InsaneJournal

Remus wasn’t good at giving people space. And even less so when those were his people. Still, he tried. Especially with Peter. Yes, Peter was his first friend, but he wasn’t a canine. That was nothing against him, but there was a different tenor with Peter. One that Remus felt fractured a little after he was kidnapped. (And how that still felt like a failure on his part. All their parts really. They were pack.)

So, for as much as he wanted to show up on Peter’s doorstep right then and there, he waited. Well, at least until the following night. And Remus knocked before letting himself into the flat. “I have burgers. I had more. But one has already been rightfully sacrificed. You eat yet?”

Peter hadn’t really spoken to any of the Marauders since Sirius and Remus had ever-so-subtly stated that they were apparently snogging now. Which was fine, Peter didn’t care -- at least not about that. What bothered Peter the most was that he was losing the last (and first) friend he’d ever made at Hogwarts. He had been for a while, not that he had the gall to admit to it. But it was overly obvious at this point that with James and Lily together and now Remus and Sirius, Peter was the odd one out. The remainder. The one left behind.

He startled when he heard the knock on his door, half expecting it to be Sirius there to tell him how he needed to treat Remus better. But no, it was Remus. Possibly the last person he wanted to deal with aside from Sirius. He didn’t know what to say to him, really. Peter sat on the sofa with Hairy Pupper lying down next to him and a cigarette in his fingers. “No,” he said simply. He felt stiff and uncomfortable which generally was only saved for people who were not the Marauders.

Remus took off his shoes by the door before crossing to the sofa. “Then I come with bearing gifts.” He was getting better with Hairy Pupper, but the dog still unsettled him. He set the food on the table. Remus nudged Peter so he could wiggle into the small space on the other side as the puppy.

“I worry about you.” It was a quiet confession met with a gentle bump of shoulders. Worry might come easy to Remus, but it held more weight with pack.

Peter didn’t say anything, just flicked ash from the cigarette into the ashtray. Hairy jumped off the sofa as soon as Remus sat down, giving a backward glance before he settled into the dog bed in the corner. Maybe he knew that Remus wasn’t all human or maybe he understood that Remus wasn’t his biggest fan or maybe he had just wanted to move. Who knew.

“I’m fine.” He took one more long drag from his fag and stubbed it out. “You’re fine. Everybody is fine.”

“Ooh! If we’re playing this game. I am Puffskein.” Seemed fitting, after all, as he reached to help himself to start on his second burger. Although now he was going to be more aware if he started humming in content. “Wanna try again?”

Rolling his eyes, Peter pushed off the sofa and went to the fridge to grab some beers. He’d downed half of one before he’d made it back to the coffee table. When he sat back down he put some space between himself and Remus. “No, I don’t.” It sounded harsher than he’d meant it to be, but maybe that was for the best. He didn’t need Remus to pity him.

Remus shifted, tucking more into the corner of the sofa in response. “Did I do something wrong?” There was probably a better reading of the situation, but that was the gut reaction.

Peter finished his beer and leaned forward over his thighs, his leg jogging in place now. “No,” he replied once, then, “No,” again. He scrubbed a hand through his hair in mild frustration. “You didn’t do anything, Remus.”

“It sort of feels like I did.” Remus unwrapped the burger. Serious conversations, yes, but food was a priority. It was also an easy distraction. “And if I did, I might like to know what, so I can fix it because I meant what I said earlier.”

The last thing he wanted to do was throw a pity party for himself and he didn’t really know how to explain anything without sounding pathetic. He lit another cigarette. “So what exactly are you and Sirius supposed to be now?” he said instead, which probably wasn’t the best thought to go with.

Sirius? What did any of this have to do with Sirius? (Except for a lot of things actually.) “Human, on most days. I hope?” Remus frowned, freeing a chip from the box. “But, no, that’s not what you’re upset about. Is it that we’re living together now?”

“I’m not upset,” Peter replied a little too quickly. He was generally very good at hiding his feelings (and other things), but he’d gotten used to being more himself around Remus. Which had probably been a mistake in hindsight. “Apparently doing more than living together,” he found himself muttering even though he should have shut it down already. This whole situation was shit.

Remus ran a hand through his hair. In many ways, things with Sirius now just felt like a natural and inevitable progression from two lost twelve year olds trying to assert they weren’t alone. “It happened. Is happening.” He shrugged, not wanting to give it too much thought. Better, and maybe the only way he’d let himself have something he wanted. “Not sure it really changes anything.” Except for this distance between them that left Remus feeling raw.

Peter realised now that he didn’t really want to know about it anyway, but it felt like an easier subject to take on than his own insecurities. He just shrugged at first and took a few long drags on his fag. When he felt a little more in control of his emotions, he let himself speak again. “Things have been changing for a while, mate.”

He watched Peter closely, picking at the chips, surprisingly not hungry. “That’s generally what happens. Growing older and all, but the important things. The ones that matter, those don’t need to change. Not if we don’t want them to.” Remus knew the things he would hold onto and never let go of, but he also knew he wasn’t the only voice in those decisions. “What do you want, Pete?”

Change had never been easy on Peter as it usually always came with a downside. None of this had been any different for him and it felt easier to prepare for the other shoe to drop now than to hold on too tightly and get shredded like he had so many times in the past. “The important things changed when we were eleven, Remus. There’s nothing to be done about it now.”

“When I was eleven, I was one bad full moon away from … well, nothing very good.” Remus tucked his feet up under himself, pulling at the edges of the jumper. “Hogwarts was a lifeline. A dangerous one, yes, but still... Peter, you were my first friend.” James and Sirius were too much. They were too loud and brilliant, for the quiet Welsh boy who didn’t know how to navigate all those people. “I certainly don’t get to count James and Sirius as family, as pack, without you first.”

“You were my only friend.” Literally, unless he counted his mother, which he would rather not be that pathetic. “And you always… fit better with them than I ever could - or would.” It didn’t seem prudent to also mention that sometimes Sirius scared the shit out of him and he suspected that the other man hated him half the time. “I’ve always been here and you’ve always been there.” Peter pointed at their respective places on the sofa with his lit fag for emphasis. “After them, at least.”

Remus wanted to close that distance.

No. Actually what he really wanted was for it to not exist at all. “So why not come over? Fix that?” He reached out his foot and poked Peter with a sock clad toe. “Having James or Sirius doesn’t make me want or need you any less.”

The side of Peter’s mouth lifted slightly at that. He stubbed out his second cigarette and looked over at his friend, but answered seriously. “I don’t know if it can be fixed.” He rubbed at his forearm subconsciously. Quietly, “It doesn’t really feel like that.”

“Well, they’re my feelings. My truths.” He poked Peter again, as if to make a point. “And I just… I hate this. Hate feeling that you’re pulling away, have been since August, really, and we couldn’t--” There was a high pitched whine in the back of his throat. Remus followed it with an exhale. He was so entirely uncomfortable in his body right now. Not unfamiliar, but never welcome.

Maybe Remus really did feel that way about Peter, but it was hard to see that when they were all together. When he was with Sirius. Remus had a point about Peter, loathe as he was to admit to it. “You’re right. I have. It’s… I didn’t mean to--” Regardless of his lack of canine attributes, Peter knew Remus well enough to know what that meant. It was difficult for him to reach out first, but he loved Remus (more than anyone else, really) and he didn’t want to make him feel like this.

Peter scooted over and wrapped his arms around his friend’s shoulders and pressed his forehead against Remus’ neck.

Remus uncoiled, leaning into the touch and allowing his food to be pushed aside. He nudged his chin at Peter with equal parts affection and reassurance. “It’d be one thing if you were gone, but you’re still here. I want you to still be here. With us. With me.” It was selfish. Remus knew that even as he spoke. This whole thing had all too quickly been turn into what he wanted and needed, but he wanted for so little. And sometimes, just sometimes, he let himself have what he wanted.

Peter released a long exhale. “It’s not that easy,” he said into Remus’ chest. Remus acted like it was no big deal that things had changed, but it was a big deal to Peter. And things weren’t easy for him to begin with, plus the other bullshit he’d brought into his life. So here he was.

“Nothing new then.” He chuckled, low, deep. “Not sure I’d know what to do with my life if things were easy.” Remus followed with a nosey nudge into Peter’s curls. Nothing was fixed, but he didn’t think anything had been broken beyond repair. “Blood oaths, remember?”

It wasn’t new, no, but it wasn’t good either. Peter breathed a little deeper when Remus nosed into his hair and wished that things would stay like this. He knew that was a stupid wish though. “I don’t want to be alone,” he admitted almost inaudibly. It was probably the first time he’d ever said it aloud.

Remus hummed letting himself have just one moment here. He pressed a kiss into Peter’s hair, not thinking anything of it. “You’re not alone.” He said it before and he would say it again. Remus certainly heard it from his friends often enough. Eventually it started to be believed. “Not if you don’t want to be.”

There wasn’t anything else he could say. The choice had already been made. He was alone and if his friends ever found out, he was also dead. Maybe it was easier to just ignore it until that time actually came. He tightened his grip on Remus’ shoulders a little and snuggled into his friend’s skin instead of speaking.

“And even if you did. I don’t think I’d be any good at letting go.” For someone who never thought he would have friends, he couldn’t imagine life without them. Peter was pack. No matter what else the world threw at them, Remus would cling on and never want to let go.