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Godric Witt (shy_vamp) wrote in tiberiusswann,
@ 2012-05-10 14:59:00

Entry tags:

blake, godric, ric

Saturday May 16th 2009
Who: Godric and Blake
What: Angry violent withdrawal
Where: The BGH
When: Saturday night
Rating: R for violence and language
Warning: Verbal and physical abuse

It had been almost 24 hours since Godric had been out of this room, and over a day and a half since he'd last drank any of his potion. At first he had been mad that Blake had tricked him, and had locked him in here like a prisoner. After more time passed, he'd become furious. There were a few times when he had been very close to punching Blake right in the face, but he'd maintained only by destroying other things in the room. Now, though... now he was getting desperate. Everything that went away when he was drinking the potion was coming back to him, guilt and thoughts and worries and because it was sweeping in like a grand tidal wave, it was too much to handle. His hands were shaking, his heart hammering hard in his chest, his breath uneven and quick. He couldn't even look at Blake anymore when he came into the room, but instead Godric sat in the corner furthest from the door, knees drawn up and eyes downcast. He didn't speak anymore, didn't respond when spoken to. He just had to wait this out, until Blake was convinced he was fine, until he could get out of here. If he survived that long.

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blake_elliot
2012-05-10 07:53 pm UTC (link)

Blake knew he won't and that was precisely why he was sitting down on the bed, putting the tray in the middle of it, and getting out his book. He wasn't going to leave and Godric knew that. Instead he settled down, silently, crossing his ankles and acting as if all this was normal. It wasn't. It was excrutiating. But still, things had to be done. It was necessary, Blake, he had to tell himself. All in the day's work.

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shy_vamp
2012-05-10 08:00 pm UTC (link)

When Blake didn't leave, Godric growled softly to himself. Of course Blake was going to stay. He hadn't done anything else Godric had ever wanted him to do, why start now.

"How long are you going to keep at this?" he asked after a moment of quiet between them. "How long are you going to sit in here and keep me trapped in my own house? What do you think you're accomplishing? Because I can save you time and tell you that it's nothing. You're not doing anything with this but proving that you're a selfish prick and you don't know anything." Because if Blake knew, if he had any idea what he was doing to Godric, he'd stop. He'd have to stop. He wouldn't be able to stand knowing what he was putting his lover through right now. Godric was certain of it.

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blake_elliot
2012-05-10 08:13 pm UTC (link)

Blake inhaled through his nose and then exhaled through his mouth, glancing at Godric before looking at his book.

"I am going to 'keep at this' for as long as it takes." He flipped over a page, casual. "What you are going through is withdrawal. You will feel like you hate me, and you probably do, but this is not just the action of one man it's all of us. Nobody knows you any more, you're destroying yourself, and if you continued to use whatever was in that bottle you'd have lost us all. I don't give a shit what you said before, we all love you and want you to get better."

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shy_vamp
2012-05-10 08:23 pm UTC (link)

Scoffing, Godric rolled his eyes. This was so stupid. He wasn't going through withdrawal, he wasn't addicted to the stuff. He just wanted it. It made everything easier.

Opening his mouth to speak, to protest, some of Blake's words finally hit him, and it made his heart freeze. That bottle. Blake had found the bottle. Which meant Blake had gone through his things. Getting to his feet, Godric ripped the book from Blake's hands, throwing it against the wall. "You went through my things??" he demanded, dark eyes burning. "What the hell gives you any right to go into MY space, look at MY things like I'm some child?!"

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blake_elliot
2012-05-10 08:26 pm UTC (link)

Blake took the swipe of the book in his stride, looking up at Godric with a blank expression. He'd managed to perfect it just in time, get the soldier back into action before he entered this battle ring. Sighing he stood. "I didn't go through anything, Wesley did. It's clearly magical, and he knew that it was your fix. I did not go through your stuff. But even if he DID find it what difference does it make? You lied to me, lied to all of us, and look at what you did to yourself! This isn't a man, this is a wreck!"

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shy_vamp
2012-05-10 08:39 pm UTC (link)

He wanted to hit Blake so badly, it was obvious on Godric's face, in his eyes. It took all his willpower not to lay him out right there. What difference did it make who had done it? The point was that they had gone through his things, invaded his privacy, taken away the one security Godric ever felt. His personal space was sacred to him, and Blake and Wesley had shit all over it, and then had the audacity to tell him that he had done it to himself.

"I never lied to you!" he snapped, taking a step back because if he stayed too close to Blake, he was going to start swinging. "You accused me of being on drugs, of being an addict, and I'm not. I'm not on drugs and I'm not addicted to it, it's-" Seething, so far into anger now that this was starting to be amusing, Godric barked a short, sharp laugh. "You wanna know what it is? It's a potion. It's a potion that I asked for, that I wanted. And you know what it does? Hm? It makes things easier. It makes me care less about everything, about everyone. It makes life liveable. It makes me stop thinking all the goddanm time, it makes me not hold everything so close and let it hurt me as much as it does. Everyone, I mean all of you, you just... you run off and you live your lives and you act like fucking idiots and you expect me to hold the tether, to keep you from falling over the edge, you expect me to be your rock and I can't fucking do it! I can't! I'm sick of it and I hate it and I'm tired of caring so much about so many people who are just selfish, useless morons!" The line between what was truth, and what he was saying to be hurtful, was starting to blur even in his own head. It was scaring Godric a little to think that, deep down, this was what he really thought of the people around him. It couldn't be true. But he wasn't under the effects of the potion now, and out it was coming, and he couldn't stop his mouth.

"You don't notice, or care, that anything is wrong until I'm not the same doormat for you anymore. And then, well, all it is is 'Let's get him back to normal because we don't like this version of him'. And not one of you thinks that maybe I'm happier. Maybe for once, you people could step back and keep your mouths shut and let me be selfish and stupid for a change!"

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blake_elliot
2012-05-10 08:49 pm UTC (link)

Blake listened to his out burst, sighing. He knew of course that Godric had felt exaspterated when people had threw away his advice only to return to his side for aid and comfort. It was no wonder he grew sick and tired of his wisdom being rebuffed. He was glad that Godric had finally admitted what it was and why he'd chosen to do it but the demon tried to stop anything from hurting his feelings personally by going to his happy place like the shaman taught him.

"Okay. Say you're right. Let's say that all we do is mess up our lives and exasperate you in the process, but that just means you care. When you take the potion you don't care. The difference is, Godric, that you are an amazing man and one of the best people on this Earth to invest in people the way you do and that they don't appreciate you is not your fault but theirs. All you needed to do was learn not to take it to heart or dwell on it so often, but no... you turned to drugs."

He sighed, rubbing at his forehead. "We can allow you to be stupid all you like, and we have for a while, but there comes a time when even you tell a person when the shit has gone on long enough. Well, Ric - the shit has gone on long enough. Your temporary fix is becoming permanent and it's not something any of us want to see, because frankly you're an unfeeling arsehole and lose everything that makes you wonderful on that stuff. Oh yes you're freer with expression and you're full of the joys of spring, so I DID realise when you changed, but I thought maybe you were just happy to have Hope back or... something! If you want me to step back and let you to be foolish, then I'm sorry but I can't. I'm not like you, I can't watch you do this to yourself and then try and pick up the pieces after."

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shy_vamp
2012-05-10 08:58 pm UTC (link)

He didn't understand. How could he? Blake couldn't understand because Blake didn't know, because it was different for him. "That's so nice of you to decide what I'm going to do," Godric said icily, retreating to his corner and leaning against the wall. "So considerate to be telling me what's going to happen. You can't "let" me do this to myself, well aren't you a saint? Like I don't know what I've done, if I could only realize what it is I'm doing to myself, to all of you, surely I'd have to want to stop, right?" Scoffing, he crossed his arms over his chest. "You're a fucking idiot. I'm very well aware of what I'm doing to myself. I am very aware of the consequences I'm dealing with. I'm not too far gone down the road, and I'm not blind to the world around me. I realize it, and I've chosen this. I could have stopped any time before now, when you and Wesley and Nox and everyone told me that I had changed, I could have ended it and I didn't. Because I don't want to. You don't understand it, Blake, and you're never going to. But you're determined to see this through, to force me into what you think is best, then fine. Force away. You won't like what you find at the end of the road, though. I can promise you that."

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blake_elliot
2012-05-10 09:07 pm UTC (link)

Blake stared at him for several long moments. Maybe Godric was right. But he sighed then and shook his head. "It's selfish of me. I know. I could have let you continue to take the potion and .... go down another road. But I didn't give up the one woman I wanted to marry and have a family with to be with the man you were on that potion. I didn't fall in love with the man who didn't want to care about anyone so he could feel better. I didn't travel the whole of South America to try and get over a man who wouldn't notice if I stayed gone, I didn't learn how to control my ability to let you go and I did not force myself to remember everything after weeks of blissful ignorance just to face a future with a shell of the love of my life. So if we get to the end of this, and I don't like it, then I guess I've failed but at least I have fucking tried. I've not 'made do' I've not given up, or resigned myself to a life with someone I can't recognise but can tolerate, I'm not backing down from fighting from what I believe in, I'm trying. If whatever I have left at the end of this in nothing then so be it but I am completely in love with you Godric and that is not a weakness."

After a moment Blake merely sat back on the bed, resting against the wall. He flipped open his book. "Eat something. You'll starve."

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shy_vamp
2012-05-10 09:25 pm UTC (link)

Having expected more argument than that, Godric remained quiet, brooding in his corner and glaring daggers around the room. Blake wanted the man he had before back. Truth be told, Godric wanted to feel like he had before. He wanted to feel in control of himself, and the potion took that away. But the benefits were so much greater, he'd sacrificed it.

"I'm not hungry," he said scornfully. He couldn't think about eating right now. He felt sick, and angry, asd, scared. He felt everything, because now he cared enough to feel it, and it was too much to take. Holding out his hand, he watched it a moment, watched it shake and twitch of its own volition. He couldn't steady it. Try as he might, he couldn't make it still. He couldn't stop his hand from shaking any more than he could stop his chest from hurting when he thought about Peyton, and Reese, about Hope and Wesley, about the handful of people who wrecked themselves time and time again and he was powerless to stop them. He couldn't stop his hand shaking any more than he could stop his brain from whirring with thought, keeping him awake for years at a time, a constant ticker tape of guilt and sadness and overcomplication.

"I can't do this," he whispered, mostly to himself. "I can't handle this anymore. I miss the quiet, the peace the... simplicity of it. I can't... I can't stop it." His voice shook slightly as emotion crept up, as sadness and tears forced their way to the surface. His hand refused to stop and he couldn't make himself stay contained. "It was easier," he said, swallowing, "it was simpler and softer and I got to sleep, and I didn't c-care what anyone thought when I kissed you in front of them, and you were so happy, and I thought... this was better. I could finally make my brain stop, but I can't do that by myself, I can't, it won't... it never stops. And I want it to stop, Blake, don't you get that? Can't you see that I need this?" He was desperate now, ready to beg for it, to get on his hands and knees and plead and cry and do anything he could, anything Blake wanted, just to make it all stop.

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blake_elliot
2012-05-10 09:35 pm UTC (link)

Blake saw the desperation in Godric's eye, felt a pang of guilt and sadness for him, which those brown eyes displayed. He was so sympathetic, he wanted Godric to be happy again but he was not about to give in. Reaching out he took hold of Godric's shaking hand, squeezing it softly but no less firmly.

"You're right, I was happy, but it didn't stop something from not feeling right," he explained. "I realised that a kiss in the hallway is nothing compared to the way you kiss me in private, but even that was... different. I know that you feel you need it, that it could be so much easier if you just stopped caring but that's not a life, Godric." He brushed a hand through the vampire's hair then settled back. All he wanted to do really was cradle him in his arms, hold him and tell him everything would be okay but he couldn't, and if he did that nothing would be okay again. "When this is done we'll get away. We'll go anywhere you like, escape caring for a while. I've always said you need to stop trying to be Superman.... maybe you need to learn to stop being Superman."

Blake offered him a soft smile, hoping to reassure him but he knew it wouldn't do much.

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shy_vamp
2012-05-10 09:51 pm UTC (link)

Drawing his hand away, looking injured, Godric curled up into himself, scowling. "Why don't you just stop loving me?" he challenged. "Why don't you just stop, if it's so easy? Loving me has hurt you, it causes you unspeakable misery, you've been through more than you've ever deserved just because you've been with me, so why don't you just stop it? Hm?" Eyes narrowed, Godric stared Blake down angrily. "Because you can't. Because it is ingrained into you, it's a part of your heart, your mind. I can't just stop, don't you understand that? I can't just let people go, I can't just... I can't just let people fall if I know I can catch them. I can't. Time isn't going to stop that, distance isn't going to stop it. That's who I am. And if you just want me to suffer it, then you're horrible. Then you can't really love me because why would you do that to me? How could you do it? The only reason would be because... because your happiness is more important than mine. And if that's true, then you're just like all the others. You're worse, maybe."

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blake_elliot
2012-05-10 10:05 pm UTC (link)

"Who you are," began Blake softly, "is a beautiful man inside and out. That you can't let people fall without a safety net is testament to that. Why do you think I'm here, to harm you? I'm doing exactly what you do, I'm catching you as you fall, Godric. Just like you did for me, and Hope, and Wesley... you remember Wesley, when he holed himself up for days on end in that stinking room? You dragged him to the shower and told him off. You told Will off. Some of them are as stubborn as you are. but they are better for knowing you even if they don't always do what you know is best. That you can't see that is... sad, really. Maybe you're not shown that you're appreciated enough."

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shy_vamp
2012-05-10 10:16 pm UTC (link)

"I don't WANT to be appreciated!!" Stepping away from the wall, Godric shoved Blake back, and shoved him hard. "I don't want people to realize that I try so hard for them, I don't want recognition! I want it to STOP! I want my head back again! I want to be able to lay down, and not think, and not relive every mistake I've made, the people I've hurt, that I've left behind, I want to just... I want it to be simple. I want to know what will make you happy and actually be able to do it, and not worry about what everyone is thinking, or not thinking, or how they see me or if they say one thing and think another and I don't even know how anybody really feels about me. I just, I just want peave. Peace in my own head. Don't you get it yet? This isn't about me and you, me and them, it's... it's about me and my own head. It's about making it just stop." It had to stop. The one thing Godric couldn't control, had never been able to, was his own mind. He couldn't stop thinking, worrying, analyzing everything, and he had always joked to himself that one day it would drive him crazy. But now that he knew there was an alternative, that there was a way to live without constantly thinking, he was starting to think that maybe he was already going mad.

"I don't want to be saved," he said, throat tight and tears spilling onto his cheeks. "I want it to stop. Please don't do this, don't make me go through this, don't... don't do this to me, please Blake... please don't make me do this anymore..."

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