Who: Amrothos, Zaira What: uh.... more visits, more serious talks, more ... stuff you'll have to read the log to see. When: Presentish!
Amrothos: *comes to visit Zaira again*
Zaira: *is up, with all of her log books and tally sheets and things, and daydreaming about her daughter*
Amrothos: Hey, you. *leans over her shoulder to see what she's up to* *seems to be in a decidedly cheery mood, but, well, he looks like crap, as if he hasn't slept* How're you?
Zaira: *smiles up at him* Doin' a bit better, boy... how're you? How's me girl?
Amrothos: She's doing well. Still feeding regularly and sleeping quietly, which I'm told is what little girls her age are supposed to do.
Zaira: S'long as she's healthy an'doin' what she's s'posed to do. *nods her head, softly* Hopin' t'get to see 'er soon. *looks at him a bit* Boy, forgive me for bein' blunt, but ye look like hell.
Amrothos: *shrugs one shoulder* It was a bit of a bad night. I'm fine. *sits down in a chair by Zaira*
Zaira: Yer not sleepin'. *eyes him* It ain't 'cause me daughter's keepin' ye up nights.... talk t'me?
Amrothos: No, it's not your daughter. She's good and quiet, if she cries much in the night, the knights tell me they can't hear her, so it's not that.
Zaira: *bends over some of her log books, picks up her quill, and starts scribbling something* Nar, I know it's not her. So what's keepin' ye up?
Amrothos: *shrugs* The usual. I never did sleep much.
Zaira: *eyes him*
Amrothos: I go around the city at night. You can judge the health of a city by the pulse of the nightlife. This city's still pretty quiet. Not much activity outside of the brothel district and the changing of the guard. But if you can look deeper than that...
Zaira: Yar? *listens to him, while working on a few more tallies*
Amrothos: *shifts in his chair, musing* ...well at night is when the children come out. Children without families, who won't go to the orphanages, for... whatever reason. There's as many reasons as there are children, though here there's not too many. But every city has them. It's taken me a while for them to get comfortable with me. But now they talk to me. They tell me... stories. *looking at his hands*
Zaira: *looks up at him* Not good stories, I'm takin' it.. not with that sort o'situation.
Amrothos: ...no, they're not good stories. Not... happy stories, anyway. Sometimes you get a story with a happier ending -- children who left refugee camps to track down their siblings, and found them, mostly. But you hear sad stories more. Some lost their parents in the war, others simply never had parents. Some have run away, either from home or an apprenticeship. And they all have stories of friends who... went missing. *after a moment* I write it all down in a book I keep.
Zaira: Children runnin' 'round without parents is one o'the harder realities of life, e'en outside th'cities... *sighs a bit* *very glad her child isn't an orphan* Ye can only do so much, boy...
Amrothos: ...a lot of them think anyone over sixteen is the enemy. They've reason to think so, I suppose, at least in Dol Amroth they've reason to think so, and I don't see how it's different here. I just... sometimes I think if somebody knows, even if it's only me, they're not living in meaningless suffering. It's not like you can do much, and really, what would I do? Sometimes I bring them food. I've offered to find work for those old enough to work, but most of them won't go. Some say when they're old enough they'll join the army. I write it all down anyway.
Zaira: Maybe writin' their stories down is th'very best thing ye CAN do for 'em.
Amrothos: It hardly feels like enough.
Zaira: Think o'it this way, boy... *blows some ink dry, and shuts her book* They're hurtin'. They're in a bad place, and they're sufferin'.... sometimes... just lettin' someone else KNOW that yer sufferin' is enough, but ... some of 'em are bein' forgotten by the'war, or they've got no family left t'remember 'em. *points at him* You do, an'yer writin' it down, which means so long as there's a book with their words in it somewheres, they can't be forgotten.
Amrothos: *smiles a very little bit* ...I guess that's why the idea first came to me to write the stories down. I was cooped up in one of those refugee camps myself, during the war... when they thought I was still in risk of dying from the blood loss... there was a woman there. I saw her every day at the entrance to the camp, watching the people come in, and every person, she asked, have you seen my son, and showed them a picture. And... one day, I thought... I thought I'd ask her, what her son's name was, where he was from, how old he was, where she'd last seen him. I... wrote his name down, and I said when I left, if I ever saw him, I'd tell him his mother was still looking for him... the next day there were hundreds of people, asking me if I'd write down the names of the people they were looking for, if I'd tell those people somebody was still alive who was looking for them. *looks like he might cry, but he doesn't, though his eyes are red* I guess that's when it started.
Zaira: *nods her head a bit* I remember, ye did that for me, too, when I told ye me 'da were missin'. .... *reaches out, and takes one of his hands* *squeezes it* Amro, ye got a heart bigger'n the entirety of Arda, I feckin' swear it....
Amrothos: *smiles tenatively at her, then reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a little leatherbound book* ...M is Minas Tirith, and I carry with me a list of people from the camps who said the person they were looking for was last in Tirith, or from there. *opens it* ...while I've been here, I've passed word on to ten people that somebody's looking for them, and I confirmed forty-two deaths. Sometimes, just wondering if somebody's alive and not knowing is worse than being told they're dead. *softly* That only leaves another 143 names in Tirith, though I've added about 50 more from people here in the city looking for somebody out in the provinces. I wonder what people think, when my letters come, long with the dead.
Zaira: Well... *looks over the book, with a sad expression on her face* ... I think if it were me, what got a letter from ye, sayin' me 'da'd been found dead for instance. I'd be sad, o'course, 'cause me 'da was dead, but I'd also be feckin' relieved. Knowin', is sometimes, th'best thing, when ye already wonder if they're dead 'er alive. An'I think, I'd be grateful, that someone tried t'find some peace o'mind for me.
Amrothos: ...*nods slowly, tiredly* That helps. A bit. I wish I had good news to report more often. I've hundreds... about a thousand names, I think, and I've only been able to pass word on to a few dozen people. I wish I had more happy endings.
Zaira: When I get t'be a bit better, I'm takin' me girl down to Pelargir. I can maybe copy down some o'these names, and look there?
Amrothos: ...to Pelargir? Why not to Dol Amroth? *a little..... concerned, now. Doesn't mean to ignor eher question but finds the matter of her not returning to Dol Amroth a bit more pressing*
Zaira: Yar, for business as well as family reasons. *nods her head*
Amrothos: ...but you'll be bringing her to Dol Amroth after, right? >.>
Zaira: Me trade's been settled in Pelargir fer th'last 6 months're so... I'm doin' better business out o'that port, it's closer to th'places me ships sail to, and I get access t'things up river when Ithilien's done bein' cleared out.
Zaira: On top o'that, her grammie and auntie an'Uncle are all there, are or nearby...
Zaira: *chews her lip* It ain't set in stone, jes' think she aught t'be near 'em..
Amrothos: *stands up and puts the book back in his pocket to hide the fact he's rather upset by the news. paces around like he's just thinking, instead of anxious* Of course, she should be with her family, you're right. I just... thought... that I'd get to see her, that's all.
Amrothos: I thought I'd get to see YOU.
Zaira: *watches him pace a bit* Yer ... ... well..
Zaira: *stands up, walks over to him* Amrothos.. I care 'bout ye, an'I ne'er lied 'bout that. If yer wantin' t'see me, and me girl, more often, we can work somethin' out. I ain't abandonin' ye, I promised I'd be here in some way an'I will.
Amrothos: *clasps his hands behind his back, which is what his father does at times like this* ...no it's... it makes sense. You said your man had family there, it makes sense that she would... be where her family is. You don't... have... anything in Dol Amroth like that.
Zaira: Ye've got YOU there, an'that's jes as important to me. An'I think I'd like it if she got t'see you, too. .... An' he was ne'er really my man, Amrothos. I'd appreciate it if you dwelled on that a bit less, seein' as I barely do, these days. *leans against the wall*
Amrothos: I'm not dwelling, you're moving to Pelargir with your daughter to be near his family, that's not exactly an empty gesture! *realizes that sounds a bit harsh, and tries to sound calmer and more... restrained* I'm sorry, Zaira, I just... I guess I've grown attatched. I thought I'd get to watch her grow up and dote on her like some kind of very wealthy uncle.
Zaira: That's fer HER benefit, not mine. Girl deserves t'know 'er father's family. I can't make that go away, boy, e'en if I'm ready to move beyond it. .... But I didn' know ye felt this way, or I'd've consulted ye first. Just as easy t'move th'business t'Dol Amroth an make visits t'Pelargir regularly.
Amrothos: It's not up to me to be telling you how to live your life and you shouldn't be making changes to it just because I've got a soft spot for a baby who's so young that in five years she won't even remember my face. If business is good in Pelargir, stay in Pelargir. As you say, it's closer to your work and good for business then your goal should be to take care of your family.
Zaira: *looks at him* Maybe I'd miss ye, too.
Amrothos: Me? *lightly, though he doesn't feel very light* I'm utterly forgettable and there's all those handsome men in Pelargir to turn your head with their seamen's riches.
Zaira: I ain't lookin' at those other men right now, boy, an'I won't be lookin' at 'em later, neither. *softly*
Amrothos: ...there's something you should know, before you go on.
Zaira: ... *nods, and waits*
Amrothos: I'm the guardian of a boy, named Alasseon. His father left it to me to care for the boy's financial needs before he died. I've taken to caring for the boy's mother too... I send them money but they're in... difficult times, like everyone.
Amrothos: ...should times get much harder my duties as a friend to the dead would obligate me to find a permanent and socially acceptable end to their financial difficulties. Do you follow what I'm saying?
Zaira: Yar, I'm followin' ye.
Amrothos: ...don't wait for me, don't wait and hope I'll change my mind or something will be different. Don't wait, Zaira, my future's not my own. I'm the Prince's son.
Amrothos: I hope to go back to sea within the year. I do not... desire... a political marriage, and my father would not force me to have one, but my brother would. If I outlive my father, I will be bound by duty on every side, even more than I am now.
Zaira: *works her jaw a bit, and nods* Y'know... I'd like t'think, that if ye really wanted this, Imrahil'd find a way o'clearin' most o'those duties up, if only t'secure some happiness for ye. But I ain't that stupid. You wouldn' take th'door, e'en if it were wide feckin' open.
Amrothos: ...really think hard, Zaira, I care about you too much to drag you away from the life you love into that hard, cold world. Dol Amroth is beautiful but the prince's citadel isn't a place for you to live your life. It's not a place for your daughter. Really think Zaira, that's what I mean. What Amrothos means. Being the wife of Captain Amrothos is a world away from the sea. And I won't do that to you. I won't... abandon my family and my duties, and I won't... torture you, because that's what it would be. It would be torture.
Amrothos: To live every day in sight of the sea and have no liberty to sail. To walk the city with never a private moment or... the comfort of annonymity. To be in the broadsides every day, to have your daily activities scrutinized. To have people doing things for you that you can do yourself. To hear the petty talk of politicians and tire yourself on the tedious whining of the council of noblemen. That's what... that's what you'd get if you waited, and I won't... I'd never... not to you. Not to you, Zaira.
Zaira: .... *lets out a bit of a sigh* We don' have t'get married t'love eachother.
Zaira: *then shakes her head, and goes back to sitting* Ne'ermind. Ferget I said anythin', as ye've pretty much made up yer mind, it seems.
Amrothos: That's not fair to your daughter, and you know that. I'm not an ordinary person, Zaira, if our names were connected romantically her name would be in every parlor before she was even three and so would yours.
Zaira: Our names're already connected, an you know it.
Amrothos: *turns and looks out the window* I won't... cheat you out of a good life. Not because you love me, or I love you, or something stupid like that. I can go back to the city and in about a week make them forget our names were ever connected, I'm good at that. But... I can't play a game with you, I can't be your lover sometimes, if it's convenient, or if I'm around, or if I'm not busy. I won't be your daughter's father occasionally, if I feel like it, or if it doesn't trouble me. That's not fair, and that's not what I want.
Amrothos: It was so much simpler when we could pretend to be friends, uncomplicated and... unconflicted. But I won't... rob you of your chances of having a real family. Not when there are good men in the world, men who'd take care of you, and her, and give you the freedom you deserve. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not so selfish I can't see what... what I mean, what happens to people who are around me. I know what I am. What my meaning has become, because of who I am the child of.
Zaira: .... jes' tell me this..
Zaira: If ye weren't th'Prince's son. If ye weren't expected t'marry yer friend's woman, if that's what she needs .... what would y'want then?
Amrothos: *lowers his head and sighs* I don't know, Zaira, I don't even know what I want now. The war messed me up, sometimes I think I don't want anything, and sometimes I think I want the things I lost, and sometimes I think I just want to start over, a clean slate.
Amrothos: Well nothing is easy to come by, so if I don't want anything I'm all set. If I really want something else... doesn't seem like I'm going to get it, does it? I try not to want anything. It doesn't work of course, my head's too full of visions of a happy world, a fair world, one where people don't suffer. Maybe I've put all my longing into that, because everything else hurts too much.
Zaira: I appreciate ye bein' honest with me. *softly*
Amrothos: *sighs* ...when you were a girl, and I was a pretty lieutenant, did you ever think it'd be like this? With me standing here, looking out the window, because I can't look at you? I bet you thought I was decisive, that I was brave, that if I loved somebody I'd never let them go, that I'd do anything for love, because I'm so daring and I do so many other dangerous things. *leaning against the window sill* Everybody thinks that about me. But it's not like that.
Zaira: When I was a girl, and you were a lieutenant, the only thing I thought was that you were handsome, looked excellent in black, and were completely, and utterly, out o'my reach.
Zaira: .... I'm thinkin' now .... that I wished I'd kept thinkin' that way... since somehwere along th'way here I decided maybe ye weren't, and now I'm findin' out that I was right all along.
Amrothos: *laughs softly, his first genuine laughter of the day, though it's rather painful for him to laugh* I'm so sorry, Zaira. You shouldn't have to be right.
Amrothos: If I was anybody else, choosing you would be the easy choice. But because I am who I am, it's not even a choice, and that's not fair, not to you, and, at the moment, I feel like it's not fair to me either.
Zaira: Nar, it isn't fair.
Zaira: But it's life, an' I ne'er heard that life were particularly fair...
Zaira: I'm not sure it's been, t'me, though I can't complain. I've got a beautiful baby girl an'I even managed t'live t'see her.
Zaira: Wantin' more'n that was just ... feckin' stupid.
Amrothos: *turns away from the window to look at her* ...someday I'll change that, someday it will be different, and it won't be like this. Someday it WILL be fair. I'll... I know I can't do it in my lifetime, but I'll start things, and somebody will pick it up when I'm gone, and your daughter will grow up in a different world. A better one.
Amrothos: I don't have anything to give you but hollow-sounding promises, about changing the world and helping you in a distant future, but I swear, Zaira... I promise, your girl will have a world that's more fair than the one we have. If I die and I can only look back at one thing, and say, that's better, that's more fair, then... so be it. I promise you that, at least.
Zaira: I think I'd prefer it if ye didn' make me any promises right 'bout now, thank you.
Amrothos: *...opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again, and turns back to the window* Do you want me to go?
Amrothos: I know my bedside manner quite stinks, and every time I come here I swear I leave you feeling worse than when I arrived.
Zaira: It's only 'cause ye let me in so close, an'then push me off... then let me in... then push me off.... I ain't a fish, Amro. Either ye want me t'be close to 'ye, an' let yer guards drop, or yer wantin' t'keep this formal, in which 'case ye visit far too often, and .... Ye really should stop givin' me expensive gifts, an' tuckin' me into bed, and ... *sighs* I can't do this any better'n you can. I don't want ye to go. I want ye t'come here, and take me in yer arms, and give me a nice, warm kiss that's better'n the awkward one we had t'begin with.
Zaira: But wantin' ain't gettin, and I know it, and frankly I don't feckin' care if my wants are inappropriate, or what broadside it ends up in if I want you.
Amrothos: *closes his eyes and swallows* I'm sorry. I really am. I just... it's hard for me, I don't have friends anymore. I used to. They were people I'd been around so long other people had stopped noticing. I'm used to giving expensive presents if I damn well want to, coming all hours of the day and night, thinking nothing of it. I'm used to staying up all night with a bottle of wine and a game of cards, if that's what's on the table, or sitting in silence and saying nothing at all and that being perfectly fine. I'm used to people who know my secrets, all of them, and aren't troubled if I talk about them one day and pretend I haven't got any the next. I'm very bad at this. I'm alone now, and it frightens me, and I keep trying to make things like they used to be for me, and I never can, because it's not the same, and never will be. I shouldn't come so often, you're right, it's unseemly, and yet... you're my friend, if nothing else, and I care for you, very much, who gives a damn about seemliness when a friend is in need?
Amrothos: Perhaps I should be... formal, and forgo any selfish desire to somehow keep you stranded in the realm where I can tell you anything but you never have any obligations to me. It IS a selfish desire, I just... sometimes I long for someone to talk to, I always had it in the past, and now... I don't. But I shouldn't try to make you into somebody you're not, or make our relationship something it isn't. It can never be intimate, and it's wrong to tell you too many things that imply we could be when we can't.
Zaira: Tell ye what.
Zaira: I can be yer friend just fine. And ye can tell me everything ye want, 'cause that don' make us lovers, it just makes us friends. I want t'keep yer friendship. I'm also fond o'cards an'don't really mind stayin' up all night with wine, now that I can DRINK it again. And now that I'm understandin' where things are, and where they're ne'er goin' t'be, it's easier fer me. All ye e'er needed to do was have this conversation with me t'begin with. *chuckles a bit* *winces* *sighs* Keep me close. Come and visit. Spoil me girl like an Uncle. Be a like a friend or a brother instead o'somethin' else. Yer still family.
Zaira: I mean that.
Amrothos: *turns around slowly* I'd... like to remain friends, yes. I think... more than anything I need a friend. I don't know what you need, but until I've got friends I don't think I can ever have or even truly want anything else. Maybe... maybe someday... this conversation won't hurt me, the way knowing I've hurt you and disappointed you and... denied you things you want hurts me now, but... I don't know.
Zaira: ... I don't know, either. I'm not sure it hurts as much as I thought it'd hurt, though I won't lie, it DOES hurt. But I think, lettin' me get what I wanted, the life yer talkin' bout, that woulda hurt worse. Yer right.
Zaira: I think I'll be okay so long as I don't lose ye entirely. Yer too important t'me fer that.
Amrothos: ...you couldn't get rid of me if you went the way of Numenor and sank like a stone, Zaira. I'll always stick my head in and get involved when I really shouldn't. That's not a promise, so much, as just the facts.
Zaira: *gets back up from her chair, stumbles over to him, and wraps an arm around him* Don't let yerself hurt too much o'er this. Ye've got plenty of other cares an'woes, an'I'm not angry at ye fer this day's work. Not anymore, anyways. I think it takes a lot o'strength t'come in here and say what you said.
Amrothos: *hugs her carefully* I think if I'd know what I was going to say when I came here I wouldn't have come, maybe. *just being honest* But it's said, and can't be unsaid, and maybe that will help things.
Zaira: That would've only hurt us both worse, later.
Zaira: But I think, yar, it might. *lets out a bit of a sigh* I think I'd like t'see me girl..
Amrothos: I can bring her to you.
Amrothos: I've been waiting for the word.
Zaira: Can ye bring 'er without makin' 'er sick? I 'eard she were... really, really tiny...
Amrothos: She's very small but she's in wonderful health, Zaira. And as long as you don't cough, spit, or sneeze on her, she should be all right if I bring her. She won't die just because I carried her into the citadel.
Zaira: *nods her head* I'd really like that, I think, and I'm almost up an'around enough t'take care o'her.
Amrothos: *lets go of her very carefully* I can bring her now for a short visit, if you want, and take her back and get her ready to come to stay in a few days.
Zaira: *smiles at him* I'd be really, really grateful if ye did...
Amrothos: *smiles back at her and helps her sit down* Now I'll be back in just a few minutes!
Zaira: *beams a smile at him and nods her head* *waits, somewhat impatiently*