There are a few things I've been holding close to my chest here, things that I've held close ever since they happened, all in an attempt to avoid thinking about it and avoid owning up to what I've done. I've felt that way here too, despite knowing how easily everyone can discover some of our dirty secrets. In an effort to stop running from what I've done, I think I need to get it off my chest. I can't move on if I'm carrying it on my back like this forever.
I lived on a planet called Caprica, years ago. It was one of the twelve planets that made up our colonies. My father had been in the military for my entire life, which meant he was away a lot. My parents divorced when I was eight, and I saw him less after that. It took us years to fix our relationship and to stop blaming each other for everything that went wrong.
I had a fiancée on Caprica. Gianne. She was pregnant, and when she told me, I ran. I was afraid that I would only repeat the mistakes my father made with my brother and I. I was afraid of a lot of things that didn't really matter in the end. When the colonies fell to the Cylons during their attack, she was there. I never saw her again. I spent a long time blaming myself for being a coward and for never going back to apologize. The guilt I felt got in the way of too much over the years, and I still haven't managed to shake it all. I don't know if I ever can. The funny thing about being here is that I find myself thinking more about my mistakes than I did when all I had to worry about was where I was going to find my next meal. I don't know what it is about it. The similarities to home, my face being on a new show about doctors.
It's a relief to finally talk about it, at least.
Gods, and to think it's only Monday.