McKay (scribbulus_ink) wrote in time_of_storms, @ 2006-10-31 08:10:00 |
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Original poster: werwolfoflondon
Music: King of Bohemia, by Richard Thompson
Severus stared at the communication parchment, scowling in displeasure. His quill was poised just above it, and he had an urgent message to convey, and yet he hesitated, and that hesitation annoyed him greatly. War was ugly, and Severus had been in the thick of the roiling nastiness more than once. Yet he had always felt that he was doing what was right, what would serve the greatest good, despite his personal feelings about anyone involved.
Of course, those personal feelings usually been of the negative variety, and therefore, they were familiar to him. Anger, hate, vengeance - they were all old friends to him. He knew how to feel them and yet keep his perspective, feel them and still keep his own personal code of honor. He was not a good man, but in his own way, Severus felt that he was an honorable one, one who kept to his promises and paid his debts, both the good ones and the bad. He'd kept promises to Albus and to Remus, and he had even kept that damned life debt he owed Potter. Even if he'd lied and spied and killed, there was a purpose to it, and he'd never taken vengeance for his own sake when the greater cause might suffer for his actions. After all, he'd not killed Sirius-damned-Black, had he? Even if he'd taken satisfaction in the mutt's death, he hadn't caused it. Severus knew better than almost anyone else in the war that there were causes greater than himself, and that sacrifices of one's own desires often had to be made for a higher purpose.
Yet here he was, on the verge of speaking to Lupin - to Remus - and omitting a crucial detail about the upcoming events, one that might have consequences which would affect the larger picture. And he was doing it for reasons which even he, with his ability to double-speak around everything, couldn't convince himself were totally selfless. Not that he wished Andromeda Tonks or her husband ill, and he might even be able to overlook his animosity toward their daughter on the subject of her affections for a certain werewolf. But it was the fact that Remus' life might be endangered if Severus were to tell him that really concerned him.
"Bloody fucking hell," he muttered, clenching the quill so hard it almost snapped between his fingers. This being in love business added layers of complication to things, and while he wouldn't trade a moment of the time he and Lupin spent together for all the peace of mind in the world, that didn't mean his own uncharacteristic hesitation didn't make him want to hurl objects against the wall.
Unfortunately, most of the objects in his hideout were charmed not to break, and so Severus grumbled under his breath, and he finally began to write.
Lupin,
Must talk to you. Come as soon as possible.
SS
Remus was enjoying a rare moment of peace, curling up on his sleeping furs with a book. Most of the pack were out hunting, and while he could hold his own if need be, there were others who were better and faster, thus he hadn't felt guilty about refusing to go this time. Instead, he had spent some time helping prepare vegetables for the evening meal before retreating to his own little quarters to read for a while. Engrossed in the world of the book, he jumped when he felt the parchment in his pocket vibrate, and he chuckled at his own foolishness as he put aside his book and fished out the parchment to read Severus' message.
A concerned frown puckered his brow as he read the terse note. Usually when Severus said he needed to talk, that was a prelude to news Remus didn't want to hear, and he sighed as he tucked the parchment away again and stood, heading out of the cave. Voldemort was probably planning something, which meant Remus would need to report to the Order once his meeting with Severus was finished. It never ended, he thought with another silent sigh, ready for this war and his part in it to be over at last.
When he arrived at Severus' hideout, however, he couldn't remain glum, not when this meeting also afforded him the opportunity to see Severus, and he moved swiftly to greet Severus, enfolding him in a warm embrace and kissing him affectionately. "You needed to see me?" he asked, tilting his head quizzically. "I take it the reason isn't that you simply couldn't bear going another minute without me," he added playfully.
As always when he saw Lupin, Severus was struck by how intensely this man could make him feel. Annoyance, certainly, and desire. Frustration and need. Protectiveness, and... well, the more sensitive emotion that Severus had never felt for anyone else. These were motions he had always feared might weaken him, and at times, they certainly did. But the price was worth it, for Lupin gave Severus something he thought he would never have again - a reason to live, to survive beyond the end of the war and not fear what might be awaiting him when it was all over.
"You are annoyingly cheeky," he grumbled, but his acidity was belied by the way he returned Remus' kiss with a passion that could still surprise him no matter how many times they were together. Of course, the number of times they had been were all too few, and Severus gave in to a moment of weakness, allowing himself the luxury of caressing his hands over Remus, exploring his lover's body even through the layers of clothing that separated them. He had memorized every inch of Remus' flesh long ago, and he could visualize now that which he couldn't see, feeling his desire rising. "And also too thin." He paused, glaring at Remus sternly, even if a suspicious heat still lingered in his dark eyes. "Damn you, Lupin, I have to make certain to summon you at least once every few days assure that you don't waste away to the point that I must rescue your miserable carcass from those mangy packmates of yours!"
Humming with pleasure at the feel of Severus' elegant hands caressing him, Remus slid his arms around Severus' neck and shifted closer, unfazed by Severus' grumbling. He could read between the lines and knew Severus was worried about him, just as he worried about Severus when they weren't together.
"I'm sure it's all about fattening me up and has absolutely nothing to do with you wanting to sate a different kind of hunger," Remus replied, combing his fingers through Severus' hair. Smiling, he craned up to kiss Severus again, lingering this time. "I suppose, however, I shouldn't dare to hope you summoned me just to feed me."
Severus indulged shamelessly in the kiss, feeling the temptation to haul Remus over to the bed and forget about the war for a time. Surely they had earned a respite, if only for a little while! Yet Remus' words reminded him of his responsibilities, along with his own inner turmoil, and he sighed, frowning in annoyance.
"Unfortunately, no." Severus loosened his hold on Remus, but he didn't step back. "There is an attack coming. A serious one, but the situation is complicated. It's one in which informing the Order might put both of us in grave danger."
"Oh?" Remus pulled back enough that he could look up and watch Severus' face, filled with growing concern. While he wanted to help the Order as much as he possibly could, he didn't like the thought of Severus facing more peril than usual in the process. "What exactly is the situation?"
"The Dark Lord wishes to send a message," Severus replied slowly. Remus was studying him, but Severus could see worry in his eyes, too. "There is to be an attack on the Weasleys on Halloween. There is much planning going into it, and he is counting on killing a few of them. We managed to foil one attack on the Burrow. Unfortunately, Bellatrix is raising suspicion against me at every opportunity. I am quite certain that another fortuitous victory on the part of the Order will give her ammunition, enough perhaps to turn the Dark Lord against me and raise suspicions about to whom I might be relaying information on the other side."
An icy hand clenched in Remus' gut as Severus spoke. He couldn't bear to think of anything happening to the Weasleys, not any of them. They had been kind to him, and he couldn't just let Voldemort attack without warning them. They didn't deserve that! He chewed on his bottom lip, frantically wracking his brain for an answer - any option that would allow everyone to remain safe, including Severus. But none was forthcoming, and his shoulders sagged with defeat.
"You're right," he said softly. "I think two thwarted attacks on the same place would look suspicious, and I don't want you endangered. We need you." He looked up, meeting Severus' eyes. "I need you. Perhaps it's selfish, but it isn't only the greater good I'm thinking of."
He felt the weight of guilt on his shoulders; for all that he knew the Order needed all the resources it could get and Severus was irreplaceable, he had personal reasons for wanting to keep Severus safe, and he felt like a selfish monster for sacrificing the Weasleys.
"There's nothing we can do?" he asked, a faint note of hope in his voice. Severus was clever and far better at plotting than Remus was. Surely he had an answer.
Conscience was a damnable thing, and looking into Remus' eyes and seeing the hope in them - the faith in Severus himself - was an agony for Severus. Yet he stomped on his remorse ruthlessly. Even if he told Remus about the attack on the Tonks', there was no guarantee it would change anything, and it would still put Remus in jeopardy. Just as Remus could say that he needed Severus, Severus could admit that he needed Remus, too.
Somehow hearing Remus allow himself his own bit of selfishness made it all a little easier to bear, and Severus drew in a breath. "Nothing that I have been able to discover," he said, frowning. "Unfortunately, there is a price in war, and it seems this is one that must be paid." He tightened his hand on Remus' shoulders for a moment, looking at him intently. "We can't always be the ones to pay, Remus. We have both paid, in pain and in blood. We may yet pay with our lives. It doesn't necessarily make it any easier, but damn it all, we aren't invincible, and we can't save them all. No matter how much we might want to do so."
"I know." Remus sighed and rested his forehead on Severus' shoulder, breathing in Severus' warm scent and letting it offer a small measure of comfort. "But they're my friends. We went to school with Arthur, Molly, and Bill, and we taught the younger ones. I have a difficult time thinking of any of them as simply a price that must be paid." He lifted his head, his expression bleak. "It rankles that there's nothing to be done that won't put you at far greater risk than you already are - which is considerable enough as it is."
"The Weasleys knew the risks when they joined the Order. Just as you did, and I did." Severus strove for a neutral tone of voice, to treat this logically, but Remus' reminder of the Weasleys as people made it difficult. True, Severus had no real liking for any of them, and he was certain that if any of them met him again, they would happily end his life. Yet that didn't mean it was easy, especially when Remus was so obviously distressed.
Wrapping his arms around Remus once more, Severus smoothed his hands along Remus' back, offering what comfort he could. "Unfortunately, as well as keeping our lives, we also have to keep our sanity," he murmured. "If I could, I would save them - if not for their own sakes, then for yours." He slid one hand under Remus' chin then, lifting Remus' face so that their gazes met, his dark eyes intense. "But know this: I would kill any of the Weasleys, or anyone in the Order, even Potter himself, to save you. If you felt selfish for wanting to protect me, believe me, I feel the same way for you. I don't regret it, though. I won't. This is an ugly business, but we didn't choose it. They might even manage to save themselves, if they are smart enough, or fight hard enough. They have the exact same chance that you and I do each and every day during this war. I might have even avoided telling you at all to spare you this foreknowledge, but... there is a situation. The Dark Lord is going to order your pack to participate in the attack."
"What?" Remus stared at him, aghast. "No! I won't. I can't attack the Burrow." He pressed one hand to his forehead, his mind racing as he tried to find a way out. Perhaps he could feign illness; it would be worth being seen as weak by the pack if it meant being left behind. He couldn't possibly participate without trying to help and likely exposing himself as a spy in the process if the wrong person saw what he was up to. "God, what a mess. Perhaps I can talk my way out of it or just be gone. I'd rather have to make excuses than participate in that evil."
"Come here," Severus said, his voice beguiling. "You'll be safe, no one will be able to find you. If you must, you could even pretend to go, and then Apparate away before the fighting starts. No one would have to know."
A sudden, horrifying thought occurred to Remus, and he looked up at Severus, wide-eyed, and clutched Severus' shoulders. "Do you have to go? Are you participating in the attack?"
"I must," Severus replied, finally dropping his gaze from Remus'. At the moment, he wasn't certain if he would be assigned to the attack of the Burrow or the one on the Tonks' residence. Either way, he wasn't going to be able to do much to help, and if necessary, he might have to kill. He shrugged, forcing himself to look up once more. "I had to use an Unforgiveable on you; I can no more avoid this than I could avoid that."
Severus' lips twisted into something that bore no resemblance to a smile. "We all pay prices, Lupin. Some of them just aren't paid in the usual coinage."
"I know, love." Remus framed Severus' face between his hands and drew him down for a light, tender kiss. He didn't ask how Severus felt about it or how he would manage; he knew Severus was strong enough to do what he had to do without flinching. That had been proved more than once over the past few months. Remus only hoped that the cumulative weight of those deeds hadn't chipped away too much of Severus' soul; he wanted Severus to be well and whole and find peace at the end of all this. "I know. We'll manage. We always do. It will be another regret I must live with, one more in a line of many."
He slid his arms around Severus' neck again and nestled close, leaning his head on Severus' shoulder. Breathing out a silent sigh, he relaxed in Severus' arms, wanting to enjoy this momentary respite while it lasted.
"Regrets are foolish," Severus said, although there was a trace of something that might have been sorrow under the bitterness of his tone, and his arms were firmly wrapped around Remus. "We made our choices, and everyone else was free to make theirs. No one forced the Weasleys to remain in England, to become involved in this war, or to fight against the Dark Lord. It was their decision, and they knew the risks. We all knew the risks." His lips twisted. "You'd hear none of them expressing any regrets for my death, now would you? Only you would care if anything happened to me."
A shudder wracked Severus' frame, and he decided there had been enough talk of the horror of their positions. He meant to keep Remus safe, no matter what the cost to himself or even to his soul. He had enough spots on that particular bit of himself that he cherished no hope of salvation; if he were to be damned, then at least he would be damned for something that bloody well mattered to him.
Remus mattered. Too much, perhaps, but it was far too late to change that now.
Sliding a hand under Remus' chin once more, he urged Remus' face up and kissed him. It was a hungry kiss, a kiss of desperation, as though he were seeking to blot out their combined doubts and fears with the pressure of lips and the seeking slide of tongues. He moaned into Remus' mouth, wanting more, so much more. Only Remus could make him feel alive, only Remus could make him remember why he was fighting this war. They had both paid a price, and doubtless there would be more reckonings to come. But now, for this moment, they were here and together, and Severus would do anything he must in order to guarantee more times like this one, more times when he could savor the feeling of Remus' body in his arms.
Sliding his hands up to tangle his fingers in Severus' hair, Remus responded to the kiss eagerly, as desperate as Severus was to forget the rest of the world for a while and all the doubts and regrets accompanying it. Their lives were about to become far more difficult as a result of this decision, but at least they had this moment and each other to offer a temporary respite.
Soon, kisses weren't enough, and Remus began herding Severus toward the bed, continuing to devour Severus' mouth with mounting hunger even as he reached for the fastenings of Severus' clothes, wanting to touch and taste bare skin. His movements were quick and impatient, spurred not only by desire but by desperation; he wanted to drown his senses in his mate and let the wolf take over so he could stop thinking for a little while.
"I want you," he growled huskily against Severus' mouth, and then he trailed his lips down to Severus' throat, nuzzling his pulse point. "Want you so much."
"Then you shall have me," Severus replied, his voice low and smooth as velvet, if somewhat breathless as Remus' lips found that place on his neck. He tilted his head back to bare his throat, his hands moving to strip Remus' clothing as well. He could hear the wolf in Remus' voice, could see the feral glint rising in Remus' eyes, and it heightened his own desire almost unbearably.
Severus stepped out of his shoes, and then he helped to strip off the rest of his clothing before falling backward on the bed and holding his arms out, open and welcoming. His dark eyes glittered, and his pale skin was flushed with arousal and need. Only Remus could inflame him so, and only Remus could quench the fire. He wanted and ached, and he would not be denied. "Take me, Remus. Take me and let us both forget that there is anything outside this room, anyone besides ourselves in the world."
Pausing just long enough to retrieve his wand, Remus shed the rest of his clothes swiftly and joined Severus in bed, letting go and letting the wolf take over as he stretched out atop Severus. The silken slide of bare skin against bare skin brought the wolf surging to the forefront, eager to claim its mate, and Remus breathed deeply of the musk of arousal rising from Severus' skin, letting it fill his senses. Curling his fingers around his wand, he tapped Severus' hip, preparing him even though he wasn't going to claim Severus. Not yet. Severus wanted to forget the rest of the world, and Remus intended to accomplish that by driving him out of his mind with pleasure.
He made his way down Severus' body, stroking Severus' arms and chest before replacing his hands with his lips and covering Severus' flushed skin with licks and kisses. He teased Severus' nipples into hardened nubs with his tongue, the wolf growling its approval at the taste of its mate's flesh, and Remus let that growl rumble in his chest, the vibrations passing from him to Severus as he worshiped Severus' body.
"Yes..." Severus' normally silken tone became ragged as his need rose, and he buried his hands in Remus' hair, feeling the soft tendrils curl around his fingers and relishing the sensation. Remus' mouth tormented every inch of his chest, making his skin tingle with pleasure yet ache for even more. Then Remus' lips were teasing his nipples, and Severus gave an inarticulate groan, arching up against Remus' mouth, trying to press even closer, driven wild by the reverberations of Remus' growl and the evidence of Remus' desire for him.
"More!" he demanded, eyes smoldering as he stared down at Remus. "I want all of you, every bit. You're mine. My wolf."
Remus surrendered to the wolf and to Severus' urging, and the kisses turned to bites as he continued his exploration, this time leaving mottled marks in his wake as the wolf staked its claim. The growl reverberating in his chest grew louder as the wolf claimed ascendancy; it wanted its mate, and Remus obliged, crawling back up Severus' body and settling between his legs. Remus' eyes glowed, turning an inhuman shade of blue as he braced himself above Severus and bared his teeth. He didn't say "mine", but he didn't have to, not when he had taken such a predatory stance, making his intentions to take and claim clear.
The sight of the wolf in Remus' eyes set off a small explosion in Severus' stomach, and heat seemed to flow over his skin in a wave. It never failed to arouse him, to please him, knowing that the wolf wanted him, that he belonged to Remus and to his darkness in a way he never could have to anyone else. It was also smugly satisfying to know that this part of Remus belonged to him alone, that no one else would ever get to see the glow in Remus' eyes, or feel the desire of the wolf pulling them toward ecstasy.
"That's it... my wolf, my garou. My Remus," he chanted, arching his body again, tilting his head back and offering his surrender to the domination of the wolf. He locked his legs around Remus' hips, submitting completely, knowing that he was safe in Remus' arms, that the desires of the wolf would free him from the need to be in control, allowing him to lose himself completely in the act of being claimed... of being loved.
With a fierce snarl, Remus positioned himself and thrust, a swift, hard flex of his hips that joined them completely; his skin grew slick with sweat and flushed with heat and arousal as he began to move, claiming Severus with rough, demanding thrusts that illustrated the certainty the wolf felt in its possession and its single-minded devotion to its chosen mate. Bending his head, Remus nuzzled Severus' cheeks and throat in a gesture of animalistic affection, soft, inhuman croons rising from his throat - and then he bit down, sucking and biting, leaving a mark to show that Severus was his and his alone.
Severus moaned as Remus took him, wrapping his arms around Remus' shoulders and moving with him, their bodies in perfect accord. The sounds Remus was making drove Severus wild, and he answered them by chanting Remus' name like a litany, before breaking off in a fierce cry of triumph as Remus' teeth sank into his throat, the sensation a pleasurable pain that was unique, exquisite, and his alone to experience.
His hands raked down Remus' back, fingers curved into claws as his nails scored Remus' skin, seeking to make his own mark on Remus' body, a reminder of this claiming. "Remus, Remus, God..." he groaned, continuing to move, their bodies locked together, moving, thrusting, sweat-slick and burning, and Severus felt himself spiraling higher and higher, seeking the elusive, shining edge of release.
Insinuating his hand between their bodies, Remus snarled as he curled his fingers around Severus and began stroking him, pushing him toward that end, wanting to see him fall. He was so close himself, the rhythm of his body matching the rhythm of his hand, and he couldn't hold back, not when Severus' body was so welcoming, urging him on. Throwing his head back, he howled his pleasure to the stone walls as he shattered, finding perfection in his mate's arms.
The sensation of Remus' hand made Severus groan again, and he opened his eyes, looking up at Remus with eyes that burned. He drank in the sight of Remus' face suffused with pleasure, but it was the sound of the wolf's howl that finally drove Severus over the edge, sending him plunging off the precipice as he surrendered to the irresistible summons of ecstasy.
He clung to Remus, pulling him close, feeling the sweat-slick slide of skin and the harsh rasp of their breaths mingled as he claimed Remus' lips. He could hear the mingled thunder of their heart beats, and it was the sound of utter perfection, this moment an experience he could find only in Remus' arms.
Sighing, he melted backward into the mattress, every muscle in his body suddenly going limp with satiation. He stroked his hands over Remus' back soothingly, possessively, as he nuzzled against Remus' temple. "Perfect," he murmured, meaning Remus, this moment, and everything between them.
"Mmm..." Remus sighed drowsily as he slumped atop Severus, in no hurry to move. Sated, the wolf receded, feeling as smug and satisfied as Remus did himself. "Perfect indeed." He smiled, a lazy, affectionate smile, and he lifted himself up just enough that he could press his lips to Severus' gently. "Thank you."
He wasn't eager to leave, and rebellion stirred within him at the thought. Unless Voldemort intended to attack in the next five minutes, then Remus wasn't about to rush off. Summoning his wand, he murmured a charm to clean them both up, and then he rolled off Severus and snuggled up against Severus' side, silently announcing his intention to stay.
"You're welcome," Severus replied, his own voice low and husky, and he gave a murmur of pleasure at the soft press of Remus' lips. Wrapping his arms around Remus, he held his lover close, glad that Remus was content to stay without Severus even having to ask. Outside of this place the war went on, and they would be summoned back to it all too soon, required to make yet more sacrifices to secure Voldemort's defeat. But moments like this, precious and few as they were, allowed Severus to continue to fight. They gave him hope that one day, perhaps, if they were very lucky, what was now rare and fleeting might become a gift they could experience each and every day.