Maybe I'll be out o'prison soon.
Who: Zaira, Amrothos What: More visits, and in-depth discussions, plus mixed signals! When: Present! Where: Zaira's Citadel room.
Zaira: *is currently installed in a very comfy chair, and trying to work through a bowl of soup!*
Amrothos: *knocks on the door* Zaira? You awake?
Healer: *goes to get the door for her, clucking at her to eat more soup while she does* *opens the door, smiles* She is awake, and I think it would cheer her up to have some company!
Amrothos: *smiles as he comes into the room, taking off a hat. Yeah, he actually wore a hat* Thank you. *walks over to Zaira* How're you?
Zaira: *looks up from her soup and smiles a bit at him* They let me walk t'day, maybe I'll be out o'prison soon. *winks a bit at him, and giggles* Want some soup?
Healer: *ducks outside to give them some privacy*
Amrothos: I'll take a bit of soup. *sits by Zaira* Your daughter's beautiful, but I think she wants to see you. I've been trying to sing to her but I don't know what songs you want to sing.
Zaira: Yar, they told me you were carin' for 'er... *smile softens a bit* I miss 'er, already, though I've been too asleep to spend too much time worryin' 'bout it. ... but I think... any songs'd be nice. *pushes over her soup* Here, still warm.
Amrothos: *takes the soup and the spoon* She's beautiful. Do you know when I'll be able to bring her back here? She really ought to be with her mother, though it's been nice to have her. It's been ages since I've been around a child that young.
Zaira: *leans back in her chair a bit* They're tellin' me it ain't that simple... She'll be needin' a wetnurse, still, an' then there's bringin' her here.. an'how up'an'around I can be, too. *looks tired even thinking about it* Maybe another week?
Amrothos: *in a teasing sort of tone* if you let me have her much longer I may not feel like giving her back. *but recognizes the severity of the situation* honestly Zaira I don't do much. I let the wetnurse handle most of it
Zaira: *looks at him* Yer soup's goin' to get cold, boy..
Amrothos: *oh right, soup. does begin to eat the soup, though his tone takes on a reflective quality* before the war, a lady friend of mine once said she never thought I'd be a good father. She said she could never see me staying in one place long enough to raise a child properly. She ought to have known -- her parents were always on the move.
Amrothos: Something about being around your little girl makes me think though, in ways I haven't for years, how it would be nice to have a real family, like Elphir does.
Zaira: *listens to him speak for a time, attentively ... as attentively as possible anyway... and then slowly nods* Think I realised that, when I were havin' those dreams. Woulda given anythin' up in those dreams, just to let that girl have a normal father an'mother... normal life. ... I think it gets t'be somethin' ye want more, when ye get older..
Amrothos: *nods his head solemnly, before draining the last of the soup* ...maybe I've gotten old then, without my own permission. *trying to be reassuring, maybe* I grew up without a mother, most of my life. She died when I was young, and Father wasn't... well we all knew Dol Amroth came first. I turned out all right, I think you'll do wonderfully with your daughter. Maybe a normal life isn't as important as being loved.
Zaira: Could be right... not sure I turned out th'way me 'da would've liked. I'm nothin' like me mam, according to th'crew. Really don' want her turnin' out like me. Sea's no place t'be raisin' anyone, let alone her. *tugs her blankets around her more closely* I'll figure it out. Jes' wish it weren't goin' to be as hard ... as I know it is.
Amrothos: *reaches over, takes Zaira's hand and holds it* You're up to it, Zaira, it's not a challenge too great. Not for you. You've been through so much to get here, you're not going to be bested by this.
Zaira: *takes his hand, squeezes it* Thanks, boy.
Amrothos: *holds tightly onto her hand* How can I help you?
Zaira: *shakes her head* Yer already helpin' me enough... Never goin' to be able to repay you for watching me girl like this.
Amrothos: I don't want to be repaid, Zaira. Watching her is wonderful. It's hardly any work for me at all. Putting her in my room and sleeping with the knights is no difficulty.
Amrothos: You didn't ask me to take her on, I did it myself. I was afraid you'd be mad at me, admittedly, since I didn't ask.
Zaira: *laughs, at that, then .. once again... immediately regrets it and winces* Ye go through things like that, an'the only concern, other than th'fact that ye need a damn long sleep... is makin' sure yer child's safe, if she ain' right near you. ... priorities, they change, a bit.
Zaira: I weren't angry.. I was feckin' relieved. It's harder t'keep 'er safe now... that she's born an'all.
Amrothos: ...she's always safe with me. That's a promise, Zaira. The armies of Mordor could rip this city apart a second time, and I swear to you, your daughter would make it to safety without a scratch. *is perhaps more intense and honest than he's ever been in his life* I would never, ever, let anything happen to her. Or you.
Zaira: *is extremely touched by his sincerity, so much so that she almost breaks down into tears, again, though at least not bad ones this time* *whispers* I believe you, Amrothos.
Amrothos: *wonders if he's said the wrong thing, and attempts to reassuringly squeeze her hand again* I know I don't always make sense, Zaira, but you're my friend, and I would walk across the sea for you. You can count on that. Whatever you need, I'll find a way to get it for you. My father could tell you I'm bad at following orders, and my brother could tell you I'm bad at obeying the rules of society when it comes to things you just accept, but I always find a way for my friends. Always.
Zaira: *nods her head again, while trying to get her thoughts straight. She already knows he'd do almost anything, and she never doubted he would have gotten the King and dragged him to her, if he'd been there when she gave birth, but.... ... also remembers him saying, he was to be nothing more than a friend* *isn't sure where her needs overturn his feelings or where her feelings drive her needs* *rubs at her head* I know yer friends are important to ye.
Amrothos: ...maybe I feel guilty, since my friends were my only real family before the war and now most of them are gone. I don't want to make the same mistake twice, of taking for granted the people who mean the most to me.
Amrothos: You think you've got all the time in the world to tell somebody how much they mean to you and suddely you're being loaded into a wagon to be taken to the healers and you don't know you'll never... *his voice chokes in his throat and he stops*
Zaira: *squeezes his hands* ... see them again, an' then, it's only when ye realise ye won't, that ye wonder how much got left unsaid, er what more ye could've done, or how it could've ended otherwise, an'ye realise people really leave, an'there's nothin' ye can do t'stop it, but it makes ye so angry that you decide yer goin' to try anyway, with e'eryone else in yer life.
Zaira: *gently* And yer bein' so determined and firey 'bout it, that most of us left in it can't do anythin' but believe you when you say they ain' leavin'. I think that's why I'm still here .. well . that an'some big impressive elf.
Amrothos: *in a whisper that is paper-thin, as if it might tear apart merely by daring to speak the words* ...he should have been my brother, that's certainly how I saw him, I should have told him, just once, that I loved him more than my own kin. Now I can't tell him anything, I can barely stand to face his widow.
Amrothos: *forces himself to brush it away, it's too painful, though he can't speak until something in his throat passes* ...I'm glad you're still here, Zaira. I would not have forgiven you if you had died.
Zaira: That mighta weighed more on me than leavin' me girl behind would've... *wrinkles her brow and looks at him, searchingly, then finally releases one of his hands so she can press her hand to his face* *gently* Yer goin' t'have to stop doin' that, someday .... bottlin' it up, savin' it off somewhere.... it ain't goin' t'do anythin' but make it hurt worse, an'longer.
Amrothos: *leans his face into her hand, because he is tired, and weary, and weary of feeling alone* Some losses go so deep it's impossible to talk about it, except in little broken bits here and there...
Zaira: Ye don' have t'tell me yer heart's broken, for me t'know it is, or fer you t'let some of th'pain out somehow. *caresses, a bit*
Amrothos: *somehow ends up with his face pressed against Zaira's shoulder. He wraps his arms around her gently, almost like a child* ...sometimes it's hard to know what's broken it, so many things make it hurt these days.
Zaira: *runs her fingers through his hair, in an effort to be soothing, and wraps the other arm around him* Sometimes it breaks off in bits an'pieces, aye, with th'pieces scattered to th'four winds, and your not knowing where they went, or what made 'em break off. But it's alright, boy.... better t'just face it, only glue I know of.
Amrothos: *very softly, almost whispered* You're wise beyond your years, Zaira, with the kind of wisdom that comes from pain, and though you comfort me, almost all of me wishes you were still that blushing girl who spilled wine on me all those years ago, if only to know your life hadn't been as hard as I know it has been.
Zaira: *keeps running her fingers through his hair* Ye remember that almost as well as I do... but ye know what, boy? Feck... we were both younger, an'th rough stuff we've faced since, might've been rougher than th'stuff we faced afore it ... but e'en then, that blushin' girl'd been through quite a bit ... and I'd like t'think with a bit o'wine and good company we could both forget how hard it's been an'just be who we are.
Amrothos: *pulls away from her, not violently, but gradually, as if it's occured to him he's being horribly inappropriate* I hardly know who I am. The people who were my guiding stars have vanished into the night, and I'm sailing blind like my compass has broken.
Zaira: *frowns a bit, feeling like she just suddenly lost more ground with him than she'd gained, but doesn't try and draw him back in... since... is unsure he would let her* Yer Amrothos. Yer confused, and yer confusin', but yer friends love ye anyway. Yer devoted, ye have a heart bigger'n than this city, an'a way of gettin' fired up over things that most people'd rather ignore. Yer passionate 'bout doin' what ye feel is right, an'carin' for people what deserve it, no matter who they are. That's who ye are.
Amrothos: *suddenly laughs, as if he wants to put all of this behind him and forget about it* And a great big mess that nobody really wants to get tangled up in.
Amrothos: *growing serious, even though he's still laughing, but it's a terrible, almost frightening kind of sobriety* I'm a whole lot of loose ends, Zaira, don't you ever forget that. I'm like a piece of cloth cut out of the loom and unraveling at every edge. Don't you ever forget it.
Zaira: *takes all of that in, while looking at him searchingly, again* *softly* Y'know what they do with unravelin' cloth .... someone's got t'come along what sews up all th'edges and makes th'cloth into somethin it'd be proud t'be.
Zaira: .... I won't forget it, though, boy.. *sounds almost hurt, somehow* I won't forget it, but I think yer not as big a mess as ye think ye are.
Amrothos: *gets up out of his chair, at which point he begins to pace, and won't look at Zaira* I just know what happens to people like me, that's all. They die. They die, old at thirty, maybe thirty-five, old like my father is now, far too old for their time. We burn out, and then we're gone. Just like that. It's why I know I'll never really be a husband, a father. Because I'm going to burn out, like a candle left going all night.
Amrothos: But I wouldn't trade a second of my life to have more time, you understand me? I wouldn't trade a second of it, and I refuse to slow down now just to have a few more minutes somewhere later. It doesn't change the here and now, but you've got to understand, Zaira, people too close to me die young, and you've got to live a long while yet, you've got to live for your daughter, or I'll be furious with you.
Amrothos: *pacing enough that if he kept it up he might actually wear a hole in the carpet* As long as you always understand that you should be all right, and I swear I'll never let it harm your little girl, but it's something you've got to understand before this goes on much longer. Nobody keeps up with me, they get old trying, and for their own safety nobody should try.
Zaira: *slowly rises out of her chair and walks, even more slowly, over to him* Listen t'me now. All th'men in my family have lived a good, damn, fecking long time. They've lived t'see at least 60 years an'still keep sailin'. They lived to see most of th'women and family they love, die. Me mam, an'me grammy, not so much, but I was always more like me 'da, anyway.
Zaira: I figure, if I survived this, there ain't much else that's gonna kill me afore I'm well an'feckin' ready to leave this world. It certainly won't be from hangin' around you. E'en if you work yourself up into a frenzy and start burning so fast that take down everyone else with ye .... *shakes her head* Been 'round people like that already. Maybe I'm feckin' fireproof. Maybe I'm th'one what won't get scared off, or run off, or burned away, or worn out by ye.
Zaira: I'm livin' for me girl, an' not just 'cause it'd make ye furious if I didn't, but because I made a promise that if I got through this, I would. I keep me promises. An' .... tell ye what else.... Gets to a point where ye realise it's time t'slow yerself down. Maybe ye'll figure that out afore ye die, an when ye do, I hope for feck's sake ye come find me, 'cause I'll still feckin' BE here.
Amrothos: *swallows a lump in his throat; he can remember the last time he had someone steadfast in his life, and the loss of it is so palpable he thinks he might start crying* ...Zaira... Zaira you really shouldn't stand, you should be resting. Look what I've gone and done. *instantly changes to almost protective and slightly paternal* I'm wearing you out, and I should let you rest. Can I help you back to the bedroom?
Zaira: *takes another step toward him, then stumbles a bit and catches herself against him* It's not yer fault, I jes... wanted ye to listen, an'I hope ye did, instead o'worryin' 'bout me. Really... want ye to listen, I don't think either o'us listen enough..
Amrothos: *gently, with excruciating care, picks Zaira up, as if she's made of feathers* I never listen, my father could tell you that.
Zaira: *wraps an arm up around his neck to steady him a bit* *closes her eyes and snuggles in* *whispers* S'alright, boy.... I ne'er listen either....
Amrothos: That's too bad I was saying important things. I find that's what people hear the least, every time... *carries her back to the bedroom, and tucks her in bed*
Zaira: Nar ... was listenin' that time... just not sure I liked what I was hearin'. *snuggles into the blankets, suddenly and utterly worn out*
Amrothos: *smoothes her hair with his fingers, then leans down and gives her a kiss on the forehead* I'll come back soon.
Zaira: *nods her head softly, smiles a bit at the kiss, and lets herself drift off*