WHO: Rhy & Kell Maresh WHAT: Kell tells Rhy that he's moving out. He has the wrong reasons and Rhy has abandonment issues. WHEN: Backdated to August 22nd WHERE: Maresh Palace WARNINGS: The aforementioned abandonment issues & feels.
Kell had been thinking about this for some time, and had come to the conclusion that he had reached the right idea. He had seriously considered telling Alucard and Rhy at the same time, because he felt it was a decision that was affecting both of them equally, but he was also concerned about catching his brother off guard, so he decided to talk to Rhy alone at first.
He found his brother and stood in the doorway for a moment, paused.
“Rhy,” he said. “Can I talk to you?”
…
“Of course,” Rhy answered. He put down the book he’d been reading and gestured for Kell to sit with him. Although he suspected this was a serious topic, possibly an unpleasant one, he was pleased that Kell was asking to talk to him. It was a refreshing change from having to ask his brother to talk, and getting nowhere.
So he sat up in his chair and focused on his brother, giving his full attention to whatever Kell needed to say.
--
Kell had little idea what sort of reaction to expect from Rhy on this, which was making him marginally nervous, but Kell was still certain he was making the right call.
He sat.
“I’ve been thinking about something,” Kell said. “And I want to start off by saying that I’m not doing this to protest Alucard or the decision you’ve made to marry him.” This was an instance when their connection did help, because Rhy would be able to feel that he was being genuine.
Kell paused.
“I think it would be good for me to move out,” Kell said. “So that you and Alucard have some room to make this place into your own instead of where we grew up.”
…
Rhy’s guard went up almost immediately when Kell started off by saying that he wasn’t doing ‘this’ because of Alucard. He wasn’t specifying what it was, but if it was something that he was worried Rhy would interpret that way, that meant it probably wasn’t something Rhy was going to like.
And it wasn’t. But he was more confused than hurt, because Kell’s reasoning didn’t make any sense. Kell wanting to leave the palace wasn’t really a surprise. Thinking that he should do that for Rhy’s sake -- or Rhy and Alucard’s sake -- made absolutely no sense.
“I don’t understand,” Rhy said, carefully. This was a difficult topic for multiple reasons; he had to tread lightly. “Have we done something to make you feel like there isn’t enough room for you here with us?”
--
“No, of course not,” Kell answered, and that was the truth. He knew that Rhy would never ask him to move out of the palace for Alucard’s sake -- Rhy had always been his biggest champion in trying to make sure that the palace felt like a home to me. If he was being entirely honest, he also doubted that Alucard would ever consider asking him to leave either.
“I know you will always welcome me here and consider this my home,” Kell said. “But I think this is a good way for me to give us both the space for things to grow and change for you and Alucard without me getting upset every step of the way.”
…
Rhy took that in silently, brow furrowed, and tried his damnedest to make sense of it. “So you’re saying,” he said finally, “That you want space from us. That it will make you less upset about....us being together?”
That was the best understanding he could get out of it. It was still strange that Kell seemed to be phrasing things as if he thought this was better for Rhy and Alucard, that he was doing it for their benefit instead of his own.
--
Kell didn’t think he was saying this well. He’d thought he’d had everything sorted out in his head, but the more Rhy prodded, the less sure Kell was what he was trying to say. Rhy’s words sounded like a summary of his own -- but the meaning somehow wasn’t the same.
“No, I -- I’m not trying to run away from you both,” Kell said. He paused. “Maybe I need room to grow that isn’t connected to Arnes. I’ve been depending too much on you.” He was embarrassed by the vulnerability, and knew Rhy would feel that. He also trusted that his brother would feel that he didn’t mean this as a bad thing.
Kell had always just been terribly shy when he was a child. That had evolved into the standoffishness that he was famous for, leaving him with no familial attachments outside of Rhy and few true friends outside of Rhy. Here, he had a chance to change some of that, and he had started to. No one cared that he was an Antari here.
…
That made much more sense, and Rhy was relieved that he at least understood, even if he still didn’t particularly like it. At least they were on familiar ground.
“I promised you your freedom to leave, Kell,” he said. “I won’t ever go back on that promise. I just didn’t want you to leave thinking that you were doing the right thing for me. It’s not. But if it’s the right thing for you, then I support you.”
He didn’t think he could have made it any more clear that he wanted Kell here. It had been one of his favorite things about this place, in fact, that Kell had seemed content to stay in the palace with them, because there was no crown to make him feel beholden to it, no one to treat him like a prince or an Antari. But Rhy supposed he should have expected that it wouldn’t last, even here. Kell was always going to want to leave.
--
The reminder, that he had his so-called freedom to leave if he wanted to, stung. It smacked of some sort of sacrifice on Rhy’s part that Kell didn’t entirely understand, as if he was giving something up. Rhy’s emotions spoke to the same effect.
He honestly did believe this was the best option for all three of them, but Rhy didn’t seem to be anywhere near that conclusion.
“Why are you upset then?” Kell asked. He didn’t know if upset was the right word -- disappointed? But he suspected that Rhy would still know what he was asking.
…
Rhy raised his eyebrows as if to say, you really need me to answer that question? But it was fairly clear that Kell did. Something about what Rhy had said had seemed to hurt him, and Rhy couldn’t for the life of him imagine why.
“Because,” he said simply, much more evenly than he felt, “I want you to stay. I’ll always want you here with me.”
He looked down at his hands. “But more than that, I want you to be happy, and I know you’ve always wanted to leave. Not me, but the palace, and the life you had here.” He shrugged, and spread his hands apart in a gesture of helplessness. “So I won’t ask you to stay, but I can’t pretend to be happy that you’re leaving. Especially not when you can feel how I feel.”
He let out a breath. “Do you know where you’re going to go?”
--
Rhy’s response stung, because Kell was abruptly taken back to their cruise ship fight when Rhy had been hurt by the notion of Kell leaving “again.”
This wasn’t like that, though, Kell thought. He hadn’t drawn a parallel between them. In the first, it was because he really did think he was doing this for Rhy. And in the second, Kell didn’t feel like he was merely running from something. He wanted to give them a chance at a new life.
“It’s not like that,” Kell said. “I’m not leaving to go to another world or to get away just to get away. We’re still going to be in the same town.”
But the truth was that Kell could feel how Rhy felt -- and it was familiar. He paused, surprised. Because this was how he had felt when Rhy had announced that he was going to ask Alucard to marry him. Kell took an extra moment to put the pieces together: Kell moving out meant that Rhy was afraid he was leaving him. Rhy marrying Alucard meant that … Kell was afraid Rhy was going to leave him.
It was a stinging realization, but as soon as Kell thought it, he knew it was true. And it made sense. Rhy, for better or worse, had always been the center of his world. Kell had barely spoken when he had been brought to Arnes, and it had only been slowly because Rhy had constantly pestered him, constantly wanted to show him things. He’d fought anyone who’d ever treated them different, insisted that Kell be addressed as his brother. Kell had always held the king and queen at a distance; Tieren had been more parent to him than either of them, but he had always been Kell’s Antari teacher most of all. Rhy had been his family, his best friend, his everything.
He had simply always wanted it to be that way, and it couldn’t be because as Rhy got older, he simply grew more charming and everyone always wanted to be friends with a charming, flirtatious prince. Kell could always claim inner circle, but then Alucard had come -- and Alucard, apparently, was staying. And once, where Kell had also been Rhy’s everything, he knew he wouldn’t be anymore. He would be Rhy’s brother.
Kell’s throat strained. It seemed selfish to make this about him again -- and this was why he struggled so much to start talking about his emotions. This shouldn’t have marginally been about him, but, of course, Rhy would feel the fluctuations in his own emotions, which had been relatively steady.
“How you feel right now is how I feel when I think about you getting married,” Kell said, low and embarrassed. He already knew Rhy was going to reassure him, and promise him that things wouldn’t change. And Rhy would always love him -- Kell knew that. But Kell also knew that things would always change in some way.
…
Rhy didn’t have an answer for that. It felt the same to him, if not even more personal. Kell still wanted space, he wanted to be less dependent on Rhy. Neither of those were bad things in and of themselves; he recognized them as valid needs and choices. He probably could stand to be less dependent on Kell, too. He just missed the closeness they’d once had.
He felt he had already said as much as he could, without pushing the boundary of what might make Kell feel like he was being guilted into staying. He had to let Kell go, whether he wanted to or not. The only thing he could do was try to maintain their closeness even at a distance.
“Alucard isn’t going to replace you, or take over whatever room you think you’re leaving for him,” he responded. “He can’t. I wouldn’t tolerate him even trying, but he knows better than that.” He made the same helpless gesture. “I love him, but you’re my brother and my closest friend. That’s a space in my heart and my life that no one else can fill. And there will always be a place for you here in the palace if you want it.”
He lifted one hand to rub at his temple. “Don’t be a stranger, okay? I still want to see you and talk to you.”
--
“I know,” Kell said in a breath. “I know. Logically, I know all of that. …It’s just now how I feel.” He didn’t know if that made sense. He didn’t know how to make himself believe what Rhy was saying and what he said he knew.
He didn’t want the conversation to end like this, like Rhy was giving up or disappointed in him.
“Rhy,” Kell said. But he didn’t know what else to say or do, so he leaned forward so that he could wrap his arms around his brother, just selfishly holding him for a moment. In a world full of people who had been interested in using him, Rhy, since he had been all of five years old, had been the only one who had been interested in protecting him because he loved him.
…
Rhy nodded, accepting that answer. He understood it. Probably the same thing could be applied to the way he felt, except that Kell kept not answering his questions, like asking where he was going or asking him not to be a stranger.
But the hug was reassuring, even if it also made his heart ache. He hugged Kell back tightly, although he tried not to grip him too tight, because he was still going to have to let go.
“Promise me,” he said, because he really needed the answer, “That you’ll visit and keep in touch.”
--
This was all happening fast and not at all the way that Kell had been expecting. He wasn’t trying to avoid Rhy’s questions -- he just was trying to get back to understanding why it was that Rhy was so upset with all of this. How this had escalated into something so serious, where it seemed like Kell was leaving Rhy for White London or the like.
“I’m not going far,” Kell said into Rhy’s shoulder. “Just with Breq.”
…
“Promise me,” Rhy repeated, with a little more emphasis. Because the distance didn’t really matter; Kell could come back to the palace at any time, much quicker than Rhy could get to him. And he would know immediately if Rhy truly needed him, although Rhy was actually probably in less danger (of dying, at least) with Kell farther away.
He just wanted to know he was going to see and hear from his brother -- regularly, if not necessarily often. And then he could let him go.
--
“I promise,” Kell said, because Rhy apparently needed to hear those exact words. It hurt his heart that this was hurting his brother so much. That wasn’t what he had wanted to do with this, and he was second-guessing himself now, wondering if this was really the best course of action. He didn’t know anymore.
“You’re my home, Rhy,” Kell told him. “Everything else is just a place.”
…
Rhy let out a breath. He was aware that this was probably what Kell was talking about; he was too dependent on his brother. He couldn’t seem to help it. He slowly released Kell from the hug and offered him a small smile.
“Thank you,” he said, knowing that he hadn’t reacted the way Kell had expected him to, that Kell probably thought the promise was unnecessary. Which, if he’d always been planning to visit and keep in touch, it might be. But Rhy couldn’t help worrying that when Kell went, he would find that he didn’t really want to come back, or that he might think he was bothering Rhy by visiting. And then he said, ”I appreciate the sentiment, truly, and there will always be a home and a place for you with me. But I also want to see or talk to my brother every once in awhile.”