Purify my love, baby.
It's been a doozy of a last couple of weeks, folks. Oh yeah. You know what I'm talking about.
Let me tell you, there's nothing quite like waking up to the sounds of an angry mob burning effigies on your front lawn.
Those landscapers, man. You put one stop payment on a check because they didn't trim your bushes just right, and everything just goes straight to hell in a handbasket. You know the type, the ones lined with those doilies your grandma used to crochet?
...and then there're these Purifier guys.
Between you and me, I think those folks could use a rebranding. It's no good for your cause when people keep coming up to you to ask if you know where to get a replacement water filter. (Hey, don't knock it - it worked for Blackwater.) Note to self: They don't sell water filters, and they get kind of shirty when asked.
But seriously, folks, these Purifiers were going all-out. Mass pamphleting campaign, insane media blitz, torture of the genetically different masses... it was kind of like the last general election all over again, only with less potentially awkward and unjustifiable wardrobe expenditures. In fact, it was so overwhelming, even our President couldn't stand it, and threw only the second known recorded Messianic hissy fit on national TV. (Don't worry, Jesus. They still haven't come up with a better logo than yours. Two thousand years and you're still rockin' that crucifix, baby. Don't ever change. Love ya.)
In the ultimate example of Why Extremism is For Chumps and Crazy Old Bearded Men Living In Caves, it seems their plan to make everyone Just Like Them backfired, and now everyone on the face of the planet has the uncanny ability to make Michael Jackson look like a regular, normal example of manhood. Wow. I totally couldn't see that coming, y'all.
As further evidence of this particularly awesome turn of events, it turns out that I really can kill people with my mind.
On the downside, this means I'm going to have to find a new camera crew before Monday evening.
...
And replace the carpet in my dressing room. Things got kind of messy when I told my hairdresser to quit parting my locks to the left.