alucard emery (anoshe) wrote in thedisplaced, @ 2018-08-28 19:56:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log/thread, alucard emery, rhy maresh |
WHO: Alucard Emery & Rhy Maresh
WHAT: Talking about Kell moving out
WHEN: August 22nd, after this log
WHERE: The palace, their quarters
WARNINGS: Abandonment issues...
Kell was leaving, and Rhy’s heart was broken. He had done everything in his power to hold himself together during the conversation. It had started out very strangely, with Kell acting as though he was leaving for Rhy and Alucard’s sake, but ultimately the truth had come out: that he wanted to leave, for his own sake. Rhy should have expected it, probably. It was not really new, and he had already known it was going to happen at home. But it still hurt, because he hadn’t thought it was going to happen here. As soon as he was alone, he felt miserable; hollow, small, and horribly lonely. It was still hard not to feel like it was all too easy for the people he loved to leave him. There was still a voice in his head that knew just what to say to make him feel as worthless as possible. It had been mercifully silent recently, but it was back now. He had been alone with that voice for all of a minute and already he couldn’t stand it. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the pokeball that contained his Pikipek. He opened it, and out came Llek in a flutter of red and white and black feathers, a coloring that reminded Rhy so much of his brother. Llek swooped around him in a circle and then came to settle on his shoulder, but Rhy carefully cupped the bird in his hands and cradled it against his chest. Llek burrowed in happily and warmly against him, and Rhy felt a little better. He held the bird there as he made his way back to the rooms he shared with Alucard, now empty. He had planned on making dinner but had very definitely lost his appetite. He closed the door to the rooms behind him and lay down on the bed, on his side, letting Llek settle inside the curve of his arms. Not long after, he felt a slight movement of the mattress that indicated Esa had jumped onto it, and then the cat curled up against the back of his neck, sharing his pillow. Rhy murmured softly to her in greeting, grateful for her company. Then he closed his eyes and tried to shut out the worst of his thoughts, so that he could just let himself be appropriately sad. -- Alucard’s steps returned toward Rhy’s rooms, their rooms, after an afternoon spent connecting stone together and sensing them. The magic was sweaty work, and Alucard was often reminded of his own lectures to Bard about trying to control the ocean. It was nothing so ambitious, and he had, lacking finesse, controlled everything within a large estate before. The palace being truncated, only a part of itself, made it easier. But he was not even in a good state to cook dinner, much less to eat it. Fresh clothes were necessary. Inside presented a domestic scene, of which both animals were particularly adorable. It was more challenging and less comfortable to curl up next to Alucard’s bird. The tableau was sharply colored by the miserable expression through Rhy’s body and his face. Something bad had happened. Nothing had pinged, that Alucard was aware of, so that Kell should still be around. At least, that should not be the issue. “Rhy,” Alucard said softly. He sat on the edge of the bed, one hand brushing Rhy’s cheek. It was as sweaty as the clothes. But for all Alucard would have been more comfortable changed, he felt it was more important to be there for Rhy. Misery was not best kept waiting. Even when it visited early. -- Every part of Rhy’s being wanted to lean into the touch, and curl up in Alucard’s arms, regardless of the state of him. But with that longing came the shame of needing him, needing company, not wanting to be alone. He settled for lifting one hand of his own and using it to press Alucard’s hand against his cheek. It didn’t matter that he was sweaty, the touch was comforting. “Kell’s moving out,” he said, by way of explanation. Saying it aloud caused a fresh pang in his heart, and in its wake, the cruel voice in his head telling him that he was stupid and weak for being hurt over it. He told it to shut up. “I probably should have expected it, but I didn’t.” And that was the part that hurt the most: the surprise. At home he’d been prepared for it, had even planned on it. Here, he’d been genuinely convinced that things would be different, even though he should have known better. And, at home, it felt less personal. Everything about the real palace and being treated as royalty presented bad memories for Kell, but there was no crown here, no one to treat Kell like a prince, and even the palace was different. Rhy wasn’t really a king, either. But Kell still wanted to leave. -- Staying seated where he was just then, given Rhy had not pulled him in closer, Alucard watched Rhy’s face, the emotion running across those royal features, the sadness threaded through. The words explained all of it. No one could affect Rhy so much as Kell. Alucard knew and accepted that. It was the kind of relationship brothers were meant to have. Kell longed to be more than what the crown and this palace defined him as. Alucard knew as much. Had Bard arrived, he would have been not surprised one bit had Kell moved out. Alucard could not see Bard living in a place like this. Nothing explained the timing, save that it tied back to Kell. Alucard hoped it did not relate back to working together; he feared that the amount of time he and Kell spent together poring over magic meant the broody prince wanted greater space from Alucard. He said nothing of that point now. “I am sorry to hear that,” Alucard replied. Not simply because it made Kell harder to protect, not simply because it meant so much to Rhy. Alucard liked living with their families, the parts of them that loved them fully. He had imagined the four of them - Rhy and Kell, Alucard and Anisa - living together, here. There was more than enough room. “I am surprised,” Alucard admitted, holding his tone light, even. He would have expected Kell to move out sooner or not for a long time, if ever. It had been months. What had sparked it? “But I am sure that he loves you as much as he always has, and that will not change.” It could perhaps even increase if Kell felt some need for space. -- Rhy didn’t really want to tell him the reason that Kell had first given. It still bothered him a lot that Kell thought his leaving would give Rhy and Alucard’s relationship more room to grow. Their relationship had flourished, and thrived, in the months that they had been living with Kell, and if anything, it would suffer for his leaving, because Rhy wouldn’t be as happy. He had grown and flourished and thrived here because he had both of his favorite people in one place. Now he had to find his footing again. He intended to keep his plans to propose this weekend, though. Even if he wasn’t as happy, overall, he still wanted to give Alucard the kind of confidence in him that the proposal would bring. He wanted to know how it felt when Alucard looked at him with surety that Rhy was his, and always would be. He deserved to be done with the waiting, and the half-expecting that something would ruin this for them somehow. They both did. “I think,” he said finally, “That he was partially motivated by knowing I’ve made big decisions about my future with you. That he wants to make decisions for his future as well. He’s always wanted one… away from Arnes, and everything that it represents for him.” There. That was the truth, or at least Rhy’s understanding of the truth, but represented in a less hurtful way than the way Kell had initially explained it. He sat up, slightly dislodging the bird and the cat. Llek fluttered to his shoulder and tucked himself against Rhy’s neck, while Esa merely re-settled herself on Rhy’s pillow, this time without leaving room for him. Rhy still held Alucard’s hand in his, he lifted it to his lips and pressed a kiss to his lover’s palm. “I know he loves me. I was just happier with him here, that’s all. And I was stupid enough to think that it would last, since we aren’t in Arnes.” -- Every pause between words provided time for the tug of his shirt sticking to his back, the slow sensation of his trousers sliding as they dried stiffly against his legs, every bit of his physical condition stand out. They wouldn’t have measured so strongly at sea, where that was expected. The palace undermined the clothes sea worn status. But all that, much as it bothered him like an itch, reminded him of how real their relationship was here, that it came at such inconvenient times. Running into each other in their rooms. The dinner one of them would likely cook for the other. In that regard, Alucard quite liked it. And it made his clothes far more tolerable. His face stayed even as the explanation came out. It was not the time for his hopes to get up. They both knew, Kell likely knew, that Rhy had committed to marrying Alucard in Arnes, an act which came with far more consequences than anything here. Nothing indicated anything more, even though it could mean something for their lives in Tumbleweed. The palace was all of Arnes that was present, and even within Arnes, it was likely the place Kell wanted the most to leave behind. Not Rhy, not forever. But to leave. “You were not stupid,” Alucard replied, “It is possible it could have lasted. We are not in Arnes. There are no guards, and Kell has been freer to move about here than in Arnes.” Rhy had let Kell have such freedoms in Arnes, but Rhy had needed to let Kell have those freedoms. In Tumbleweed, nothing of the sort was necessary. Kell had decided to go and had said as much. Even if Rhy were being as open and accepting of Kell doing what he wanted, even if he did not mean to have those reins of control in Arnes, he lacked them here. It possibly made it harder. “But Kell will not be on a boat, here, lest something has changed on the river. He will be able to visit us quickly, no matter how far away he lives,” Alucard pointed out. Again, that control remained with Kell. Under their own volition, neither Rhy nor Alucard could do as much to visit Kell. It would take them however much time it took to get to new housing. Wherever that was. -- Calling himself stupid had been his insecurity talking; it had slipped out in spite of Rhy’s best attempts to keep that contained. He sighed inwardly, but nodded. That had been his reasoning too. He almost laughed at the statement, Kell will not be on a boat, but managed not to. It was funny because in just a few days, Rhy and Alucard would be on a boat, the one that Rhy had rented for them, in order to propose. But that was a surprise, so he couldn’t say it aloud. Nevertheless, the amusement did lift his spirits a little. “I know,” he said. “I did make him promise to visit. I’m just going to miss him, that’s all.” He lowered Alucard’s hand and looked at him, really looked. His gaze was at first appreciative, and then a mixture of curiosity and amusement, as the sight of his sweaty state distracted him from what he’d planned to say next. “What have you been doing, love?” -- The words weren’t meant to be new. Indeed, they were all facts that Rhy likely knew at heart. But it could be awfully hard to keep them in mind through the torrent of feelings and other thoughts that surely made themselves known. Saying them aloud was only a reminder, something Rhy could ground himself on. Then, though he would be sad, it would be tempered by reality. Alucard nodded. Then he smiled, amused at Rhy noticing how he was dressed. Or more accurately, the state of his dress. The clothes were good quality, well fitting, and fashionable as of a few seasons before. “Enchanting stone, connecting them, so that what can be sensed nearby can be sensed farther away,” Alucard replied, simplifying a great deal of the finesse and magical theory behind what he was doing. Remarkably sweaty considering he was not even moving anything. “I have learned, though not yet mastered, the magic your mother used to connect water in the palace,” Alucard explained further. “I have also started to adapt it to other elements.” Earth in this case, as it was easier than air. He had fairly readily seen how it could be used to make mirrors that connected to each other, much like the water. But Alucard had not explored that yet. That not being the purpose. -- “Mm,” Rhy murmured, unable to keep his amusement from showing. It glinted in his eyes and hovered around the edges of his mouth. “Sounds like very hard work.” It was entertaining mostly because he knew full well how much care Alucard took with his clothes, not to dirty them or crease them, and he knew his lover must be very eager to change and put his clothing in the wash. But Rhy also rather liked the look, and was immensely glad for the distraction. It was like Alucard wearing a Hawaiian shirt to make him laugh after the battle with the pirates all over again. Except he looked better like this. He lifted Alucard’s hand again, and kissed his knuckles. “I know you must be dying to change. I appreciate you waiting a little while to check in with me.” His expression sobered a little, but just to seriousness, not to misery. “I appreciate everything you’ve done, and still do, for me. Especially coming back, and staying.” -- “In the palace, it certainly is,” Alucard replied. The palace was well spelled, defensively. The water was simply an object in the palace, not the palace itself. Alucard could very well set a stone in each room and accomplish something like it. Different, for the differences between elements and how it was inclined to connect to each other. But simply another object in the palace. The palace itself… there were advantages to that, reason beyond his end goals. It was worth it. Still, his tone was light. Besides the tournament and the chaos following, it had been some time in Arnes since Alucard had worn himself out magically, either with practice or new studies. It was a pleasant renewal. Rhy acknowledged the state Alucard was in. But those words were not enough, even given the amusement and other emotions coming through, that Alucard felt right about standing and changing just then. Even if Rhy understood, it could cause an echo of the feelings he had about Kell just then. “You are well worth it,” Alucard replied. From the clothes to everything it had taken to return. “It is what I want to do. Here is where I want to be.” The words were a reassurance, just as Alucard accepted the recognition and gratitude Rhy was giving him. “How are you doing now?” Alucard asked. Because he would stay, sweaty, there as long as Rhy needed to. And he would cross their room and change in a matter of minutes. If Rhy truly preferred the bed to eating, they could bring the food there or simply go without for a night. There was worse. -- There weren’t words for the way Rhy’s heart swelled to hear Alucard say that he was worth it. He had known it already, and he would have reacted the same way under any other circumstances, but the current situation made Rhy feel it even more keenly. Made him understand, very deeply, why it mattered so much that Alucard wanted to stay. He’d had the whole world to explore on his ship, but he wanted to be here, and in Arnes, with Rhy. It meant the world to him. It still didn’t make Rhy love him more, or better, than Kell. It didn’t make him a replacement for Kell in any way. But it did ease the hollow feeling in Rhy’s heart, the one that came with the unpleasant thought that he wasn’t worth staying for, that he was easy to leave, that he was small and insignificant and cared so much more about other people than they did about him. He kissed Alucard’s wrist, and then his fingertips. He tasted, not unpleasantly, of salt. Rhy found that he really didn’t mind his lover’s current state, not one bit, not the way he looked or the way he smelled. Clearly he was stupidly, head over heels in love. He didn’t regret it, not even a little bit. “I’ll be alright,” he answered truthfully. He was going to have more episodes of moodiness and unhappiness than he’d been having lately, but Alucard was still clearly able to cheer him up, and Kell would visit. And when neither of them were around, he had other friends, and he also had his bird. “You can get up and change, love.” He smiled, and managed to summon just the barest hint of mischief. “As long as you do it where I can watch.” -- Had Alucard chosen what state he was in when Rhy started kissing his skin, it would have been clean and fresh. His hands, his back, his whole body felt coated in sweat or its dried remains, which truly was not any better. But the vision was a lovely one, and the skin sensitive. Despite the hunger in his stomach, Alucard could think of other ways to spend the next half hour. Rhy was doing better, and clever as he was, he understood the meaning behind Alucard’s question. It had not been to pry or to pressure Rhy. Rhy was the priority, one worth giving up plenty for. Clean clothes weren’t the first of it. But that not being needed, Alucard was glad to change nonetheless. “Sometime,” Alucard replied, “I will change behind a screen, where all you can see is my silhouette.” The way he imagined it, the clothes were not making a starring appearance. He stood, brushing his hand against Rhy’s before it slipped away. “Not today,” Alucard clarified. His hands reached up to unbutton the few buttons lined up near the top of his shirt. That revealed little, but Alucard rotated so that it was within Rhy’s view. He then pulled the shirt off in a smooth action. The dramatics were followed by the smaller movements of setting the clothing over in the bin and choosing a new one. This one also came from Alucard’s time at sea, but the cotton was a simple shirt, its quality showing in its stitches. It passed inspection, and after dawdling as long as was truly defensible, Alucard pulled the clean shirt on. -- “Tease,” Rhy murmured quietly, smiling. He didn’t mind the idea of Alucard changing behind a screen, really. He liked almost every idea that involved Alucard taking his clothes off, or even just being nearby. And there were many things he seriously considered doing besides just watching in that moment, but none of them felt quite right. Unfair to both Kell and Alucard, for different reasons. Kell would know that Rhy had tried to cope with his heartbreak by sleeping with Alucard, and that might reinforce the feeling that Alucard was replacing him somehow. And Rhy’s heart wouldn’t be entirely in it, and it wouldn’t be entirely about Alucard, which definitely seemed unfair to him. He deserved the whole of Rhy’s attention. But all that aside, he really was enjoying the view. If he could just spend a little while recovering from the blow of Kell’s news, and slowly finding his way back to the way things had been between him and Alucard before, he would be okay. In a few hours they could come back to bed. And on Saturday he would still be ready to propose. He hadn’t really stopped being ready for that, even if in the darkest, loneliest moment after parting with Kell, he’d felt a little guilty for it. Saints, he just wanted so badly to feel happy again, without any significant edge to it. That wasn’t wrong of him, was it? He stayed seated on the bed, his gaze moving over the gleaming skin and muscle of Alucard’s chest, arms, and back for as long as they were visible. But his gaze also kept slipping back up to Alucard’s face, even when he was in profile, because the sight made his heart feel warm and almost whole again. -- His shoes were removed next, so as to allow Alucard to change his trousers. It was a more telling moment than the shirt, perhaps. But Alucard did not expect more to happen for it. His chest and back were plenty appealing on their own, and had Rhy wanted to do more than flirt, only a handful of steps were between them. So it continued just as it was, generally as what Alucard had returned to the room to do. Curious. Alucard would not have minded Rhy using their physical affections to gain a better mood. It was just as well. Alucard was ravenous and no one had started cooking yet. Alucard returned toward Rhy, still sweaty and in some need of a bath, but in clean comfortable clothes. And that made a difference in his mood already. Staying standing, not joining Rhy on the bed, Alucard held out one hand. “What do you say to cooking dinner together?” Alucard asked. It could also keep Rhy’s mind and body occupied and cared for, in the end. -- Rhy accepted the hand, and kept hold of it even after he was on his feet. His thumb found the shape of the royal seal ring that he had given Alucard on his birthday, and gently ran over it. It was a subtly possessive gesture, one that Rhy had been using a lot more lately. Meant to be reassuring, to communicate that he’d made his choice, that Alucard would be his and Rhy would be Alucard’s. He wasn’t entirely sure the subtleties of the message were getting through. But Alucard didn’t seem to mind it, and it made Rhy feel better, so he kept doing it. “I’d like that,” he said, meeting his lover’s gaze. “And I’d like to spend the whole rest of the evening with you, afterward.” They were standing close together, and Rhy was very tempted to move in for a kiss. But he had just realized that this was an opportunity to ask what he had not yet found the right moment for, a moment that wouldn’t completely give away the surprise. “What do you say to going away this weekend? Just the two of us?” In this context, it sounded like something designed just to improve his mood. It was in fact something he’d been planning for more than a month. But he could clarify that later. Right now, he just wanted to make absolutely sure that Alucard wouldn’t make any other plans for the weekend -- or that he would drop whatever plans he had because Rhy had asked. Rhy was sure he would not mind being just a little bit misled. Not for the purposes of surprising him with the proposal. -- Something continued to be on Rhy’s mind, as he paused, not yet moving toward the door, toward the kitchen, toward their evening plans. As complimentary to his ego as it was to think his charms were possibly that difficult to resist just then, Alucard did not suspect as much. Rhy’s signals had been wrong the whole conversation for that. Whether it had anything to do with the greater physical intimacy Rhy initiated with greater frequency in every situation or something else, Alucard could not quite say. But he stroked the back of Rhy’s hand and considered the question. None of his plans had been set in stone. Some ideas of doing something at some time. But not used to weekends when it came to working, Alucard was as comfortable moving those to another time. He wondered whether they would return somewhere Kell had gone before, in order to avoid travel time, or perhaps hire someone else who traveled across vast distances. Perhaps James could make a couple portkeys. Either way, whether it was spur of the moment or something Rhy had thought about longer, it was easily done. If it cost much money, well, they were not lacking on that front. “That sounds delightful,” Alucard replied. He also would not have objected to waiting until Kell had moved out of the palace. There had been no discussed time frame on that. But it was just as good, healthy, to continue living without everything shaping around that event. It made it another part of life. “What did you have in mind?” -- Rhy smiled. “I’ve been wanting to go back to Mexico. I already have some ideas.” He was pleased that Alucard was already available, or at least could make himself available. That was the difficulty of planning a surprise that involved a multiple-day outing. Thankfully they had little here that would be a priority over spending time with each other. He stepped in a little closer, and pressed his free hand against Alucard’s cheek. “How about a long weekend? Leave Saturday, come back on Monday or Tuesday?” He paused to let Alucard think about it for a moment. “I’ll take care of the arrangements.” -- Mexico had been a wonderful trip in June, possibly even better than the trip to London. London had still been London, in a way. But it had felt off, not just for the dull color of the water and the buildings. It had been like home while clearly sharply not. Mexico, however, had no such associations, and the whole trip had filled Alucard with the joy of being and living openly as himself. Even without much time spent in travel, having three or four days with Rhy fully to himself was a luxurious thought, more so than whatever arrangements Rhy could plan. Here, naturally, they had more time for each other, more time together, than back in Arnes. But they still shared each other, having work and other people. Alucard was not jealous of the amount of time Rhy spent with Kell; it was a shame his brother was not worth attempting to have such a relationship with. But that was all. And yet, it meant something to take time, just the two of them. “I will make sure to work all the harder the next few days,” Alucard replied. And he could speak with Alice before he left. Undoubtedly Rhy could and would take care of the arrangements. Alucard suspected he would have to assert his interest in doing so or to surprise Rhy with a previously unannounced trip to have a chance of the responsibility. Alucard was quite good at arranging things, when he put his mind to it. But he was also at ease not having the control over choosing their lodging or looking up what sights were worth seeing. Alucard watched Rhy’s face, close as it was, curious about what the other man was doing. It was like Rhy not to be satisfied with a weekend, if that was what most other people took, but want a long weekend (Alucard had not been to one of Rhy’s birthday parades in some years, but his memories of them were plenty sharp). But Rhy was as likely to plot and to plan as to do something on a whim, and the latter was sometimes obscured by the former. Even if Rhy only had a few days, it would no doubt be enough. “If there is anything in particular I should bring, do let me know, love,” Alucard replied. “I even have have one of their modern swimming garments.” It was a light remark, but Alucard did hope that open water would figure into part of the trip. They were landlocked here in Tumbleweed. All the better to escape that on a vacation. |