WHO: Alice Quinn & Takashi 'Shiro' Shirogane WHEN: July 2, morning, after this WHERE: The Holt Residence WHAT: Shiro and Alice discuss being in different bodies, Alice shares secrets WARNINGS: References to nudity and sex STATUS: Complete.
Things had felt close to normal last night. Everything had a sheen of healing to it that hadn’t been there before, but that was all right. They’d had dinner. And then -- well, then they’d spent the majority of the night being close with one another again.
Which was hard in a way that Shiro remembered from when they had first started becoming more than friends. He was uncertain about so much of his body again, because this was and wasn’t his body, and because he found his missing arm uncomfortable to look at and had to consider how to navigate it.
He woke up Monday morning finally starting to feel like all this sleep he had been getting was doing something. He remained sprawled in his bed, quietly watching Alice. He knew that she wasn’t entirely asleep either, so he rubbed his thumb across where his hand was resting on her belly.
“You’re so beautiful,” he told her, his voice a bit rough with sleep, but no less genuine.
…
It had felt like ages since Alice had allowed herself a proper night's sleep. Most nights, as of late, were spent with her tablet close by and alerts turned on for any new arrival. Paranoia would beat her out and she would bring the screen out of hibernation just to check and see if there was any new individuals posting to the network, out of concern that perhaps an alert hadn't gone off, and she'd missed an arrival. And all the while doing this, she would be pouring over notes and textbooks. When she did allow herself to sleep, it didn't come to her effortlessly, as her mind would turn over memories again and again to see if there was something she missed. Any clue that could help in the inevitable if situation of back home.
And yet, last night, after hours spent in his embrace, she'd fallen asleep quickly. Her form had curled close to him and she rested her head in such a way that she could feel his chest rising up and down the entire night. A comforting reminder that he was there and present and alive.
She'd slept longer than she might have liked to on other days. Other days, she would be off to the Bureau by now, with a sugar ladened triple espresso shot coffee in hand. Her concerns weren't gone but she was letting herself have this small comfort of his company in the early morning light. She didn't recall when she woke and she'd not moved just yet, though her hand was brushing against his skin, fingers tracing outlines where she'd known scars and marks to be. When she heard his voice, she gave a soft smile. Compliments were things she nearly always had difficulty accepting, even from Shiro, a side effect of Stephanie's very vocal parenting and Alice's own self view. But the smile was still there and she turned just enough to press a kiss to his chest.
…
Shiro’s smile widened at the soft feel of her lips against his chest. He idly moved his fingers across the expanse of her skin, enjoying the comfort that came from just being near her. That was something he greatly enjoyed about them having been together for awhile now -- there were moments when they could just still be around each other.
“What would I have to do to bribe you to stay here with me all day?” Shiro murmured.
...
"You could start with pancakes," she replied with an equally sleepy tone, before shifting some so that she could slide up in his arms. She slung one of her arms over across his form, resting her palm against the mattress, and lifted herself enough so she could lean down and catch his lips for a kiss, as her hair hung down to curtain their faces.
A moment later, after she broke the kiss, she leaned her forehead against his. "I don't want to give Max a reason to send out a search party," she said, with a bit of jest, but some seriousness. She hadn't exactly told anyone where she was going and she'd been too focused on him to think to send a courtesy message. "I can stay late though. Half a day?"
…
“Agreed,” Shiro said without complaint, although he certainly didn’t make any indication that he was getting up anytime soon. Especially not when she slid over him. He rested his hand against her lower back.
“I can hide you from the search party,” Shiro answered impishly, but he also didn’t want to give anyone any reason to worry about where she was. And he knew they could also only stay too long in bed. Sooner or later, someone was going to need one of them for something.
“I’ll take half a day,” he said, kissing her lightly again.
…
"She'd find me no matter what you do," she reminded him with a hint of amusement. She didn't know the full extent of her abilities but she knew that she was superpowered to some extent. She was fairly certain that she could sense things without effort. She would be able to find her by scent.
She returned the kiss before she shifted, practically laying against him now, as her head rested against his chest. She pressed her hand against his shoulder.
For a few minutes, she kept the silence, before her eyes turned up to look at him. "I can tell," she whispered. "The difference." She wasn't saying that as a way to bring attention to his new body or make him uncomfortable. It was a statement spoken to emphasize that she had been paying attention this past year. She knew him.
…
She was likely the only person who actually could. He was normally a little shy about the mess that his body had become, and he didn't really care for letting people see.
But she had.
The scars and marks were close, just like everything had been, but there were some that were a little off or that were missing, especially those that he had earned in the arena rather than on the druids’ table. A pockmark missing from the back of his left calf. A sliver scar in his hairline on the back of his head.
But: “I'm not even sure if I know all the differences,” Shiro admitted quietly.
…
The admission didn't surprise her and for a moment she just fixated on watching him. "I don't know if they'll all become apparent," she offered, thinking back to her early days in the body she now inhabited. She'd not had time for self examination when she was locked away at Brakebills South. She wouldn't have cared in those initial days. And when she'd first arrived in Tumbleweed, they were all holed up in a cave with no mirrors or running water or privacy. It wasn't until weeks later, when she wasn't even thinking about it, she'd caught sight of her knee while in the shower and noticed a scar missing. Later, she would notice other blemishes or scars that hadn't been recreated.
Taking in a breath, she shifted to sit up on the other side of him. She turned her body in such a way that her back was now facing him and she brought her hands back to collect the strands of her hair, pulling it up in a messy handful of which she held in place, while her free hand came around and underneath of her extended arm to press fingers against her back shoulder.
"You wouldn't have known it was missing but there was a mole here," she told him, her head tilted so she could look at him over her shoulder.
…
Shiro pressed his fingertips to the bit of smooth skin. He hadn't know that of course. He could only wonder over the fact that they shared this experience, which was still so strange to Shiro that he couldn't put words to what he was feeling, only that he was feeling a lot.
“Is it weird to miss things like that?” Shiro murmured.
…
She drew in a breath when he pressed his fingers to her shoulder, her eyes focused on him as he did. She knew of other spots. She didn't know if it would help to point them all out. Just bringing attention to one was enough to show that she had been here before and that she had managed to get through, just like she believed he would.
"It was later. I didn't notice in the beginning." She hesitated before adding. "I wanted to be rid of this body entirely in the beginning," she admitted. She rarely spoke of that. All of her conversations about her desire to be a niffin had largely been relegated to Charles Xavier or arguments with Quentin. But that desire had largely faded. And now she was conflicted about her strive for knowledge and power against knowing her own shortcomings.
…
He hadn't thought of that. Remembering later. He doubted that would happen in his case, although he supposed it was possible. His head was just so scrambled between his time with the Galra and his time being dead.
“It feels like the body should feel the same … but it doesn't,” Shiro admitted. He knew they were probably different here. Shiro was fiercely relieved to be alive again and so he felt guilty about complaining in any regard about how that had happened, but the fact remained was that this had only been an imitation of his body. This wasn't the one he had lived every other part of his life through.
…
"No, I imagine it doesn't," she agreed, as she shifted some to bring the sheet up around her chest and turn to sit facing him. She brought her knees against her chest and wrapped an arm around them, while her hand moved to reach for his. "No matter how close a copy is, you can tell it is a copy, if you were intimate enough with the original."
She paused before adding, "But you learn to live with it."
…
He laced his fingers with her, still relieved at the simplest of touches. He rubbed his thumb gently over the inside of her palm.
“I know that's true,” Shiro answered. He just wasn't sure if he felt like it was possible just yet. But really, he didn't have a choice and even in the few days since everything had changed, he knew he had started to adjust.
“Is that why you can tell this is a copy?” Shiro asked cheekily, unable to help himself.
...
"Mmm," she murmured at his reply, giving him a soft smile. He had no choice in the matter but at least it would get easier. She was a testament to that in her own way.
Then her cheeks flushed. "I am rather fond of everything about you," she told him with an easy sense of honesty. It felt like such a relief to be able to say this without holding herself back any longer. "I've counted four differences but I would need a few more thorough inspections to say I've found them all." And with that, she gave a cheeky grin, before leaning forward enough to kiss him.
…
“As it so happens, I am rather fond of everything about you,” Shiro returned. She had been so helpful in settling him back in his skin the first time, and he was doubly glad that she was by his side again.
It wasn't easy for him to put himself on display and if he'd had to do it entirely anew now, he didn't think he could. But he had already shared that vulnerability with Alice. He knew that she wasn't going to balk even if it was an adjustment for both of them, especially with the arm.
“You better give me a thorough report,” Shiro answered, tracing her cheek and letting his thumb linger over her lower lip before they kissed.
…
"I'd have never guessed," she teased, though warmly and with a smile that had been so absent from her these past few weeks. Things weren't necessarily fixed but it didn't feel like the world was caving in quite so much anymore.
"We'll need to schedule further study sessions." Once they had kissed, she brought her hand up to take hold of his, lacing her fingers with his. And when she finally did break the kiss, she pressed her forehead to his.
"Were you ready for me to tell you things?" She asked, quietly, after a spell of just enjoying the stillness.
…
“I like this plan,” Shiro agreed lightly. He knew that this was a lot of, in part, he was trying to hold onto during his time with her. He knew that the real world had to come back in sooner or later, and that meant dealing more with what had happened to him and the repercussions that had on the team.
Or, perhaps, what she was going through.
“Of course,” Shiro said quietly. He hadn’t expected her to be ready this quickly, but if she was ready to talk, he was more than willing to listen.
...
The thing of it was that she was almost afraid she would back out. That she would decide that she'd told him enough to explain her behavior. But that wasn't what she actually wanted to do. She wanted to have it all out on the line now and to have transparency. She didn't want to let her shame hold her back from being honest with him.
She held onto his hand as she began. Some of this she was certain she'd told him over the past few months but she didn't know how much he could recall with ease. It wasn't his world, after all.
"I made a decision on behalf of everyone and it wasn't mine to make," she began. Even though she was firmin her belief that magic only made things harder for everyone, it hadn't been her place to make that decision. "I tried to stop them from bringing magic back."
Alice, the woman who had spent the better half of a year trying to regain magic in Tumbleweed, had done this.
…
Shiro was pulled back into one of Kuron’s memories as Alice spoke, one of him yelling at Lance and saying that it wasn’t a vote -- that he was the leader and it was his decision. His insides itched with shame, because he knew the difficulty of just wanting to plow forward when you were sure about something but had a team to contend with.
But Shiro wasn’t as concerned with that as the second part for the time being.
“Why?” Shiro asked, because he knew that wasn’t a decision that Alice would make lightly, maybe especially because she didn’t think it was her decision to make.
…
"It's only really ever made everything worse," she said, quietly. She knew the others didn't agree with this viewpoint but from where she was standing, it was the only thing she could see. They'd lost so many lives because of people trying to use magic for their own selfish reasons. "People are inherently selfish and awful to one another. It didn't matter the cost, we were doing whatever we could to get it back." She sighed.
"And that means me too," she added quietly as she glanced down at the sheet. "I tried to get back to being a niffin at first but then we lost the magic. And when I was a niffin, time moved differently, and I did so many horrible things. I made more enemies than I can even recall. That's why my Dad died. I hurt a lamprey and he wanted to hurt me."
She drew in a breath. "Nearly became a vampire, tried to take Julia's power. It nearly killed me," she was saying this all rather quietly now and she picked at the fabric of the sheet. "I entered into a contract with the Library. I'll be with them probably the entirety of my after life, whenever that comes." She lifted her gaze to look at Shiro now. "But I didn't decide to try and stop it just because of my temptation. I was going to walk away entirely."
She hesitated now before adding, "My friends all have had their memories taken from them but I was the one who wanted it. I didn't want the temptation to change my mind or ---" She trailed off.
Or to remember how she'd betrayed them. "They weren't supposed to lose themselves." She added, quietly. She swallowed and just looked at him now, wondering what he would say to it all. She felt like she'd just taken a brick and smashed the person he might have thought she was.
…
Shiro was quiet as she spoke, trying to keep up with what she was saying. She was talking quickly, and he, of course, hadn’t lived in her world, so there were holes in his knowledge of what he knew.
“That’s so much,” he said quietly, wishing that he had another hand to stroke across her back or through her hair. It was going to take some time getting used to having the one. In its stead, he had to make sure he held her gaze unflinchingly. “And I’m sure it was so hard carrying it by yourself.
“But you didn’t do it with the intention of hurting anyone, Alice, and I know you’re going to try and fix it when you did.” He knew that few people woke up with the intention of actively hurting anyone or conquering the universe. Those paths were walked one step at a time, but Alice obviously regretted everything that had happened.
...
She gave a nod in response to the statement. It was so much and there were pieces that weren't hers to explain but she had done her best to do so when she'd spoken to the others. Only, there were omissions, because she wasn't so selfless to be able to actively tell them a fact she knew would likely make them turn their backs upon her. If they'd have asked, she didn't intend to lie, and she didn't know how much longer she could keep the truth of her actions in Castle Blackspire to herself. Eventually the guilt was going to catch up. It already was so close to doing so.
"That's what I've been doing. It's why I started working at the Bureau. It's why I spend so much time there. I'm trying to make sure nothing comes through that'll be able to hurt us, because I know it'll try if it ever does." She sighed again. "The others aren't going to see it that way," she added, quietly.
She was preparing herself for that shoe to drop.
…
Shiro leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Alice’s shoulder.
“I believe you're doing what you need to to make things right,” Shiro murmured. “And hopefully the others will see it too.”
He knew how hard that had to be, to have memories of doing this awful thing when you were, essentially, another person here. But you still had to be responsible for those actions while knowing you might not be forgiven for them.
Even by yourself in Alice's case.
…
She shifted, her arm letting go of her knee and brought both her hands up to thread through his hair when he kissed her shoulder. She held him there for a moment before bowing her head forward to press her forehead against his hair. "Hopefully," she agreed.
"Now you know," she said, quietly. "All my secrets." Or was it? A flash bulb went off in her memory. "Well…"
She brought in a breath and let one of her hands slip from out of his hair to come up to rest against his cheek. "There is this other thing."
…
Shiro stayed there, still and without complaint. He knew this had been hard on her but there was a certain kind of quiet relief that came with both of them divulging everything.
He looked up when she kept speaking.
“What is it?” he asked.
…
"If I tell you this, you can't share. It isn't just my secret," she said to him. There hadn't been any demand that it be withheld from others. She knew just by the nature of it that it wasn't meant to be spread. And she had been intent on not telling him and that intent had been before her memory upgrades.
"Deal?"
…
“Deal,” Shiro answered without hesitation. He knew that all of what she was sharing was sensitive information and while he didn't intend to keep secrets from the team, it was unlikely that any other of them would need to know the personal details of her life.
…
She found that even as he said 'deal,' it was difficult to actually put it into words. Mostly because she didn't think he would agree. And she had refused to tell Max because she didn't want her having to ever be in a position where she would be asked questions and have to choose to lie or not.
"Mm," she made as a sound instead.
…
“Mm?” Shiro echoed with a raised eyebrow. As always, he would back off if she wanted but he also didn't understand what this could be about.
…
"Mm," she repeated, as her hand slipped down from his cheek. "Maybe another time," she then added. He hadn't asked and she had been the one about to offer it up, but she did not think he would be too upset that she was retracting.
…
He paused for a moment. This didn't seem to be something on the same scale as everything else but neither did he want it to come back to haunt.
“It's not something that's hurting you, is it?” …
"No," she said without any hesitation. "It is just something I should have shared with you before but the memories showed up and it became the last thought on my mind."
…
She seemed sure enough that it put some of Shiro's worry to rest. Even though he knew he was going to be wondering over this for awhile.
“All right,” Shiro agreed. “When you're ready.”
…
She gave him a small smile and leaned in to press a quick kiss once again, before saying, "Thank you."
Then, with a flash of an old familiar grin, she added, "We still have half a day."