Entry tags:

jenna, just finished

Music is an Excellent Teacher
Who: Jenna Ansboro
What: Practicing, reflection, and self growth
When: Monday the 9th through Thursday the 12th
Where: Various places, but mostly in the practice rooms
Rating: PG
Status: Complete Narrative

Kissing boys only led to problems. Jenna now fully understood that statement. Stupidly she had thought that by kissing Michael it would make him see that he really wanted to date her, not just kiss her. While she didn’t regret having her first kiss with him, she did regret allowing herself to do something she felt wrong about. Friends with benefits… how could she ever think she was the type of girl to be okay with that sort of thing? Again, the only logical answer she could come up with was that she’d said yes in hopes of him seeing that he wanted more than that with her.

In a night of rebellion, Jenna had done many things she’d never imagined herself doing. Sneaking into a club with a fake ID, drinking several alcoholic beverages, and dancing so close to a boy that she could feel their body. These were all things she would never have fathomed herself doing had she still been at home in California. It had been an incredible night and she was glad that she’d let herself be swept up into the frenzy of it. Things had gotten out of hand with her when she kissed Matt good night. While she had intended on kissing him on the cheek, somehow their lips had met. To say that she was startled into sobriety was an understatement.

When she’d gone back into her room that night, she’d told herself that she wasn’t cut out for all the kissing and feelings. Michael had been her friend, granted she’d had a crush on him for a month or two, but ultimately he was still her friend. Matt was like a big brother… her male best friend… the guy she turned to for advice on the opposite sex. Kissing him had been a mistake. She realized then that she shouldn’t be kissing people and that maybe that was why she hadn’t been kissed before Michael. It hadn’t been her time and she hadn’t found the right person.

Sunday, she’d had her date with Garrett. They were friends and he seemed like a really nice guy. Jenna had invited him to the reading in the city because she’d genuinely felt bad about kissing Michael. They had just gone out on a date a few days before hand and it was wrong of her to be kissing another boy so soon afterwards. The reading had been meant as a way to make amends for her poor behavior, but Garrett had thought more of the date… at least that’s what she believed. He’d leaned in and kissed her when he was dropping her off at the hotel. While she hadn’t kissed him back, she couldn’t help but feel like it had been her fault. Was it just her or was she sending mixed signals all over the place?

It was all the issues with boys that had made Jenna refocus herself and her reasons for being at school. Monday, she’d gone about her day as normally as possible. She’d avoided Michael between classes, mainly because she needed to get her head on straight before actually talking to him. During lunch and dinner she’d sat with her girl friends and half listened to the conversations. Right after dinner, she broke off the benefits part of her friendship with Michael. It just felt like the right thing to do and that was what was most important. After a long journal to herself, she headed into the practice rooms.

For the first time, in a long time, she stayed up the majority of the night just playing. It was that first night that her tears flowed freely as she played a sad song she felt in her heart. Recording the song and then putting it down on paper made her feel better… Music always made Jenna feel better. As she worked on the piece, the tears came less and less. That first night she’d accomplished more than she’d set out to. She’d come to terms with her behavior over the past few days or so and decided on her course of action for that. No more boys. Or better… no more kissing boys unless there was a mutual attraction and it felt like the right thing to do.

Tuesday had been better. Jenna had walked and talked with Michael between classes like they had before all the awkwardness and craziness of kissing each other had started. Granted it had been a little awkward, but it was bound to be for a little while. However, she ate lunch and dinner with Adelaide and a few of her other girl friends. She didn’t want to over do it. After dinner, she’d made her way to the library to finish up her homework. Once it was done, she’d spent the rest of the night in the practice room again. However this time, she was actually practicing her pieces for class.

That had been a good night and Jenna was grateful that Garrett had showed up that night instead of the previous. While she had been caught up in her music, she put her violin down for a few moments to talk with him. He really was a nice guy and she was glad she could call him her friend, if nothing else. Hopefully he wouldn’t want to pursue things with her as anything more than friends… she just didn’t feel that way about him. After he’d left, Jenna went back to practicing her pieces for school and let her mind drift just a little every now and then.

The following day, things went sour for Jenna. After school, she’d been on her way to dinner when she’d gotten a phone call from her mother. Frankie had found out she was having a girl and her mother was ecstatic. She knew she should be thrilled by the news of a niece, but a part of her felt a stab of jealousy. Frankie was the perfect child. She was the first born and had grown up into a stunning woman. She’d landed a great husband by both her own and her parents standards. They had been married for a little over a year and were now expecting their first born.

She really should be happy for her sister and a part of her was, the big part of her was. However, the tiny voice in Jenna’s head that said she wasn’t good enough raged. All her life she’d lived in the shadow of her sister’s success. When she had been accepted into Hiatt-Wellerstein, she had hoped that it would gain her some attention from her parents. For a brief moment, it had. They had told all of their friends and business associates of their little girl’s accomplishment. Jenna hadn’t even made it through her first year at the school before her sister had announced that she was pregnant. That alone had taken the spotlight back from her, but now that they knew the sex of the baby… would she ever get it back?

Instead of heading to dinner, Jenna went back to the dorms. She rushed through her homework, not taking a moment to stop and eat. The moment her work was done, she grabbed her violin case and ran down the stairs. Holing herself up in the farthest room from the entrance of the dorm, she closed the door completely and pulled out the sheet music to the dreary song she’d been working on Monday night. With her back to the door, she would have plenty of time to wipe at the tears that were falling against her wishes before anyone caught sight of them.

The more she worked on her composition, the better she felt. Music really was Jenna’s saving grace. Even if she never amounted to anything more than a fifth chair violinist in some small town orchestra, she would be happy. It might not be her dream job, but it would allow her to play. She always felt better after she played some song by a classic composer and she knew she always would.

It had been late when she left the practice room that evening, but she’d gone to her laptop and written a journal about the news her mother had given her. She couldn’t not write about the news, it had gotten her fairly upset. So upset that she had missed dinner and she didn’t want anyone to be concerned about her. She’d suggested a movie marathon for Friday, seeing as how it was Friday the thirteenth, and it would give her something to look forward to and cheer her up.

It was Thursday now. While she felt marginally better about the idea of having a niece and another person vying for the spotlight, she still felt a little twinge of jealousy. Jenna was sure she’d get over it as soon as she got to hold the baby in her arms, though that was still months away. Going about her day as normally as possible, she walked with her friends in between classes and started actually listening to the stories and gossip at the lunch table.

Things would be okay and she knew that now. She had come to terms with the fact that she may never be famous or that she may never be so great that she’d be praised. Studying and playing music was no longer all about the fame for her… it was what Jenna turned to as a way to console herself. Music was what she could always count on to make her feel better, even if she was critiqued poorly every now and again. She played for herself first and foremost. Sitting in the practice room Thursday night, she smiled as she played her favorite piece. Everything would be okay.