to think? Or d’ye think I donnea love you now? Because that’s not true. I loved ye when were a zombie before and I loved ye when ye were a human. None o’ that has changed, Liv! I still love ye!”
But that was it, wasn’t it? Dan could tell by the look on her face that it was that very love that had caused her to push him away. That that hurt even more. His shoulders fell. “Is this what ye want? To push me away and forget about us. Forget about what we mean to each other?” He frowned at her, his shoulders stiffening again. “I know we kin find a way to make it work. To make us work. But I cannea make you do anythin’ you donnea want to. I won’t. So if ye want me to go. If ye want me to walk away and give up everythin’ tell me. Look me in the eye and tell me that’s what ye want, Liv.”
Five hours? Had he really waited that long for her? Wow. He really did love her. Not that she doubted it before but to wait that long? There was no swallowing the lump in her throat now. The fact that she had caused him to wait that long it hurt her. Hurt that she had put him through that. But it also one of the most romantic things she had ever heard. And that, well that caused some softening of the front Liv was putting on.
“I didn’t know what to say,” Liv admitted. “How was I supposed to tell you this?” Of course she knew Dan didn’t have the answer. How could she when she didn’t even have the answer herself. “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that, but I couldn’t face you,” she explained not that it was an excuse. It was just the truth.
Liv wanted nothing more than to be with him. But she couldn’t. She knew she couldn’t. It didn’t work in her dreams. It wouldn’t work here. But Dan, he was so willing to try. So determined that they could make it work. Liv couldn’t help but be hopeful, perhaps that was more the brain she was on than Liv herself. But at the moment she didn’t care. She didn’t want to be logical. She wanted Dan. So she didn’t tell him she wanted him to walk away, or give up. No, instead she asked another question. “How, Dan? Tell me, how are we going to make this work?” Maybe he did have an answer.
Liv not telling him to go softened Dan a bit as well. His shoulders relaxed again and he put a hand against his forehead. The pounding from earlier in the day was back, making it hard for him to think. Liv was asking him how they were going to make this work and he didn’t have an answer ready for her right away and he was angry at himself for not having one. “We’re not going to push each other away,” he told her finally. “I understand that we cannea have sex, but there is more to love than just sex,” though, granted, it was going to be hard -- painful -- to be so close to each other and not be able to be with each other. “People do it. It won’t be easy, I know, but,” he reached for her hands, once again chilled in his own, “I donnea want to leave you alone like this. I donnea want you to be sad or lonely. I would never want that for you If you want to try, I’ll be here, ready to try with you.”
Of course Liv knew there was more to love than sex. But sex, well, it was a big part. Liv had tried a relationship without sex in her dreams. It didn’t work. Granted part of the issue was that Major couldn’t get past all her personality changes. But the no sex thing was a big factor. Why would she put her and Dan through that? She was about to explain all that to him when he went on.
He didn’t want to leave her alone? For her to be sad or lonely? “I’m not a charity case,” Liv replied removing her hands from his. “I’m a big girl, I can handle not having a boyfriend.” She had been doing just fine before Dan. But beside all that Dan deserved more. “I don’t want you to be stuck with someone you can’t truly be with. You don’t deserve that.”
“I’m not saying any of this out of pity, Liv,” Dan frowned at her. “I’m saying this because I fucking care about you! I’m not gettin’ stuck with you anymore than yer gettin’ stuck with me! And who are you to tell me what I do and don’t deserve? I think I know pretty damn well what I deserve. And I know what I want. And that’s you.”
But it was becoming more and more apparent to Dan that of the two of them, he was the one doing all the wanting. He didn’t think he could do that on his own, especially if she continued to fight him. His heart twisted again, but the anger was gone. The growing pain in his head was only outweighed by the increasing ache in his chest. “I have never felt for anyone else the way I feel for you. I would do anythin’ for you.” He already had, though Liv had no way of knowing the lengths Dan had already gone just to protect her. “I want to try to make us work. But we have to do it together. We have to figure it out together. If you cannea do that, if you donnea want to, I cannea make you. I won’t make you do something you cannea. So tell me what it is ye want, Liv.”
Liv was torn, between her head and her heart. Her head was telling her this wouldn’t work. That it would only cause them more pain down the road. But her heart… her heart wanted Dan. Wanted to believe it could work. At this moment, on this brain, her heart was winning.
“You,” Liv finally said. “I want you.” There was a point where she would deny that fact. No matter what brain she was on. A point where she would deny everything she felt for Dan. That was only a few weeks ago. But she admitted her feelings to both herself and him. She couldn’t go back to that denial. Back to lying.
“But I can’t have you Dan. Not in the way I want.” She paused stepping aside to finally allow Dan entrance into her home. THey didn’t have to keep having this conversation on her doorstep. She shut the door behind him. “Do you honestly think you could be with me knowing you can never be with me physically? That we can never share that intimacy again?”
Hearing that she wanted him gave him a little hope and it was that hope that made him enter her apartment when she stepped aside to let him in. Once he was inside, she was asking questions again. Questions full of doubt and with no easy answers. Dan was a sexual person. Unlike Liv, he didn’t need a deeper connection with someone before sleeping with them. But he had that with Liv. And now that he had, letting it go was no easy thing. He rubbed at his forehead again. “I’m not gonna lie,” he said. “I donnea know. But I can tell you that from the day we fooled around on your couch and you told me we couldn’t have sex to the day you showed up at my apartment, I wasn’t with anyone else. Not even Carolina.”
Dan rubbed his forehead again, fingers moving to message at his temple. Coming to Liv’s apartment still fighting a hangover had not been one of his better ideas. But at least they were talking now. Figuring something out as best they could. “There are people on the network,” he said. “People who can use magic. Maybe….I don’t know...but maybe one of them can help. But, even if they can’t, I’d rather be with you than without you. Even if we can’t have that same level of intimacy we had before.”
Dan’s words caused a mix of emotions for Liv. Again, she found the fact that he hadn’t been with anyone else romantic in a way. But the fact that he specified Carolina, Liv felt a twinge of jealousy. Well more than a twinge. She tried not to think much about Dan’s marriage, but she had convinced herself it was all just on paper. There was nothing between them other than friendship. The fact that they had sex up until her make out session with Dan. It hurt. More than Liv was expecting. But mostly she was jealous. Jealous that some other woman got to marry Dan. Jealous that someone else could be with Dan in a way that Liv couldn’t.
“Okay,” Liv finally said clinging on to that little bit of hope. “We’ll see if we can figure something out. Find a way to be together.” There was no network in her dreams. No magic. Maybe there was a chance. “But you have to promise me something,” Liv went on. It was killing her to say this but it was for Dan. “If we can’t. If there is no way for us to truly be together again. You have to let me go. Find someone you can be with.”
Dan sighed, but he relented. As much as he wanted to be with her, he understood her need to want to be sure that she wasn’t some kind of weight tied around his neck, keeping him back from...something. Dan could “be with” anyone. Finding a willing partner wasn’t an issue. Finding someone who he had a connection with like he had with Liv? He didn’t believe that was possible. “Aye, darlin’,” he said finally. “If that’s what ye want.”
That was what she meant though. For Dan to find someone he did have a connection with. Get over her and move on. As much as the thought of him with anyone else killed her, she did want him to be happy. “It’s what I want,” Liv managed to get the words out but she couldn’t contain her emotions any longer. The lump she had been trying to swallow, the tears she had been holding back, there was no holding them back any longer. Just the thought of Dan possibly no, probably, having to move on with someone else sent the tears sliding down her cheeks.
Dan was a sexual person, but despite what Liv may have thought, he wasn’t a particularly romantic person. He did, however, subscribe to the belief that there was a certain love that was a once in a lifetime kind. His father’d had felt something like that for his mother, only she had never returned it. Had never wanted to be the wife of a beat cop and did not want to be a single mother. But Daniel Smith, Sr., had wanted for her to be happy, so he had let her go and she had never come back. Senior had never fallen for anyone else. Now, so many years later, his son understood why.
Liv wanted him to be happy, but she made him happy. She made him want to be a better man. She made him believe that he could be.
He wanted to tell her not to cry. He wanted to tell her it would all be alright, but he couldn’t lie to her. He had no idea. He would do whatever needed to be done. He reached for her, putting his arms around her to draw her to him and hold her.
Liv didn’t pull away at his touch. Yes, it hurt being close to him like this knowing they could never be together the way they had just days ago. But despite the topic of conversation sex was the last thing on her mind at the moment. Right now she just needed Dan in general. Needed his comfort. How they were going to work this out she still had no idea. It was going to be beyond difficult. But she didn’t want to think about that right now. She just settled into his arms, her head settling against his chest. “I love you,” she murmured, finally answering that question he had asked when he first arrived. It wasn’t just when she was a human that she loved him. Liv had been in love with Dan for months now. Since the day he found out what she was.
He held her in his arms. He was as desperate for her to be happy as she was for him to be. If, in the end, that meant they had to let her go, if that's what she wanted, then he would have no choice but to let her go. But he wouldn’t do it without a fight. He would go to the ends of the Earth and back looking for something anything that would allow them to be together.
He held her tightly. “I love you, too,” he said gently.