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Tweak says, "It's All About Teh Love."

Godric Witt (shy_vamp) wrote in tiberiusswann,
@ 2012-05-10 14:59:00

Entry tags:

blake, godric, ric

Saturday May 16th 2009
Who: Godric and Blake
What: Angry violent withdrawal
Where: The BGH
When: Saturday night
Rating: R for violence and language
Warning: Verbal and physical abuse

It had been almost 24 hours since Godric had been out of this room, and over a day and a half since he'd last drank any of his potion. At first he had been mad that Blake had tricked him, and had locked him in here like a prisoner. After more time passed, he'd become furious. There were a few times when he had been very close to punching Blake right in the face, but he'd maintained only by destroying other things in the room. Now, though... now he was getting desperate. Everything that went away when he was drinking the potion was coming back to him, guilt and thoughts and worries and because it was sweeping in like a grand tidal wave, it was too much to handle. His hands were shaking, his heart hammering hard in his chest, his breath uneven and quick. He couldn't even look at Blake anymore when he came into the room, but instead Godric sat in the corner furthest from the door, knees drawn up and eyes downcast. He didn't speak anymore, didn't respond when spoken to. He just had to wait this out, until Blake was convinced he was fine, until he could get out of here. If he survived that long.

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shy_vamp
2012-05-10 09:25 pm UTC (link)

Having expected more argument than that, Godric remained quiet, brooding in his corner and glaring daggers around the room. Blake wanted the man he had before back. Truth be told, Godric wanted to feel like he had before. He wanted to feel in control of himself, and the potion took that away. But the benefits were so much greater, he'd sacrificed it.

"I'm not hungry," he said scornfully. He couldn't think about eating right now. He felt sick, and angry, asd, scared. He felt everything, because now he cared enough to feel it, and it was too much to take. Holding out his hand, he watched it a moment, watched it shake and twitch of its own volition. He couldn't steady it. Try as he might, he couldn't make it still. He couldn't stop his hand from shaking any more than he could stop his chest from hurting when he thought about Peyton, and Reese, about Hope and Wesley, about the handful of people who wrecked themselves time and time again and he was powerless to stop them. He couldn't stop his hand shaking any more than he could stop his brain from whirring with thought, keeping him awake for years at a time, a constant ticker tape of guilt and sadness and overcomplication.

"I can't do this," he whispered, mostly to himself. "I can't handle this anymore. I miss the quiet, the peace the... simplicity of it. I can't... I can't stop it." His voice shook slightly as emotion crept up, as sadness and tears forced their way to the surface. His hand refused to stop and he couldn't make himself stay contained. "It was easier," he said, swallowing, "it was simpler and softer and I got to sleep, and I didn't c-care what anyone thought when I kissed you in front of them, and you were so happy, and I thought... this was better. I could finally make my brain stop, but I can't do that by myself, I can't, it won't... it never stops. And I want it to stop, Blake, don't you get that? Can't you see that I need this?" He was desperate now, ready to beg for it, to get on his hands and knees and plead and cry and do anything he could, anything Blake wanted, just to make it all stop.

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blake_elliot
2012-05-10 09:35 pm UTC (link)

Blake saw the desperation in Godric's eye, felt a pang of guilt and sadness for him, which those brown eyes displayed. He was so sympathetic, he wanted Godric to be happy again but he was not about to give in. Reaching out he took hold of Godric's shaking hand, squeezing it softly but no less firmly.

"You're right, I was happy, but it didn't stop something from not feeling right," he explained. "I realised that a kiss in the hallway is nothing compared to the way you kiss me in private, but even that was... different. I know that you feel you need it, that it could be so much easier if you just stopped caring but that's not a life, Godric." He brushed a hand through the vampire's hair then settled back. All he wanted to do really was cradle him in his arms, hold him and tell him everything would be okay but he couldn't, and if he did that nothing would be okay again. "When this is done we'll get away. We'll go anywhere you like, escape caring for a while. I've always said you need to stop trying to be Superman.... maybe you need to learn to stop being Superman."

Blake offered him a soft smile, hoping to reassure him but he knew it wouldn't do much.

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shy_vamp
2012-05-10 09:51 pm UTC (link)

Drawing his hand away, looking injured, Godric curled up into himself, scowling. "Why don't you just stop loving me?" he challenged. "Why don't you just stop, if it's so easy? Loving me has hurt you, it causes you unspeakable misery, you've been through more than you've ever deserved just because you've been with me, so why don't you just stop it? Hm?" Eyes narrowed, Godric stared Blake down angrily. "Because you can't. Because it is ingrained into you, it's a part of your heart, your mind. I can't just stop, don't you understand that? I can't just let people go, I can't just... I can't just let people fall if I know I can catch them. I can't. Time isn't going to stop that, distance isn't going to stop it. That's who I am. And if you just want me to suffer it, then you're horrible. Then you can't really love me because why would you do that to me? How could you do it? The only reason would be because... because your happiness is more important than mine. And if that's true, then you're just like all the others. You're worse, maybe."

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blake_elliot
2012-05-10 10:05 pm UTC (link)

"Who you are," began Blake softly, "is a beautiful man inside and out. That you can't let people fall without a safety net is testament to that. Why do you think I'm here, to harm you? I'm doing exactly what you do, I'm catching you as you fall, Godric. Just like you did for me, and Hope, and Wesley... you remember Wesley, when he holed himself up for days on end in that stinking room? You dragged him to the shower and told him off. You told Will off. Some of them are as stubborn as you are. but they are better for knowing you even if they don't always do what you know is best. That you can't see that is... sad, really. Maybe you're not shown that you're appreciated enough."

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shy_vamp
2012-05-10 10:16 pm UTC (link)

"I don't WANT to be appreciated!!" Stepping away from the wall, Godric shoved Blake back, and shoved him hard. "I don't want people to realize that I try so hard for them, I don't want recognition! I want it to STOP! I want my head back again! I want to be able to lay down, and not think, and not relive every mistake I've made, the people I've hurt, that I've left behind, I want to just... I want it to be simple. I want to know what will make you happy and actually be able to do it, and not worry about what everyone is thinking, or not thinking, or how they see me or if they say one thing and think another and I don't even know how anybody really feels about me. I just, I just want peave. Peace in my own head. Don't you get it yet? This isn't about me and you, me and them, it's... it's about me and my own head. It's about making it just stop." It had to stop. The one thing Godric couldn't control, had never been able to, was his own mind. He couldn't stop thinking, worrying, analyzing everything, and he had always joked to himself that one day it would drive him crazy. But now that he knew there was an alternative, that there was a way to live without constantly thinking, he was starting to think that maybe he was already going mad.

"I don't want to be saved," he said, throat tight and tears spilling onto his cheeks. "I want it to stop. Please don't do this, don't make me go through this, don't... don't do this to me, please Blake... please don't make me do this anymore..."

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