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[27 Nov 2009|02:59am] |
When you write a celebrity in a roleplaying game (and sometimes many of them in one game, or the same one in multiple games, whatever floats your boat), sometimes strange things come floating into your brain. Some of them are caused by late nights, while others are caused by consumable liquids that alter your way of thinking and operating heavy machinery. Thankfully, as I've found while discussing it with many people, I'm not the only one that's pondered what exactly it would be like to become famous and, more importantly, be portrayed in a roleplaying game. Admit it, we've all thought about it. (You haven't? Well what the fuck.) So with a little inspiration, I figured I would write up a little handy dandy guide to writing me. (And yes, I will quote my sources.)
A GUIDE TO WRITING JESSICA
by Jessica
Rule 001. Probably one of the most important things, as it happens quite often: quote song lyrics as often as you can in the most ridiculous way. The most common artists quoted include The Killers, Lady GaGa, Elton John, and anyone else that's ever written anything that could be shouted at the top of your lungs while drunkenly stumbling down the street. Not that it happens often. The best times to do this is when a. someone is mad, b. someone is upset, c. someone has said something that feels like they've set you up for it, d. someone deserves a good RickRoll. It usually gets a laugh if they recognize the song, which is why it's important to know your audience. Chances are, they'll probably know the words to Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp over the words to Get Trashed by The Killers. However, don't be disillusioned by this; situations are bound to end in laughs if they know that song, because seriously.
Rule 002. Find the most ridiculous shit on the internet. Send a link. Tell them how hilarious you think it is. With the right people, throw in a "LMAO" or two. This is one of my greatest tools for breaking awkward silences and cheering people up, or even cheering myself up for that matter. Oftentimes I find myself in a situation where I have to find a crazy picture of such-and-such that I saw three months ago and I HAVE TO FIND IT RIGHT NOW. This is why bookmarking is essential because, if I can give you a hint, I have the worst memory known to mankind. I will not remember that picture of such-and-such from three months ago. However, I will never forget that one phrase that so-and-so said and will quote it at random to them one day, which will be received whole-heartedly with a "...what?" In fact, that reaction is pretty important anyway. Websites often visited to provide ridiculous shit include the following: Toothpaste For Dinner, The Oatmeal, and YouTube. Feel free to use your own sites. Improvising is welcomed and appreciated.
Rule 003. Music is the most important thing to you, and is most likely going to be the reason for needing this guide. You will reference playing guitar and piano, your knowledge of every wind and percussion instrument in an orchestra, and the fact that you're singing for 20 hours of every day (even with a full night's sleep, you are often found talking, walking, and singing in your slumber). You were once a double music major in college (but only for a semester) so this gives you a slight advantage in any conversation about music theory, which will probably never happen unless you are friends with Ronnie Vannucci (I highly suggest this, but refer yourself to rule #9 in this guide). Updates about music are the ones to happen most often, followed by food and being in love.
Rule 004. Have the biggest and most random set of friends ever. This helps in celebrity roleplaying games because seriously, where else would Ronnie Vannucci be friends with Selena Gomez, right? Same goes for me, but for realsies. Be friends with old people, young people, men (gay and straight)...always talk about not having any female friends your age but have a shit ton. Have friends that are interested in the same crap you are, and have friends that don't want anything to do with the same shenanigans you're into every night. Have those friends that will basically say, "what the fuck" and not find anything you say to be amusing. For some stupid reason, I like those people. Also, as much of a variety of friends as you may have, don't actually have a best friend. It's weird to say, but you've never had one person that's said that you're their one best friend. But be okay with that! Because then you get to have a shit ton of friends that aren't held any higher than the rest.
Rule 005. Hold the most polar opposite people the closest. For example: the brother. He's loud and obnoxious to anyone and everyone, while you're shy and quiet unless you know the person. He's a huge dick, you don't try to hurt anyone's feelings. He only feels like he's having fun if he's high, drunk, or both; you much prefer to be sober for the most part, thanks. No matter how angry he might make you and no matter how much you might bitch about him, always consider him one of the very few people that understand you 100%. And if, by the time you start writing me, I'm still dating Sam? Same thing. Love him with everything you've got and brag about it constantly, but never forget that he's a huge asshole, he gets drunk on a weekly basis, and he drives you completely insane. Never talk about marriage outwardly but always mention it in passing ("if I'm married by this time" or "since I'm stuck with this guy for the rest of my life" etc).
Rule 006. Be a huge hermit. Don't get out and go anywhere unless Sam makes you. Even then, don't enjoy it a whole lot. Talk about taking pictures but forget to do so. Always ask people to come over but never expect them to until they show up. Be kind of a mess and leave half-empty glasses of water/tea sitting around. Don't go see movies unless someone else pays--however, this may change if I ever have more money, so keep that in mind. In fact, the only times you may ever venture out into the real world are when you have to work or shop for groceries, and usually the latter is at night for something random like frozen custard or candy. And when you do so, be incredibly indecisive about it and worry about your choice until you purchase it...then om nom nom that sucker.
Rule 007. Make lists. Never end them with anything except 5 or 10. For lists larger than 10 items, have one or two zeros in front of the number. If anyone asks, it's because you're picky (and a little superstitious, but no one needs to know that part).
Rule 008. Frown upon your Missouri upbringing, but use slang terms like "y'all" and "fixin'" fairly often. For bonus points, you may play it off to anyone that's not from the south and say that you're the least Missouri-like person they know, but know the truth and let it slip a few times to anyone from Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas, Tennessee, etc. You're from Springfield, so mention Brad Pitt and Lucas Grabeel a few times. If they're ever in the same game as you (and God help you if either of them are), covertly mention it so you feel like you have something in common with them.
Rule 009. Have an unhealthy obsession admiration for Ronnie Vannucci. It was brought on by roleplaying, so don't be shy in mentioning it in passing. However, and this is the most important point of this whole presentation probably, do not fangirl. In fact, be the shyest to him out of everyone. Why? Because that's what you do, don't ask. It makes no sense to you and there's no reason why you should ever try to not be shy because it only ends in disaster--feel free to talk about the time you wrote a love letter to Dave Moffatt and handed it to him in person only to see him hand it to a bodyguard who opened it and read it right in front of you--so just let it happen naturally. Ronnie's a cool guy, you'll eventually be more comfortable around you.
Rule 010. Do not (I repeat this for importance: DO NOT) break up with whoever I may be married to/engaged to/dating in real life unless I personally do it first. I know, you really really really want that storyline, but deal with it. You're in it for the long haul, and that means never cheating or breaking up with someone so you can date someone famous or in the game. It's tough, but it provides you with some wiggle room so you can create this whole plot with the significant other and not have to worry about someone flaking out on you for a storyline. Just...yeah. If you plan on doing that, plan on writing someone else (like Beth).
Now, before you go jumping in, I will say this: I've obviously been roleplaying for a while. I know how it is with writing a celebrity and how frustrating it is to write something awesome in Los Angeles to only find out that they're in fucking St. Tropez or something. Therefore, I am going to offer a code phrase to anyone that willingly emails me to say they're writing me... take note: the code word is banana hammock. If I get that key phrase in an email, twitter message, etc? I will hook you up with secret pictures, my itinerary for the next 30 days (to my knowledge), and anything else to make your job a whole lot easier. I'll tell you if I'm pregnant, getting married, etc. Don't abuse this power and go to the papers with it because I swear to God, if one person abuses it, it's going away for good. Don't ruin it for everyone else. Also, because I've given fair warning to a few people I know, fully expect the good usernames to be taken long before you even know who I am because I will send out the red alert.
Above all, don't take me seriously at all. I know I don't. I'm the most ridiculous person ever. I netspeak, so feel free to do so when necessary (my most used: LMAO, O RLY, and :3). Update with proper punctuation, grammar, capitalization, and spelling; comment and instant message with lowercase. When talking with Beth or any other close friends that are willing to participate, SPEAK IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THAT'S HOW WE TALK. CONSTANTLY. It's not yelling, it's Voice Immodulation, thank you. Have a sense of humor, please. This is very important to your success as my writer.
Finally, good luck. I know it's hard writing someone, but it's harder writing someone who's written someone (as I can only imagine). It's even entirely possible that, if I have free time, I might even be writing someone in another game. Either way it goes, I'll be spying on your success. You'll always feel like somebody's watching you. And that, my friends, will be me. So good luck, have fun, and don't forget your banana hammock.
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