WHO: Johanna Mason & John Murphy WHEN: [Backdated] During/After WHERE: Mason House WHAT: Raven disappears and Murphy become depressed. WARNINGS: PTSD, Depression. STATUS: Complete!
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He was alone when the Raven’s blip on the watch’s interface disappeared. It was followed by a skin crawling beep. Murphy immediately tried to call her, having reasoned with himself that the device was broken. He was quickly prompt to the dreaded automated voice of a woman saying the number was currently unavailable. That ever familiar tightness constricted around his chest, pushing out the air in his lungs. He didn’t notice the phone slipping out of his hand, clattering loudly once it hit the ground.
The anger came out first because it always did. It was always a rush to the surface like the bubbles of boiling water spilling over the pot. John Jr and Rocky were both startled by the sound of a fist hitting a wooden door, echoing loudly through the house.
Murphy found himself in the bathroom, not even remembering how and when he had come in. He took refuge in the tub, pressing his body against the cold tile wall. Johanna still hadn’t come back.
Curious as they were both John Jr and Rocky poked their little heads to watch Murphy pull himself away from everything. They made no attempt to approach him, but silently kept watch over him until Johanna had come back from where she had gone to.
Johanna went for a walk during the day,she needed to be alone. She wasn’t very happy with Annie or Murphy and their conspiracy against her to take away her morphling. She went into the business area of Tumbleweed, looking to see if there were any shops that weren’t occupied, in case Warren decided to back her and Annie in their work. ...If they’d even be doing that now. Johanna had a hateful feeling in her, thinking of cutting Annie off. Then Murphy posted about Raven and got shitty with her.
Over Raven.
Again.
She wasn’t happy his friend was gone. A slice of her felt somewhat relieved but it soon joined the rest of her body in feeling that this was very bad. Selfishly bad. Because Murphy would be heartbroken over someone besides her.
You suck, Jo she thought as she opened the front door. “Murphy?” she called out. She kicked her shoes off and went to check the downstairs bathroom. Before she even reached it, she saw the new pets congregating near the door, which was opened a crack. Johanna walked back into the living room and switched the TV onto Cartoon Network. The Pokemon were suddenly entranced by something else.
She barrelled into the bathroom, not announcing herself. Johanna saw Murphy and his sad little face and went to the opposite end of the tub, stepping in carefully to face him. “Move over.”
Murphy’s reaction time had dulled, his attention dragging over to Johanna. Yeah, he had been looking in her direction but it felt like he was looking through Johanna and not really looking at her.
Without answering her with words, he pulled his legs up. His knees bent, and pressed closely to his chest. If he could, he would have folded in on himself. Fold himself tinier and tinier until he no longer existed. The side of his head thudded faintly against the wall he had been leaning against.
He hadn’t cried just yet, much too melancholic, much too detached from any adaptive emotions. Johanna already saw him cry before and didn’t want that to become something she’s desensitized to seeing.
What a fucking crybaby, Murphy thought bitterly to himself.
“I didn’t mean it when I told you to go away,” he drawled, sounding as though he was so far away. Murphy felt like he was so far away from everything and everyone.
Johanna didn’t fold herself up. She spread herself out, putting her socked feet on either side of his hips. Her hands rested between her legs, the cuffs of her flannel shirt riding up. She wanted to take up as much space as possible. She was being territorial, wanted to make herself as big as she could.
Her touch alone was enough to ground him in place, so his mind didn’t float away from him.
“It hurt for a second, and I wasn’t going to come home, but then I realized I was being stupid.” She couldn’t lean back because the faucet head was there, so she leaned to the side. Tilting her head and looking at him. “So what are you going to do now, String Bean?” Johanna pressed her big toes into his hips, twisting her ankles slightly. “Just going to wallow for a bit?” There wasn’t venom in her voice, it was soft. She even added, “I can sit here while you do.”
He didn’t know what he was going to do. Murphy couldn’t get past the moment he seemed to be perpetually stuck in, alone and miserable. “I figure if I sit here long enough,” he muttered, words barley audible, “I just won’t care anymore.” There was a pause as if he was having a slow time processing the words coming out of her mouth. Finally, after seconds had passed, he nodded his head.
She wanted to tell him shit happens, to suck it up, that maybe Raven would come back-- she could tell him a lot of things, if she wanted to. Instead Johanna reached forward, not bending her knees, just reached. She put her hands on his kneecaps and gently moved her hands in little circles. “It’s good to care. If you don’t care, what even are you?” She tried to be more sympathetic, if Finnick was taken, or Katniss-- god, Annie. It wasn’t a crush on Raven that he had. She was kind of his only real friend. Johanna bowed her head and tried to catch his eyes, “Hey.” Murphy looked so far away. Spacecase, wasn’t that what she called him a long time ago?
Murphy wanted to cry, he wanted to pour out all the emotions that were trapped inside of him because then he would really be empty. Slowly, he drew in a slow and deep brought through his nose. His chest rose and dropped as he pushed out a soft exhale.
Blue eyes caught her brown eyes, staring at her. He looked into her eyes, let his eyes flit over the delicate features of her face. Taking note of how everything looked before she too would be gone. He didn’t want to forget what Johanna looked like, what she sounded like, the smell of her hair.
Her voice seemed to stir him, got him to move. He let himself unflur from his compact position, leaning forward to wrap his arms around her just below her breasts. Murphy held her close to him, burying his face into her mess of curls. “I don’t know what I’d do if you left me too,” he whispered, voice finally cracking under the weight of his emotions.
Johanna was pulled to him, her knees bending a little bit. “Don’t,” she said in a hitched voice. It made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, but her jealousy of Raven die down. “I’m not going anywhere, let’s just believe that. I choose to believe that.”
It did scare her, that he could disappear-- it seemed like his people were doing a lot of that. What if he was next? Would he return and forget her? Johanna imagined she’d get real angry, real tired, and real weepy real soon.
Her arms went around his shoulders, a little close to his neck. She pressed her face to his collarbone and laughed ruefully, “I’d really hate to see that, Murphy.” For her, this was an improvement, they weren’t talking about Raven. She tried to shake that and focus on him. “It’s not all fucked. I promise.”
Murphy took in the fainty fruit notes that lingered in her hair, he always could pick out the sweet smell of strawberry. That’s what he had smelled when those magical flowers appeared on the boat.
This was a lot better than smelling them, though.
“You wouldn’t even know,” he pointed out, his tone heavy with dread. “You’ll be gone, back to where you came from. You’d forget all about me, about us. You’d just go on living.” That’s when he felt his eyes get wet, tears falling into her hair. He stayed quiet, trying to collect himself because now he was coming undone.
She didn’t notice him crying yet, but noted his silence. Johanna didn’t pull away, she continued to bury her face near his neck, between shirt and flesh. Her flowers smelled like the pine trees, and Murphy’s skin after a shower. It was much better smelling it when the warmth of his body was there.
“I wouldn’t know, sure, but I wouldn’t go on living. I’d exist. I wasn’t happy where I was. I didn’t talk to Annie or Finnick, I lived alone at the edge of town. No one had touched me since before the last Games. So can you take some comfort in that?” She knew it wouldn’t be comforting, knowing she’d be miserable. But she thought if he knew she was in a world where she wasn’t better off, maybe it would help?
The more Johanna spoke, the more the tension in his chest was loosening. Her voice was so soft, but so sure. It didn’t help to know that she’d be miserable. He wanted to take that all away from her, if he could. If he had any power to do so.
“No,” Murphy spoke again after another gap of silence. Slowly, he was pulling away from her but not too far. They were still entwined and he didn’t want to let go of her just yet. “I don’t want you to be miserable. I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t want you to have trouble sleeping because of nightmares.”
She leaned her forehead against his, rested her hands on his chest. The warmth of his body started to soothe her cold hands. “I don’t want you to be sad, either, Murphy.” Her voice was a little insistent at that, still annoyed at what he said about her being happy with Raven’s departure. “I’ve told you before I want to protect you from everything. I want to be the thing that makes you feel better.”
Finally his blue eyes focused on her, truly looking at her. He had done so before, just moment ago, but it was more focused, more drawn in. Murphy was looking at her in the moment and not trying to remember what she looked like as if she were going to be taken from him at any passing second.
“I’m fucking sad a lot of the time.” He couldn’t really help it. A feeling he woke up to with no explanation. Murphy kept that to himself.
In the silence, the sounds of cartoon violence echoed through the big, empty house. The sounds of their pets enjoying the violence were also heard, although muffled. “What can I do for you?”
Slowly and deeply, Murphy pulled air into his lungs which had somewhat given him for life into his eyes. The soft pink undertones were slowing coming back into his face. “Tell me you won’t leave me?”
Johanna watched him with the same intensity he was giving her. Like a staring contest, but not exactly. It wasn’t like two animals fighting for dominance, seeing who’d blink first. Just returning the gaze. “I’m sad too, Murphy. But not when I’m with you.”
She smiled softly, just one side of her lips jerking up. Her hand rose to his face and she rubbed the pink in his cheeks with her thumb. She wanted to wrap him in a blanket. She wanted to hold him so close they melted into one person. It felt like he was asking the stupidest question with how she felt at the moment. “I won’t leave you. I love you unconditionally.”
The faint hints of a smile touched his lips. Murphy believed her everytime she told him. It felt good and it kept feeling the good the more they reassured their love for the other. “I love you, Johanna Mason.”
His arms untangled themselves from her, hands gently taking her by her wrists. Murphy was slowly getting up on his feet and tugging Johanna to do the same. “Thank God I won you over with PornHub.” He chuckled weakly, pressing his lips onto her forehead.
She closed her eyes and tilted her head back, smiling stupidly, “John Murphy.” When he rose up, she latched her own fingers around his wrists and pulled herself up. “That’s not what it was, goddammit. I won you over by saying I’d bring you something. Then you started to flirt with me. You were like damn, this girl is good. Had to grab me.”
(Maybe it was the fact that he said he was going to watch porn, he was candid and she liked it).
“Actually,” he paused, tugging her closer to him. “I think it was when you’d said you were going to come to quarantine to do a naked summersault.” Murphy smirked.
“Cartwheel,” she corrected. Give her some credit.
“Aren’t they the same thing?”
Johanna released him from her grip but didn’t pull away from him. She stepped gingerly out of the gigantic tub. It was like a tiny boat and she had somehow navigated him to shore. “Do you want to watch cartoons or go upstairs and lay down? I can read to you?”
He followed after, taking a step out of the bathtub. Murphy kept close to her, wanting to touch a part of her in anyway. “We can lay down and you can read to me. You got a nice voice for it.” Murphy loved her voice. It was soft a sweet, but it could also prickle the little hairs behind the back of your neck if you pissed her off enough. From behind Johanna, Murphy nudged her to continue forward. “Lead the way, Captain.”
She clasped his hand in hers, little kid style, when you’re crossing the street with your mom, or on a field trip to the sawmill. (Maybe that was just her). “Captain?” she repeated, leading him through the door and into the hall. The pets were entranced by cartoons but still babbled, repeating their names over and over again. Johanna figured they were safe and lead him upstairs.
“You’re more like a lighthouse.” He corrected himself. The bright colors that flashed on the television made shadows in the hallway that they were pausing. Murphy paused momentarily to watch the two pokemon stare wide-eyed at the television screen.
Once they were in front of the bed, she gave him a little shove so he’d sit down. She walked over to the shelf to find a book.
He let himself collapse onto the bed, arms and legs spread out like a very large starfish. It was only for a moment before Murphy was tucking his limbs closer to his body.
The lighthouse comment made her duck her head. Sometime she was sickeningly romantic and she couldn’t handle it. She didn’t know what to do with it, she only heard that stuff from other people, and not to her.
Johanna grabbed one of the Harry Potter books stacked on top of the shelf-- after being neighbors with Ron, she decided they should peek into his life. “I got this from the library so we gotta read it quick.” She held it up so he could see.
He was watching her, blue eyes chasing after her. She went to the bookshelf and Murphy eyed the book she held out for him to see. “Read to me.” Slowly, using his elbows, pushed himself into a sitting position. A hand patted an empty spot next to him. “I like the sound of your voice.”
And, with that, Murphy dropped back down onto the bed. The night ended with Johanna’s soothing voice as she read along the small text.