matt holt (encrypting) wrote in thedisplaced, @ 2018-07-29 18:20:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log/thread, matt holt, takashi shirogane / shiro |
WHO: Shiro & Matt
WHAT: Shiro can't sleep, they talk, & plan a vacation
WHEN: Backdated like 1-2 weeks ago or something idk
WHERE: Holt House
WARNINGS: Dealing with traumatic death/clone experiences
When Matt had asked whether or not Kuron was gone, Shiro had been sure he was. He had felt him die. Of that, he was sure.
But as time went on, doubt started to creep in.
The question morphed in his mind and, abruptly, Shiro was doubting whether or not he was himself. He was fairly sure that he was. He had been inside the Black Lion, and he didn’t think that even Haggar could manipulate that. But in the middle of the night, it was hard to deal with those creeping thoughts -- that Kuron, too, had been so sure that he was Shiro. It was horrifying to think that was maybe true for him. What if he wasn’t who he thought he was? What if he was just a copy? What if he wasn’t real?
And what if he was a copy and everyone said that he was still real because he was here and he loved them and Alice, that he had moments for his very own. Was that any different from Kuron? Who had died without anybody really noticing?
The nights of heavy rest were receding, and the nights of restless insomnia were returning. Tonight was one of them. When he couldn’t bear chasing the circles of whether or not he was real, or whether or not Haggar might do something else with Kuron, he got up and went down to the kitchen. He made himself some tea and tried to focus on that instead of his thoughts.
…
Matt had not been sleeping as well since Shiro’s dramatic update, either, or the news that he had actually died. He was trying to work through how he felt about it, all the emotions that had been unsettled, and his dreams reflected that.
When he woke one night and couldn’t fall back asleep, he went downstairs and found Shiro there. He was not unaware of the irony that some of his emotional upheaval had begun with Shiro waking up in the night and Matt sleeping through it, and now here they were. But he was too concerned to be amused by it. He offered Shiro a small smile as he entered the kitchen. “Can’t sleep?”
--
Shiro shook his head when Matt came into the room. He was actually glad for the company -- so much so that he didn’t really consider how to ease into the topic that was on his mind.
“Do I seem … all right to you?” Shiro asked, because he didn’t know how to ask, exactly, if Matt would ever guess that he still might not be himself entirely. He didn’t want to worry any of the team, but he also knew that if there was even a chance that could happen, they needed to be on guard, especially around him.
…
The question did not precisely surprise Matt, but it did bring him up short. He had suspected there was something on Shiro’s mind, but had not expected it to come out quite so quickly. It was clearly bothering Shiro quite a lot, which was perfectly understandable, all things considered.
“I can tell you’ve been…” Matt considered his choice of words carefully. “Dealing with a lot, emotionally, which is normal.” He knew that wasn’t what Shiro meant, though. “Otherwise, as far as I can tell, yes.” He had been watching Shiro closely; he couldn’t really help it. “But I think the real question is, do you seem alright… to you?”
--
He knew it was a near impossible question because even if he was all him, he was recovering from a massive trauma. But Matt had seemed to understand what he meant all the same.
“I feel like myself,” Shiro answered blandly, looking down at his remaining hand. “But I worry that doesn't mean anything.” As he had assessed many times over, Kuron had thought he was Shiro. But from the beginning, he had had doubts. He had told Lance at one point he didn't feel like himself. And none of that was familiar to Shiro, but sometimes it felt like he was grasping at straws.
..
Matt paused, and then moved to sit at the table next to Shiro. “I think,” he said, “It’s probably also normal to wonder if you’re really yourself, after what you’ve been through. But that means it’s probably hard to know if there’s something really wrong.”
He very gently bumped Shiro’s shoulder, the one that was actually attached to an arm, with his own. And debated how much more to say. “Let’s think this through, okay? What’s the worst case scenario here?”
--
Shiro nodded and took a breath, holding back the impulse to say something sarcastic.
“My memories are also fake or there's something of Haggar’s still left in this body that I don't know about,” Shiro said. It felt weird to be naming these fears aloud when they had only been clouding his thoughts until now.
“Whatever it is could still be a threat to the team,” Shiro said. Would have to be a threat to the team because otherwise, what was the point?
“And it could still be triggered by something here even without Haggar, and the team isn't ready because they all think they're safe around me.” His voice cracked all the last part, losing the analytical stead that he had started off with. He couldn't take any more memories poke the ones he had of fighting Keith. And the other problem was that he knew they would never clean up the mess neatly and just kill him. Keith hadn't done it the first time even though that would have been the smarter decision.
…
“Shiro,” Matt breathed, without really intending to; he couldn’t help but be affected by that last part. He reached out, put his arm around his friend. “You’re not the only one worrying about you, and everyone is looking out for you. I’ve thought about all of those possibilities already, and I guarantee you Pidge has, too. Probably so has everyone else. And we’re all ready to help you handle it if, worst case scenario, Kuron or Haggar started influencing you.
“But,” he tacked on hastily, “I don’t think the chances of that are very high. Allura put your consciousness in this body… she remembers doing that. I think she would have noticed if there were anything wrong. You can ask her about that. And if you want her to do something to… check, or if you want me and Pidge to try to do something our way, we can do that. Just to put your mind at ease.”
--
Shiro leaned into Matt even though the angle was a bit off, because it felt grounding to be with another person. He wasn't off chasing hypotheticals if Matt was here to reason with him.
He knew everything that Matt said but it was important to hear it said out loud, especially by someone else. Allura had held his soul within her and they had exchanged some amount of … energy, if their swap in memories and emotion was anything to go by. It was unlikely then that he was entirely fabricated.
And, of course, Allura had pointed out that Pidge had already had the kill code prepped for his arm. She had been prepared, the way that Matt was promising now just in case. His team had done everything they had to, but Shiro so badly didn't want to put them through that again.
And he also knew that he had to find someone amount of peace in his own mind.
“I wish there was just some test we could run,” Shiro said, but he didn't know what that was.
…
“I think Allura might be your best bet,” Matt said. “If she knows what kind of... energy signature Haggar’s power has, then that’s something we could look for. If the castle doesn’t have that technology already, Pidge and I could come up with something. And if there is some connection there but it’s dormant and we don’t find it right away, we’d already have the tech made to check for it later.”
This was, possibly, not the best way to comfort Shiro. Matt could have tried to convince him that his fears were unfounded, based on simple logic, or just reassured him that it would be handled if something went wrong. The problem with that was that his fears weren’t entirely illogical, and the entire team had been fooled before. So Matt didn’t think either of those things would work.
He gave Shiro a gentle squeeze around the shoulders. “There are things we can do to help you. But you’ll still need to find a way to deal with the emotional stuff you’re going through. And I don’t know exactly what you need, but I’ll help you any way I can.”
--
Shiro knew Matt was right. It wasn't a perfect plan but it was the best they had. Figuring out the details would have to come with morning, though, because Shiro was too tired to think through everything this would take.
“I don't know,” Shiro admitted. “I have no idea on where to begin on processing all of this.”
…
“You could try talking to a professional,” Matt said. “Although I don’t know if even the therapists in our group are familiar with situations like this one.” He thought about it. “Maybe you just need some time off. Concentrate on figuring out how to take care of yourself for a little while. Take a vacation.”
He paused. “I know it might seem easier to throw yourself into something and not think about this, but… when you do that, things often come back to bite you.” It had just happened to him, when Shiro had gotten his memory update. He smiled wryly. “I’m trying to take my own advice on that, too.”
--
Shiro knew Matt was right. He balked a little at talking to someone outside of their group for the reason that Matt mentioned. His story sounded ridiculous and he’d convinced himself that there were few people who would be able to wrap their heads around this. That might be true. But maybe he just needed to start somewhere.
“Isn’t that the whole point of being here?” Shiro asked, somewhat seriously. “Tumbleweed is something of a vacation from our lives.”
…
“Kind of, yeah,” Matt said, with a slight shrug. “But not as much when life catches up to us. I meant a proper vacation. Camping in the woods, or laying on a beach. Whatever your idea of the best kind of vacation is.”
He smiled slightly. “It might not help much long-term, but it might make you feel a little better. You’ve certainly earned it.”
--
Shiro had to admit that the idea sounded appealing. He knew there was no promise that everything wouldn't be derailed, but getting away would likely shed some of the worries associated with being here.
“A beach does sound nice,” Shiro admitted.
…
Matt’s smile grew, just a little bit. “See? Exactly. Even if you still end up thinking about all this there… at least you’ll be laying on a beach while you do it. Maybe that would be good, getting to kind of step back and look at things differently. Then maybe you can figure out what you need to keep moving forward.”
He lifted a hand and patted Shiro’s shoulder. “Let’s get you to a good beach. Hawaii? Mexico? Greece?”
--
It was the kind of amusing optimism that he had come to associate with Matt, and it proved a welcome distraction. Shiro grinned at him.
“Hawaii,” he answered, because he figured if they were imagining things, he could play along.
…
“Let’s book you a ticket, then,” Matt said, grinning back at him. “And another one for… Alice, maybe? My treat.”
He hoped that was a good thing to offer; so far as he could tell, Shiro and Alice had been doing well since they’d gotten back together. He figured he would have noticed, or Shiro would have told him, if anything else major had happened between them, like a fight or a break-up. But if it was somehow still a tender spot, then he supposed he was about to find out.
--
“Dude,” Shiro said, too amused to quell the colloquial term. “If you’re buying a ticket to Hawaii, you’re coming with me. You’re not buying one for my girlfriend.” Much as he liked spending time with Alice, he also did like the idea of being able to spend some time with Matt.
…
Matt grinned. “Dude,” he responded, just because it amused him, “Are you going to get one for her, then?” He really didn’t mind the idea of going to Hawaii with Shiro. But the point was for Shiro to have a really nice break. If he wanted Matt along, he would go, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t also have his girlfriend there too.
--
“Dude,” Shiro replied, more empathetically, grinning back at Matt. It felt more like a stupid joke they might have shared back at the Garrison.
“Why don’t you and I just go?” Shiro asked, wondering if he was maybe overstepping his bounds.
…
“Yeah?” Matt asked. “I mean, of course, if that’s what you want. I’d love to go with you.” He was a little surprised by it, but pleased. It was possible Shiro was just being nice, because he was Shiro, and because it had been Matt’s idea and Matt had offered to pay, but it was also possible that maybe that was the kind of vacation Shiro actually wanted. He wasn’t going to argue with it if that was the case.
--
“That’s what I want,” Shiro reassured him warmly. Alice was his girlfriend, and he cared about her, and he was happy that they were back together, but she knew well enough that his team was his family. She doubted that she would be upset in the slightest if he announced that he was going on vacation with Matt to Hawaii.
…
“Alright then,” Matt said, reassured. It really did seem like Shiro wanted to go with him, and wasn’t just being nice. “When do you want to go?”
--
“Next month?” Shiro asked, trying to sort out when might actually be feasible. He didn’t actually know. “Maybe mid-August?”
…
Matt didn’t actually know, either -- it was a spur of the moment offer, he hadn’t done any research on the cost of such a trip so last-minute. But probably he didn’t actually have to pay the price of an airline ticket, even though he’d used that figure of speech, not when there were flying suits and people who could make portals available to him for much cheaper. That only left lodgings, really. And even if they ended up camped out somewhere in a tent if literally everything else was booked, they could find a way to have fun anyway.
“Mid-August it is,” he said. “I don’t think any of our people have birthdays around then, so I don’t think we’ll be missed. Though there is the possibility that we’ll be pulled off to another world and have to do it when we come back.”
--
Shiro grinned, although it wasn’t truly distressed.
“Well,” he said, “we’ve definitely jinxed ourselves to be moved before we ever make it to Hawaii then.”
…
“You’re right,” Matt agreed, also grinning. “We should just give up now.” But he was already pulling out his tablet to look at lodgings. “What are we thinking? Luxury resort? Cabin? Campground?”
--
“A cabin would be nice,” Shiro answered thoughtfully. He had liked the resort aspects of being on the cruise but he also thought something with a little more space would be better. Without Lance, he suspected the full resort experience would be lost on him and Matt.
…
“You got it,” Matt answered. “One Hawaii cabin coming right up.” But he looked at Shiro before he’d actually really started looking for cabins, still holding his tablet in his hands. “Right now, though, maybe we should go back to bed? Do you think you can sleep?” He said we, but he really meant, you.
--
“I think so,” Shiro said. He felt much calmer now than he had when he had come out of his room. Even if he didn’t go back to sleep, he didn’t think he was likely to spiral back into panic and fear.
“Thank you, Matt,” he added.