WHO: Remus Lupin & Petunia Dursley WHEN: Back when we were on the boat... WHERE: Petunia and Remus' Suite WHAT: Discussing Petunia's Insomnia WARNINGS: Discussion of zombie related trauma & murders
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There were things Petunia didn’t really talk about, things she couldn’t change. She’d talked about the fact that Vernon was dead, but not that she’d heard his screams as she protected the boys from the same fate. She didn’t mention that she put them to bed and walked outside to shoot him in the head herself so that he wouldn’t come back as one of them. She was certain that it was a kindness and he’d deserved to die and stay that way. She’d mentioned running into Lily as a zombie, but she didn’t really talk about it in depth. It was just the way things were. She didn’t mention that sometimes her dreams were crowded with the visions of things she’d done, things that had happened. Sometime she woke up absolutely certain that Vernon was still screaming.
Tonight was one of those nights. There was a start as she woke, sweaty and out of breath. She took a few moments to reorient herself to her surroundings before climbing out of bed and making her way to the bathroom, splashing her face with cold water. She stood there for a while, just staring at the sink and wishing it could somehow get rid of the images in her mind, but it never did. It didn’t have the power to do that. She knew people who did, but she stubbornly refused to let them take away the memories. She didn’t want someone altering her mind and there was a reason for the experiences that she’d been through. No, that didn’t mean she liked them and sometimes she wished them away, but she could never really rid herself. Not in the end.
If she’d been at the Cottage, she’d have used the time to clean dishes by hand or the floors or the oven. Anything. But there was nothing for her to do here, so she stayed in the bathroom, staring at the sink instead of her own reflection. She hoped the light wouldn’t bother Remus as he slept. She didn’t want to make him have to be awake just because she was.
Sighing, she shut off the light, carefully trying to pull on some clothes. The easiest way to keep Remus from waking up was probably to go out and look out over the ocean. Maybe then she’d be able to forget everything else and focus on something infinitely more calm and beautiful. Maybe it would distract her mind.
----
Remus was discovering, rather aggravatingly, that he was not much of a fan of boats. This was the first time he had ever been on one; ignoring of course rowboats at Hogwarts. He'd never have been able to afford even a short period on a ship like this. He didn't have friends who could take him on weekend excursions on sail boats or fishing boats. And, as such, he didn't really feel comfortable with the way the ship moved. He'd been rather sick on the first day and been one of the many who had to go get a douse of medication to help with the issue.
But there was still the rocking. It was constant and he found that laying in bed, some evenings, that he could feel the ship just subtly rocking back and forth beneath him. He hated the feeling.
He didn't notice when he was walking or sitting up. He only noticed when he was laying down. And, so, even though he'd gone to bed with Petunia earlier that evening, the slight shift of the bed, the light, and the immediate reminder of the waves were enough to make him come fully out of his slumber. He had turned his head into the pillow, trying to remain asleep, but it didn't take.
And he happened to notice how the light shut off and Petunia didn't immediately join him. He shifted, glancing over his shoulder, watching her change. "Is everything alright?" He said, as quiet as he could, though it wasn't as though anyone were going to hear him or her. They had their own suite. And technically, he had his own room. He'd slept in it a few times, mostly on the nights when he knew he'd be up early to teach the lessons that were on going with the ship. Tonight was not one of those nights however.
——-
Petunia stilled when she heard Remus’ voice and she let out a hint of a sigh. “I didn’t want to wake you,” she replied. Only that seemed like a ridiculous thing to say now. She was aware that Remus hadn’t been feeling well. It really shouldn’t have been surprising that he was awake at the moment. She probably should explain. Kylo and Eliot had said she should. So she walked back over to the bed, halfway dressed to leave the room.
“I…” She looked down at the bed, eyes more adjusted now. “Sometimes I can’t sleep or...well, after everything that happened. Some things like to replay.” She bit down on her lower lip and looked up at him. “I was more concerned about making sure the boys couldn’t hear Vernon screaming the day he died. I didn’t want them to remember that. Only I remember and then I had to shoot him afterwards to make sure he didn’t come back. Sometimes it’s Lily. Sometimes it’s just...zombies. Sometimes everyone...everyone’s been turned and I have to kill all of them. All of you.”
She searched for his hand, not wanting to feel alone. “I didn’t want to bother you. But that’s probably silly because most people want to be bothered. And I know you...and you’ve never been one to say you were bothered by things like this. I guess sometimes I’m so used to trying to deal with everything on my own that I forget I don’t have to.”
——-
He took note of her clothing and shifted upon doing so, rolling onto his back so he could sit up properly. Once he did, he rested against the headboard and brought his knee up closer to his chest, with the blankets still covering his lower half. "I don't mind," he reassured her. If anyone was allowed to wake him by accident, it was certainly her. Of course, truth be told, he probably wouldn't have minded others waking him by accident, either.
The fact that she wasn't immediately sitting made him frown. Had something happened? His eyes moved away from her, momentarily, towards his phone. If something had happened, and it was involving Lily, he'd have known. His phone would be lit up with messages. He didn't see any light displayed in the corner, however, so clearly James or Sirius hadn't reached out to him. Perhaps something was wrong with one of the Cottage children? He looked back to her, waiting for the story.
And then he understood. It wasn't that something had gone wrong somewhere else. She didn't want him to witness something she deemed going wrong here. He frowned more. He understood the inability to sleep. He'd been plagued by nightmares of his own through most of his childhood. It didn't have to be a full moon for his mind to be tormented by the shifts. He used to lay awake, in complete fear of the full that would arrive in the future, dreading it and thinking about all the pain he would go through. He'd lay there, crying, but too afraid to call out for his Mother; he didn't want to show her how much it hurt. And when he would sleep, sometimes, he'd wake with a jolt for fear that the moon had come unannounced and he'd change without safety precautions. That he'd unknowingly hurt his family. Or there were just the nights when he'd have nightmares of never turning back into a human.
It was only after he'd went to Hogwarts and James, Sirius, and Peter began to help his shifts did he begin to have a better handle on the fear and the nightmares. But even now, as an adult, sometimes he would wake in a cold sweat because of the same primal fear of himself and his own actions.
He offered her his hand, now fully awake, with the frown fully set in. His thumb moved back and forth against her skin. "You were protecting them," he whispered. She protected them and so she couldn't necessarily protect herself. He could only imagine how deep that night had sunk into her psyche. You couldn't erase a memory like that. "I'm sorry, Petunia, for everything you've had to go through."
He shifted, pushing the blankets aside so he could move more freely, and he moved so he could be by her side. He wrapped an arm around her and pressed his lips gently to the top of her head. "It wouldn't bother me," he reassured her. "I'd rather be here to help you through it then you have to manage alone."
——-
“I’d be a terrible mother if I didn’t,” she replied. Only apparently she had been a terrible mother. Just not in her world. Perhaps she hadn’t been the best when Harry was a baby, but then things changed. Everything changed. “We’ve all been through a lot. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining. I know we’ve all lived through more than our fair share of things and we’ve had to deal with them.” She couldn’t imagine what the war must have been like, what their discovery of Lily and James being dead had included. She couldn’t imagine Azkaban. She couldn’t imagine any of it. But they’d all made it through together.
When Remus sat next to her, she curled into him. This was definitely better than being alone. Even if she still couldn’t fully escape the images, the sounds. “I’m glad you’re here.” The words were quiet, but she knew Remus would hear them all the same. “Kylo and Eliot said I should tell you. I probably should have listened to them.” It was just that she hadn’t known how to bring it up. She hadn’t known how to talk about it.
——-
He didn't say anything to that. He wasn't certain if that was all together true. To be able to think of others, when your loved one was just out of reach and in fatal pain, that wasn't something everyone possessed. And it wasn't necessarily something he thought should be held against a person if they weren't able to manage it. But that wasn't important because Petunia had managed to think of the children. Petunia was a good Mother in her world. "Everyone is entitled to one or two instances of complaining," he offered her up, with a slight nudge of his shoulder and a warm smile to go hand in hand with the sentiment. "And you rarely ever do so."
He let his hand shift to rest against her shoulder, moving it up and down in a slow, comforting pattern. "I want to be here," he reminded her, as he brought his other arm around to wrap around her as well, holding her between both. "You did. It just took you awhile?"
————
“But I hate to do it.” Probably because she’d told herself she shouldn’t. It was hard to feel like you could. Sometimes they’d all drink after the boys went to bed and talk about stupid things like what they wanted to eat most that they hadn’t had or what they missed doing. It helped sometimes to talk about mundane things in order to distract themselves from the other things going on. “Which I guess explains that.”
She felt comfortable here. It was a nice feeling, something that she couldn’t remember feeling for a while. “I guess you have a point,” she said quietly.
For a while she let the silence carry before she said, “I feel safe here. With you. Like maybe everything is going to be okay. I haven’t felt that way in a long time. I just...thought you should know.” She was sure Remus probably worried a little bit about himself. He had at home. She’d been afraid at first, but time changed that. Time had changed things in a different way here.
————
He gave a small nod of his head. He understood that. He'd hated complaining, too. He'd always felt like he didn't really have a place to complain. If anything, it was those around him who did, those who had to adjust their way of life to accommodate him. Who was he to complain about how much pain he was in after a full; when he had kept his poor Mother awake all night with his pounding and scratching from behind the door? Or why complain about being tired when the other Marauders also had gone without sleep because of him? He tried to keep his complaints to himself. "But still," he commented because it was true. Even if they didn't like to complain, and really neither of them did, they still could from time to time.
He didn't mind the silence. He shifted, resting his chin against her shoulder, with his arms kept around her as they sat in the darkness. When she began to speak, he tilted his head in her direction, listening to the words. The smallest of pleased smiles grew upon his face. "I like that I can help you feel that way," he whispered, before shifting so he could press a kiss to her cheek. "And Petunia?" He added, moving so he could leaned his forehead against the side of her head, whispering directly into her ear.
"You make me feel safe, too."
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Petunia felt warmth spread throughout her body. Remus felt safe with her, which was something she hadn’t really known she wanted until it was presented to her. She leaned back into Remus, turning so she could kiss him easier. It was a quick kiss, but she felt that it suited. For now anyway. “I think I am in very real danger of developing an inflated ego.” It was a jest, something that wasn’t really true, but it was easier than some of the other things that she wanted to say at that moment.
After a moment, she moved to get up again, but she just took her jeans off and climbed back into bed. She still felt restless, but she could deal with it if Remus was there. “Terrifying as it is to admit, I think I may like you quite a lot.” She kissed him then, a little less chaste than the last time. “Stay with me. Even the nights you have to get up early. I want to wake up next to you even if it means waking up early.”