who: Eliot & Fen Waugh when: July 9th, early morning where: Fen's Room at the Cottage What: Pillow Talk. warnings: Implied nudity but otherwise super tame. status: Complete.
While Eliot had been firm in his answer between the three of them, that he wanted to commit himself to both his lover and his wife, that firmness hadn't granted him ease in actually making that happen once all was said and done. There was a fresh sense of anxiety that had not been a part of Eliot when it came to sex in a very long time, not since he'd first tumbled into his marriage with Fen. But this anxiety wasn't actually about sleeping with Fen at all. It was an anxiety that came from over analyzing and worry. There was a very real concern inside of him that perhaps Kylo wasn't actually comfortable with any of this and that perhaps he was just saying he was out of love for Eliot. After all, Eliot knew that Kylo had wanted to be enough for Eliot. And Eliot had wanted that too. But that was all before Fen had arrived and before Eliot had gained memories. He didn't want Fen to be miserable or neglected. There was more of a desire for her than there'd ever been in the beginning of their marriage but it was held back by so many factors. All of those factors were pushed away now sans the anxiety. There had been a very real part of Eliot that was concerned about whether this would cause a shift in his relationship with his lover. But it wasn't something he was willing to step away from or deny Fen. It was all a bit complicated in his head and he was more than a bit frustrated by it when he allowed himself to think about it too much.
With the anxiety present, he almost yearned for a time when sex didn't come with the added stigma of feelings and whether or not someone would be hurt. Only, he knew that wasn't what he really wanted, because there wasn't any desire from him to go out and bed any that he found the least bit attractive. He was nostalgic but he wasn't willing to go back to that point in time. He had far too much he cared about these days.
Still, he overcame that anxiety. Kylo wasn't going to leave. It was a fact of Eliot's life here and if he allowed himself to believe it a possibility, everything would feel as if it would come crashing down, and he had no real evidence to believe that this was the case. And he was no longer faltering on the subject of Fen. He'd spent his whole evening with her. There'd been dinner, there'd been wine and more of it than he'd been consuming as of late, and then there'd been a grasp of her hand as he lead her to what had been designated as her bedroom. Soon enough, the anxiety was gone, and his focus had been on her.
And, as strange as it was when he'd known he'd been so anxious, it was the first time Eliot could remember ever actually enjoying sleeping with his wife. There was no weight of the world upon his shoulders as he held her against him nor was there any feelings of frustration unfairly toward her as there once had been. All he could hope was that the same could be said for her. He knew she'd felt neglected and willing to go without. He'd spoken that he was not willing for that to be the case and he hoped he'd done all that he could to show it that night.
Now, with the morning sun creeping in and sleep being pulled away from him, he turned in the bed to face her. A hand reached out to brush her hair from her face. "Hey," he said as he did so, giving her a small and uncertain smile. Regardless of the anxiety being pushed away, there was still uncertain waters to navigate now. They were building their new normal.
Fen waited.
It had been a few weeks since they’d spoken and part of her wondered. It felt wrong to push, to even really mention it. So she waited. The first week hadn’t exactly been a surprise. Fen had eyes, she felt her husband’s worry. She gave him encouraging smiles and understanding looks. Perhaps because she hadn’t really expected things to change. Just the fact that Eliot and Ren weren’t against the idea was, in itself, enough.
Towards the end of the second week she’d forgotten and put it behind her.
It made the night before that much more memorable.
When her eyes fluttered open the next morning, her smile lit up her face. “I missed you.” Her hand reached up to clasp his and give it a squeeze, while her eyes tried to memorize every detail they picked up on in the morning light, so she could cherish it until the next opportunity. She did not know when that would be, precisely.
He'd known that she missed him, at least eventually he knew as opposed to assuming. And he knew just how she was using the word in the sentence. He had been easily accessible to her since her arrival but that wasn't the meaning that was inferred. He returned the squeeze of affection to her hand before shifting enough to lay with his body facing hers.
"I noticed," he said, with a knowing expression as his mind flashed back to the evening before. He could have offered apologies for all of the miscommunication and the anxiety, but what good did it do? And he'd already done so to a degree when they'd had their conversation. It was better to move forward.
There was a strange mixture of happiness and guilt. Her expression contorted slightly as she held both feelings close to her. Perhaps it was selfishness that she wanted to keep Eliot close to her, for as long as the morning would allow.
“What do we do next?” she asked. The smile faded. She was thinking about Ren. Her fingers reached forward and she carefully combed through Eliot’s curly mop of hair, until it looked a little more like it’s regular self. As much as it could after a night together and sleep.
He took note, regardless of how small the shift was, and he nearly raised an eyebrow. He held that response back but there was an equal shift on his face. The smile faltered as he thought over his wording. Had it been taken wrongly?
And then there was the question and the smile faded and his heart sank a little. There was a bit of a sigh but he was leaning into her touch. He always savored having others play with his hair and it wasn't something he tried to pull away from. "Breakfast is usually encouraged," he quipped but he didn't offer up the same easy smile that had been there moments before. "Do we need to have that figured out?" He asked after a moment of pause.
“Eliot,” Fen started. The tone suggested it was not going to be the happy or romantic morning after conversation either of them wanted. But there had been something Fen had hidden from Eliot. Her instinct, when something made her uncomfortable or unhappy, was to pretend it didn’t exist. It was only a matter of guilt before she eventually relented.
“If we walk outside this door to get breakfast, and I see Ren and he looks--” Sad? Broken hearted? “--I don’t know if I’ll be able to do this. I care about you. I care about both of you. And I wanted this so badly, but Ren is my friend. And…”
She frowned. Fen didn’t want to tell Eliot that he’d offered her a divorce.
The tone made him shift to sit up. While he'd not been certain how they were going to navigate this morning, he hadn't immediately thought that there was going to be a potentially uncomfortable discussion this soon. He shifted to rest his back against the wall and rest an arm against his knee as he watched her.
"And if that's what we go out there to? What do we do then?"
He anticipated that there was going to be some emotions from his lover but he had worked over his anxiety on this subject. Kylo might feel some sense of sadness about this but it was an adjustment period for all of them. He didn't think it would be a continuous thing.
Fen believed that Eliot loved her. She wanted with all of her heart to believe that he loved her. But if he had to choose between one of them-- “Eliot, you offered me a divorce.”
She was slower to sit up, pulling the sheets up with her like the front of a strapless dress. “I wasn’t expecting this when I came back. I wasn’t expecting you to welcome me back. And I didn’t want to tell you, and I’m sorry I should have told you before, but I want this just not at the expense of anything else.”
It was easier with Idri, when Eliot was king. For one, they weren’t technically married yet, for two, Idri and Fen had no strong feelings for one another besides acceptance. And Idri, most of the time, lived a kingdom away attending to his own affairs.
“I want this, but I want it to work,” Fen admitted. “What if it can’t?”
He cast his gaze upwards to the ceiling as that cycled through his mind. Clearly, she hadn't taken his offer. Why would she still be here if that had been something she'd wanted? Why would they have even gone through the attempt at coming to an understanding between the three of them if she'd accepted his offer?
To him, it just felt an admission of something that didn't entirely surprise him. He slid his fingers through his hair and let his gaze fall back to her. "I offered you one. That doesn't sound like I wanted it," he said, watching her now. "Unless I'm misunderstanding?" He hadn't lived those moments but he knew he didn't want one during his last recollection. It hadn't been something he'd considered. And it wasn't something he actually wanted here. Not since his memories had come, at least.
"He has the exact same worries as you, Fen. No one wants to see the other get hurt," he whispered, wondering if it would be better to reach out to her or not. He settled on doing so and picked her hand up in his again. "We want it to work, too. As long as you do."
He thought about that question for a moment before bringing in a breath. "That is always a possibility but it was also a possibility when it was just you and me just like it was when it just him and me, too. It's always there. We deal with that if it ever comes to it."
Fen took his hand, scooted in closer and leaned into him. The words helped. The sentiment helped. The reassurance that they all still wanted this helped. Resting her head against him helped. Fen roped her arms around his waisted, and tied them together loosely at her fingers.
“This would be a lot easier if I didn’t like Ren,” she said with a soft smile. Fen gave her husband a very light squeeze around his middle.
Her shifting to lean against him made some of the discomfort that had rose in those previous moments begin to be pushed away. His arm shifted to wrap around her shoulders in response and leaned in to press a kiss to the top of her head.
Then he scoffed, though not with malice. More amusement than anything else. "No, no it wouldn't," he disagreed, though he was smiling. He remembered without any joy the way Margo and Kylo had been in those initial months of Margo's return. He didn't want to be in another situation where two people he loved so dearly didn't care for one another. He tilted his head to the side. "You do though, yeah? Actually like him?" He thought this was the case. He didn't think Fen was just putting up with him because she had no choice.
“Yes, I do,” Fen said. She exhaled slowly, not quite in relief or worry. Some mixture in between that couldn’t decide what it was. “I didn’t dislike Idri. He was polite. But Ren…”
Her mind wandered slightly though she did not finish that thought, instead going with another, “I think you chose very well.”
"Idri," Eliot said though he stopped after the name. His feelings in regard to his former fiancee were a bit conflicted. He had his life here when he found out about their engagement coming to an end, but there was still a dull ache of knowing that the King wouldn't stick the alliance out without Eliot still having rule of Fillory. "Let's go with polite." It was easier than going over how the other ruler had given Eliot a soundboard and a confidant when he felt like he couldn't speak to Fen.
"But Ren?" He repeated, raising an eyebrow. It felt weird to him to call his lover by his chosen last name. He knew others did but Kylo was never Ren to him. He then smiled warmly, "You know, I resisted him for a long time," he told her, hand moving up and down against her upper arm. "Really glad I stopped that."
“Why?” Fen asked. Her brows knit together. “He’s not unattractive,” she observed offhandedly.
He glanced down at her and tried to read her face with that comment. "I took notice immediately," he said, nonchalantly. But he brought in a breath. "He was coming off a period with someone from back home so I didn't try. And then it was because he was my friend for so long that I didn't think it was something he was interested in."
Fen did her best to maintain a fully innocent expression. “In this case, I’m glad you were wrong,” she said, nestling in Fen wasn’t sure if she wanted to move from the bed or not. Her unclasped her hands around him and let her fingertips idly graze along his side.
He gave a slight huff of a laugh and shifted to lean his head partially against hers. "Me, too," he said, with a fondness that was very apparent. He allowed for the silence to settle in, though partially through it, he moved his arm away from her shoulders, letting it drop down to wrap around behind her, finger tips resting against her hip as he kept her close. "I missed you, too," he said after a spell.
“Liar,” she said, grinning. Fen craned her neck upward to give him a good morning kiss, happy.