WHO: Keith and Takashi Shirogane WHEN: June 30th, afternoon, after the Team Voltron meeting WHERE: Holt House WHAT: Shiro and Keith have a little aside to talk about the more personal memories that Shiro got. WARNINGS: spoilers for Voltron season 6 (and season 3-season 5 really), talk of death and just a lot of feels.
______________
He hadn’t expected any of this to be easy, and it wasn’t.
But Shiro had learned a very important lesson during his time trapped in the Black Lion, watching as Kuron deceived his team: and that was that Shiro needed to be honest with himself and with the paladins about what he was feeling and going through. Things had only gotten as bad as they had because the team trusted him to know his limits. And he so clearly didn’t, and Kuron had hidden that every time.
And Shiro himself knew full well what his team was able to withstand. He had never doubted their capacity for greatness, but it was really beyond anything what they had done against Haggar, Lotor, and Kuron.
Shiro was so proud of all of them. And grateful to them.
But he didn’t have the words to express everything he felt for and about Keith right now. He’d been sure of Keith’s abilities since he had seen the surly boy in the classroom all those years ago. Shiro had never faltered in the notion that Keith just needed someone to believe in him and give him the right chance.
But Keith had gone beyond even what Shiro had thought of him. He had survived so much -- he shouldn’t have had to go through so much. Shiro knew that he would live with the pain of what Kuron had done and said to Keith for the rest of his own life, and the way that Keith had been so stalwart through it all. Keith had never given up on him. He had piloted the Black Lion beautifully. He had led the team fearlessly.
“Hey,” Shiro said quietly as he approached Keith, laying a hand on his shoulder.
…
Even though Keith couldn’t know what information would come out of this meeting, he had at least thought he was somewhat prepared to handle whatever they learned. Something bad likely if it had lost Shiro his arm and turned the rest of his hair white. He’d been mentally prepping for something bad.
He hadn’t been prepared enough.
What had happened to Shiro, the Shiro that he’d found and what he’d do, it was a lot to take in. A lot to take in and this was just the story version. He couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to have it suddenly crammed into his head. The fact that Shiro was actually sharing everything so few days out was pretty amazing. Even if Keith had a feeling it wasn’t the full story considering the request for a one on one.
“Hey,” he replied, just as quiet. His brow furrowed in concern as he looked over Shiro, searching for the tells of how he was doing considering the toll that story had to take. His eyes couldn’t help lingering though on the missing arm, the clean edge far too familiar after learning the cause. “How are you holding up?”
…
Shiro paused at the question, trying to make an accurate assessment and then answer honestly. He was trying, he really was. His first impulse was still to say that he was okay. He felt that by being alive he was doing okay, but he knew that was perhaps too low of a standard now.
“Tired,” Shiro admitted. Despite sleeping for nearly an entire day, he was exhausted. “And probably a little numb to everything right now.”
He’d been so overwhelmed when he’d woken up with the new memories and then gone almost immediately into trying to figure out how to tell the others, because he knew they were concerned. He wasn’t really quite sure how he felt at this moment.
…
Keith nodded slowly, his face softening at the honest answer. Understandable really. Just the first bit, the fact that Shiro hadn’t made it out of that battle with Zarkon would be enough to struggle to deal with. It’s not like many people actually got memories of something like that and just hearing about it felt like plunging into an ice cold quarry. He wasn’t sure how well anything else had sunk in after that really.
“I think you might win the most intense dream memory download whatever,” he said with a shake of his head. “Not that anyone wants that. I’m sorry this happened.” Which really could cover everything. The memory dump. The actual events that happened. Really everything. “Did you want to… you asked about more talking, but if you’re too tired…” He shrugged before a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “I’m not going anywhere. There’s time if you need it.”
…
“No,” Shiro answered, shaking his head when Keith asked him if he was too tired. He was tired -- but he understood how important that was. He still faltered, though, because despite thinking about this for hours, he didn’t know what the right words to say to Keith. He wished that he didn’t have to deal with the words at all, but just let Keith knew how he felt.
“I know this isn’t going to make much sense to you right now,” Shiro said. He suspected that Keith maybe wasn’t ready to hear it right now either -- he had felt the difference in Keith from the first time he had piloted the Black Lion to the last. There had only been doubt the first time, and Keith hadn’t even thought about his capabilities the last time. So, maybe it was more for Shiro to say than for Keith to hear, but Shiro was going to say it all the same.
“And I’m probably not going to say it very well,” Shiro continued. “Kuron threw so much at you when you fought him, in just about every way he could. He used everything I knew against you, and you still kicked his ass.” The last part was said a bit more lightly and with a hint of a smile.
“I’m so proud of you,” Shiro said quietly, gently touching where Kuron would one day scar Keith’s face -- something that Shiro knew would haunt him for the rest of his days. A curt reminder of everything Keith would give up for him.
“You’re going to do so much more than I ever dreamed of for you,” Shiro said. “And I love you.” He had no doubt that this level of emotion was probably going to embarrass Keith, but he knew that was just another way in which he was probably saying this for himself.
...
Shiro was right. Keith didn’t understand it. Not after everything that Shiro had told him about what happened. Yes, there was a happy ending to it all. They got Shiro back. They defeated Lotor. Plus there was the added relief that he was back with the team. He made it back. The source of the new more powerful quintessence had been found. Mission accomplished. But even with that ending, his mind couldn’t process those words. Couldn’t understand why Shiro would say them when all he could see were the missteps along the way and how he’d let the older man down. That he didn’t deserve the praise anymore now than he did when Kuron had expressed the same pride, let alone the new levels Shiro just heaped onto it.
He shook his head. “I- How can you even say that…” His voice was soft, quiet and he asked even though he knew how. They were at different points. That to Shiro he’d managed to somehow defeat the person they’d thought was Shiro and save the day, but his last memory of ‘Shiro’ had been throwing an important Blade mission off for the sake of keeping the other man safe. How different would things have turned out if he’d left with the rest of the Blades and the clone and Lotor had perished with the rest of those high ranking Galra?
“Shiro… it shouldn’t have even come to that… I… I should’ve known…” He knew even thinking that was ridiculous. The whole point had been that they wouldn’t know. That the man they picked up was Shiro, just not theirs. But they were close. He should’ve seen some sign, right? Or looked into it more. Instead, he left. For the good of the team. To protect himself. The list of reasons was long, but it didn’t change that he’d gone instead of being there to possible see the missteps that Lance had noticed. Another shake of his head. “All that time searching and you were right there in the Castle with us…”
…
Shiro was saddened by the fact that Keith was still doubting himself, even though he wasn’t entirely surprised by it. He had gone through a lot to end up in the cockpit of the Black Lion a second time.
“No,” Shiro said, shaking his head. “You couldn’t have. None of you could have.” The Kuron that had been delivered to them had essentially been Shiro. Haggar had counted on them being relieved that he was back, and also that Shiro would try to hide any way that he was hurting, and that the team would also trust his judgement when it came to himself. It really was a finely tuned plan that played their team to near perfection.
“And why do you think that Haggar had Kuron get you out of the way so quickly?” Shiro asked. Because Keith would have figured it out sooner or later, and would have been one of the only ones unafraid to get into Shiro’s space. Or, Shiro would have eventually been able to make contact with Keith through Black.
“But you did find me,” Shiro pointed out finally. “I wouldn’t be alive at all without you, Keith.”
…
“He didn’t…” Keith started before his brow furrowed in thought. He couldn’t really be sure though, could he? It didn’t feel like Kuron had been pushing him away. Not intentionally. But everything had been so busy building the coalition. If anything, aside from that final blessing to go after Black had finally caved, it felt like maybe Kuron was trying to keep him in Black, even as Kuron felt like he was leading the team more than he had been. Maybe… “I don’t know…”
Sighing, he shook his head. “I just wish it happened sooner,” he said softly. He took a deep breath before a soft smile tilted his lips. “After everything you’ve done for me, it’s the least I can do. Even if you don’t make it an easy task.”
…
“He did,” Shiro said. “I doubt he even knew what he was doing, but none of Haggar’s plans meant anything unless he was back in a lion.” Especially if Haggar had known he was in the Black Lion, which was certainly questionable. But having anyone else inside the Black Lion meant that Shiro had a chance of communicating sooner.
“I'm glad it happened at all,” Shiro said seriously. In the grand scheme of things, he hadn't been stuck inside the lion long, considering that nobody could have ever found him.
“I promise to try and make your job easier from here on out,” Shiro promised with a grin.
…
Keith’s head ducked, that guilt from before bubbling back up. He knew that Shiro was right, that they had no way of knowing, no way to counter. Except that the Black Lion knew, didn’t it? Or Shiro’s presence within, not that they would’ve known that at the time either. But Black had shut out Kuron. Refused him as a pilot. Until he’d forced the lion to change its mind…
But, even though it was in his future, it was in the past, right? It’d happened. They got out of it ok. They were moving on already in their timeline. His eyes lulled closed a moment before he nodded his head slowly. He held his metal hand up, the familiar request for that initial contact that led to their hugs. Not for the first time, he was glad to have the prosthetic, considering that the gesture would’ve been very awkward if they had to deal with both of their missing limbs.
“Me too,” he replied. “And I’ll hold you to that. No matter how many times it takes for you to figure it out.”
…
Shiro smiled and reciprocated, mimicking Keith before pulling him into a hug.
“I’ve really figured it out this time,” Shiro said. “Please go ahead and put me in a bubble.” Really, though. The Galra had gotten enough out of him.
He paused for a moment, and then a little quieter said, “I also just want you to know that I know about your mom.”
…
Keith chuckled softly at that, considering that Pidge probably already had keeping Shiro in a bubble completely covered. That very comment was on the tip of his tongue to spit out, except that Shiro’s next words knocked that thought fully out of his head.
He started, pulling back a little to stare wide-eyed up at Shiro. “Krolia?” His voice was just as quiet as his mind tried to catch up with this new information. On one hand, it made sense. He was back with Voltron and his last memory was meeting her, so the topic must’ve come up. Right? But his knowledge was still so shakey when it came to Krolia, especially the whole part about her actually being his mother. “You…. did you meet her? Did I say something?”
…
Shiro nodded and then paused.
“Well, you introduced her to the team, so I have Kuron’s memory of meeting her,” Shiro admitted. It wasn't how he would have ever wanted to have met Keith's family so he was frustrated with that.
“You also brought a … sense of her into the Black Lion,” Shiro said. He didn't know if that was the right word. Shiro hadn't gleaned any particular memories from Keith of his mother, likely on account of Keith being rather preoccupied. But he'd sensed that she was part of what had changed in him. She'd been enmeshed in the Keith of the last two years.
“And she was there when you brought me back.”
…
His eyes stayed wide, a mix of emotion flitting across his face. Confusion. Hope. Relief. Keith would introduce her to the team. Whatever happened, both of them made it to that point and… she stayed? Stayed to be introduced. Stayed until after the battle. Despite her promise to never leave him again, the fact that she’d kept her word was hard to believe. But future him must believe it. Must trust it if that’s how he introduced her to the team. Not as a member of the Blade, but as his mother. To have enough of a connection that Shiro could feel it…
Ducking his head, he crossed his arms across his chest, trying to sort through those feelings on top of everything else. Especially considering the uncertainty of his last memory… “So… so she’s really…? She’s actually my mom?”
The possibility of finding her had never entered his mind. Not fully. Not after he chose the cause over finding answers during the trials with the Blade. There’d been that fleeting thought of maybe there being family somewhere when everyone else had been imagining what they’d do after defeating Zarkon. Maybe some relatives, someone connected to him, but he’d never dreamt that it’d be her. Never openly searched when there were so many more important things to focus on. Not for the first time, he wondered if Kolivan had known. If the Blade’s leader had fully realized just what sort of emotional landmine that he’d tossed Keith into.
…
“She's your mom,” Shiro confirmed. He wasn't unaware of just how emotionally turbulent this was for Keith. He kept his own hand gently on Keith's arm.
He was happy for Keith in that he had found family, but he hurt for him too, because he couldn't help but see the surly kid he had found in that classroom all those years ago he had so clearly just needed someone to believe in him.
…
Keith let out a long shakey breath as he closed his eyes. There were still so many questions that fact brought up and a whole shift in his sense of self considering there really wasn’t any question about his heritage now, but at least his doubt couldn’t play with that uncertainty. If it was a trap or the truth… Well, he knew now. Even if he still wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with this information other than think himself in circles.
There were other worries too though, right? Shiro had mentioned before being in the Black Lion, getting impressions, but now that fact sunk in deeper. Shiro had been in Black this entire time… Wiping the edge of his hand against his eyes, he pulled himself together before he looked up at Shiro. “I brought a sense of her… Just how much did you feel?”
A dangerous question, but one he felt he should know. To know just where he stood with the other man aside from that pride and acceptance, considering… Even if he’d struggled with the bond, that his connection with Black felt clunky and slow, sometimes like he was moving through molasses considering just how he and Red had clicked, even with all that, his walls hadn’t always been up. Black’s cockpit was a private space. One where he could let his guard down a little thinking he was alone with just the Lion. Except he hadn’t been alone, had he?
…
Shiro paused, thinking. This was where it was hard to keep track of things, because everything hadn’t seemed entirely linear, and he’d had no sense of how time passed.
“I think, at the beginning it was harder,” Shiro said. “I didn’t… I had to focus to maintain my sense of self and to try and connect with you all.” Even when he and Keith had connected finally, Shiro hadn’t been able to remain entirely in place.
“I know you were unhappy to be in Black,” Shiro said, and he knew that didn’t cover all of it, not really. Keith had been doubtful, and Keith had been distracted by wanting to find him. And Shiro felt guilty about all of that.
“And I’m sorry for that, Keith,” Shiro said. “I just knew you were capable of it.”
…
Now that was a scary thought that made Keith even more relieved that they’d gotten Shiro back. That he’d managed to not get absorbed into whatever consciousness the Black Lion had.
He felt a little shame at Shiro’s assessment, but that hadn’t been a secret, right? Even if this felt more personal knowing that Shiro had gotten a feel of it through Black instead of just his pleas with Kuron. “It’s what the universe needed, Shiro,” he tried to reassure, even if he’d fought it the entire time. “It’s not your fault I’m just not…” He shook his head. Except he would be ready eventually, wouldn’t he? That news was more reassuring than when Pidge had let them know he’d left the team…
He took a deep breath and slowly let it out as he drew himself taller. More composed. “Everything works out though. I’m glad for that… that you’re here with us.” He reached out and gently put his hand in Shiro’s shoulder. “And anything you need, you know I’m here for you.”
…
He still needed time. Shiro could see that more clearly the more he talked, but he felt less distressed than he might have in the past at seeing Keith doubt himself. He would get there. There was nothing more or less Shiro could do in this moment than keep believing in him. And that had never been a problem for Shiro when it came to Keith.
“I know,” Shiro answered steadfastly. Another thing he didn't need to doubt.
…
“Good,” Keith said with a firm nod. Even if he himself had been stubborn about it sometimes, he could admit now that the help he got when he was recovering from the Atlantis battle was nice. Hopefully Shiro wouldn’t have to go as long without his arm between having completed plans already and more materials available, but until the prosthetic was done, well, he’d get all the help he could get with that. And other things… “Because I’ll be sure to remind you if you ever forget.”